I found out on Wednesday that my best friend of 9 years died. She was only 22. They can't figure out how she died. They thought she had taken prescription medications and taken too many or had an allergic reaction, but there were none in her stomach. There was no sign of anything on her body. They checked for a brain aneurysm or a stroke, and nothing. She basically went to sleep and never woke up. Her boyfriend said that the coroner sounded confident that they will find out what happened, but it's driving me crazy to not even know right now.
It doesn't seem true yet, and only in the last couple days I've started to spend time crying and grieving. Another of her best friends and I both want to see her(body) one last time, and her parents know that her other friend wants to, but they aren't letting anyone, and this is very frustrating to her friend and me. They are also having her cremated and keeping or scattering her ashes, but I want them to be buried. Nothing I can do about that though.
I don't have much support. The only people I want to talk to right now are my friends who knew her, and two live far away, and one is going through her own issues right now and not being very supportive. And I also feel like I can't just cry when I want to during the day because there are always people around--people I don't want to talk about it with. Whether at work, school, or at home, I don't have the option of just going into my room and crying. I would also love to paint a picture for her, but I'm a single mom to a high needs 17 month old and it's impossible for me to paint with her around, and there's no one I would want to watch her for that long.
A couple people have made comments about how I sound so calm or how I was more upset when a mere acquaintance died, and that is upsetting me too. It's scaring me that I'm maybe so desensitized to this, or maybe I just don't fully realize that she's gone yet. But I'm starting to feel like some uncaring freak for not being more upset so far.
I feel selfish saying this, but I just want to talk to her. I'm going through so much in life right now, and I need her to be there for me. My life is going to be so lonely and more difficult without her there to help me through everything.
Anyway...thanks if you read all that. I know there's no advice that will help any of this, but I just wanted to get all of these feelings off my chest.
It doesn't seem true yet, and only in the last couple days I've started to spend time crying and grieving. Another of her best friends and I both want to see her(body) one last time, and her parents know that her other friend wants to, but they aren't letting anyone, and this is very frustrating to her friend and me. They are also having her cremated and keeping or scattering her ashes, but I want them to be buried. Nothing I can do about that though.
I don't have much support. The only people I want to talk to right now are my friends who knew her, and two live far away, and one is going through her own issues right now and not being very supportive. And I also feel like I can't just cry when I want to during the day because there are always people around--people I don't want to talk about it with. Whether at work, school, or at home, I don't have the option of just going into my room and crying. I would also love to paint a picture for her, but I'm a single mom to a high needs 17 month old and it's impossible for me to paint with her around, and there's no one I would want to watch her for that long.
A couple people have made comments about how I sound so calm or how I was more upset when a mere acquaintance died, and that is upsetting me too. It's scaring me that I'm maybe so desensitized to this, or maybe I just don't fully realize that she's gone yet. But I'm starting to feel like some uncaring freak for not being more upset so far.
I feel selfish saying this, but I just want to talk to her. I'm going through so much in life right now, and I need her to be there for me. My life is going to be so lonely and more difficult without her there to help me through everything.
Anyway...thanks if you read all that. I know there's no advice that will help any of this, but I just wanted to get all of these feelings off my chest.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you get answers soon.
...and it sounds to me like you are in shock. I am also sorry that you do not have the support you need during this difficult time. 
