toy taking delema

[mamatoady]

what is the best way to handle toy taking between 4.5 yr. old and 1 yr old? if it is a community toy vs. older dc toy vs. 1 yr old's toy? does ownership matter? right now all the 'taking' is from older child; always results in 1 yr old crying. i want to be fair to both, but teach also....i.e. sometimes even i don't want to share my stuff, but i know the value in sharing.

also how do i handle my friend's almost 2 yr old taking toys from 1 yr. old? his mom's response varies from having him give my son a "trade" to making him give it back (becomes a trade if 2 yr old protests)....

I'm tired of my 11 month old always having to give up his toys!

sarah

[sunshine's mama]

What has *somewhat* recently worked for us was having to ask for the toys...Our situation is btwn dd's step sister who is 7 coming and just helping herself to dd's things without asking..just taking whenever and whatever she feels like but the moment dd so much as touches something of her ss's it's all out war and tantrum....

So...

We sat down the 7yo and said something along the lines of "if you think you can come and just take whatever toy you want of your sisters whenever you want, we are going to allow her to go and do the same with your things....".

She wasn't too happy to hear that but we told her that in a nutshell, that's what she was doing to her sister and it wasn't right. You can't just come and take whatever you want..esp KNOWING it will make your sister upset...

It's been a hard lesson.

She was here this past weekend and 2 days and started up again so dad let the little one (2.5yo) into her room to take a toy of her choosing. The 7yo got really upset...as she sat in the middle of dd's felt toys that she had just helped herself to without asking.....We asked her how she felt about that and she said she didn't like it and we went on to talk about how you need to stop and think about how you would feel if she did that to you....

The 2.5yo occasionally will grab a toy from her sister but it's mainly when her sister has taken it from her....

We're trying to teach sharing and are just taking it day by day when she is with us. Her mom lets her take whatever toy she wants at her house there and it usually ends up in her sister there crying too but her mom tells us, that's the way it is...We try to teach her that she's the older one and needs to help show the younger one how to share bc she isn't going to learn most of it from us, she's going to learn it from her older sister and if her sister can't share.....and the circle begins..

DD will share almost anything if you ask her if you can play with it...I'd say about 90% of the time.

Her sister however, won't share anything unless we get involved.

We only have a few community toys bc of the age difference....

So, in the 7yo room, we put up some shelving and told her to put all the toys that were special to her (of course, all were..lol) and ones that her sister wasn't old enough to play with yet (lite brite etc..) up there but anything left within her sister's reach, her sister was welcome to play with if she asked for it....BUT put in the clause of if you leave it out and don't put it up and she starts playing with it, then she will get to play with it....(trying to teach her to keep things clean...lol..it's working so far..)....

I don't know if I helped or not...kinda went in circles...sorry about that....

I guess I just didn't think a 7, almost 8 year old, would be so willing to come and just take a 2.5yo's toys knowingit would make them cry....

We are a work in progress.....

[Spanish Rose]

We honor ownership in this house. We do not force sharing, and we do not tolerate taking other children's toys.

That sounds very harsh, but it really isn't. Baisically, if a small child takes another's toy, we would say "oops, Bobbie is playing with that! let's give it back and ask him for a turn." If the turn is denied, we redirect the other child.

For older children of course, it's harder. If the older child is taking the younger's toys, I would have a chat with him and come up with other strategies to avoid the problem, like negotiating a trade, waiting until the easily distracted toddler plays with something else, etc. I would also explain how impressionable littlies are, and how important it is to set a good example.

[Tanibani]

I'm with Spanish Rose.

Community Toys - if the youngest had it first, just watch and walk over and say "she is playing with that now. You can have it when she is done with it. What else would you like to play with."

I wrote an Amazon review explaining this topic (scroll down to Tanya Fox.)
I Can Share: A Lift the Flap Book by Karen Katz

[425lisamarie]

Originally Posted by sunshine's mama

So...

