Me

[lotusdebi]

Just me processing.
I can't write out the birth story yet. It still hurts too much.

---------------------------------------

Stab my abdomen
Stab my uterus
My body that failed me
Bleed until you're done

You took my baby from me
You took him from my arms
I didn't catch his scent
I didn't catch his smell

My heart won't memorize him
My body won't react to his cries
I feel nothing

If I were any other animal,
I'd leave him to die in the wild

I take care of him
But I don't care for him
in the ways that I should

I cry for all that we lost
I cry for the baby who deserves more
Than he will ever get
From his useless mother

I would rather die
than never love my child
the way that I should

I would rather die
than feel this way
for another moment

Baby Boy,
I want to be overwhelmed with love for you.
overcome with awe for alll that you do,
all that you are

but my heart doesn't recognize you as mine,
though my body still feels the pains of your birth,
and my mind knows you came from me

I want to look into your eyes
and see the universe unfold
as I did with your brother

but all i see
is a refection of me
feeling empty and numb

---------------------------------------

I've lost the faith

I've lost faith in my body
I've lost faith in birth
I've lost faith in my intuition
I've lost faith in my ability to mother
I've lost faith in myself

I'm giving up
I'm giving in
I can't do it

I've lost the faith

-------------------------------------------------

I must be truly ugly
For no one to take pictures of me with you

Are you my baby?
They say you are
But you don't feel like mine

You feel like my sister's child
She sat with you on the way to the hospital
She held you in her arms as you went through the ER
They all thought you were hers

Pictures of you with her
Lots of pictures of you with her
But not of you with me

I carried you
At least I think I did
For nine months

Was that you?

You don't feel like mine.

[daniedb]

Wow, what a powerful post. I'm so very, very sorry. Do you have a support system IRL, a care provider or other professional or good friends?

[annettemarie]

Oh, Debi. You're in my thoughts.

[ankh]

.

[mommyjamieof2]

I am here to talk to.. You can im me or e-mail me.
[e-mail]

[fek&fuzz]

[timneh_mom]

Ohhh.... :

[Silvercrest79]

lotusdebi...I can relate to almost every single word you wrote. I still feel that way and it has been over a year.

[Miajean]

:

Hmmm.
Just in case you need more then one hug.

Odd, how we post so much into a space where woman from all over the world read it and understand, but it can be so gutwrenching and emotional damageing to tell those around us who say nice things like "you'll be fine, you'll get over it, it's not that bad" When they mean "your pain disturbs me and makes me nervous and uncomfy, please stop now"

I have to say I never felt horrible. I felt proud of my c-section.
I had a very powerful experience and it made me an advocate of european style medicene and most especially thier ideologies on birth. I wanted homebirth, birthcenter, midwife. I ended up with a german hospital three miles from home, a huge cosy room cleaner then home, full of incredible beds, great quilts and sheets, multiple birth balls, ropes, swing bars to lean or squat with, a huge pink birthing tub, no bans on food or drink the entire labor. When I had to decide on a c-section NOW or one in a short time in an emergency situation I was able to feel empowered in my chioce, not ripped of my chances.

I kissed my baby in two minutes of her birth, and hubby held her for the thirty minutes I was unable to.

I'll never forget how sad I felt knowing my dreams were not to be. I'll never forget the doctor saying "how are you" the next morning and I said sad and that I wanted to be stronger and he laughed like a friend and hugged me, no reservations and said "your job is to do everything god made you for, my job is to do what you need assistance in" I was so surprised, he was an assistant? I said you did a serious thing, bringing my baby safely here! he said " I did not, I did a scary intrusive thing and you allowed me to help you, my job was easy for me, but your job was very very very hard for you."

So this long story about me is meant for other mothers..

Your doctor was your assistant regardless of how that doctor acted. Your doctor assisted you in your very very very hard job and simply took more credit then deserved. You, you are the epitome of a giving woman who relinquished that dream and that power for the safety of your sacred child. You are not less because it hurts, you are simply very busy healing a rather uncomfy,painful, loud wound in your body and soul. Remember this always. You do want what is best for your baby, you are capable of giving it and more importantly...you are a powerful force. As for pictures, I have less then ten for this entire first year and hundreds of hubby, I just decided healing was better then stupid comments later about how others think I should have been.

