Young Moms who didn't plan their kids (current and former members) - Page 2

[stacey0402]

Well, it does get better. We are an Air Force family, so I assume your husband is stationed at DM...right? Well, we were broke until dh made TSgt and became a recruiter (thank goodness for incentive pay). He's been in almost 10 years and things are just now getting comfortable.

About 5 years ago I looked at our situatuion and realized that the only way out was for me to get my education. At the time we lived in Flagstaff and I went to NAU. We moved into Family Housing (rent and every possible utility was a whopping $600/mo) and I applied to be a Resident Assistant. That made rent free and gave us a generous meal plan on campus. My girls were not in daycare for more than a few hours a week. I worked my class schedule around dh's work and dd1's school. We sacrificed a lot in order or me to go to school and make life more comfortable. I graduate in a few months and I have never been more proud of myself. I know I'll cry when I walk to get that diploma.

I did it for my kids, I did it for the future of my family. When I start working we will double our income and put money into savings for retirement and our children to go to college. That's all I really worry about these days.

I am originally from Tucson, so I cannot say enough good things about Pima Community College or the UofA. Because you have 2 kids and your income is modest you'll likely go to school for free and may even end up with extra grant money for books or whatever you want to use if for. I think many of the Pima campuses even have daycare on campus. They probably offer classes on-base too. See if your husband can transfer his GI Bill benefits to you. Check out www.gibill.va.gov

On the topic of living outside your means: Yes, it does come back around to bite you in the a$$...and not when you are old and grey, like in a few years. We knew people when we lived on base that were SrA driving Land Cruisers and always wearing the nicest clothes. So many of them ended up with serious financial problems. Don't do it, it is not worth it. Stop using credit cards.

So that's my advice...go to school. Don't get sucked into "quick" certificate programs. You rarely make the kind of money you thought you would or you end up doing something you never really wanted to do.

[One Art]

I haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to briefly say that yes, it does get better. I had my first dd, unplanned, at 21. I am still not done with college, though dh finished his and now has a steady job. We still live paycheck to paycheck, but we don't have to crimp as much as we did when dh was still in school... and when he was, we were really saved by food stamps... also, I see you live in Tucson, but never having been there I don't know what the public transportation is like.... could you manage with one car? That's one thing that we never could've handled financially, two cars! Before I had dd, dh used the car mostly, but now I use it mostly and he rides his bike to work.... maybe if the public transportation is useful and an option you could cut some costs there? Anyway, I totally sympathize, and yes, it does get better! (and I'm hoping it will continue to get better, even for myself!)

[caiesmommy]

Think of all the positive things you have and would like to have..ie keep putting it out into the universe that you want a house you want whatever. Try to stop with the whatever you dont have! Its just bringing more negativity to you if you throw out positivity it will come back!!

Believe me its hard for us too!!!

Im living with my ds and dh with our inlaws!!! NOT FUN!!!! But it is making me a more understanding caring person and a strongerr mother

[kijip]

I second the idea that it gets better with an education, so long as the career goal is there in the end that pays somewhat decently. My husband and I are both students and aside from experience, the added education was a big contributing factor to the increased income we are now enjoying. And since my husband is on a professional school path (for pharmacy), we have the reasonable expectation that we will become even more secure $$ wise in a few years.

[kittywitty]

Honestly, in our experience, education does *not* make that big a difference.

[ravenna206]

Keep your chin up and realize you are working towards a goal and when you get there you are going to be happy that you did it! My dh and I married 1 year before we graduated with our BFA's. I was pregnant before I got my diploma. We lived with his parent's 2 yrs, it's tough having 2 alpha females under 1 roof. He worked FT nights and FT graduate degree in metalsmithing. We got involved in a housing program, it was wonderful, it had free money management classes, plus we qualified for free HUD money. Not a lot but enough to make our down payment not so huge. We dh, realized that he couldn't teach unless we moved out of state. Silly art colleges will not hire anyone who got their degree in that state. So back to school for his teaching certificate! I worked many pt jobs. Plus with him working nights someone was always home. Maybe not fully conscious but home. He had his own business, and we sold many things on ebay. At one point I had a job working at a kids discount clothing store. We would get Stride Rite shoes in huge shipments. I would buy 40 pairs of shoes and sell them on ebay. What I didn't sell I returned. I almost always tripled my money! Finally he found his teaching job in state this was 5 years ago. Near the historic place that inspires his metalwork. I worked PT till 1 yr ago, I had a one year old and just couldn't bear to away for so long. The 2nd house we bought had an apartment so I could quit. Yes it's been hard but I realize if I didn't have a goal to work towards, it wouldn't have been as worth it. I also try to find ways to cut costs, and I make it a game for myself to see if I can do better. I buy bulk organic, like dried grains. 50lb bags, and break them down into plastic bags and freeze them. Also I don't go higher than 60-63 for heating my house. We wear long underwear under everything. I only heat the house to shower. I bake my own bread, and never eat out. Also I dry my clothes on lines inside the house in the winter. I save at least $100 a month by doing this!!! So there are ways to cut costs. Good luck, I'm sure you will reach your goal. We've been working at ours for 11 years.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by dhinderliter