We sat down the 7yo and said something along the lines of "if you think you can come and just take whatever toy you want of your sisters whenever you want, we are going to allow her to go and do the same with your things....".
.

Wow, I dont' think that is teaching any sort of good lesson at all. That is just telling her if someone does something to you it's ok to do it back. I think ever saying things like "if you do it, I'll let <whoever> do it to you" is very negative. I'm not trying to pick on you, but maybe if you think about what the message is sending by saying this, you could understand what I mean.

We don't force sharing. Having said that, DS is very good at sharing, and he's 2.5 going on 3 which usually is a terrible age for this sort of thing. He knows that his things are his, so he does not feel threatened to let his little sister play with something. When he genuinely wants to do something adn not have her mess with it, I am very sure to tell him "ok, I understand this is very importnant to you, I am going to find something to do with Sarah." Or I'll suggest we all play together, or maybe he find something else for her. I don't think kids need to feel like everything is community and no one has the right to something important to them they own.

[sunshine's mama]

It did teach her something....maybe not the best way to go about it but she has stopped and thought about it when she goes to take a toy etc....she's taken less and less since then knowing that her sister will be allowed to go and take what she wishes...

Like I said, not the best way but she's started to keep away from her sisters things.....

We don't force sharing either....but we do advocate it....with you can't expect your sister to share herthings with you, if you don't share with her....

[425lisamarie]

Originally Posted by sunshine's mama

It did teach her something....maybe not the best way to go about it but she has stopped and thought about it when she goes to take a toy etc....she's taken less and less since then knowing that her sister will be allowed to go and take what she wishes...

Like I said, not the best way but she's started to keep away from her sisters things.....

We don't force sharing either....but we do advocate it....with you can't expect your sister to share herthings with you, if you don't share with her....

Well, looks like you don't need any advice on gentle sharing methods then. You must all be doing well then

[sunshine's mama]

We have our moments...

I was just sharing what worked for us...for now..

Just to note...it was not my original idea....what I was doing wasn't working so Dh suggested this as my stepdaughter listens to him and basically when I chat with her it's a brick wall...I was way over the tantrums the 7 yo was throwing when her little sister would touch her toys or take something from her that had originally been in the little ones hands but the 7yo thought she had a right too so I agreed to let him take over with his methods....I usually don't agree with them and we have come to an understanding and he is more willing to adapt to GD....

It's been a slow process that I am sure would be easier if SD were here every day....

[Justmee]

Our kids are all close in age, so we don't really h ave toys that are okay for one but not the others. Most of our stuff (like 90%) is community propoerty, they each have a doll & strollor and a few other random things that are "theirs."

Whoever is playing with a toy is allowed to play until she is done. I don't let the girls take from each other. I also don't allow hoarding. If you are lining up the trains and playing with them, fine. But grabbing all the trains when you see someone else coming, shoving them in a corner and saying "I'm playing with them" Not fine. It's a fine line sometiems but seems to work. We don't have major issues with sharing (I'm sure I just jinxed it now

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by Spanish Rose

We honor ownership in this house. We do not force sharing, and we do not tolerate taking other children's toys.

That sounds very harsh, but it really isn't. Baisically, if a small child takes another's toy, we would say "oops, Bobbie is playing with that! let's give it back and ask him for a turn." If the turn is denied, we redirect the other child.

For older children of course, it's harder. If the older child is taking the younger's toys, I would have a chat with him and come up with other strategies to avoid the problem, like negotiating a trade, waiting until the easily distracted toddler plays with something else, etc. I would also explain how impressionable littlies are, and how important it is to set a good example.

ITA: :

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by 425lisamarie

Wow, I dont' think that is teaching any sort of good lesson at all.

