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I gotta get this out - Page 2

post #21 of 42
I am sorry people aren't supportive of your feelings! I know how you feel and I even tried to convince myself of the fairly tale ideal that everyone kept telling me "but she is perfect and that is what matters", and then I found someone who understood and was empathetic to how I felt about the birth and that finally helped me heal.

I hope that you can find someone that is empathetic and understanding of your experience!

post #22 of 42
I didn't end up with a C-section, but the birth of my dd was very different from what I had planned. The pain does lessen with time.
post #23 of 42
Your post brought every sad memory of ds's birth flooding back. It's over 2 years and sometimes still, the pain is so poignant I can barely take a deep breath to keep from crying at the grocery store or somewhere else goofy like that. I feel so sad in my heart for you, Kate. Just know that everything you did, right up to and including the birth, was inspiring to me. Your bravery and the ability to know when enough was enough is just the levity I need to cultivate in myself for my next little one. So feel absolutely free to feel sad, and angry, and cry.

And go right ahead and slap the next person that says that to you. :
post #24 of 42
you are so far away-- but here is a big hug--------and a shoulder.

my first hospital births were a lot to recover from- but I didn't have a contrast.. everything in me jangled -- but I remember when one day one busy painful hecktic day- dd was sleeping in my lap and I touched her little fingers and the feeling of her fingerprints across mine those little ripples -- released something in me let me smell her- opened me to her beyond my pains and disappointments -- there are days and ways to release and heal---- it will come

love to you
post #25 of 42
post #26 of 42
just wanted to send a hug and prayers
post #27 of 42

I understand a bit what you are feeling. With my DD, I was supposed to have an unmedicated water borth at a birth center. Instead, I was scared into an induction with high levels of pit and then an epidual. Even over 4 years later, I feel like I failed and I regret it, especially since I have learned that there was no true reason for the "emergency' part of the induction, and I should have had a second u/s to determine if I really had low fluid levels.

It is really hard to have plans for something so important to you, and have them lost. It feels like you have failed and that you have missed out on something important.

I do have to say that I read what you went though and from what I have read, I really feel that you made the right decision. I think you gave the birth you wanted the best chance you could and that you needn't have any regrets. I know you probably will. It is hard not to second- third- fourth-guess your decisions.

This was the right place to post this. This is your place
post #28 of 42
i know how you feel know you are not alone not all of us have C's but us that know about having a horrible birth feel your pain and send lots of love and all i can say is it will get better the physical wounds will heal and in time the emotional ones will fade with time it will always hurt when you look back this is my story i had a perfect pg with #1 perfect birth i chose to have her in the hospital with my midwives she had a non normal heart beat 8 normal beats then 2 really fast she was fine and healthy so was i then i got pg with my son from morning sickness all the time, migraines to swelling everywhere not only my feet and the list goes on when i went in to labor i started a fever my midwife came and all was well till she talked to another midwife and she started to second guess herself she tried to convince me to go to the hospital but i refused to go so she tried to scare me in to going by saying that the baby would not be able to breath and that child protective services would get involved if i had the baby at home then went to the hospital it didn't work i still wanted to stay so they went out of the room came back and started to pack up at that point i had no choice but to go with them went to the hospital i had to go in their car alone i had my son with 3 midwifes there no family my dd still hates me for it she got cut out of it my mother feels the pain she had to stay with my dd couldn't come do to her job dp was not able to attend either place once at the hospital i got pumped full of IV drugs for the fever, started to push the forced me with knees to chest with a midwife on each side holding me there even tho i begged them to let my legs go (there was no rush there was no danger it was not needed) i ended up with multiple tears refused stitches the worse one were 2 tears on my clit and hood still 5 months later having shooting and on going pain...that midwife refused to speak to me again due to me not being happy with "having a healthy baby" she didn't care about my pain physical and emotional pain i know my story is not as bad as your's but you are not alone there is other moms that feel the way you do sending much love to you good luck
post #29 of 42
Your feelings are normal and anchored deep inside you. They are rooted in the way you view the world and your place in it- such emotions are primal and need to be heeded. Listen to yourself; GRIEVE YOUR LOSS. To hell with those that offer the "healthy baby" thing- they don't know what to say and fill the silence with babble. When you allow yourself time to go through the entire grief process, you will then find healing. The only way through this is THROUGH this- it is a journey. You will find yourself on the other side

I'd definitely talk to DH (when you can find the strength) and flat out tell him that you need his unconditional support. He doesn't need to fix you; he just needs to support you during your journey (he'll want to fix- like all men do )

Also, talk to your beautiful new baby. Tell him what you had planned, why you're so sad (and angry), how sad you are to not be the mommy you want to be to him YET (I emphasize the YET part), and tell him how you will be the mommy you want to be with his help. Snuggle him, touch him, smell him, cry over him, but find space when you need it- it is normal and healthy. He will be fine- and so will you.

