Birthday party question: bringing children who are not on the guest list--wwyd?

[GranoLLLy-girl]

I am wondering what folks thoughts are on this matter.
My dd is having a 5th b-day party at My-Gym...it's a big deal for her, etc.
The limit for the party is 20 children, after that, there are additional fees to pay for extra My-Gym staff.
The 20 quota has been filled and all except one mom RSVPed.
Today, she said to me in passing--I am RSVPing now and I am bringing my other daughter as well.
And I told her that I was so sorry that I didn't include in the head count additional siblings or friends and that an extra child over twenty would mean that I would have to pay for an additional staff member (which is, I think, is really expensive--like $75 for the party).
Now, the reason that we have so many people coming is because there will be cousins of all ages there and because this is the first time dd has ever been in preschool, we invited all 12 of her classmates (and they are all coming).
I really don't want to get into a discussion about the number of kids at a 5 year olds party, or that debate about over-the-top birthday parties--this is a one time event in the way of big parties, and we are trying to make sure we include cousins in town for Easter, family and the preschool classmates.
So back to the question at hand:
was it rude of her to tell me she was bringing an additional child, or rude of me to turn her down?
Thanks for your thoughts... please be gentle I already feel guilty about this.

[Justmee]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

was it rude of her to tell me she was bringing an additional child, or rude of me to turn her down?
Thanks for your thoughts... please be gentle I already feel guilty about this.

It was rude of her to tell you she was bringing another child. Happy birthday to your dd

[chinaKat]

You were not rude at all. The other mother was.

One time when I was a kid my friend's mom brought along another kid to MY birthday party. A kid that I wasn't even friends with. And she didn't even bring me a real birthday gift! (She gave me a pack of gum.) I didn't have a Holly Hobby gift bag for her, either, since there were only enough to go around for invited guests.

Man, I was mad. 30 years later, I still think to myself -- the nerve of that lady!

[Laggie]

I think it was totally okay for you to say no, not rude at all.

I also think it is okay to ask if you can bring an extra sibling, but not okay to assume you can. Particularly if the parent is expected to stay with the invited child during the party, which I'm not sure if this is the case with yours or not.

At least she mentioned her other child, rather than just showing up with her... Was she understanding about it, or ticked off?

[Tigerchild]

Yep, I think it's very rude to TELL someone you'll be bringing a sib.

Whenever a parent has wanted to do that at one of my kids' parties, they've always asked first. Though they've always been at our house, so it's no problem--and most of the time I remember to say 'siblings welcome, but please let me know' on the invites. But when I've forgotten people have ALWAYS asked, and seemed to have the assumption that it wouldn't be okay until they heard from me.

There's so much of a difference between asking "are there room for siblings, by any chance", and "Oh yeah, sorry I waited until the last minute to RSVP, and by the way I'm bringing big sister Sally Sue too!"

It could be that she just didn't realize how important head counts are for staffing, which is important at a place like My Gym for safety. But she was in the wrong for assuming and putting you on the spot like that.

[Hazelnut]

I thought bringing sibs without the invite was a No no. If everyone did that, some people could easily have zillions of kiddos, which won't work at all parties.

[MommytoTwo]

Nope it was rude of her to assume it was ok for her to bring her other dd when her name was not on the invite. ANd knowing it was at a place should clue her in to the fact that there is a head count limit.

[Kundalini-Mama]

You were not rude. If you were having a home party, I could see her asking about the sib (in our circle sibs are always assumed to be invited, but we all homeschool so there is none of this "invite the whole class" thing)--to ask about an additional child at a fancy schmancy party (and the fact that she didn't RSVP right away), was beyond rude.

ETA: my older son had a party at our local gym, it was such a freakin' blast!! Man, did he and all the kids have fun. Do not make apologizies for having a big party, sometimes, that is how it goes

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by Laggie

I think it was totally okay for you to say no, not rude at all.

I also think it is okay to ask if you can bring an extra sibling, but not okay to assume you can. Particularly if the parent is expected to stay with the invited child during the party, which I'm not sure if this is the case with yours or not.

At least she mentioned her other child, rather than just showing up with her... Was she understanding about it, or ticked off?

Just to clarify--parents are not expected to stay with the kids. Maybe I should have told her that? Thanks for that thought, you've gotten my brain to think along these lines.

Thank you for the other kind replies. I feel guilty enough having this big bash (just because we don't want our kids to feel like this kind of a party is a standard affair for our family--in the way of costs and what's important in life)...but with Easter so close to her b-day this year and family involved--not to mention her very first year of preschool--we thought it would be fun.

