For those of you who don't know, my dd's father died about 15 months ago. He was completely estranged from us and she never knew him, hadn't seen him since her first year of life.
I have always been honest in a loving and age appropriate way about the reasons he was not a part of our life (untreated severe mental health issues, severe addiction issues, etc) but I never spoke ill of him and I always heard and validated her hopes that he would choose to work at becomming well and be a part of her life. When he died, that hope died and the realization and grief that she would never know her father in any way entered.
I spoke at length a number of times with a child grief counselor prior to and after telling dd of her father's death. She gave me a lot of useful advice and tips about helping her and explaining to me about how children grieve, what was healthy and normal. She said that she would grieve in waves because children cannot mire themselves in grief the way that adults do when they experience a loss. She said it would be perfectly normal for dd to go along feeling fine, then totally break down and then be fine moments later. That's basically how it's gone, with more time in between break downs as more time has passed (the last time was atleast six weeks ago). She cries, she is wonderful at verbalizing that she's feeling sad, that she misses him (even though she never met him, she misses the idea of him and the possibilities that will never be realized), that she hates that she will never know him and never have a dad the way so many of her friends do, etc... But then she moves on and overall she is a very happy, loving, smiling, laughing, playful, affectionate girl.
Last night she had a really intense wave of guilt. I feel very sure that I did and said all of the right things, in terms of comforting her, letting her say what she needed to say and feel what she was feeling without ever diminishing, negating or invalidating anything she was feeling. In these instances, I always allow her to guide the conversation and I try to say and ask very neutral things and to not project on to her what I might be feeling.
But my heart is hurting so much right now, like worse than any romantic heartbreak, worse than any tragedy that I've experienced (and I've experienced a few) because she told me this:
"No matter how much you love me or how many other people love me, I'm never going to have enough love in my life because my dad's not here to love me. Sometimes I wish I didn't even exist."
I know she was feeling an immense wave of pain when she said this. I truly don't believe her to be suicidal or anything; I think it was the words she chose to express how very awful she was feeling. I know this on an intellectual and instinctual level. As a mama, it was the worst thing in the world to hear your baby say.
I held her for a very long time, rocked her, kissed her, breathed with her. I acknowledged the empty place that her dad's death created and how very sad and painful that is.
After she was calm and seemed ready to move on from the conversation, I gently told her how much I love her and how very many people they are in her life who love her (our lives are abundant in love from myriads of wonderful friends and family members.. we are both very, very loved) and that we all send her love every time we think of her. I asked her what she thought might help her to feel more loved. She said it would help to hear it more often from more people.
I also told her that I wouldn't know how to exist if she didn't exist, to which she replied, "Mom, if I never existed you wouldn't know to miss me." (my dd has a pronounced ability to out logic me since she could first speak
).
She went to get her pajamas on and I made a big sign that reads, "YOU ARE LOVED" with hearts all over it. I gave it to her and she loved it. She said she wanted to hang it up by her bed so she could see it when she falls asleep and when she wakes up in the morning. So that's what we did. I asked her at that point how she was feeling and she said "much better" and she went to sleep easily and woke up happy this morning.
Oh mamas! It's just so hard. I can't fix this for her. I can't un-dead her father. I can't make this better and it hurts her so deeply and it hurts me so deeply. It's a pain I can't even fathom. I grew up with both of my parents in the home and they are both loving, involved parents.
And to think that even for a moment she doesn't feel loved enough... it devastates me and makes me feel so completely helpless and inadequate. I feel like I did well by her last night, but at the same time I feel like there is a part of her that is broken that I will never be able to mend.. no matter how good of a mama I am, no matter how much I love her and surround her with positive loving people it might not be enough.
I need a hug.
I have always been honest in a loving and age appropriate way about the reasons he was not a part of our life (untreated severe mental health issues, severe addiction issues, etc) but I never spoke ill of him and I always heard and validated her hopes that he would choose to work at becomming well and be a part of her life. When he died, that hope died and the realization and grief that she would never know her father in any way entered.
I spoke at length a number of times with a child grief counselor prior to and after telling dd of her father's death. She gave me a lot of useful advice and tips about helping her and explaining to me about how children grieve, what was healthy and normal. She said that she would grieve in waves because children cannot mire themselves in grief the way that adults do when they experience a loss. She said it would be perfectly normal for dd to go along feeling fine, then totally break down and then be fine moments later. That's basically how it's gone, with more time in between break downs as more time has passed (the last time was atleast six weeks ago). She cries, she is wonderful at verbalizing that she's feeling sad, that she misses him (even though she never met him, she misses the idea of him and the possibilities that will never be realized), that she hates that she will never know him and never have a dad the way so many of her friends do, etc... But then she moves on and overall she is a very happy, loving, smiling, laughing, playful, affectionate girl.
Last night she had a really intense wave of guilt. I feel very sure that I did and said all of the right things, in terms of comforting her, letting her say what she needed to say and feel what she was feeling without ever diminishing, negating or invalidating anything she was feeling. In these instances, I always allow her to guide the conversation and I try to say and ask very neutral things and to not project on to her what I might be feeling.
But my heart is hurting so much right now, like worse than any romantic heartbreak, worse than any tragedy that I've experienced (and I've experienced a few) because she told me this:
"No matter how much you love me or how many other people love me, I'm never going to have enough love in my life because my dad's not here to love me. Sometimes I wish I didn't even exist."
I know she was feeling an immense wave of pain when she said this. I truly don't believe her to be suicidal or anything; I think it was the words she chose to express how very awful she was feeling. I know this on an intellectual and instinctual level. As a mama, it was the worst thing in the world to hear your baby say.
I held her for a very long time, rocked her, kissed her, breathed with her. I acknowledged the empty place that her dad's death created and how very sad and painful that is.
After she was calm and seemed ready to move on from the conversation, I gently told her how much I love her and how very many people they are in her life who love her (our lives are abundant in love from myriads of wonderful friends and family members.. we are both very, very loved) and that we all send her love every time we think of her. I asked her what she thought might help her to feel more loved. She said it would help to hear it more often from more people.
I also told her that I wouldn't know how to exist if she didn't exist, to which she replied, "Mom, if I never existed you wouldn't know to miss me." (my dd has a pronounced ability to out logic me since she could first speak
).She went to get her pajamas on and I made a big sign that reads, "YOU ARE LOVED" with hearts all over it. I gave it to her and she loved it. She said she wanted to hang it up by her bed so she could see it when she falls asleep and when she wakes up in the morning. So that's what we did. I asked her at that point how she was feeling and she said "much better" and she went to sleep easily and woke up happy this morning.
Oh mamas! It's just so hard. I can't fix this for her. I can't un-dead her father. I can't make this better and it hurts her so deeply and it hurts me so deeply. It's a pain I can't even fathom. I grew up with both of my parents in the home and they are both loving, involved parents.
And to think that even for a moment she doesn't feel loved enough... it devastates me and makes me feel so completely helpless and inadequate. I feel like I did well by her last night, but at the same time I feel like there is a part of her that is broken that I will never be able to mend.. no matter how good of a mama I am, no matter how much I love her and surround her with positive loving people it might not be enough.
I need a hug.
wish it was real.
