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Please help...I live in the belly of a beast!(rant) - Page 2

post #21 of 45
forgive me if these questions were answered before

are you married or s/o?
if you married him , you also married all this 'stuff' you say the house is 'your name only' then you have final say on what goes on in that house...
somehow all that stuff got in your house...

however if you are trying to get hard core about this now 4 years later you need to think about this.... you could be pushing s/o away along with the stuff' it so unds like you are making an ultamatium... either the stuff goes or i make it go?? are you prepared for him to say 'forget it, im outta here'??

you need to pick your battles and decide what approach you are taking... its 'your' house...
post #22 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1growingsprout View Post
forgive me if these questions were answered before

are you married or s/o?
if you married him , you also married all this 'stuff' you say the house is 'your name only' then you have final say on what goes on in that house...
somehow all that stuff got in your house...

however if you are trying to get hard core about this now 4 years later you need to think about this.... you could be pushing s/o away along with the stuff' it so unds like you are making an ultamatium... either the stuff goes or i make it go?? are you prepared for him to say 'forget it, im outta here'??

you need to pick your battles and decide what approach you are taking... its 'your' house...
Oh dear, I must have 'over-ranted'....we aren't married (if you get the urge, check out my post re: I got a ring) Though the house is only in my name, as long as we are together it is 'our' house...and I NEVER throw the whole 'it's my house' thing in his face. That would be mean. The only way that would come up is if we split up....

All the stuff has been coming here over the last couple of years, he had a ton of stuff stored at his grandma's and he'd bring over a few boxes at a time...he also continues to purchase new stuff and take hand me down stuff from friends. That is how we ended up with it all...trust, it was not ALL here when we moved in.

The catalyst for me finally putting my foot down about the mess is as follows. My ds has been dx w/ ADHD and I have been considering a med trial. I wanted to make sure I had covered all my bases prior to just putting ds on meds. My cousin-in-law said to me, if you organized your house, I think ALL of you would feel better, you should just organize and see if that helps before you do the meds thing. So, it's not really even totally about SO...it's to help ds and me. Unfortunatly most of the stuff is SO's...

Um, if I haven't gotten rid of him by now, I prolly won't. He's not a 'bad' man. He's no financial wizard, or Martha Stewart...but as i have said before, I love my wonderful imperfect guy.


eta: I went back and reread the post where I said the house is in my name only...and my point was that HE has the income, I have the credit...we couldn't get financed on another house right now even if we were married. A lender would use his FICO because he has the income. Does that make it make more sense? I am angry and frustrated...but not really wanting to ditch my SO...just needed to vent and find some suggestions on how to undo our clutterdom..
post #23 of 45
gotchya...

i agree with your thinking that some of DS ADD/ADHD symptoms may improve in a calm environment... part of that is not living in perpetual disarry

I totally understand the FICO score/income game... i was a banker before my career as a mommy and DH still works in the industry.

can you send DS to grandma's or somewhere for a day or weekend. and committ time to DH and cleaning the house... maybe make it a family cleaning not just his stuff...

i know this isnt SO's reasoning but i save every box etc for shipping on ebay.. it took my DH a while to accept that but now he understands, i have my box corner in the garage and all is well....

also talk to you DS's therapist about the home condition... my kids are so much calmer some days if i have a few candles burning, however you cant do that for fear of torching the house...
post #24 of 45
Oh, that's good! If the decluttering is for your ds, it'll probably be easier for both of you. Now the two of you can sit down and strategize, because this is something that really needs to happen soon, so that you can make a decision about how to proceed with your son's treatment. You can work as a team, and you can also help your SO by letting him know that you understand that it's hard/painful for him to give stuff away. If the two of you can work out a plan for cleaning the whole house, you'll be all set. Something that helps him not get overwhelmed but still gets the job done.

