Moms with one "high need" and one "non-high need" what's the difference?

[saraann]

I have a "high need" daughter, she is my only child, for now anyway. She is my first so I have no idea what having a "non-high need" baby is like. Sometimes I wonder if all babies are high need, but then I meet moms whose babies are really mellow, and easygoing. So for moms who have at least one high need, and at least one non-high need, how different is it really?

Traits of high need infants (from the ask Dr. Sears website):
alert
intense
draining
demanding
cries impressively
loud
unconsolable
supersensitive

High need toddler:
high-touch busy
high-strung
exhausting
spunky
energetic
stubborn
impatient
strong-willed
obstinate
discerning
challenging
expressive
tantrum-prone
interesting
tender
huggable

High need teens:
enthusiastic
deep
passionate
resourceful
dominating
opinionated
determined
persistent
insightful
fair
sociable
compassionate
empathetic
caring
affectionate

[LuxPerpetua]

My daughter, 15 months, has always been high need as well. And, like you, she is my first so I have no idea what a non-high needs baby is like. I have never met another child like her EVER in my life, and I have known a LOT of babies. There is definitely a world of difference between an average needs baby and a high needs one: kind of like the difference between a kitty cat and a cheetah (my favorite analogy). I always wondered when dd was a newborn what "quiet alertness" was. I still don't know becuase if my child was awake she had to be held and bounced all day long or she would cry. She's also supersensitive to sounds and movement and has to be held through every nap still. She just needs more of everything. She is amazing, though, and I think her sensitivity and passion will serve her well as she grows older. I also think many gifted children are high needs. So, although I have no experience, just from observation I think non-high needs babies do exist. I'm hoping if we do have another that s/he will be mellower than dd. As much as I adore her, I can never go through this again.

[absinthe]

My 5 year old daughter is high needs, her 19 month old brother is not so much. The differences are pronounced. Perhaps for us the most easily noticable difference is that although we co-sleep my son can be laid in our bed by himself at about 9 and he will sleep like a log until we go to bed. My daughter needed to be both held and rocked in order to sleep. She would wake up within ten minutes of being put down. I spent the first eighteen months of her life sleeping with her in a rocking recliner.
He is much more easy going overall. In every way. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything but her brother is definately easier.

[becoming]

VERY different. My kids are like night and day, honestly.

My DS (5) is super emotional, moody, temperamental, insanely curious, sensitive, and just plain intense about 99% of the time. He needs more more more all the time (more details, more food, more snuggles, more activity). From the time he was a tiny baby, we have pretty much had to jump through hoops to make him happy. You didn't just get an easy smile out of him, even as an infant -- you had to work for it. He's the same way to this day, and it is really a challenge to be his mother sometimes. But, on the flip side, he is brilliant, sensitive to others' needs, highly intuitive, and wise beyond his years. So there are good things about this "spirited" personality.

My DD is 17 months old and is the most laid-back, unscheduled, easygoing, happy child I have ever known. Everything is fun and hilarious to her, and she is happy doing pretty much anything. She can run around outside in the backyard for hours and be totally content.

There really is a HUGE difference, and I love them both so much in so many different ways.

[USAmma]

Yep, like night and day. When we go someplace, I can always count on my 6yo being the one who has a tantrum or is moody because she's tired or whatever. My 3yo can pretty much be counted on to hold her own. My 3yo was sleeping through the night (when her health allowed) from an early age and my 6yo still does not always sleep through the night. I can go on and on. They are both wonderful kids and I know that my 6yo's passions can one day be directed in a positive way and will serve her well in life. She's very self-motivated and strong-willed and stubborn, and I think she'll do great with whatever she puts her mind to. My 3yo is more mellow and will often give up and won't try things that I know she can do. So there are advantages to a strong-willed child.

[MommytoTwo]

My first is high-needs and my second is so NOT. It is DELIGHTFUL. HEAVENLY. I did not know babies could be relatively easy. That toddlers could be enjoyable!!! I have enjoyed her so much more than him. I know thats terrible - its not that I dont LOVE him, its that she is more ENJOYABLE to be around, kwim?

Only a mom of a high needs 1st baby can appreciate a 2nd not-high needs kid!!!! LOL



(now please just pray for me that #3 is more like #2 than #1!!!!!!!!!!)

[jdedmom]

My middle child (6) is a very intense child. He has Aspergers and ADHD. I have been know to say if he would have been my first child he would have been my last.: It's not entirely true but he is hard work. The emotions I have for this child is more intense too. Everything regarding him is more. I think I am closest to him out of all 3 boys because I am his advocate.