We don't have a lot left every month after normal bills and food. We are getting a new car but mine is so cramped with 2 it seems more expensive to keep it than get one that (if we stay here for a while) we can run into the ground. I look at my budget all the time and there is NOTHING we can cut without us going crazy (read: cable, internet and cells which are our only phones). I don't even UNDERSTAND how poeple save $10000 for a down payment on a house. We scrape to save $100/month (which we are only now starting to do). We have ZERO savings.

If only one of you is a military member it's harder but you can work it. You should definately make an appointment with the financial advisor at the Family Support Center. You should also apply for WIC; dh and I got WIC when we BOTH were E-4s. You could also do casual childcare and work to be a base certified one. As someone already mentioned you do not need a downpayment with a VA home loan.

My ILs started out like you (and in AZ!), and ate speghetti three meals a day when FIL was a poor airman. MIL joined the AF too but separated after she had dh (with whom she was pregnant in basic training- oops!). MIL went to work for AAFES for years, and shortly before FIL retired she obtained a GS position. Dh says that they struggled (not spaghetti struggled, but still struggled) until he and his sister left and only his little brother remained. FIL is now retired and working a civilian job. They are quite comfortable now.

[katheek77]

I'm 30 (29 w/our first, and DH was 25 when she was born), and we planned it, so, I can't comment on that part, but.....

My mom was 21 and 2 days when she had me. She had my sister 2 1/2 years later. She was a SAHM until I was about 8. I never knew we weren't living 'High on the hog". Heck, as far as I knew, we were rich. My dad started in the mail room of an electric company, and worked his way up to supervisor (think 100,000+ year salary) when I was in high school.

Your husband's in the military (I saw something about the star card)? OK...well, so's mine. He's nine years in April. We live very comfortably right now. We're going to buy a house at our next station. Mind you, we only got married in June '05, but in that time, we've socked away 15,000 in mutuals, 7,000+ in savings, always have 2,000+ in checking (AFTER all bills/groceries/splurges are paid), and max out the IRA each year. He bought a new (ish) jeep last year...half down (9,000), and I paid off the rest in six months. I make 600-800/month, so, you can see the money's from his salary.

Now, for perspective: I've also lived on 752 dollars a month, and been perfectly happy. I didn't know I was "not rich" because I loved what I did (taught on an Indian res), had what I wanted (er...books), and didn't miss what I didn't (no tv, no computer, no car). Is it hard? I guess...maybe, for the first couple months. But, really, I grew used to it.

Things almost always get better. Esp. if you're not extravagent. We never use our credit cards. If we can't pay for it, we don't buy it. And, for the year we lived together before marriage (so, literally, less than two years ago), we didn't have the following (his ex cleaned the place out...literally):
A) a bed...we slept on the futon.
B) silverware. Ok, there were LITERALLY two forks and a knife in the house. We never ate soup.
C) A kitchen table...tv trays, baby
D) Speaking of...tv...there was one, but there was no cable coming in. Movie Gallery was our friend, though.
E). Fine! No furniture besides: a computer desk, aforementioned futon, and an end table. I'm dead serious. Our thinking was, eh, we don't NEED it. I had my clothes in a plastic container.
F) A vacuum, dishes (ok, I DID buy some at Salvation Army when I got tired of having to wash dishes as soon as we ate...), curtains, bedding (no bed, who needs sheets?), blahblahblah.

