Babies/toddlers interacting with each other?

[North_Of_60]

It seems EVERYONE at our Gymboree class gets all freaked out when the kids touch each other. I have no other children, and have never really been around them before DD, so I don't know what is normal and what isn't, but it just seems to me that if both kids are happy and are not showing signs of being scared, then let them have it!

Now if they were hitting or otherwise hurting each other, then I step in and redirect, but when DD goes up to another child and touches his shirt, or tries to hug him, I don't step in. I seem to be the ONLY mother who just sits back and lets the kids interact. I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be letting her explore other children the way I have.

The other thing that I notice is how they are always commanding that their children "share", or "be nice" or "don't touch" or "say sorry". Drives me nuts. I must seem so lax to them because I just don't hoover over my 1 year old telling her "don't touch".

Is what I'm doing Ok, provided that DD isn't hurting or scaring the other child?

[bobica]

i'm with you! if there's a kid who is obviously goopy & runny, i'd prefer no touching (ick!) but otherwise, how are they supposed to interact? they're not about to sit down & discuss the latest oprah book club book, right? i don't get it either.

i get saying "share" just b/c it gives words to the actions you're trying to have happen. "be nice" isn't my cup of tea, we use "gentle" but probably for the same effect.

totally off topic, but the best friends pic in your sig is too cute!! my dog & my dd are icy acquaintences (think Jerry Seinfeld & Newman)

[shaykismama]

I notice moms doing this too, and I can't understand it either. I wonder if it might be a germ phobia thing? I think it's just so sweet when little ones hug and touch eachother, gently of course.

So no, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I do the same.

[North_Of_60]

Originally Posted by bobica

totally off topic, but the best friends pic in your sig is too cute!! my dog & my dd are icy acquaintences (think Jerry Seinfeld & Newman)

Thanx. My dogs are just really, really, REALLY patient. LOL You should see her with the cat. She SITS on the cat. Our big dog pulls her around in the wagon.

Originally Posted by shaykismama

I notice moms doing this too, and I can't understand it either. I wonder if it might be a germ phobia thing?

I sometimes wonder if they do it because they're not sure whether or not the other parent is Ok with it, but I often say things "oh no, he/she is fine" so they don't feel obligated to step in, but they do it anyway.

[Hoopin' Mama]

I think it really depends on the child, and what stage they are going through. I hover over my 2.5 year old now more so than before, because he has some new stunts. For instance, lately he's been kicking his feet out to get someone's attention. If there is a younger one around, I am careful.

Also, my behavior changes regarding who I am around. If it's people I know, we generally let our kids work things out (like sharing). If they are strangers, I make sure ds doesn't get grabby with them.

But overall, I'm all for kids checking each other out.

[cee3]

Like Hoopin' Mama, I hover a bit over DS1 because he does this hip-check thing to other kids. He'll be playing gently with a big smile on his face then - WHAM - he does a little bootie shake and the kid next to him is on the floor. <--- DS1

I also try to act like I'm not going to let my kid accost someone else while I sit idly by, so I sometimes make little fussing noises just so the other mom knows I've got my eyes open. I'm generally pretty hands-off by nature, though.

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by cee3

I also try to act like I'm not going to let my kid accost someone else while I sit idly by, so I sometimes make little fussing noises just so the other mom knows I've got my eyes open. I'm generally pretty hands-off by nature, though.

I am that mom... inwardly hands off and easy going... but outwardly, I make overtures of awareness and 'presence', so that other moms will feel a little more like they have back-up in case someone does get too pushy or something. Dd uses her hands instead of her words sometimes, and needs to be reminded "gentle hands, please", etc...

But the germaphobe thing is all-too-familiar, and really kinda backward. Doctors now say that some exposure to "germs" helps to bolster a child's immunity, and the folks that have the immaculately clean standards will have more illness for longer. If someone is goopy, I'm likely to encourage dd to play elsewhere, or keep hands to herslef... but if it doesn't happen... we just wash hands regularly.

[*Aimee*]

I see this too. At our mother group, my DS is the youngest and cant crawl. So he just sits there but he's SOOOO excited and reaching out to the kids. So the others will crawl up to him and pet him and moms are always saying "no! dont touch!". I thought I was weird cuz I thought it was so sweet and I loved the exploration.

About the germs. One of my friends is totally weird about them. I dont even like going over there now because if my son puts a toy in his mouth she sighs and throws it in the sink. He's a BABY thats what they DO!. The other day my son put her sons binky in his mouth and I thought she was going to have a heart attack

[climbermom]

My 2.5 year old DS is the child always trying to touch other kids. I never know what to do. When it's children his age or younger, he sometimes knocks them over in his exuberance, so I try to be vigilant enought that no one gets hurt. When it's older children they usually think it's a little weird. I just say, "Cole really likes hugs and he wants to give you a hug." If they resist, I tell Cole that some kids don't like hugs.

I don't know the right answer to this one.

[Redifer]

My niece and dd are like this. They're just friendly kids. They like holding hands, hugging, all that touchy stuff.

I've noticed when other moms come around our kids, they kinda freak a bit. And they're hyper on the "share!" command. Where we just let the kids work it out on their own (they're 2 months apart), so long as it doesn't resort to violence, they jump in and "problem solve" for them.

Honestly, it kinda drives me insane. The whole time we have mom company over with their kids, both SIL and I feel totally on edge about the uber-monitored behavior.