Give it all time. You mentioned your belief in God- pray about this. Let God know in raw and pure words and emotions. He already knows, but actually praying like you are talking to a beloved parent- sobbing, etc- has always been healing for me.

We are all here for you. Feel free to rant and rave, sob and scream- we'll all hear you and support you.

post #30 of 42

I'm really sorry things went the way they did, Kate.
post #31 of 42
Kate!!! Nani here from our ddc! I've been wondering where you are!
I want to give you a BIG BIG

I always read your posts admiring you and the advice you give us. I'm happy to see that you are reaching out to us for a (virtual but still very real) shoulder to cry on. I wish we could all get on a plane to Turkey and rent a house next to you, so you could feel all the good love coming from everyone and we could help you in a more real way besides words on a computer. You're an awesome mama, no matter what happened in that hospital that day and you will get through this as I know how strong you are. Part of your strength is your ability to grieve. Many posts before mine have said it in very wonderful words.

I had a traumatic birth experience, a CSEC with my dd and I'm so hoping to do a HBAC now, I'm due this week with dd2. I've got the whole thing lined up, I feel so prepared and yet I'm also afraid of not having the birthing experience I so desire. I'm trying to keep my mind open to any possibilities, good and bad.

And I was _very_ angry after dd was born, mostly at myself and my PPD expressed itself as livid anger, something I could barely control and I still feel ashamed about. Please email me if you want me to tell you more, ok?

In the meantime, please allow your feeling to find a path to the outside, express them, however you can without doing yourself harm. Explain things in detail to your dh, he needs to hear what you have to say.

Much love and hugs to you, Kate.
post #32 of 42
I'm so sorry your birth didn't go as you'd hoped it would. You have every right to grieve. Take care of yourself.
post #33 of 42
Please read this, it helped me...

"You should be grateful"
post #34 of 42
Babs, that was a wonderful link you posted, thank you.

It made me cry in a way that I don't think I have since my DD#1 was born 4.5 years ago and in a therapeutic way I have so needed for these last 4.5 years.

post #35 of 42
Thread Starter 
I want to thank you all so much for your support in this last week. I've been coming here every day to read your words of wisdom, but without enough strength to post.

Things are getting better, slowly. I talked to my DH about how I was feeling and I don't think he understood before exactly how long I've been working towards this homebirth-that-wasn't. He has been involved in the planning for this baby for 10 months, but I had been planning this birth for 10 years. Ten years in which I didn't know if I would ever have another child, but fantasizing and playing in my mind how I wanted it to go. He had to let go of ten months of planning, I had to let go of ten years. Ten years, in which I worked with midwives and the homebirth community to achieve something for other women that I wasn't able to achieve for myself--it's not fair.

I am blessed, however, with the most perfect baby. He is absolutely beautiful and the "easiest" baby to care for. He rarely cries, is alert and observant, sleeps like a dream, and is an absolute joy for his father and me. Knock on wood, we haven't had any of those middle-of-the-night scream fests or colicky days (which may be in our near future, who knows), so I feel like little Ahmet is taking care of me as much as I am taking care of him.

Many thanks to littleteapot for that awesome link that put my feelings into words. I'm going to save that link to give to those who I feel the need to smack down. And thanks to everyone who "knows" me a little bit and sent emails. I'm not up to answering individual emails just yet, but please know how very much your support means to me.

Thank you all.
post #36 of 42
I will continue to hold you and your family in the light. *smile*
post #37 of 42
We love ya Sweetie. I'm so glad that Ahmet is such a joy for you and your family! I hope that the love you share can continue to help you heal...

post #38 of 42
oh mama, I am so sorry! I can't stand those words "you have a healthy baby, that's all that matters" Those words hurt. Someone who says that really has no clue what you are going through. Surround yourself with people who do. You have a right to grieve the birth you lost. Period.

post #39 of 42
I've been lurking here on this section for months.
I had a very tramatic c section, and it hurt so badly to think about it even 18 months out. I would cry so hard that I had to curl up in a ball because it hurt so bad deep inside and it was physical as well as emotional.

I followed your wait for your babe. And then got busy with my life and couldnt check up until now on how it went for you. I am so sorry that you went through this.

I deeply feel that women give birth, but mine was taken from me. It wasnt until I read this site and saw that UC was a possibility, not just some foolish dream (that EVERYONE around me thought was insane and unsafe) that I felt that I could even entertain the possibility of having another child.

I am now pregnant with #2, due at the end of october, and you continue to inspire me.

I hope your emotional recovery speeds up. I know mine took a lot longer than the physical side. *hugs*
post #40 of 42
I'm sorry It sounds like you are going through the stages of grief. It's understandable--You lost something that you can't ever get back.
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