Feeling Stressed--Needing Support

[dharmamama]

This isn't necessarily adoption-related, but y'all are my Adoption Forum friends, so I decided to post here.

I don't generally like to complain about my life because it's the life I chose, but I am feeling very stressed and overwhelmed right now.

My oldest child started school six weeks ago. Dh told me that since he had to get up for work, he would take care of the morning routine and drive her to school. Recently I discovered that he has not been making sure she takes her medicine before she goes to school. I know of three times in the past month that she didn't take it (luckily, twice she remembered at the last moment and ran back into the house to get it). When I brought this up with dh, he acted all shocked that I actually expected him to make sure she took it. He told me that he doesn't know what Desta is up to in the mornings because he is getting ready for work. I rather icily told him that his daughter had HIV, that she is a CHILD, that he is an ADULT, and that it is UP TO HIM to make sure she takes her medicine or that I will have to get up and make sure. He said, "It just didn't occur to me. I don't know how to make things occur to me that don't." I said, "Well, I don't know either but you'd better start making sure they occur to you because it can't be solely my responsibility."

Today we had the exact same conversation about Desta's morning chore of unloading the dishwasher, which she has been forgetting to do recently. He again acted like I was expecting way too much of him to have him check to make sure she does it.

Desta also has Hep B and I am trying to coordinate treatment and meetings between the HIV doc and the Hep B doc, who want to work together but leave the logistics of actually doing so to me.

I also take Desta to counseling.

My middle child has been diagnosed with SID. We started occupational therapy yesterday. The OT gave us a series of exercises to do at home (a "sensory diet" to help with her vestibular issues and stimulation threshold levels). I am thrilled that there are things that will help her, but I kinda feel like these thing are just more in a long line of things I have to be responsible for. I am supposed to do these exercises with her 7 (seven!!) times a day. The therapist says she knows that 3 times a day is a reasonable goal. We will also be adding exercises for her auditory and visual issues in the coming weeks. This child is also gifted and extremely strong willed.

My youngest child has asthma and allergies so I have to make sure he takes two different meds during the day and that he gets nebulizer treatments as needed (right now usually twice a day). He hates them and he has to sit with his eyes closed because prolonged exposure to the aerosal chemicals can cause cataracts. I have to clean all the nebulizer stuff after each treatment. This is the same son who has hearing loss and needs speech therapy. We only got 20 visits last year (insurance limits) so this year we have to have a new eval and start over again. I'm having trouble finding a place that has space for him right now, so right now I am having to work with him at home (more than I do when he's actually in speech).

I take all the kids to all their medical appointments.

I can generally get through the days ok, but when I stop to think about how much I am actually having to do I start feeling resentful, not of my kids but of the fact that I have to be responsible for this (even though I chose to have my kids and I shouldn't feel resentful of taking care of them). But I feel like I am slowly being ground down by the weight of it all. I hate to whine but I really need some encouragement!

[Starr]

Big hugs mama

Is there any chance when DH is in a good mood or not stressed that you can gently bring up all the medical issues you have to do and let him know that you are feeling a little burned out. Maybe the two of you can work on a system or routine.

I'm not sure what meds Desta needs to take in the morning but could you get a pill sorter or organizer that lists the day and has the medicine in it? Also create a hcecklist of things to do or ask before actually leaving for work and school. Like make sure med case is empty and she took her pills, ask about this or that, coffee pot off- that kinda thing? We have a list by our door with little reminders so I don't forget things in the morning.

For Ramona's excercises can you practice with her so many times a day and have your Dh take on 2 lessons to help. You can point out that it would be a good way for him know how she is doing and what progress she is making.

The only thing I though of for Efram is when he does his treatments and has to close his eyes can you get him headphones and books on tape or something to listen to? Then only when he gets his treatments can he listen to it, it might make it easier on him.

I hope others have suggestions and you are able to talk to your DH. Take care.

[fenwickmama]

Holy crap, that's a lot to juggle, mama! s
pp had some great suggestions...