To answer the ticked off question--she (the mother) wasn't really happy about it; I wouldn't say outright rude, but 'short' if you know what I mean. That's probably what triggered my guilty reaction (that and the whole big party thing).
Thanks again.

[bobica]

she was rude. it happens way too often, so many people don't think twice about it. if she would have asked you in advance, that would have been another story but you still wouldn't have been rude to refuse.

[Kundalini-Mama]

You know, when we had our big bash at the gym place, it cost me like $150 plus I had to make cake. But, I didn't have to run around like a freakin' madman cleaning my house for the party and then cleaning it again once everybody had thoroughly destroyed it. $150 for a party and me not having to stress is frankly, priceless.

Enjoy yourselves w/no guilt.

[lalaland42]

No guilt here. We are doing a similar event for DD's b-day on Sunday. She will be 2. In my defense though, it is a co-birthday with her friend who is turning 4 on the same day. -I assumed someone would try to bring a sibling and we didn't have to invite the limit so I left a space for one sibling. But that just worked for our guest list.

If it was a party at home, I would be flexible but for these gym parties (ours is at an inflatable bounce house place) bringing extra kids is a hassle. I would say that the woman probably doesn't know what to do with the sibling but she could have asked rather then demanded. It was pretty rude.

[newmommy]

It was rude but I have learned to be very flexible to all kinds of deals when it comes to B-Day Parties.

But I would have smiled and said "sure, but just know that I didn't include her in the head count so you would have to pay her fee for the additional child"

and left the ball in her court by letting her decided if she wanted to bring her extra child after all.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Thanks for all the replies.
Newmommy, I would have done that, however, the "head count" in this case would have been an additional $75 to $100 for an additional "trainer".
If the party was at one of those bounce places, that would have been different--but with My-Gym, you get the whole facility for your use, and you pay per trainer per every 10 kids. Over 20 (which is what I would be facing in this case) would have cost much more than just an entry fee.

I did call the mom last night and suggest that just drop off her one daughter who was invited, if child care is the issue (hers are 5 and 7--the 5 year old is the invited one)--and take her 7 year old to the scrapbook shop, pizza shop or pottery painting place, all within rock-throwing distance, literally, while her little one enjoyed the party. suggested that it might be a nice way to spend some one on one time with the elder child. She wasn't thrilled about that.
Oh well, I tried to make the best of the situation.

[kewb]

It was rude. I have had to bring one sibling or another along due to not having any one to watch the other sibling but I have always called the mom ahead of time to ask if it was okay and to let the mom know that either I would tell x that they will not be able to participate in the activity or that I am willing to pay for x to participate in the activities and they do not expect a goodie bag.

You are under no obligation to accept extra kids.

[MtBikeLover]

I definitely think it was rude the way she just assumed that it was ok. But if the sibling is a baby, and she doesn't feel comfortable leaving her 5 year old alone without her, then I would probably see if there was some way I could accomodate her. You might try giving MyGym a call and see if they would allow one more child without an additional cost. In my experiences from having been to many of these types of parties, one child doesn't make a difference. It's only if it ends up being 5-10 more.

When we throw parties, I know who has siblings and always extend the invite to cover the siblings. But then again, my children are a little younger so I know most parents like to stay with their kids.

And don't feel guilty about having a big party - we threw a huge pool party for our kids 2 & 4 birthdays (combined party), with about 30 kids, and they had a blast. We had a great time too as did all the other parents and kids.

[becoming]

It was rude of her to assume she could bring another child. You didn't do anything wrong.

The party sounds like lots of fun! Happy birthday to your DD.

[mamaduck]

She was in the wrong, in terms of standard social ettiquite. You did nothing at all improper. However, I have will say that I have learned the hard way to be very explicit on invitations about this issue, because it *always* comes up. My kids have received a fair number of invites that say, "Sorry, but we cannot accomodate siblings this time."

The past few years I've put on the invites, "Siblings are invited to join us after the party (at whatever time) for a slice of cake." Then I just need to spring for an extra-big cake and provide 15 minutes to hand it out in paper bowls. It usually gets the message accross in a reasonably polite way, and appeases everyone.

[funkygranolamama]

We had a party at a place like that before. Due to all my experience in the years before of moms just dropping off siblings without asking I had to include a note on my invitation: "This party is being prepaid by the number of children invited. Please RSVP for invited children and send $12 to cover any siblings dropped off (each), for playground and food". We did have one sibling, but no one else dared to bring one. I can't stand when parents do that. Of course, some parents who have no ends to their means don't understand why others do I think you did the right thing in standing up for yourself. I wouldn't stress her being short with you, she was probably just embarassed (as she should have been).