Kate!!! Nani here from our ddc! I've been wondering where you are!
I want to give you a BIG BIG
I always read your posts admiring you and the advice you give us. I'm happy to see that you are reaching out to us for a (virtual but still very real) shoulder to cry on. I wish we could all get on a plane to Turkey and rent a house next to you, so you could feel all the good love coming from everyone and we could help you in a more real way besides words on a computer. You're an awesome mama, no matter what happened in that hospital that day and you will get through this as I know how strong you are. Part of your strength is your ability to grieve. Many posts before mine have said it in very wonderful words.
I had a traumatic birth experience, a CSEC with my dd and I'm so hoping to do a HBAC now, I'm due this week with dd2. I've got the whole thing lined up, I feel so prepared and yet I'm also afraid of not having the birthing experience I so desire. I'm trying to keep my mind open to any possibilities, good and bad.
And I was _very_ angry after dd was born, mostly at myself and my PPD expressed itself as livid anger, something I could barely control and I still feel ashamed about. Please email me if you want me to tell you more, ok?
In the meantime, please allow your feeling to find a path to the outside, express them, however you can without doing yourself harm. Explain things in detail to your dh, he needs to hear what you have to say.
Much love and hugs to you, Kate.