[Mom2lilpeeps]

I don't really have any great suggestions but I just want to offer support and acknowledge your feelings. It sounds like you need a moment to yourself to regroup. You can't be 'super mommy' all of the time. (I do think you are a Super Mom!) You have a lot on your plate right now and looking at it all at once can be mind boggling. Sitting down with your dh (like Starr said) during a quiet moment and talking about how you're feeling and how the TWO of you can work on the issues together is a good idea. I hope you feel better.
Please do take some quiet time just for you. Everyone needs you all of the time but it's hard to give so much of yourself unless you 'refill your own tank' so to speak. Blessings and positive vibes your way.

Peace

[Diane B]

You have been such a helpful poster here, I would like to also offer my support! One concept that has really helped my partner and me is to really be a team. Perhaps you need to have a team meeting with your husband to figure out how to get everything done; it sounds like there are some new variables in the picture, so the old way of splitting up tasks is falling short.

My partner is a pediatric OT and frequently recommends sensory diets for her clients. I think you should be honest with the therapist about what is realistic for your family. My understanding is that most of these changes are supposed to be incorporated into your day to day life, not be special "treatments" that take lots of extra time. (Unless you're on a short-term brushing program or something, but that should be fairly time-limited.)

Finally, can you get any help, aside from your husband? That's what saves us when things start to feel overwhelming, and it gives our daughter some fresh energy too. It doesn't even have to be a lot - a friend taking my daughter to the zoo; the neighbor girl coming by after school and playing outside for an hour; that sort of thing.

Best wishes -

[aja-belly]

[RedOakMomma]

Aww... your post hits so close to home in so many ways. We're also a family with lots of medical needs, special needs, vital meds, and dr. appointments--and like you, I'm usually the one that keeps it all together. The other week my dh "forgot" where one of my sons was on his titration schedule on one of his meds...we had a huge fight about it, because it makes me feel like I can't trust him to handle important (medical!!) tasks. And often, I'm so overwhelmed with it all, I NEED him to be able to take a few things off my plate.

Dh and I have been in therapy off and on for years. We call it "preventative maintenance." It's no shocker that families dealing with special needs or high medical needs are often the ones that fall apart...and we've definitely felt the pressures of it all in our marriage. Anyway, one of the things our therapist suggested was offering and accepting unconditional help--we call it "I need." When I say, and make a point of saying "honey, I need you to keep on top of this. It's very important to me," then my dh makes a commitment to follow through. Absolutely, every time, follow through. It's our way of telling each other what we need, what's important to us, and it's also a way of feeling safe that we'll be heard and respected. It's good for big stuff ("I need you to start helping more with therapy--I need you to do "X" every day after work") and little stuff "I need two hours to myself this weekend."

We're careful not to overuse it. I only use it once a week or so--and dh seems to use it even less. It's just been so helpful, to have a code word that helps dh know when I'm at a tipping point or feeling overwhelmed. And it's good to know that he feels the weight of carrying through with something. Up until we started using this phrase, I didn't trust that he heard me or really would follow through.

Are you guys in therapy? It's a personal choice, but given all the stress it might be something very helpful. Plus, it sounds like he needs to understand better what your responsibility load is like, and what carrying that much feels like. If he understood, he might be more caring and sympathetic. Plus, you might find ways of talking with him so that tasks become less about griping who's responsible and more about caring for each other.

Big, big s. You're carrying a lot. I remember once, a few years back, my father was trying to comfort me and he said, "honey, it won't always be like this." And I thought "YES....YES it will be." People don't understand how hard it is to carry so much every day, for years and years. You're an amazing person, and an amazing mama! Give yourself a pat on the back, and don't feel AT ALL bad about needing more support and help from your partner. If you work at it, it'll happen.

Good luck.

[clothcrazymom]

I'm exhausted just reading it!

I don't have much in the way of suggestions other than I would agree with trying to get some help. A mother's helper..something. Or maybe someone who can take on some of the work that you wouldn't need to be doing and that can lighten the load for you some.