Maybe I am missing a point here, but I don't see it as a problem. They are teaching the seven year old to respect her younger sister's property. They are showing the younger sister that THEY respect her enough to stand up for her. This may be a shorter way to do it. Sure they could continually say "Put your sister's things back in her room". But, what does that really accomplish? If you know a seven year old girl, you know that she will roll her eyes, make an exasperated huff, stomp back in, and throw the toy on the floor or bed. Then she will give the two year old a nasty (almost threatening) look because it is the two year old's fault. AND, her step mom is "just mean". (Such a dramatic age)

So, why go through all of that for the next year, when a simple, "If you want respect, you need to respect your sister" talk and then they show her exactly how it feels to have someone violate her space and stuff. A few weeks of THAT and this will end.

When my daughter was seven, she was a moody, self centered little thing. Fortunately it only lasted a few years. Now, she is a helpful, and kind 14 year old. (except in the mornings)

[riversmommy]

Sharing thoughts

Hi, I'm new to this thread and have a thought...I agree with the idea that sharing should not be forced in (especially) toddlers. Toddlers have very little capacity for hypothetical reasonings. They learn from example. My 3 year old son is never forced to share and this helps him understand that if you own something, it yours to enjoy and yours to let someone else enjoy. No one can *make* anyone else share and have them feel good about it...that's a fact of life. It's like trying to *make* someone love something or someone.

My son plays with his two good friends, brothers who happen to be eighteen months apart. Something that always leads to problems is when us ever-helpful all-knowing mothers try to decide for them what toys they can share and which ones are special. If one of them has his prized red truck, he gets to play with it undisturbed without constant nagging from us to "give your brother a turn". If they feel they have control, they tend to be much more generous. Just like us, ironically...

[425lisamarie]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Maybe I am missing a point here, but I don't see it as a problem. They are teaching the seven year old to respect her younger sister's property. They are showing the younger sister that THEY respect her enough to stand up for her. This may be a shorter way to do it. Sure they could continually say "Put your sister's things back in her room". But, what does that really accomplish? If you know a seven year old girl, you know that she will roll her eyes, make an exasperated huff, stomp back in, and throw the toy on the floor or bed. Then she will give the two year old a nasty (almost threatening) look because it is the two year old's fault. AND, her step mom is "just mean". (Such a dramatic age)

So, why go through all of that for the next year, when a simple, "If you want respect, you need to respect your sister" talk and then they show her exactly how it feels to have someone violate her space and stuff. A few weeks of THAT and this will end.


When my daughter was seven, she was a moody, self centered little thing. Fortunately it only lasted a few years. Now, she is a helpful, and kind 14 year old. (except in the mornings)

I think phrasing it as "if you do bad, we let other do bad to you." How can that NOT be an awful way to teach a lesson? You're not teaching them to WANT to be nice to the sibling, you're teaching them to be nice while mom is looking, or only so you don't get stuff taken for you. But if that's the lesson people want to relay, it won't affect me any

ETA: and the phrase was NOT "respect others and they will respect you"....which I still don't like so much but is not as bad. It was "if you are going to.....we are going to let little sister do the same to you. I was talking about that specific comment, and things of the like.

I'm sure we know there are better ways to phrase things, but if it works, well then I'm not arguing about it! Just stating my opinion and I what I wouldn't do, as that is my right.

[riversmommy]

Sharing thoughts

Hi, I'm new to this thread and have a thought...I agree with the idea that sharing should not be forced in (especially) toddlers. Toddlers have very little capacity for hypothetical reasonings. They learn from example. My 3 year old son is never forced to share and this helps him understand that if you own something, it yours to enjoy and yours to let someone else enjoy. No one can *make* anyone else share and have them feel good about it...that's a fact of life. It's like trying to *make* someone love something or someone.

My son plays with his two good friends, brothers who happen to be eighteen months apart. Something that always leads to problems is when us ever-helpful all-knowing mothers try to decide for them what toys they can share and which ones are special. If one of them has his prized red truck, he gets to play with it undisturbed without constant nagging from us to "give your brother a turn". If they feel they have control, they tend to be much more generous. Just like us, ironically...