Will DH's lack of preparation hurt my labor?

[CeraMae]

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[kimmysue2]

My husband and I never took any classes. My husband pretty much acted like yours but when the day came he was there for me even cut the cord. His excuse was the DR told him to. He was scared and hated seeing my in pain enough so as to not have any more children. He waited on me and was standing almost the whole time. He was so tired it was cute when he asked if he could go home to sleep.

Yours should be fine when the big day comes.
Oh just FYI.

My husband was not into our son in the beginning. He is not a big baby person. Don't get me wrong he loved/loves our son but he was very hard for him to deal with a crying baby even thought our son was not a cry baby. Now that our son is 14 months old he is wonderful with him.

[momto l&a]

I really dont think that there really is much to prepare for on a mans part unless you are going unassisted.

My dh did no reading or preparation just listened to me when I would talk of what I had read or learned that day. He went to the m/w each time I went. We didnt do classes becasue IMO and my m/w's all that goes out the window when labor starts. My mw was so right about that because you just listen and do what your body says to do, so natural IMO.

With our first birth he was a little nerviuos because of the unknown but he so enjoyed the birth, he was telling everybody that it is the only way to be born unless there are complications that would require a hospital. Our second he was just as thrilled to be having a hb because "its just so relaxing, no stress from a hospital setting". Dh was so attentive to me ( I couldnt have asked for anything more talk about pampered ) during the birth, the mw's just stepped back and let him do what he could.

Ok. All of this rambling just to say IMO I think you should just relax. Maybe he will open up and let you know what is concerning him.

[Katana]

CeraMae,



I personally don't know any men that know what to do with themselves when labor starts. Especially with their first child.

Once he gets used to the fact that you are in labor, and you are having a baby, he should snap out of it. So hopefully you'll have a labor longer than a half an hour.

I do think he will step up, and it will be all okay. My dh slept through the first part of my labor with my ds. I finally gave him a really good kick to his leg and said if he didn't help me, I was going to start pulling his leg hairs out, one at a time. Sometimes you just have to find the proper motivaton.

By the time I was pushing, he was holding my hands and helping me along, just like I needed.

And, nineteen months later, when dd was born, he was a true labor and delivery champ.

I know it's hard, but try not to worry. It will all be okay.

[lilyka]

Try asking him what he plans on doing during labor (not in a judgmental way but just matter of fact) If it doesn't sound like he wants to really involved with coaching etc. . . that is OK./ It is fine for him just to be there to become a father. It really is a big moment for him to and too much resposibility could ruin it for him (I know it isn't fair that we don't get that option :LOL) If you don't think you can count on him to do all the things you need (I never expected these things from my dh - who acted much the same as yours. On the upside he ended up exceding my expectations and that was a good thing for us. sure beats dissapointment. I keep getting sidetracked. get a doula. that way you will have someone to " coach" (io reallyhate that term) you and meet your needs as well as guide dh if he wants to jump in. That way every one can be happy and he can have a better plan next time.

[dotcommama]

I think your dh will step up to the plate when the time comes.

My dh isn't really involved in the pregnancy part of rearing our children and now due with baby #3 I'm okay with that. He doesn't get all excited to get stuff ready for the baby or even to feel the baby kicking in my belly. We don't really talk about having a baby - but then when I go into labor everything changes and once the baby is out he's a great father. I know it will be the same this time as it was with our other two. When I ask him if he's ready to have a baby he always says, "No, but I will be when he comes."

I think you should openly talk with your dh about your concerns though just so they don't weigh you down. Be careful not to attack him for how he's feeling. Be ready to listen to him and his fears too.

[mkschutt]

My husband was very much like yours. He is a great person and we too have a great relationship but he just didn't get all the birth prep stuff. We did Bradley classes but because we work split shifts we couldn't practice during the week and practicing was not his weekend priority.

That being said, he truly stepped up during labor and delivery. We did have a doula, who my husband hated, which may have added to his innitial hesitancy in getting involved, but having her there pushed my husband closer and closer to me. I labored for 31 hours, with all but three of those hours being at home, and our doctor let my husband deliver our daughter. He still refers to this as the most profound moment of his life and it created and instant bond between father and daughter. Despite my husband's initial resistance, the support he gave when it really mattered was the only way I could have ever had the completely natural birth I did without him.