One thing that has been helpful for me in the past was to sit down and actually write out every thing that needed to be done in the day/week and then go over that so that we both could see what was going on. While it was overwhelming to look at it...I realized - geeze no wonder I'm so worn out! Things have really become one sided. I had to take a step back and look at it more as a business/work type situation. We talked about our roles more and adjusted things - it helped a LOT. It may not mean that he does more, maybe it means someone else comes in to help or something. But just seeing it on paper - and it was quite a few sheets! I mean I listed out EVERYTHING was really a vaulable experience and exchange.

I know we all say how important it is to take care of ourselves...but it can be such a tough thing to do! I know you would do anything for your kiddos...taking care of their mom is VERY important. We have to be able to be replenished somewhere in life. And if our partners aren't helping with that - we need to find another way to do so.

Hugs to you! hmmm is there a nice quiet bath/massage smiley we could offer you??

[hawkeye]

I don't usually post on this forum, but I couldn't read and not reply. Hugs to you--you have a lot on your plate, and are a wonderful mama.
I have a suggestion for the nebulizer treatment--my little sister had these growing up. Could you get your son goggles or safety glasses to wear during the treatment? Then he could keep his eyes open, and if he likes wearing funky eyewear, he might even enjoy it. I also like the suggestion of getting him a special audiobook, or toy he can use only while using his treatments.
Good luck to you.

[pumpkingirl71]

I am so sorry things are so hard right now. I hope writing it all down made you feel validated. We were exhausted parenting our two, but kind of thought it was because we are lazy Then we had to make a list of medical commitments for dss. After looking at the list, we were impressed with ourselves felt like we deserved to be tired!

Dd has sensory issues too. In the end we gave up on her sensory diet and just try to be good parents, exposing her to as many sensory activities as we can without making it a big deal.

I hope things get better soon

[queencarr]

First of all, you are doing an incredible job keeping up with everything, even if it feels like it's all about to crash. When he received SSI, I had to list out a schedule for the judge, and I was amazed at how much it added up--over 40 hours a week, plus normal family stuff, and he didn't sleep longer than 1 1/2 hrs at a time until he was 3. Ds1 is no longer in any therapies--he finally graduated out, yea!--but there was a time when we had 4-5 different appts per week for him plus a home program. I am not sure it would work as you have multiple kiddos, and we only had one at the time, but I tried to schedule "down time" for me during these appts. I carried a book or magazine--fun only, no medical ro therapy related, purely fluff!--with me that I only read during therapy times, and sometimes I would use those times as an opportuty to run by the nearest grocery store and do a 20 minute trip so that I didn't have to do it later. As far as meds, I second the idea of a pill organizer. I use them when we are going through high med times. I have also used a marker board, and we check off things as we go, and erase at the end of the night. The goggles idea from a PP is a great idea. We only have to do neb treatments wehn ds1 is sick, so I haven't worried too much about it. we also did a sensory diet. Except for when we did an intensive short term brushing protocol, we incorporated most of it into our regular lives--during meal times, bath times, play times, that kind of thing. We made sure that he always had access to sensory toys, and he would incorporate it himself.

I really hope that you can sit down and talk with your dh when things are calm--even if you have to get a babsitter or friend to come watch the kids while you catch up. Are all your your kids school age---I am drawing a blank and can't remember. Dh and I used to meet for lunch as our catch up time to talk about these kind of things while ds 1 was in school (before ds2 came home). It was a good way for us to have a set start and end time for sometimes difficult discussions, and not having the mind the kids during this time allowed us to pay attention 100% to what the other was saying. You are doing an incredible amount of stuff, and just the mental stress of keeping it all together is a lot, besides actually making it happen. If I can help you somehow, please let me know.

[blessed]

I was feeling put out over having to persuade dd to brush her teeth every morning .

Or to use her nebulizer. Are you really supposed to clean it after every use : ?