[PrennaMama]

Originally Posted by Redifer

My niece and dd are like this. They're just friendly kids. They like holding hands, hugging, all that touchy stuff.

I've noticed when other moms come around our kids, they kinda freak a bit. And they're hyper on the "share!" command. Where we just let the kids work it out on their own (they're 2 months apart), so long as it doesn't resort to violence, they jump in and "problem solve" for them.

Honestly, it kinda drives me insane. The whole time we have mom company over with their kids, both SIL and I feel totally on edge about the uber-monitored behavior.

This is exactly what my SIL & niece & we experience!!

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by North_Of_60

The other thing that I notice is how they are always commanding that their children "share", or "be nice" or "don't touch" or "say sorry". Drives me nuts. I must seem so lax to them because I just don't hoover over my 1 year old telling her "don't touch".

Is what I'm doing Ok, provided that DD isn't hurting or scaring the other child?

Interesting observation and question. I noticed a similar behavior when we visited MIL and FIL a few weeks ago. My SIL has a 3 year old, who was being a very typical 3 year old. (energetic, testing some boundaries, cute and inquisitive etc...)

Our 11 month old as a PP said, just kind of sits on the floor and takes it all in. She has no idea what's hers, his etc... SIL was CONSTANTLY saying "share," "be nice," "say please." It was endless. I got a close up view a major tantrum, when they took toys away. Yikes.

I'm currently engrossed in the book, Unconditional Parenting. Have you read this one North? It talks specifically about this...and why not to do it. Basically, Kohn's research shows that children end up sharing less when they're told to/punished for not complying. It's our challenge, as UP parents, to instill the desire to share, because you know it makes someone else feel good.

I think you're already doing this...letting Ava take her natural course. It's natural to explore and for God's sake touch things. I'm quickly learning, not to worry too much about what other Mom's think of us.

[katheek77]

My daughter is almost 9 mos, but we have a dog AND she's fascinated with other people/babies/animals right now. So, if we're out somewhere, she'll crawl over to another baby (or child, or adult, etc) and touch him/her. I just tell her to "pet nicely" over and over which she understands (if she's yanking on Puppy's ears and I say "pet nicely" she lets go and does a pretty good attempt at petting - so, I know she gets at least the basics of what it means). So, if she's not hurting anyone and no one looks scared, I let her go at it.

I'm trying to change it to "touch nicely" because I've gotten some odd looks when I tell her to "pet" a person.

She used to have little kids (maybe 1 1/2 yrs to 5 yrs) come up to her all the time (she's very smiley), and the moms would shriek, "Don't touch the baby!!!!" I never understood that. I'd just say, "It's ok. Really."

My mantra is, "It's a baby, not a bomb"

[cee3]

Originally Posted by katheek77

She used to have little kids (maybe 1 1/2 yrs to 5 yrs) come up to her all the time (she's very smiley), and the moms would shriek, "Don't touch the baby!!!!" I never understood that. I'd just say, "It's ok. Really."

My mantra is, "It's a baby, not a bomb"

This is a line of thinking I've seen often on MDC and I understand where you're coming from, but frankly, if a mother knows that her kid likes to twist arms or pull hair or hit, I'm happy that she's willing to prevent her child from touching mine. It's fantastic that your kids are aware of how to gently "pet" a baby, but many little kids have trouble with that concept and if they're still learning, their parents should be proactive.

Also, when my DS2 was very little, he had three rounds of virus-induced bronchiolitis that required him to be hospitalized. I have an older child, so it wasn't possible to keep my baby quarantined at home (although, trust me, I would have loved to). I quite often asked approaching toddlers (and grandmothers...they were the worst, even when he was in a sling) to "please don't touch the bub!" Now that he's older and handles colds better, I don't worry about it, but you better believe after my third weeklong stay at the hospital that I was a bit cautious.

[MtBikeLover]

I was a hovering mom also. But only because my DS was a big time hitter. Any time he touched another toddler, I was right there ready to get him and stop him from hurting someone. And I never let him touch babies - I was too scared that he would really hurt them.

[becoming]

I love to watch my DD interact with other toddlers. She particularly likes to touch other kids on their (clothed) bellies.

I don't "intervene" unless I feel like she's about to attack (she bites! ) or I feel like she's about to get hurt.

[BelgianSheepDog]

I'm all over the place on this one. OP, I hear your confusion. I am so baffled by the "etiquette" of baby get-togethers. My little one is 9 months old and has played with a couple kids exactly her age. That went the best, but it was still nerve-wracking, because I could tell the other moms were nervous and I wasn't sure what I should do about it. Other times I have taken her to a big mama/baby group and she has been the oldest and largest baby there, which is TRULY nerve-wracking. She loves babies, and she understands how to be gentle from our teaching her how to handle the pets. But she is so little, she can't really be expected to understand or follow rules of conduct by herself, so I kind of follow her at a distance as she crawls around.

Last time, she crawled all over the place saying "aiiii!" and waving at the other babies. She petted a 3 month old and I could tell she was about to do her trademark hair-yank so I redirected her preventively. The 3-month-old's mom kind of snipped at me that I didn't need to, and she wants her kid to grow up with lots of playmates. (??) OK, well, but I'm pretty sure you don't want your kid's hair pulled! So I thought, maybe I seem overly cautious, I'll pull back a little. So then my babe was playing with a 7 month old and grabbed a toy he was holding and he wailed and the mom looked at me like I'd just kicked him or something. ACK!

I told dh he's going to mommy group from now on.