Will DH's lack of preparation hurt my labor? - Page 2

[candiland]

I agree, Kirsten. My Bradley classes were wonderful! We did not read from the original Bradley book, as many women have found it degrading and dehumanizing in the past. Instead, we purchased and read "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way". The main focus of the class was learning the pro's and con's of interventions and how to use natural techniques before resorting to medical interventions. This included positions and breathing - not any particular form of breathing, 'cept for understanding deep breathing to help release the fear-tension-pain cycle - and good visualization techniques to help mom, if it worked for her. The only time the husband was expected to kind of step in and take control was if and when hospital staff were taking advantage of the laboring mother and pushing unnecessary interventions she did not want.
I think that, as long as you are at home with a supportive midwife and any other women who are comfortable with the sights and sounds of birth, it won't be an issue at all. I mean, honestly... as long as he can hold your hands and tell you how wonderful you're doing... and give you drinks and snacks and cold rags when you need them... he'll be doing great!!!

[cottonwood]

CeraMae, my husband was not involved in the pre-labor preparation (aside from going to a few prenatals with me) or in the labor at all during my first birth. I only really remember him at the end holding my hand (because the midwife told him to) and I looked at him and he looked very scared.

Fast-forward to my third birth, and he was totally blase' and confident about the process, so much so that he was comfortable being the only one there with me, and ready to do whatever I needed. I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to be "getting" it yet. But that doesn't mean he never will.

Kirsten and Candiland, it is really interesting how Bradley CBE is changing, that it's (with some instructors) either not so much or not at all about husband-coached childbirth. What I'm wondering is: without the "coached" part of it (that was so defining of the original Bradley method,) how is Bradley different from other natural CBE classes, that is, what specifically makes it the "Bradley Way"?

[Kirsten]

I don't know specifics about other private childbirth classes but for me, Bradley was about relaxation, working WITH my body, being supported by my dh, avoiding interventions, utilizing gravity, seeing birth as a natural process (and before labor - exercises to prepare my body and Dr. Brewer's pregnancy nutrition plan).

The book "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way" by Susan McCutcheon-Rosegg is very, very good and is a clear and easy read if anyone is interested in finding out more. It is much, much better than the book that Dr. Bradley wrote I think. He put together a great theory but SM-R says it better IMO. Dr. Bradley just comes across as too old-fashioned for me.
Kirsten

[Cindi]

Don't just try to resolve it in yourself. I think you should express everything you did to us here, to your dh, and be humble and not blaming, but honest about your fear and all emotions. Then leave it to him to arrive at an understanding or not, as he may have that much fear and blockage that he cannot be who you would like.

I did experience this with dh...not so much while laboring, but in parenting an infant. I could recognize he was battling huge traumas (memories) that were sometimes conscious and many time unconscious. Now that I am getting close to giving birth again, I have been expressing a lot of what my fears are about him not being there for me.

It would definitely be okay for you to ask of him to participate in a way that would help you, even if he has trouble feeling that he himself would benefit. But also try to set up other systems of support in case he doesn't show up...so you can call on others. Will you have a doula or good friend for the birth? And after the baby's arrival can you call on friends and family?

It was very rough for me, the first several months of ds' life, and I feel much more aware of how to prepare ahead of time with this birth. I wanted to be taken care of last time, but didn't know how to ask for it. Now I am asking for it, and it is very hard for me to do, but I can feel it is so important.

[momto3boys]

My husband was awful during Bradley.We were planning on a homebirth or birth center. He was so bad that he would yell at me on the way to Bradley classes(we had to drive 30 min). He would tell me what a waste of time this was. He drives in traffic and would constantly tell me he "drives enough. He shouldn't have to get in the car and drive after he gets home." He was an absolutely ass. I cried every week. I started getting VERY depressed during month 7. I contemplated adoption and even called a few agencies. I was so depressed I didn't even know myself and hated him because of his attitude. It always amazed me that he was never late for a meeting or could drive 1 1/2 to meet someone for golf, but a 30 min drive for a fews weeks of his life could kill him. He is just narcissitic and I still am angry over it.

My water broke and instead of calling the midwife I called the hospital. I went in at a 6 ,told him to get some breakfast and while he was gone I got an epidural. I failed so miserably because I was so angry. I hated him. I knew he would not be there for me. I just moved and had no friends or family near. Instead of relying on him. I relied on myself. Having a terrible experience with Bradley b/c of his attitude toward me and the baby I knew I would never get through this naturally. I made him leave to make the decision myself. He hadn't made any decision so far, I wasn't going to let him tell me how to give birth now. I had no faith in him. He slept through most of it. I puked and had seizures b/c of the drugs. I will never forgive him for this.

I am due in Aug. with our next baby. I told him I was pregnant. He was very excited. I said,"I'll need $3400 for a midwife. I'll be having the baby at home. If you would like to be involved,great, if not I will rely on someone else." He has been great. Completely different. Instead of taking classes with a group we are having privates in our home. When it's convenient for him of course. Narcissism doesn't flee easily. He loves and completely trusts our midwife. And is more understanding of the process and occasional aches for me. I am also having a close friend who is a massage therapist come to the class and be there during the birth. This has been a completely different preg. I love it. I have no depression. I want to be eternally pregnant. I'm sure in 8 weeks I won't be saying this.

Anyway, I totally understand not having an attentive husband.

I would see if he would like to have a private at your home. Maybe he would be able to verbalize his fears without being around other people. She may also be able to ask about his fears in a different manner and get him to realize them and get on with it. My husband now totally understands birth and after being "involved" with a birth is very excited about this next birth.And ready to be hands on. But I do have a backup just in case.

[sohj]

I'm going to be another "voice of dissent".

Initially, I did not want him there. Then I decided it should be his decision (I thought I was being generous and not so mean). Well, he was there, and he made it a whole lot worse. My original instincts were right. He most definately did not step up to the plate.

In fact, because of how he behaved during the birth and a couple of other things since, I have refused to be intimate with him and told him he has to have therapy. And now we are in marriage counselling. I also would never consider having another child with him.

It is YOUR birth. Make sure that everyone around you is there for you and nothing else.

edited to remove a useless subordinate clause.