Really anxious

[mama2rey]

So this is month one that we TTC. I've been on my prenatals, I'm off medication, and KD went to the doctors yesterday for his checkup/bloodwork. Everything will be back in a week, right on time to start inseminating.

I am a nervous wreck. I'm worried about everything. Are my cycles normal? I think they are-someone tried to tell me that my temperatures spike too much, but it's because I had a hard time taking them at the exact time everyday. I'm working on taking them at the exact time. But how do I know that I don't have some strange fertility problem lurking somewhere? Does anyone mind looking at my chart and telling me if I should be concerned? Is your period supposed to last only 3 days? Mine just ended, and it was really light. I'm setting my alarm now and making sure that I take my temperature every day at 5:45-before it would be anywhere from 1am to 8am.

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/17e140

I know I need to relax...... But WTH am I doing having a baby anyway? I want this so much, but I feel like I am doing something so irresponsible..... Our finances are tight-can I really actually do this?

Someone please help me calm down!!!! I have an accupuncture appointment in about 2 hours- I CAN'T WAIT!

[girlie1125]

First of all, breathe .

I was feeling kind of the same way the first time we considered ttc. How do I know if everything's ok? We're using AD sperm, so I didn't want to waste a bunch of money on 'attempts' until I knew that everything was ok on my end.

Temping is good, but perhaps you can buy some OPKs? Especially when you first start temping, its hard to figure out what those temps mean for you, unless you've had enough time to see a pattern.

The first cycle we had (without actually trying) I was keeping a calendar and doing OPKs. I had also discussed it with my ob-gyn at the time, and she had me scheduled to come in for bloodwork on CD19 to see if I'd ovulated yet. Well, I never did get a positive OPK, and the b/w on CD 19 showed no ovulation. At least I knew we had to try some things before using up our expensive stuff.

Are you working with an ob-gyn/RE? Not that you necessarily have any fertility issues, but they can at least help you figure out if things are progressing as they should.

As for the irresponsiblity thing. I think its harder to be ttc and queer. With most people an announcement of "We're pregnant!" is typically met with congrats no matter what the situation of the couple, because most people don't know if they were 'trying' or it was a 'surprise', but they figure "well, they're pregnant now, have to be happy for them."

With us, since there are no 'surprises' when we announce our pregnancies, everyone automatically knows we at least jumped through a few hoops to very intentionally get pregnant. This, unfortunately, makes people feel like they have a right to question our decisions.

Almost as if, in order to get intentionally pregnant, everything in your life must be 100% perfect, otherwise you're irresponsible and insane. Every debt must be paid off (including mortgage), every 401K completely funded, thousands upon thousands in savings, and an income situation good enough that at least one person can SAH and not compromise a single thing.

Of course, I think the percentage of parents/pregnant couples (queer or otherwise) that falls into that category is approximately 0.00000453%.

I'm not saying its a wonderful idea to ttc when you just had your lights shut off, or don't have enough money to adequately feed or shelter your existing family. But the notion that, in order to get pregnant on purpose, everything must be in line exactly is bullcrap.

Can you tell I'm fighting this battle, myself? I just know that, when (being positive here ) we get pg, and after 12 weeks when I tell certain folks, the realization that we had to take very deliberate steps to get there will immediately lead to questions that NO ONE would EVER ask any straight couple that announced a pregnancy.

I think my plan will be to turn the questions around on them. Did they have all their financial ducks in a row before becoming parents? Most likely not. And would they have wanted someone questioning whether *their* decision to become parents was the right thing to do? Its none of their business! As long as I have a safe, warm, loving home for this child, its not your place to judge whether or not having it now is right.

I try to think of it from the child's perspective. Would you rather be born to parents who wanted to love you, to be great parents to you sooo badly that they went through enormous hurdles to have you, or would you rather be born to parents who were well-off, but not necessarily hoping for a child at this point in their lives?

Wow. Sorry for my rant there, this issue just hits a *bit* of a nerve for me.

s hang in there.

[megincl]

Expectantmami,

I totally know how you're feeling. With our first, in spite of TONS of preparation, I didn't know what it meant to be "ready" once it was time to insem. And we got pregnant on the first try...I sort of thought I might have more time to get used to the idea of being in the actual process of actively TTC.

So, I think you're feelings are totally normal. When getting pregnant takes so much thought, it's easy to just extend that to all areas of your life and to think that you need to have everything as squared away as you do the TTC area of life -- just as girlie1125 was saying.

In terms of your chart: I took a look and I will say that your cycles do look irregular. DW has totally irregular cycles and doesn't regularly O on her own. She had charts similar to yours before we TTC #1. We suspected something might be slightly off so went to see the OB connected to our midwifery practice. He prescribed Clomid just to help jumpstart her body to ensure that she O'd. 50mg didn't work, but she O's VERY consistently on 100mg. I don't say any of this to scare you, and I don't know what you've done in terms of seeing a doc or midwife yourself, but given your chart I think it might be worthwhile to have more of an expert take a look, just so that you can be sure that you're doing everything possible to increase your chances of getting pregnant!

If you want more info on what we've done, feel free to post more questions, pm, etc...until then, see you over on The One Thread!

be well,
megin

[Diane B]

It's a huge step; of course you are nervous. You are stepping into something that YOU CANNOT CONTROL. Oh, sure, we have the illusion of control with all of our charting and testing and preparation, but when it comes right down to it...nope. It's not ultimately in our control. I decided that this was very good practice for parenting...and I was right!

When we started on our journey to becoming mothers, I could not forsee how we would eventually get there. But here we are, with our wonderful three year old daughter. Someday, you will be a mother. Yes, you will. Try to let that vision carry you through the bumps and twists and turns along the way. Take courage in all of the women who have walked on this road ahead of you.

[gamitzer]

What they said!! :
While my wife was calm as a cucumber, I was definitely more like you, questioning what the heck we were doing, wondering if we were charting/testing right, and feeling like we would never be lucky enough to get pregnant. I poured over information in books and on the web, and never stopped thinking about when it would happen. I am not a patient person, so I'm not going to tell you it's easy. But definitely have faith and tell yourself it is a matter of WHEN, not IF.

You may get sad and upset each month if you get your period, but try not to question your worthiness of having a baby. It's hard to have faith in the process and in yourself, but you can do it! And believe me, we all have reasons why "right now" is not the best time to get pregnant, but sometimes you just have to weigh the pros and cons and follow your gut!
Good luck, Meredith

[mama2rey]

Thanks for the responses.... I know it's never the perfect time to have a baby-my friend also made a really good point-is there really a wrong reason to have a baby? As humans we get to reproduce.

I am really excited and scared at the same time. DP is soooo calm..... The other day I pointed out that we may end up spending about a grand a month if we have to put our child in daycare, she just responded with, we'll figure it out... It drives me nuts. But we will, we always do, and we are fine. For me this is also so opposite of what I was programmed. I grew up hearing "don't get pregnant"-so I almost feel as it I am 16 and not 34. It's not like we can't give a child what it will need-a stable, loving home-I'm just freaked out-but calmer now.

DP were talking about her het cousins, who both are about to go on kid number 4 and are under 30. Both of them don't have stable jobs, and can't really support their kids-it is a double standard-they are "expanding the family"-we are "being irresponsible." It's stupid-I know we have done more thinking, and more planning for this one kid that doesn't even exist, than they did for all 8 kids in those families combined!!!!

Now let's hope that my periods are OK-I am going to accupuncture, and if I don't conceive this cycle I am going to the doctor-I think I will have charted enough to see a pattern-and maybe there is something going on. I honestly think it's stress though-and my worrying isn't helping!!!