BTW my philosophy on having another was if I could deal with the middle child anything else would be easy.

[BedHead]

I have one high needs (my son, the middle child, who is 15 and has ADHD and ODD) and the other two aren't. Parenting him vs them is definitely a challenge, and the skill set needed is very different between them. Night and day, like someone else said, is a very apt description, and has been ever since before he was born, actually!

[snuggly mama]

Dd1 was a high-needs, spirited baby/toddler and has grown into a high-needs/spirited pre-teen. She needs MORE of everything. As a baby, she needed more stimulation, more time nursing, and had much more difficulty settling down in almost any situation. She was 11 months old when dh suggested we try for baby #2, and I told him he had to be kidding. Ds (baby #2) was a whole different kind of baby. He slept. He cuddled. He was perfectly content to hang out on his blanket and check things out. He was a velcro baby for sure, but as long as he was being held, he was fine.

Fast forward 10 years, and they are still night and day. Dd1 talks all the time, moves all the time, and is a complete drama queen. Ds can spend hours outside checking out the trees and bugs, or play in his room with his Legos. He responds quickly and easily to discipline, and absolutely hates being reprimanded. Dd1 is destined to be a lawyer or a senator -- she can and will attempt to negotiate every single rule.

It is amazing to me that two such incredibly different personalities can come from the same set of genes! (Oh, and baby #3, dd2, is just like her sister. Two spirited girls, and a laid-back boy)

[Swirly]

I just know how my high needs 13 month old sticks out like sore thumb at every event we go to for our AP group, and how she is so incredibly different than all the children on the playground. It is exhausting, draining, infuriating, and oftentimes embarrassing. Moms tell me how they use her as an example when their husbands or the grandparents complain about their own children being too needy/intense/active/whatever. They are like "oh, you have never seen Aurora..." My child is *that* child.

However, she is also incredibly interesting, very intense, extremely intelligent and verbal and never boring! I am always so proud of her and entertained by her (when I am not exhausted or fighting the urge to scream or cry).

I would never have another child though. This one has killed me.

[thorn]

Well I only have one, so I can't say how it will be different if #1 is not high needs. Interestingly enough if you look at the Dr. Sears lists, my DD was *not* a high needs baby. She was very laid back and easygoing as an infant - she did want to be held all the time and nurse a lot but I was fine with that, I have lots of carriers and I took many a lovely afternoon nap with her.

As a toddler though - whoa. I just tell everyone "she keeps me on my toes". She has almost every 'symptom' on the sears list, lol. She is passionate and stubborn and so individual. She also has a focus that is amazing for a 2 y.o., I know that she will do great things in life as long as we can direct her down the right paths in childhood.

[Mountaingirl3]

We have three. The first is average, but the second is so high needs that I felt like I had PTSD after her baby/toddlerhood. But, the third is so flexible and calm that he might as well be a new species. We can't believe how mellow and adjustable he is! Nothing bothers this guy, or if it does, he gets over it instead of escalating to hysteria.

I do have an especially tender heart for my high-needs dd. She gives intensely and bonds so physically with her wrestling hugs and forceful squeezes. She's loyal, able to live in the moment, and a free-thinker. She's learned so much about managing her overwhelming emotions, so she's way easier on the family.

[wendy1221]

Ds1 and ds3 are/were very high needs. On the spectrum, although I dind't know that until ds1 was 7. I figured it out earlier w/ ds3 b/c I know what to look for now. I thought ds1 was normal until I had #2, who was extremely mellow.

[RedWine]

Originally Posted by becoming

VERY different. My kids are like night and day, honestly.

My DS (5) is super emotional, moody, temperamental, insanely curious, sensitive, and just plain intense about 99% of the time. He needs more more more all the time (more details, more food, more snuggles, more activity). From the time he was a tiny baby, we have pretty much had to jump through hoops to make him happy. You didn't just get an easy smile out of him, even as an infant -- you had to work for it. He's the same way to this day, and it is really a challenge to be his mother sometimes. But, on the flip side, he is brilliant, sensitive to others' needs, highly intuitive, and wise beyond his years. So there are good things about this "spirited" personality.

My DD is 17 months old and is the most laid-back, unscheduled, easygoing, happy child I have ever known. Everything is fun and hilarious to her, and she is happy doing pretty much anything. She can run around outside in the backyard for hours and be totally content.

There really is a HUGE difference, and I love them both so much in so many different ways.

