Everythings crashing down around me.

[patcheskitty]

Hi...I've never posted to these boards, but I read a lot, just not a big poster. Anyway, the past 6 weeks have been incredibly trying for my little family and I just feel like I can't hang on anymore sometimes (I know I HAVE to, so I do). My baby had trouble adjusting after he was born, wasn't breathing right...I got to hold him for maybe 5 minutes before they took him off to the nursery to be put on monitors and everything else. It was probably another hour and a half before I got to see him and hold him again. I just feel so detached and I think that was part of it. The night we came home from the hospital MH was VERY sick to his stomach, we think he ate something bad..but that made the first night hard because he couldnt help and wanted me to take care of him AND this new baby. A couple days after we got home, we find out that he's in serious danger of losing his job. Long story short, he managed to keep it, but is on a thin rope, basically if he messes up, he's done. Next thing you know, a week more goes by...MH was involved in a hit and run...why he did that is beyond me, he just up and left an accident. Now we only have one car, he parked the truck in the alley thinking nobody would see it I guess. Next thing I know there're cops at the front door asking me all kinds of questions I didnt have the answers to. 2 days later we're sitting in court over this, he managed to get a diversion, which was awesome. We had a couple of decent weeks, but apparently the truck is going to be repossessed because MH is horrid with money and spends it faster than I can pay bills. We'd been having arguements about everything under the sun, it seems like he's on a shorter than normal rope about everything. He hasnt been home, goes out with his friends as soon as he gets home from work and on his days off. He hardly spends time with me OR the baby and since we only have one car I'm pretty much stuck in the house by myself, with my lil guy...unless I call my mom and have her come get me for the day or whatever. Some days this guy cries for HOURS, he's very gassy, I'm BF'ing and MH seems to think that my milk is making the baby sick, so he blames me for it. Last Tuesday started out awesome, one of the best days we'd had in awhile, I thought we were getting thru the rough adjustment to the baby part of things, but apparently not. He said he was going to stay home and clean all day (I had to go to my Grandmas bday party, everyone wanted to see the baby) as he didnt really want to go with me to the party thing. I left, forgot to kiss him, came back and he was acting a little defensive, thinking I forgot something (it'd been like 30 seconds since I left, I hadnt even made it to the end of the street), but I just brushed it off. End of the story, he went out with a friend and got very angry when I asked where he was (at the store) and said I'd just meet him there cuz I needed to look at something anyway, then his friend didnt have to take him home if they were done. He acted fine for a few minutes at the store and then decided we had to leave right then...okay, whatever, I wanted to go home anyway. We got home and I put the baby in his crib (he only uses it for naps, we cosleep nighttime) while I cleaned up around the house. MH sat down on the couch with his video games and wouldnt help me out, the baby started to cry and I thought MH would get him..no such luck, he totally ignored him. I went in and just started bawling, I felt so bad that I'd let my baby cry, I was sad that MH wasnt helping me and was being a mean smartass, and just felt totally down. I sat on the floor, holding my baby and crying my eyes out. He slams in and starts yelling at me, asking whats wrong, why I'm crying..then he yanks the baby from my arms, I kept telling him no, I just needed a cry, I needed my baby, but he wouldnt give him back. I smacked him and he came back with a foot. Not only did I feel horrible for smacking him, but for crying out loud, he had my precious little boy! What kind of mommy does that?!? He screamed all kinds of names and just in general, and I called my Mom to see if I could go back over there to get out of the house. She seemed to think he was beating me and called the cops. Guess who goes to jail for the night? The crying, nursing, mommy who wants nothing more than to hold her baby tight. After I finally got out, MH made sure my parents had everything I would want, and I talked to him a bit that night, he emailed me this really lovey, but sad email that he missed me and needed me and cant live there without me, making me think that okay, this is what we needed maybe, a kick in the butt to make us start counseling. We talked a bit online that night and it was more of the same, I thought it would be okay. He was supposed to have gone to see the baby the next day, but he went to a friends house instead. He was sposed to come the day after that, and he went to his Moms and picked up his brother. The next day he finally comes to see the baby and acted REALLY distant and very unlike himself. That night I talked to him again and he said that he didnt love me anymore, hadnt for months, and that he thought we should seperate. He didnt want to talk about things, didnt want to try and work it out, he said he was done and didnt want to hurt the baby with fighting and arguing. I'm a wreck, this isnt the man that I talked to just days earlier, he's shut down on himself and our family, he doesnt even want to talk to me, and I dont know why. I'm just not dealing with things very well at the moment and I cant tell if its just stress or some kind of ppd. I have to wonder if he's got some kind of male version as well?? This isnt the way he normally acts, what would make him shut down when I need him the most? I just cant stop crying and need my family back, but how'm I sposed to get that? (I'm going to the dr tommorrow for my 6 week checkup, and I have counceling on the 6th for the court stuff).

[FiddleMama]

I didn't want to read without replying. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. Please do everything in your power to just focus on your little one and your own health and safety right now. It sounds like your husband may be going through something similar to some PPD of his own and it's hard to say what the outcome might be.

It sounds like your husband is not in a place where he can be very supportive or responsible right now so it falls to you, mama, to take care of yourself and your son. Try to identify some reliable people in your life who can support you emotionally and with some help with the baby when you need it.

The physical altercations are what concern me the most about your post. It sounds like tempers are really raging between you and your husband and sometimes the only thing that can help with that is some time and some space. It will be good to talk this through with the counselor so that you can get some outside support. Best of luck to you and do your best to take good care of yourself.

[Slackermom]

I didn't want to read without responding. s, mama. Take care of yourself.

[NotTheOnlyOne]

Saying a prayer for you and your baby. Hold him close all day long and smell his sweet head. I pray things start looknig up for you soon. Hang in there and make sure you get the help you need.

[Nisupulla]

It sounds to me like your H is having a really tough time right now. I think that best thing to do is give him some space. If he wants to hang out with friends and play video games so be it.

Your situation sounds pretty serious (cops involved etc). If I were you I would want someone to give me permission or even encourage me to live in separate locations until you have a plan on how to deal with all of this. I would also limit phone calls/ emails etc, and I'm not saying this lightly. You need space and to be supported and not weighed down or influenced by his needs until you figure out your own. Call in favors with your friends coffee etc, move in with mom, join a playgroup, return to church, find a support group (don't know what kind), find a counselor (and don't stick with one that just doesn't feel right, don't waste your time), do anything to surround yourself with supportive people so that you can sort through all this.

As much as possible don't put too much into the finances/job/car. They will fall into place once you've sorted through the relationship stuff.