How did he respond to your cleaning out the closet?
post #25 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia View Post
How did he respond to your cleaning out the closet?
He did okay. He started to tell me what stuff went where from his bin and I said, Then put it where it goes. He did put a few things away. Which is a start, at least he didn't say something nasty or start acting all hateful.
He also cleaned off the back porch because my mom & her dh were coming over for dinner. And the back porch is a mess bcuz of him and the dog (I almost never go out there bcuz of the mess...it's just as disconcerting as the house)
This morning he woke me up at 4:30 to complain about having no clean socks. I told him about 2 or so months ago that I would no longer be accepting 'floor laundry' and he would have to put it into or at least 'near' the laundry hamper. He continues to leave it on the bedroom floor where I must wade to it in order to get to bed.(I mostly sleep on the couch) He threw it all over the room this morning. I cannot get to the closet or dresser w/o moving it. I guess I'll have to break on that 'rule' and do his laundry (which I would do with a smile on my face if he would just put it in the d@mn hamper).
post #26 of 45
Quote:
He threw it all over the room this morning. I cannot get to the closet or dresser w/o moving it. I guess I'll have to break on that 'rule' and do his laundry
Oh no you don't! You put it on his side of the bed, so he'll have to sleep on top of it or under it, and put the hamper on top of the pile. That should make your point quite nicely. He's being an utter child, throwing a temper tantrum like that; don't give in, or it'll never end!

A grown adult should be able to follow simple directions for living, and asking him to put clothes in the hamper is hardly a huge chore. It's not like you're asking him to carry it down to the river and wash his clothes on the rocks! If he wants to be a big baby about it, he needs to suffer the natural consequences - in this case, the ones you've already set out - no clean socks.
post #27 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Corri View Post
Oh no you don't! You put it on his side of the bed, so he'll have to sleep on top of it or under it, and put the hamper on top of the pile. That should make your point quite nicely. He's being an utter child, throwing a temper tantrum like that; don't give in, or it'll never end!

A grown adult should be able to follow simple directions for living, and asking him to put clothes in the hamper is hardly a huge chore. It's not like you're asking him to carry it down to the river and wash his clothes on the rocks! If he wants to be a big baby about it, he needs to suffer the natural consequences - in this case, the ones you've already set out - no clean socks.
At least somebody understands....I am not kidding when I say he acts like I have just asked for a kidney when I ask him to do something...like put his laundry in the hamper.

btw...the hamper is in the kitchen (all of 15 steps from our bedroom). The ONLY reason the hamper is in the kitchen is because in our bedroom we have a Cali King bed which takes up a lot of room. On his side of the bed is an 8 ft pile of stuff (from one of my last attempts to get him to help me organize)on my side of the bed is building materials for our master bathroom. That have been there for TWO YEARS...unfortunately I don't know how to build bathrooms so there it all sits. Anyways, the hamper would be in the bedroom if I had a place to put it.
post #28 of 45
Can you move the building materials to the kitchen, maybe? Or the garage? That would clear out some space.

I totally understand how you feel, btw - though both of us are slightly pack-ratty, so I can't shift the blame entirely. : But it feels a million times better to have a tidy apartment; I just feel much better able to concentrate and focus on things when I have order in my field of vision, y'know?

... just don't ask how long I can actually keep it that way after we clean...
post #29 of 45
Thread Starter 
nak....sadly we don't have an enclosed garage...we live in a 1200sq ft patio home...that was designed for a minimalist appearently...
post #30 of 45
Check out this article on hoarding. That's what this sounds like, and it's serious.

He needs help if he really CAN'T let things go... if he would rather lose his relationships than his junk, then he needs counseling and professional help. Check around on that website and you'll see what I mean.
post #31 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by momma of monkeys View Post
I swear, one of these days, I am just gonna start throwing things out. I even tried having a garage sale...it was not so great...and I have some things (like the entertainment center) that I feel compelled to sell bcuz SO spends so much money on things (like the new tv, xbox 360, hd dvd player, etc) that I just want to recoop a portion of what we had previously spent...
Reassure your husband that if he needs to return something because it is defective you will not need the box. Then, start throwing them away. I know its probably not the most gentle approach, but sometimes packrats need help letting go. I'm a recovering packrat, and I know sometimes I like for my husband to just toss things and not tell me. I almost never notice the stuff is gone.