Man, what a weary load. It's not what you have to do that is so exhausting. It's having to coerce, propel, persuade, convince, motivate, inspire other people, right? If you could just pop those damned pill yourself, or empty that dishwasher it would be one fiftieth of the work.

You're doing a great job. I hope things look a little brighter for you in the morning .

[Authentic_Mother]

Originally Posted by dharmamama

This isn't necessarily adoption-related, but y'all are my Adoption Forum friends, so I decided to post here.

I don't generally like to complain about my life because it's the life I chose, but I am feeling very stressed and overwhelmed right now.

My oldest child started school six weeks ago. Dh told me that since he had to get up for work, he would take care of the morning routine and drive her to school. Recently I discovered that he has not been making sure she takes her medicine before she goes to school. I know of three times in the past month that she didn't take it (luckily, twice she remembered at the last moment and ran back into the house to get it). When I brought this up with dh, he acted all shocked that I actually expected him to make sure she took it. He told me that he doesn't know what Desta is up to in the mornings because he is getting ready for work. I rather icily told him that his daughter had HIV, that she is a CHILD, that he is an ADULT, and that it is UP TO HIM to make sure she takes her medicine or that I will have to get up and make sure. He said, "It just didn't occur to me. I don't know how to make things occur to me that don't." I said, "Well, I don't know either but you'd better start making sure they occur to you because it can't be solely my responsibility."

Today we had the exact same conversation about Desta's morning chore of unloading the dishwasher, which she has been forgetting to do recently. He again acted like I was expecting way too much of him to have him check to make sure she does it.

Desta also has Hep B and I am trying to coordinate treatment and meetings between the HIV doc and the Hep B doc, who want to work together but leave the logistics of actually doing so to me.

I also take Desta to counseling.

My middle child has been diagnosed with SID. We started occupational therapy yesterday. The OT gave us a series of exercises to do at home (a "sensory diet" to help with her vestibular issues and stimulation threshold levels). I am thrilled that there are things that will help her, but I kinda feel like these thing are just more in a long line of things I have to be responsible for. I am supposed to do these exercises with her 7 (seven!!) times a day. The therapist says she knows that 3 times a day is a reasonable goal. We will also be adding exercises for her auditory and visual issues in the coming weeks. This child is also gifted and extremely strong willed.

My youngest child has asthma and allergies so I have to make sure he takes two different meds during the day and that he gets nebulizer treatments as needed (right now usually twice a day). He hates them and he has to sit with his eyes closed because prolonged exposure to the aerosal chemicals can cause cataracts. I have to clean all the nebulizer stuff after each treatment. This is the same son who has hearing loss and needs speech therapy. We only got 20 visits last year (insurance limits) so this year we have to have a new eval and start over again. I'm having trouble finding a place that has space for him right now, so right now I am having to work with him at home (more than I do when he's actually in speech).

I take all the kids to all their medical appointments.

I can generally get through the days ok, but when I stop to think about how much I am actually having to do I start feeling resentful, not of my kids but of the fact that I have to be responsible for this (even though I chose to have my kids and I shouldn't feel resentful of taking care of them). But I feel like I am slowly being ground down by the weight of it all. I hate to whine but I really need some encouragement!

Lots and Lots of s to you sweetie! Godbless you for taking on so much and loving these children so wholey. Hubby needs to be reminded that yall are partners, and that you are so thankful for his going to work and providing for yall, but that you also really find it, "sexy" when he helps you with the kids without reminding you. If that is true for you of course. I know I find it sexy when my man takes up some of the parenting tasks even when I dont ask him to....rawr....
Anywho, Goodluck with coordinating doctors, that sounds pretty rough in and of itself.
Im sending, "hubby do it" vibes your way!

[VegHipMama]

Whoa, Dharma! Of course you're exhausted and fried out. :

Originally Posted by clothcrazymom

One thing that has been helpful for me in the past was to sit down and actually write out every thing that needed to be done in the day/week and then go over that so that we both could see what was going on. While it was overwhelming to look at it...I realized - geeze no wonder I'm so worn out!