I believe that if you and your husband have the quality relationship that you write about, he too will come through in the end. In the meantime however, I would encourage you to practice as many of the Bradley exercises as you can on your own. As you know, Bradley is all about relaxation, a skill that is truly learned.

[Dodo]

My dh was uninterested in and freaked out by my pregnancy with our dd. He didn't read anything. He begged me (and I agreed!) to drop out of our prenatal class. He missed the tour of the birthing centre. He hardly made it to any prenatal appts., in spite of a very flexible schedule. He had no opinion on the layette. Didn't care what diapers as long as they were cloth. Refused to shop for strollers with me (and I ended up buying one that is too short for him to use with ease).

In the end, it didn't matter. He was the only person I felt comfortable with during the labour. He was in love with his daughter as soon as she was born. He has been a dedicated dad ever since.

[CeraMae]

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[Kirsten]

Well, I am going to encourage you in a different way - I hope that is ok...

Dh and I took Bradley classes too. Not sure if he was as into them as I was but he dutifully did/practiced all the stuff. Relaxation, exercises, etc. Everything went well in labor and I was glad we had practiced.

If it is important to you (and it seems it is) then I would just sit down with him and explain that even though he may think it silly or unnecessary or whatever, it would make YOU feel better if you two practiced a little together. Maybe not at class where he may feel self-concious but at home in private. Have you asked him to try for five minutes a day just to appease you?

One thing that happened when we were practicing - I like having my hair stroked. He was doing that during a relaxation practice and ran his hand over my ear. How annoying! It was loud and just interupted my nice relaxation. I was able to tell him that (in a nice way - am sure in labor I would have bit his head off....) and show him myself (ran my hand over his hair a few times then over his ear - he immediately understood what I was saying). I also found it helpful to go over what terms/words I felt more connected to and which seemed off to me. Personally, I liked him to softly, monotone, tell me "relax" or "loose" or "limp" or things of that nature. "good job" is fine once in a while but it wouldn't get me through a contraction. I also liked "muscles working" as that is what it is. Saying things that helped me focus on relaxation were good.
I also liked at least talking about good positions - now this may change - what you think you like now may not be what you like during labor but still.

Because you need him to help you and because you are the one going through labor and because he loves you, I would think he would come around and practice a little with you now if it is important to you. I hope he does.
Kirsten

[CeraMae]

He was not into practicing at all. I would try to do stuff together everyday and he went about it pretty grudgingly. So I tried 2x a week, and still it was like a huge chore. He just didn't see the point because "we won't know what works utnil you are in labor" although I tried explaining to him that it is good to have an arsenal of things that work for us now that we're experienced at. He just didn't get it. He acts like it is a huge chore to even rub my back and practice that. I was kind and patient for a month and feeling pretty discouraged then, but I just had to tell myself that if it isn't in his nature to want to do these things than he is better off being himself when the day comes. He still doesn't know how to touch me right and I've tried every nice way I can think of to encourage him to learn, but the man honestly does not see the point. : He 100% believes that nothing I like now will work during labor, thanks to a few women who said "I thought I'd like this but I didn't" Hopefully I'll be one of the people who doesn't want him to touch me and just needs him there to hold my hand, because honestly I think that is the only thing he'll know how to do. He's a very affectionate and sweet guy, so hopefully I'll just need his gentle caresses instead of massages. And I've surrendered to the fact that I'm going to need to be in control of my own relaxation also because he hasn't a clue when I am tense. I've been doing a ton of meditating and relaxation work on my own to try and prepare for this.
Sorry all of this is so long, and maybe this seems like a silly thread started by a worrisome 1st timer. I really am a laid back, mind-over-matter type of person with VERY few worries, but I am also so very aware of the effect that my environment has on me and the fact that unresolved issues can make labor longer and more painful. I am trying to resolve my issues with him in my head first, by realizing I'm expecting too much of hiim, instead of laying into him about how he hasn't prepared in the way that I would want him to. I don't see any reason to be hard on him if it is just in most guy's nature not to "step up to the plate" until baby is actually on its way out of my body. My problem through this entire pregnancy hasn't been so much with HIM as it has been with MY expectations of him. I am surrounded by women whose husbands are SO excited that they are pregnant, adoring their pregnant bodies, constantly playing with their bellies, eagerly preparing for labor, and practically waiting on them hand and foot. I'm very independent and don't want the latter one, but I've worked my tail off working ft and going to school 16hrs/week, on top of my normal nesting stuff. Dh is freaked out about the pregnancy (but excited inside), does not like my body, doesn't get interested in my belly unless I ask him to feel something, and acting like I'm pulling his teeth if I utter the words "practice" to him. Most of this I have come to terms with but it is the fact that I am due any day and he wants me to "stay pregnant for another couple of years" so he can "play with his toys and not have to grow up" that was getting to me. I'm sure everything will work out, but that doesn't make it easy