[lotusdebi]

I should clarify that I didn't have a c-section. The part I wrote:
"Stab my abdomen
Stab my uterus
My body that failed me
Bleed until you're done"
I wrote because that's what I felt like doing to my body after it failed to properly deliver yet another child.
Both of my boys had shoulder dystocias. I had hoped, and was even led to believe by many natural birth advocates on MDC, that it was simply a matter of me being in a bad position during the labor of my first son. But, I did everything right this time. EVERYTHING. And I still ended up with another stuck baby. REALLY stuck. I had a homebirth, but it wasn't what I had hoped for, what I had envisioned, what I had prepared for. It wasn't what I had fought for, with every exercise from spinningbabies.com and visit to the chiro.
The pain was excruciating. Much, much worse than with DS1. But, that doesn't matter to me. What matters is that, once again, I had a traumatic birth experience. Once again, I had to leave the water where I so badly wanted my baby to be born. Once again, I had to contort into all sorts of funky positions, and push harder than hell, for nothing to happen. Once again, I couldn't see my baby as he was born/ pulled out. I couldn't even see him for a number of minutes until I was permitted to move from the hands-and-knees position to a sitting position on the floor so I could finally see my baby. Once again, my baby had to get oxygen - this time for close to an hour. His face was blue, even after they said his breathing was fine. I didn't realize that his face was that blue from bruising. He went to the hospital with my husband, my sister, and my midwife because he had an awful pain cry. I couldn't get him to nurse before he left. I couldn't get his smell. I couldn't bond with him at all. I didn't even get to memorize his face before he was taken. And he was gone for hours, as I was left behind to get cleaned up and taken care of.
He got a bottle of pedialyte before he got my milk. He bonded with my husband and probably my sister before he ever got to bond with me.
He was fine - just needed a chiro adjustment - thankfully. But, it took a while for him to get to know me. Now I'm the one he prefers. But, I still don't feel his cries with my soul the way I should. I still don't feel a connection to him. I still feel like I'm nursing someone else's child.
I have powerful negative emotions reading phrases like "wonderful homebirth" and "waterbirth of my dreams." I can't read birth stories, and I'm not ready to really deal with my own yet. I'm still ending up in tears just thinking about it.
No, it's not the traumatic birth that so many people have. But, it's traumatic to me. Another terrifying shoulder dystocia. My body won't let babies out properly. Everything I read about how women don't grow babies that they can't birth was a LIE. I grow babies I can't birth. I'm now re-thinking my plans to become a childbirth educator. I'm no longer sure how much I can participate in the birth circle that's being created in my area. I don't want to think or hear about birth. I can't trust birth the way I thought I could - I can't trust my body. My body doesn't work. And I can't trust that my next baby will come out alive. It was too close this time. I can't take any more chances.

[Wugmama]

s s s s s s s s s

I wish you healing.

~Tracy

[mamabearsoblessed]

Oh Debi~ I wish you peace.
Many, many to you.

[Sandrine]

Debi. Thinking of you. I felt lots in common of your first post.

[Cherie2]

I am not sure I have the right to post a reply here, but I am going to anyway after I had ds (a perfectly fine birth) I felt so lost and disconnected. I had no "reason" to feel that way. I just did. I remember thinking thoughts like "my love must have been cut in half one part for each child". There is a real chemical change going on and it effects a persons thinking. I am just saying, give yourself some time you will heal, and you may just think back on this time and say to yourself "oh silly me .." well that is what I did anyway.

[kellid]

[timneh_mom]

I need help, quite a lot of it, to birth too. I did with both my births. My body does not do it on its own either. Even though I did all I could. I am not sure I will give it a third chance... not sure I can take any more of this.

[Miajean]

Umm I feel stupid assumeing it was a c-section. Sorry. But the part about your strength and your expereince being a trauma that needs to take a long time to heal still stands.

As for the "other" stories...., I always dreamed of them, I just never realised that many of woman today would never had survived past thier first child 150 years ago and that I'd be in that number. My husband would have been a very young widower, lucky if the child survived at all. The cheerful side is the more explored/spoken one but a chaplain once told me it is the smaller side of the spectrum and that was a fact of this world we wander through.

[Cherie2]

Originally Posted by lotusdebi

My body won't let babies out properly. Everything I read about how women don't grow babies that they can't birth was a LIE. I grow babies I can't birth. I'm now re-thinking my plans to become a childbirth educator. I'm no longer sure how much I can participate in the birth circle that's being created in my area. I don't want to think or hear about birth. I can't trust birth the way I thought I could - I can't trust my body. My body doesn't work. And I can't trust that my next baby will come out alive. It was too close this time. I can't take any more chances.

I just had a thought ... when I was young before I had children I wanted to be a therapist for parents. But I knew nobody would listen to me until I had children of my own. I had the idea in my head that if I did everything right I would raise these perfect children and I could advise others on how to do the wonderful job that I did. Well I did everything I thought was right and found I have many, many problems. Humbling ... But it makes me think if you are going to be a childbirth educator how would you view another woman who's baby was having problems and needed medical assistance? would you think less of her? My dd's midwife did everything in her power to help her have the most natural birth possible, but when time came she had no qualms about carting her to the hospital for an epaderal... I guess I was just thinking maybe this experience will make you an even better educator ..

[Birth Junky]

Just and and

[Phoenix_Rising]

i couldn't read and not say that i am thinking of you and wishing you peace.