dealing with frustration (a vent)

[Happypants]

last night i reached my limit trying to get ds to sleep. i'll try not to go into the minute details: he had been asleep for a few hours, woke up at 11:00 and i nursed him back to sleep (it took awhile), i went back out to finish watching a movie, he woke up again a few minutes later and i decided i'd go ahead and go to bed since i had barely managed not to fall asleep the last time. he fell asleep, and then so did i, but five minutes later he was awake again wanting to nurse. that happened several times, and that's when i started to get frustrated. i wanted to be either sleeping or finishing the movie and spending time with dh, not spending hours laying in bed tired but unable to sleep. the last few nights i've stayed up too late and have thus been sleep deprived the next day, and i've also been drinking tea and coffee which is a recipe for disaster for me.

anyway, i felt myself getting frustrated but it still seemed like ds would drop off to sleep any minute. but he kept digging his toes into me and/or scraping his fingernail across my skin right above where he was latched on, and i really didn't want to be there anymore. [pause] this is where a normal person gets out of bed and asks their dh to take over, i guess, but i'm always the one to put ds to sleep, so i never really thought of that as an option. [resume..] feeling like my head was going to explode if i laid there for any longer, i got out of bed, grabbed a pillow, and slammed it against the floor a couple of times on the way out the door. then i stormed around to the back door and started pounding on it. my bewildered dh yelled "hey!" at me a few times in a gentle way, but i didn't stop, so then he raised his voice and said "hey!" a few more times in an angry-sounding way. (this is a man who never raises his voice.) i turned around and yelled "i'm not hurting our child. if i'm so frustrated that i feel like i'm going to burst i can take it out on the f-ing back door" and then kicked the back door. did i mention that we have upstairs neighbors? i stormed around some more while dh eventually got ds to sleep and i eventually went to bed.

based on what i yelled last night and what i meant, i tried to explain to dh this morning that i wasn't angry at ds and i didn't at any point have the urge to hurt him, and that i never have, but that i was extremely frustrated and didn't think it was a good idea to lay there next to him while i was feeling like i was. i have never struck another person in anger or frustration and i hope that i never do. but i do scare myself sometimes with the intensity of my emotions and i know that i have it in me to strike out. when i was a preteen/young teenager i used to smack my dog for her transgressions and kicked her once or twice--that was right after my parents got divorced and i was taking all those bad feelings out on her. i also have horses and used to smack them when they misbehaved (which is widely accepted in the horse world), but once i realized how idiotic it is to try and gain cooperation by force i tried to stop. it wasn't easy, especially when i wanted to smack because i was angry... i'm rambling, but the point is that i know i'm capable of hurting others when i get angry, and that scares me. i wasn't angry last night, but it didn't feel safe to feel so (negatively) passionate and be so close to him.

i don't want ds to be afraid of me. i know i need to take care of myself better so that it doesn't get to the point it did last night, and enlist dh's help when i need it--it hasn't been much of an option until lately because dh had been working two jobs. but i know that i can't prevent feeling frustration sometimes, and i'm quite sure i will feel intense frustration again as ds gets older. i just hope i can get a grip on myself and learn to step back before losing it again. the whole ordeal seems so stupid to type it all out, and i'm sure i sound insane. last night i was feeling okay about it until i yelled at dh (that hadn't been part of my plan) and i felt even worse this morning when dh was considering not going to work because he was so concerned about my mental well-being.

thanks for reading my novel, if you got this far. i had to type it out so it wouldn't feel like some big secret.

[ShadowMom]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, mama! Some of my worst moments have also been that same exact situation - I mean, just go to freakin' sleep before I go nuts, here! That's the sort of thing in my mind.

I don't think there is a parent in the world who isn't pushed to the brink by their children.

I have to tell you, as healthy an outlet as it was to kick the door, it does make me a bit concerned for you. It's really hard to know, not being in the situation (and all of the little frustrations during the day that contribute), but it does sound you might have some problems controlling your anger. Honestly, I think we all (collective we, meaning everyone) could benefit from a few anger management classes, maybe they would be able to give you some techniques for how to handle these situations? I'm thinking of going myself.

Honestly though, you didn't hit or yell at your kid... what more can anyone ask of you?

[newmommy]

Mama.

Sleep depravation can wreak havoc on one's senses. I've been there.

[Happypants]

thanks for your replies.

kay, you're probably right. the thing is, it *seems* like i have gotten better about controlling my anger than i used to be, and i do think that i have a bit, but even though i don't have these kinds of incidents as much as i did when i was a teenager, i'm also a lot happier than i was then, so the opportunities for practicing anger management are fewer and farther between. i will look into anger management classes, thank you for the suggestion.

i learned the bad techniques from my childhood nuclear family, and i sure don't want my ds to follow my example, so i do need to figure it out.

newmommy, thanks for the commiseration.

[Terabith]

I really am not seeing what the problem is? (I mean, besides being sleep deprived and your son refusing to sleep!) You got frustrated and angry and you kicked a door. I'm always telling my kids when they are angry to hit a pillow or something. You didn't yell or take it out on your son. Sounds to me like you managed your anger very well. Anger management doesn't mean not getting angry. You can't help feelings, only what you do with them, and the back door can handle it.

It drives me INSANE when my dd doesnt want me to leave but won't sleep. It is really infuriating and frustrating. You aren't alone!

[FireFrog]

Man, oh, man -- I could have written your post, almost exactly. The only difference is that I had my DD before I learned how to better manage my anger. ( I was a young single mother at the time.) Luckily, I had support and help from various people in my life, so I never got to the point that I actually abused my DD. But it was very borderline. I am so grateful that I never crossed that line -- having support makes all the difference.

Now that I have DS and am in a loving relationship, those feelings are fewer and futher between for me as well. Like you, though, when that anger rears its ugly head, I do get concerned. The physical sensation of being so angry is really unpleasant. It is the worst when it comes to sleep. I have all the patience in the world as long as I have enough sleep. But it's a whole different thing when I am sleep deprived -- which has been the state of my life since DS was born.

I guess the point of my post is to let you know that you are not alone and you are not a bad person for any of this. Being responsaible for another human being is difficult under the best circumstances, let alone when you are tired and worn out. I think you hit the nail on the head about asking your DH for help. I had to learn that it is okay to ask for help. most of the time my DH is happy to do anything at all to make things easier for me.

Good luck!

[Happypants]

jessica: honestly, when i pounded the door, i knew i was just venting my frustration on something that could handle it, and i was glad my head was clear enough to do that. but i did yell at my husband when he got upset at what i was doing. and it wasn't just that i raised my voice; i'm sure the upstairs neighbors heard clearly every word i said. so, my point is, it's good that i didn't take my frustrations out on ds, not so good that i proceeded to take them out on dh. i sometimes have a tendency to do that.

firefrog, thanks for sharing. i don't like the physical feeling of getting angry, either. yesterday i felt so raw and icky. i hope that your ds starts sleeping better, too, so that you can get some sleep!