You CAN live with the bare minimum, and you'd be AMAZED what happens when you do. My ex was horrible, and came into the relationship with 10,000+ debt, which I knocked down to zero in 8 months by being a prick about spending. It can be done. I know it's harder with kids, b/c you want the best for them. We are very comfortable right now, but I buy for our DD at the thrift stores, take hand me downs, freecycle, etc. I figure, I'd rather have her wear "worn twice" clothing now than struggle to pay for college or our retirement later.

For the record, we now have a bedroom set AND a dining table. Oooooh. Aaaaah.

Yes, I did the Vanna when it was delivered.

[annethcz]

It got better for us. I was married at 21, pregnant at 22 and had my first baby at 23. I was a little older than you, and we did start in different circumstances.

We did buy our first home at the same time as we got married. At that time, we were able to find a cheap townhome to buy. But I was in grad school and finances were really tight. For us, it has gotten much better as time as gone by. The biggest difference is that DH has been able to move up in his job. He started as a clerk, and now 8 years later he is an IT professional. It was hard for a few years, but it has gotten much easier as DH has moved up in his company.

[crazyeight]

Originally Posted by emilyrose

I haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to briefly say that yes, it does get better. I had my first dd, unplanned, at 21. I am still not done with college, though dh finished his and now has a steady job. We still live paycheck to paycheck, but we don't have to crimp as much as we did when dh was still in school... and when he was, we were really saved by food stamps... also, I see you live in Tucson, but never having been there I don't know what the public transportation is like.... could you manage with one car? That's one thing that we never could've handled financially, two cars! Before I had dd, dh used the car mostly, but now I use it mostly and he rides his bike to work.... maybe if the public transportation is useful and an option you could cut some costs there? Anyway, I totally sympathize, and yes, it does get better! (and I'm hoping it will continue to get better, even for myself!)

we have public transit but i don't see how anyone with 2 kids does it. plus we live on base and would have to walk off base in order to use it. i am spoiled with having my own vehicle and dh has a camaro which will not hold both kids nor will it suffice as a family vehicle and i know he won't give it up. we do totally live paycheck to paycheck but we have enough that we aren't in ALOT of debt...just our car payments.

Originally Posted by stacey0402

Well, it does get better. We are an Air Force family, so I assume your husband is stationed at DM...right? Well, we were broke until dh made TSgt and became a recruiter (thank goodness for incentive pay). He's been in almost 10 years and things are just now getting comfortable.

About 5 years ago I looked at our situatuion and realized that the only way out was for me to get my education. At the time we lived in Flagstaff and I went to NAU. We moved into Family Housing (rent and every possible utility was a whopping $600/mo) and I applied to be a Resident Assistant. That made rent free and gave us a generous meal plan on campus. My girls were not in daycare for more than a few hours a week. I worked my class schedule around dh's work and dd1's school. We sacrificed a lot in order or me to go to school and make life more comfortable. I graduate in a few months and I have never been more proud of myself. I know I'll cry when I walk to get that diploma.

I did it for my kids, I did it for the future of my family. When I start working we will double our income and put money into savings for retirement and our children to go to college. That's all I really worry about these days.

I am originally from Tucson, so I cannot say enough good things about Pima Community College or the UofA. Because you have 2 kids and your income is modest you'll likely go to school for free and may even end up with extra grant money for books or whatever you want to use if for. I think many of the Pima campuses even have daycare on campus. They probably offer classes on-base too. See if your husband can transfer his GI Bill benefits to you. Check out www.gibill.va.gov

On the topic of living outside your means: Yes, it does come back around to bite you in the a$$...and not when you are old and grey, like in a few years. We knew people when we lived on base that were SrA driving Land Cruisers and always wearing the nicest clothes. So many of them ended up with serious financial problems. Don't do it, it is not worth it. Stop using credit cards.

So that's my advice...go to school. Don't get sucked into "quick" certificate programs. You rarely make the kind of money you thought you would or you end up doing something you never really wanted to do.

argh i had this post all typed and then it dissapeared.
i will try to remember most of what i said but i am usually fried by this time of night.

dh scored high enough on his tests so he is getting promoted to S sgt. but it will be in Sept or so before he finally sews on. course that comes with a raise, raise in BAH, and then a raise in jan. hes actually done very well and gets about 3 raises/yr so far. with the next 2 raises or so we are trying to sock it away so we don't see it (i hope)

can you tell me more about the family houseing and resident assistant? i am guessing that the housing isn't great and i know that dh wants something quiet and a garage (his only demands but even takeing the extra money for a while to make a grand or 2 for a down payment would help.