I could have written this post, except spirited dd1 is 4 and mellow dd2 is 2.

[teachma]

Originally Posted by USAmma

Yep, like night and day. When we go someplace, I can always count on my 6yo being the one who has a tantrum or is moody because she's tired or whatever. My 3yo can pretty much be counted on to hold her own.

Yes, I have the exact same situation here!

[sleet76]

My first is and always has been very intense. I couldn't figure out how to feed myself (a sandwich!) being home alone with her for the longest time--I had to always be carrying her with active bouncing and she needed to sleep on me. As a toddler, she was absolutely explosive with tantrums about mysterious things that I could never figure out. They could last an hour--inconsolable screaming, throwins, thrashing, and destroying. Now at almost 4, she is soo smart. She seems to have a need to feel a sense of control, and really knows how to work situations in ways that appeal to her. She's amazing in that way! She is also kind and compassionate, very intelligent, and has a super-long attention span (which is great when it is channeled toward good!). She is a very interesting person who is not always easy to be around.

My 2nd, a boy, is almost two. He is simply a joy to be around. He's funny and jolly, laid-back and happy. I remember spending the first few weeks of his life announcing to anyone around in a shocked tone, "so you really CAN sit a baby down!" and "did you see that?! He just fell asleep! By himself!". He is a great and easy sleeper, and sleeps a lot each day--still 15 hours in some days at nearly 2. He can entertain himself easily, loves to kiss and hug, and when he does get upset, and have a tantrum, it is simply cute. After dealing with marathon screaming tantrums with DD, a 30-second whine accompanied with a few leg kicks is just endearing. He has been a pleasure to have in the family--nearly all the time. The only thing that has been difficult with him was nothing with temperament, really. He was extremely early in his physical skills, and that was difficult. He was rolling everywhere by 12 weeks, crawling a week before 5 months, taking a few unassisted steps before 7 months, and running by 9.5 months. That was also exhausting, but in a physical way instead of a mental/emotionally draining way.

I am hoping #3 is a mellow guy, too! But I'd like him to be a jolly immobile lump for as long as is healthily possible!

[becoming]

Coming back to add something. I meant to mention that one of my biggest challenges in raising one spirited child and one mellow child is that I often find myself spending so much time and energy dealing with my spirited child, and I have to be really careful to remember that my DD (the mellow child) needs attention, too. Just because she doesn't SCREAM for attention like my DS, doesn't mean she doesn't need me just as much.

[MommytoTwo]

It is exhausting, draining, infuriating, and oftentimes embarrassing. Moms tell me how they use her as an example when their husbands or the grandparents complain about their own children being too needy/intense/active/whatever. They are like "oh, you have never seen Aurora..." My child is *that* child.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) I am totally with you there.

[dara00]

Originally Posted by saraann

High need toddler:
high-touch busy
high-strung
exhausting
spunky
energetic
stubborn
impatient
strong-willed
obstinate
discerning
challenging
expressive
tantrum-prone
interesting
tender
huggable

Thanks for the list, I've been trying to determine if my dd is high needs or just a typical 2 year old. I'd definitely say she is exhausting, stubborn, impatient, strong willed, challenging, expressive, tantrum prone, interesting, tender, and huggable! I'm expecting #2 and really interested to see how similar or different he will turn out to be! My dd was the type that you could never put down as an infant - I don't know how I'll take care of her if my ds is like that too!

[Kindermama]

Well, I had one super easy baby, then a high needs baby and then another super easy baby. (ds is my son through marriage)

I have two dds under 2 right now. The older one was by all means "high needs". The youngest one is a super easygoing baby.

My high needs baby was so fussy. She took forever to calm down. It seemed like she was always in a state of anxiety. She hated car rides and that was horrible in and of itself. I took Zoloft during my preg. and most of my nursing relationship with her and to be honest, I was horrible at remembering to take it so I really think that contributed alot to her moodiness. I wish I could do that all over again! Plus I was stressed. Now she is 24 months old and she is still the ruler of the house. She is so strong-willed and we often give into her to avoid full blown tantrums. Homeopathy has helped her alot though..she's more even-tempered under a homeopath's care than when not.

My easy-going baby is not fussy at all. She is general easy to please. She is easy to take care of and to take out of the house. She loves the car! She loves to be held and nursed of course but she is generally even tempered. There is a huge difference in their temperaments but in all honesty there is a huge difference in my temperament in mothering each of them. I've learned to relax and go with the flow more with my last (go figure!)