I completely agree. First, it will show you how hard you work. Second, it will show your DH how hard you work. I'll bet he doesn't have a clue how much time and energy all this adds up to. And finally, you'll have a checklist you can use to keep on top of things.

[queencarr]

I just thought of something else that might save you a few minutes, depending on how you are supposed to clean your neb kit. We are supposed to rinse ours in warm water, then soak in a 1 part vinegar to 3 part water solution for at least 30 minutes, then rinse it again. I keep a large gladware container of vinegar solution already mixed up and change it every day or two. So when we are done, I just rinse the pieces, then plop them in to soak. I leave them until the next time we need to do a treatment, then rinse, shake out, and they are ready to go. When ds1 was very little and we were doing treatments 2hr around the clock, I purchased multiple kits so that I could have several clean at a time, then disninfect them in large batches at the end of the day.

[dharmamama]

Thank you to everyone for your support and suggestions. I really appreciate it.

We do have a pill box for Desta and I do check it every morning when I get up (after she has already left for school). We are lucky that she remembers most of the time to take her medicine (although my point to dh was that, as a child, it's not her responsibility to remember). The one day I noticed that it had not been taken, I drove over to the school to give it to her. That's how I discovered that dh was not checking. Dh did decide that he would come up with a checklist and post it, but he hasn't done it yet.

(Unless you're on a short-term brushing program or something, but that should be fairly time-limited.)

We are doing brushing (as well as joint compression, spinning, and this exercise ball thing, and some weight-bearing stuff) but the OT didn't mention that it might be a short-term thing. She said brushing 7 times a day would be ideal, three is a good goal to shoot for. Thursday and yesterday I did four, and today so far I have done three, so I am hoping to make it five today. I hope that I can work up to 7.

We walked to the park last night (the kids rode their bikes) and I tried to talk to dh about all this, but it didn't go too well. Dh is very stressed out at work right now, and he is also trying to find a new job, and he is finishing up some freelance work that he took on to pay for the adoptions, so to him it feels like all his energy is going into supporting the family financially and then I pick on him to help me more. I feel like he takes for granted all that I do and doesn't really think about everything that has to be done to manage the house and kids, so all the responsibility for seeing that things run smoothly falls on me. Unfortunately, our discussion ended up as a "But you always ..." "Yea, well you always ..." thing that wasn't very productive. He accused me of being uptight and controlling and I accused him of being oblivious and too laid back. At least we recognized what we were doing and apologized to each other.

*sigh*

It's having to coerce, propel, persuade, convince, motivate, inspire other people, right?

That and having to REMEMBER to do these things ... and even have to realize in the first place that I need to remember to do them!

I am reading a book right now about a woman whose son has autism. She has a 40-hour-a-week in-home program for him staffed by all kinds of therapists, she has a daily babysitter, AND her son goes to preschool. (Btw, they also have a cabin in the mountains.) She spends a lot of time in the book whining about how hard it all is on her. I don't doubt that it is, but I find myself getting annoyed with her and thinking, "Good grief, lady, you have EIGHT PEOPLE helping you AND your son goes to preschool! Get over it!" :

Anyway, thanks for your kind words. My husband has three job possibilities, all of which would pay significantly more than he makes now. If he gets one of those jobs, I will actually have the cash to hire a babysitter/mother's helper! I was hoping that we would qualify for SSI for Desta (I heard that HIV+ kids automatically qualify) and that I would be able to hire some help with that money, but it turned out we made $150 too much each month ... regardless of that fact that $680 of that goes for health insurance. :

Ramona and Efram wanted matching sandals for the summer (and after we spent 45 minutes this morning digging two pussy splinters out of Efram's foot, we decided no more bare feet outside) so I went shopping for them. I had to go to FIVE STORES to find matching sandals in what I thought were the right sizes. Of course I get home and Efram's are too small ...