work: i do gpt work but can't find much lately i made a whopping $200 this month (which will pay off credit cards and get us off life support). i am also considering getting licesned for on base "day care" for one child or one persons kids but i like to be able to go to playgroup, shopping and appts so i would have to take the child with me sometimes which also means i will have to have my new car in order for this to be possible. which actually is a good idea. buy the new car for our current per month payment watch one or 2 kids full time and pay off the car in 2 years (if i watch kids all the time). good idea. the gibill website just says that every branch is different for transferring benefits so who do i ask about that? i do really want to go back to school but i am not sure for what. i know that i want to continue to sahm or wahm or part time wohm (if i like the job) until both kids are in school so i want to pick a career that i can do that with. i have always been interested in accounting, or a math degree or business or mortgage or something like that.

i really need to go to another "welcome to base....." intro as i have no idea what all these places do and what kind of benefits i can get. we had only been married 2 weeks and we had a 4 week old when i went to one of the introductions so suffice it to say i didn't retain alot.

we are on WIC right now but really the only things we would ever buy is the milk (just some of it not all 9 gallons!!), the cheese and a teensy bit of juice (we have a HUGE stockpile right now!!). we only barely do qualify for food stamps when i entered all the info online. i guess though that $50 would help and i should go ahead and apply. i just hate going all the way down there with both kids, wait forever and then have them tell me i don't qualify cause we have 2 cars or something like that. :

Katheek: you are my inspiration! thats great that you guys have that much. we have been married 2 1/2 years so its also a new marriage though i've known him all my life. i hope that when we make tech we can save that much and be able to get what we want and need and feel safe for retirement (which will be by the time dh is 40 or 50)

ravenna: i would love to sell stuff on ebay or even the net or something i just have problems finding stuff that SELLS. my stuff is not worth anything and i don't work anywhere. any ideas or wholesalers or stride rite friends?

i know that we need goals. i just have no where to start. since we don't have any money to save (much) yet so i don't know what to do about that. i want to save for retirement, savings for emergencys/big items, mutual funds, dabble in the stock market...i could go on and on. i have very little info about these though and i don't know where to start.

ok i am done...my mind is gone.

[Shirelle]

I didn't read all the replies, but I wanted to respond to the OP. I've walked in your shoes. I do know what that is like.

Dh and I got married when he was 21 and I was 19. Our first child came very unexpectedly, 11 months later. It was ROUGH. We were both still kids, still in school, and now we had to care for this tiny, helpless person and we had no money to do it with! We made a lot of bad decisions with money. Thank goodness we were on WIC at the time, so at least we had SOMETHING to eat. My husband worked retail to get through school, and we were lucky to bring in $1400 a month. We lived in a one bedroom apartment and shared a car for a very long time. I joined a moms group and I was clearly the youngest and poorest of the bunch. It was hard. It was embarassing at times. I didn't exactly offer to host the playdates! Then we moved into this run-down, rented mobile home....I think that was even worse than the apartment! I really isolated myself after that because I was so embarassed about how we lived. I didn't even want family to see us living like that.

We also racked up thousands and thousands in debts....credit cards, student loans, high interest car loan, etc. We felt like someday, when we got our degrees, we'd have PLENTY of money to pay it all off. We were wrong about that. It takes many years to dig out of that.

But it did get better. Dh finished school and is now a teacher. I'll be 25 and dh will be 27 this year. We started aggressively paying off our debts last year using the Dave Ramsey plan, and now we are really making headway. I'm in the process of finishing my degree. And I've learned a few things since I had my first baby. I'm really tough. I don't NEED all that crap to make me feel better about myself anymore. I could buy a lot of stuff right now if I wanted to, but I know that it doesn't matter. If I went out and bought expensive clothes and toys for them, it would be for ME not for THEM.

We don't make a ton of money right now, either....but to us (after living on so little) it makes us feel very grateful. It feels like a luxury just to be able to pay every bill and buy food and not worry about not being able to buy necessities.

We do still rent, but we have a small place with three bedrooms/2baths that is pretty inexpensive, but nice. I don't mind inviting people over anymore!

I would tell you to try to still live within your means. Do a written budget every month. Try to avoid accruing more debt if you can. I could go back and kick myself for how we abused credit.