beyond attachment parenting - Page 13

[Periwinkle]

Oh yeah I remember this. I think the only one I voted for was

"if my child wants a treat on an outing/errand, i don't say no "on principle". I may negotiate a less expensive treat if necessary"

and it's still the same today, though to be honest, it would more accurately be written if you replace the word "negotiate" with "offer". If we can't afford something or something is not in line with our values, there is no "negotiating" involved. Explaining, yes... negotiating, no.

[Peppermint]

Originally Posted by Peppermint

Oooo- I remember this one, my views have changed a lot since when this thread was new .

I take that back, I just re-read and everything I wrote back then was pretty "on" with where we are today, only we have another kid who is "easy" and I still don't have to worry about tooth brushing, etc. I am one lucky mama .

[Twilight]

my children eat what they want, when they want. i encourage healthy choices but let them have the final say

No. I can see how this would work for some families, but family mealtimes are important to us, and we all eat together for the three squares a day. Small snacks are OK anytime, and we keep a healthy selection of snacks she can choose. When it comes to meals, I'm not willing to be a short-order cook, but if she tries what we're having and doesn't like it, I am OK with offering a couple of easy alternatives - yogurt or reheated leftovers or a cheese sandwich, say.

my children go to bed when they are tired. i do not set a bedtime, even tho i want conscious time to myself at night

No. Again I can see how this could work for some families, but I suppose my type of gentle discipline does believe in setting limits for children who are too young and lack the maturity to do it themselves. Sleep is important for good health, both physical and mental. It's important to the functioning of our family. I've seen our daughter deprive herself of sleep in the past, so I have come to believe in setting up a loving bedtime routine and an environment that encourages a long stretch of uninterrupted sleep. We are all more cheerful and healthy this way.

i don't punish/gently discipline my child. i view anti-social behavior as a symptom of an unmet need/frustration and attempt to meet the need and brainstorm w/my child other ways of getting her need met in the future

Yes. I do believe children act out because of many reasons - unmet needs, lack of judgment or knowledge or maturity, etc. I believe in using those moments as teachable ones, and finding out the root cause of the problem.

i don't make my child say please, thank you or i'm sorry, but i talk alot about how helpful these words are in our social intercourse

I should be better at this. I believe in it but am not great about walking the walk... sigh

if i cannot convince my children to brush their teeth through playful means, i try again at night, the next morning. i never force it

No, as mentioned above I don't think children always have the judgment to do what's right for their long-term health. Toothbrushing is so important. We had to force it maybe 3 times TOTAL since she was an infant... ever since then DD enjoys it. We are playful with it, but insistent. It has to be done every night.

[/quote]i do not forcibly bathe my children, brush their hair or make them change their clothes, no matter how much i may cringe at their appearance. [/quote]

Generally yes. We don't force it, but we've gotten quite good at convincing DD that it's in her best interest to look and smell clean! If it's a bad night or morning though, we let it go. This is just appearance, no biggie. I save the battles for health related issues.

if they do not want to go to the park/disneyland/grandma's house, and i can't convince them it's in their best interest we do not go. i don't buy tix to such outings without getting their okay

When possible. The grandmas live far away, so we kind of need to plan those things months in advance, and if DD doesn't feel like going to the airport that day we can't exactly negotiate it. But yes, if I wanted to go to the park and DD doesn't want to go, as long as I'm not committed to going, no biggie - we don't go.

ditto for running errands. i get a babysitter or dh to watch them if i don't think we can get through the errand without running into a conflict

Again, when possible. DD is really good on errands generally, so I can't speak to this one as much.

if my child wants a treat on an outing/errand, i don't say no "on principle". I may negotiate a less expensive treat if necessary

This is interesting... I don't say no on the principle that "kids have to get used to not always getting what they want." I do consider everything she asks seriously and I talk to her about it. But I say no sometimes for many reasons. Maybe I don't believe it's in our best interest for her to get a sugary, trans-fat-laden treat at this time in the evening. Maybe it's a cheap, poorly made toy that was manufactured by underage workers in a third-world sweatshop and we really don't need it. Maybe she's already had two treats today and dinner is going to be served shortly and I think she should eat something healthier. I don't have a problem with getting her a little something to enjoy while we're out on an errand - but not three little somethings to enjoy.

Do we say no for reasons other than principles?

i don't force my child to go to routine dr or dentist visits. if roleplaying doesn't alleviate fears, we put off the appt.

We go to the visit, but if there's something about it she doesn't like, I don't force it. She didn't have to sit in the big chair at the dentist, for example. I talked to the dentist about examining her teeth while she was on my lap and I read a book to her.


All of the things you mentioned are child-centered, but do you think they're essential for attachment parenting? Can't we be attached while believing that setting some loving structure in a child's life is an important role for a parent?

[sueami]

A blast from the past! Thank you, wuwei, for reviving this old thread. I'm very interested in your consensual living link. I'll have to explore when I get a chance.

I wrote this poll 3 years ago, as I was realizing that I was wanting to parent along the lines of Taking Children Seriously. I hadn't identified the philosophy entirely, nor did I realize that MDC wasn't going to support much discussion of TCS (apparently the discussions got too heated.) In fact, I left MDC because there was no place for me to discuss my take on parenting, although I thought it should have been a natural fit here.

Twilight, no I do not think that the general parenting concepts I was trying to get a handle on are essential for attachment parenting, though I think they promote attachment between parent and child by minimizing unnecessary conflict.

With the thread title, "beyond attachment parenting," I was trying to say that attachment parenting practices had taken me through the first couple of years of my children's lives but did not give me a framework that felt right to me for dealing with their burgeoning selves, as they began to assert themselves and explore their world.

TCS is where I went after that first year or two with my child and I'm still there. I'll be very interested to read more about consensual living. Perhaps it is easier to discuss and digest that TCS seems to be for many!

Warmly,
Sue