Additionally, for those with storage units, calculate how much you've spent storing the junk and ask yourself (or SO) if anything in the unit is worth that much. Dh and I spent $50/mo for over 2 years storing junk we eventually tossed. That's $1200....flush!
post #32 of 45
After reading more of your posts, I say, go get a storage unit, a uhaul (unless your or a friend has a pick up) and take everything of his there. It might take a few, or many, trips, but getting out of the house will help you so much.
post #33 of 45
The rule at our house (and we too moved!) is that he can clutter up the non living areas but if his mess protrudes into the main living space I stack it all up on his desk. I do spend a lot of time picking his stuff up and moving it to the office but it works for us! The unfinished upstairs is also junked as are 2 buildings... sigh
post #34 of 45
Quote:
This morning he woke me up at 4:30 to complain about having no clean socks. I told him about 2 or so months ago that I would no longer be accepting 'floor laundry' and he would have to put it into or at least 'near' the laundry hamper. He continues to leave it on the bedroom floor where I must wade to it in order to get to bed.(I mostly sleep on the couch) He threw it all over the room this morning. I cannot get to the closet or dresser w/o moving it. I guess I'll have to break on that 'rule' and do his laundry (which I would do with a smile on my face if he would just put it in the d@mn hamper).
If he needs socks he can either 1) do laundry himself or 2) put it in the hamper. Neither option is very difficult. Does he remember the rule? Have you guys talked about it recently?
post #35 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Conteuse View Post
Check out this article on hoarding. That's what this sounds like, and it's serious.

He needs help if he really CAN'T let things go... if he would rather lose his relationships than his junk, then he needs counseling and professional help. Check around on that website and you'll see what I mean.
: Well, that about wraps it up...though I must say, at least it's not garbage that is OBVIOUS garbage....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thalia View Post
If he needs socks he can either 1) do laundry himself or 2) put it in the hamper. Neither option is very difficult. Does he remember the rule? Have you guys talked about it recently?
Actually we have, I said something to him when I took lunch at work...and he waved his arm at me (in a dismissing way) and walked off....!!!

When my mom leaves town next week, I am going to give myself about 3-5 days per room...the master bedroom is gonna be a b!tch...
post #36 of 45
Maybe give him one room or part of one room for his junk and then organize the rest.

Can you hire a home organizer or ask for one as a gift?
post #37 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Megan~ View Post
Maybe give him one room or part of one room for his junk and then organize the rest.

Can you hire a home organizer or ask for one as a gift?
He lost his 'office' (aka...his room full of crap) when we had dd...we live in a 3/2, and have two kiddos...I would LOVE to have a room just for him. It's funny, he thinks we just need a bigger house. I think we just need to let go of things....
post #38 of 45
You have two adults and two children in a three bedroom, two bath house? You DO NOT need a bigger house.
post #39 of 45
My friend told me how she gets rid of stuff. She'll conquer a corner or closet at the beginning of the week and put everything into bins. She then lets her family know that whatever has not found a permanent place to live (meaning not just placed in another pile) will be thrown out at the end of the week. Her theory is, if it's that important an effort would be made to save and keep the item in good condition. If they're not even willing to care for an item it must not be valuable and can be discarded.
post #40 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Leta View Post
You have two adults and two children in a three bedroom, two bath house? You DO NOT need a bigger house.
...and a 90+ lb rottie and basically no yard or good place for the kids to play outside or the dog to get decent excercise. Maybe not a bigger house, maybe a bigger lot and an enclosed garage....and what about when we want to ttc for #3?
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