[candiland]

My DH wasn't all that prepared, either.
We did a few "trial" runs... like, he'd run his hands over each part of my body and I'd tense and relax those muscles, that type of thing. That's pretty much it.
During labor, he had me laughing so hard until transition I didn't know if it was the contractions or the laughter that made my stomach hurt. When transition hit, he held me, put on music, got me drinks, stroked my hair... he pushed "with" me during the pushing phase (I had him in a headlock behind me the first time around)... that is all I really needed, was for him to really be present for me.
However, if you are delivering in a hospital, please consider getting yourself a doula. Doula students may even be willing to work for free so they can get certified. Trust me on this one... please. When you start sweating, shaking, pooping, etc., he may get totally overwhelmed and just go along with whatever your doctor or midwife suggests. Even I sometimes get overwhelmed in a hospital environment, and I'm used to working with birthing women! If you really, truly want to stay empowered and have a really satisfying hospital birth, you need someone experienced in childbirth who can help you carry out your wishes. Your husband will be more carried away with the birth than you are!

[Kiki Runs]

I would second Kirsten's suggestion of talking about it w/him. My DH was just like yours sounds, but unlike the other lucky posters here, he DIDN'T step up once labor started. Thank goodness my mom was here for me, otherwise I would probably just have broken down.

I tried several times to talk to DH about labor (before it happened) so that we could prepare, but he just wouldn't tune in. He wouldn't put any thought or preparation into it. I don't know if he thought we could just wing it once things got going, or what. What ended up happening (and I'll admit, my labor was long) was he SLEPT through a lot of it. It ticked me off then, and it ticks me off now. I wish I had been more emphatic before labor about how he would need to be strong for me.

Good luck to you both, and make sure you are going to get the support you need. I know he's becoming a parent, too, but you're doing the hard (and scary for a first-timer) work. If your dh can't or won't be the help you need, I say get a doula.

[Kirsten]

I don't think you are being silly - and I don't think you are expecting too much. Natural childbirth is very possible but it doesn't happen without a lot of planning, education, practice, dedication/commitment to it, and hard work. I think the #1 thing is your knowing in your heart that you will do this. Not necessarily if you practiced a certain number of minutes a day or having a high pain threshold (I certainly don't and have done it twice). But that said, I am not sure I would have been successful without my dh and very good midwives.

Where are you giving birth? Are you totally on the same page with your care provider? Do you have a concise but clear birth plan written out? If any of these are the slightest maybe not completely, then I would agree with other posters who suggested you get a doula. I am generally more for the parents to support each other through birth - I think it bonds you like nothing else ever will. But some guys just won't step up to the plate - and from how your dh is acting now, I have my doubts. I am sorry and wish he would step up and maybe he will surprise us and do a great job. But you can't count on that and you sure shouldn't bet your birth on it.

Good luck and you do what you need to do to have the birth you want. Maybe he will learn and really be supportive next pregnancy.
Kirsten

[cottonwood]

I'm sorry there is this discrepency between you. I think if it was my husband, and I were feeling like I needed a certain degree of involvement from him that he didn't feel comfortable giving, that I would just ask him to humor me for the sake of my psychological well-being if nothing else -- because it *will* affect the birth. Men in general do not understand this -- they see it primarily as a mechnical process that will happen in a certain way regardless of what you're feeling. Which is dead-on wrong. If you feel you need something -- it really doesn't matter whether anybody else thinks it's necessary or not -- it will only help you mentally and emotionally to receive it. And my god, it is not that big a deal. It's not like you are asking him to have the baby himself, you're just asking for a little of his time in which he does what makes you feel better. Even if what you practice has no relevance to your labor (and he's right, it very well may not,) the effect it has on you *now*, of spending time together focusing on the birth, is important to you in terms of setting up a good frame of mind for going into the birth.

[Arduinna]

Sorry to be the voice of dissent, but I wouldn't count on him "stepping up to the plate". First off, I'd decide what that means anyway. DO you really want to do Bradley?? If you do you both need to practice it well. I'm sorry to say it, but tough if he doesn't think it's worth practicing. You are the one that will be giving birth. If he won't practice, I would hire a doula, or have someone expereinced in Bradley be your partner and he can watch. I was in a similar boat. Tried doing Bradley, little practice and ended up induced at 44 weeks with back labor with a posterior baby. The practice would have reallly helped. Especially when I finally hit the emotional doubt signpost and everyone in the room was clueless. So when I said I wanted a c section at that point (and 18 hours of labor) they all crumbled and agreed.

Get the support you want and need, you'll be happy you had it.

[cottonwood]

I agree -- If you're doing Bradley, it's no use hoping he will come around by the time of the birth -- that will be too late.
I'd have "the talk" now, and if he still isn't convinced, you're either going to have to find another partner (for the birth, lol) or look at changing your own approach to the birth.

If you are doing Bradley because it instinctively feels like a good fit (rather than just because it's been recommended,) then I'd find a partner (like a doula, but it could be anybody who you feel good about having there who will make the commitment) that will practice with you.

Otherwise it seems like you're really just going to have to work on bolstering up your own inner confidence and strength. (Which is important for the birth in any case, but especially now.)

I know many people love Bradley, but it is not the only valid approach, and for some people (like me) it is not a good approach at all. If you have to let go of the Bradley dream, it would be worth exploring other ways of dealing with labor.

[cottonwood]

As for being resentful, it might help to remember that at no time in the history of humankind has it been the norm for women to be attended by their mates in birth. Whether it is because men are genetically predisposed to be a certain way, or because they are taught to be a certain way, or simply because (having not given birth themselves) they have no basis for understanding what it's like and therefore are limited in how helpful they can be, for many men it does not seem to be a natural thing, even foreign and scary, to be a woman's labor partner. In my mind, it's unfortunate then that men have to feel pressured to do so, although if the woman feels she needs support and advocacy and he's the only (or best) one for the job, he needs to just grow up and step up to the plate.

The Bradley method arose because women were already in a patriarchal system, not only in the hospital but in life in general. We no longer live in villages; families are isolated from one another. Women no longer have mothers, aunts, cousins, grandmothers, friends living just down the road. Coupled women are unusually dependant (historically speaking) on their mates for the fulfillment of their emotional needs and other kinds of support. Meanwhile the hospital system has made birth into a clinical, detached, assembly-line process in which the patient is passive and told what to do every step of the way. Bradley was very much a product of that system, but recognized that if a woman was going to have to go through that, it would at least help calm and center her if the person helping her was someone she had a deep emotional connection to.

The husband, however, is not an inherently necessary part of the birth process. This is a culturally conditioned notion, and maybe necessary in that context. But that doesn't mean that every person within that culture is therefore going to naturally fall into place when called on. We have deeper, older things driving us, and so there is a conflict.

[CeraMae]

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[Kirsten]

I am very, very sad that some of your Bradley teachers have been so very different than the one we had! Bradley (at least the Bradley we learned) is not about then men telling the women what and how to get through labor but learning together what the WOMAN likes best and how he can best help her. It is all about the woman and her particular style, likes, emotions, etc. It is an incredible bonding experience to have the two parents of the baby working so intimately together during labor and birth. To depend on and take comfort from your life partner and the father of the baby.
I am sorry that some have not had good Bradley experiences. Ours was so positive. I guess like everything, it depends on the teacher....
In your case, I would definitely get a doula. It may be a little late to start a whole new childbirth approach - didn't you say you are due very soon? I hope your mom is here when you birth.
Kirsten