Need to vent about this "I FEEL like a single mother" - Page 2

[woo27ks]

Originally Posted by StrugglingMomX's2

It's sooooo much more than taking care of the kids alone and the managing of bills...it's the mental aspect of doing it all alone and not having anyone to share everything with(the good, the bad, and the ugly) that is what no married person can comprehend IMO.

Absolutely - it's not having anyone to share the weight of it.

[mamajama]

It really bothers me too.
I think for me it bothers me because it's usually in complaint-form. And that's kinda mean to us single moms who have gone through our share of heartache and headaches in order to get to a place that's smooth and working. Only to have someone throw it out there like it's *the worst thing in the world*.

I find it easier being single than I did when I was with my kids' dad. It took a lot of struggle for me to get to the place where I realize it. I understand what it's like to be burdened by an unsupportive co-parent. Boy do I EVER. But it is an entirely different experience than being a single parent. Not better, not necessarily worse, but very, very different.

ETA: It's like 'being a single mother' is the litmus test for how crappy your coparenting experience is. I feel more full and more capable than I ever did with my kids' dad.

[Lucy VanPelt]

Originally Posted by mamajama

It really bothers me too.
It's like 'being a single mother' is the litmus test for how crappy your coparenting experience is.

This sentiment I can completely understand and that could make it understandably offensive, IMO.

[awesomebirths]

Originally Posted by daniedb

When I feel bereft, the one thing I do think is, "Damn, how do single mothers do it? They must be Superwomen." Seriously. I have an incredible amount of respect for you who do, and my IRL friends who do it. I cannot imagine. I'm sorry that you felt angry, and I think you were justified in doing so. I just try to remember, when I get offended or angry, that people really don't think about the ramifications of what they say so often, and it was a statement born of ignorance more than anything.

You know....the "SUPERWOMAN" quote is one that I really, really hate. I have a friend who is divorced & remarried....granted, she only had one child when she was a sm, but I HATE it when she tells me that I'm superwoman. I'm not. I'm a mom just doing what she needs to do to get by.
I have 4 children, they have an absent father. what else is there to do except what needs to be done? that doesn't make me superwoman, but a mom...just like her and just like everyone else.

daniebd, I'm not jumping on you...: I just saw the superwoman phrase & it reminded me of how I really felt.

[Lucy VanPelt]

No offense to any of you, but I *am* Superwoman.

And, proud of it. LOL

(However, this super status is not directly linked to my singlemama-ness. I was super long before I was a mama.)

[mama40]

Hey now. I am Superwoman! Don't nobody argue with that. But then I was Superwoman while we were together, too. I was just a much less happy & together superhero.

Seriously, in all of this the one who's been the trouble -- from the start -- is the guy. The kid is a delight. God, distance is nice.

[daniedb]

Good to know! I'm glad you all were able to educate me, I can see your point, especially if you get it a lot. I'm wondering how to express support and admiration of a mother who is working full time, and parenting full time, without a co-parent, without sounding annoying or condescending. I don't feel jumped on at all, no worries, I'm actually glad you pointed it out.

It's like how my mom used to always make over biracial babies, or comment to a biracial couple (almost always white and Black) and talk about how beautifult their children would be, then on another message board, I saw a (Black) mom venting about how she was sick of people saying how beautiful her children's skin tone was, because it said to her that people were not focusing on their personality attributes, and being told that she and her (white) husband were good for breeding. It was offensive to her, and I immediately saw her point.

So, I'm glad to know that, and again, should I just keep my mouth shut, or is there a polite and inoffensive way to kinda just give a, "You go, mama! I'm supporting you and respect you!"

[mamajama]

Originally Posted by daniedb

or is there a polite and inoffensive way to kinda just give a, "You go, mama! I'm supporting you and respect you!"

Sounds good just like that!

[sandy from Toronto]

I guess it must depend on your cirucmstances, but I am actually finding single motherhood easier than when I was married and cohabitating with my child's father. The freedom to make my own decisions and be responsible for my own destiny is such a welcome improvement to the dysfunction and criticism I lived with when married that I can only celebrate my single motherhood and the courage it took to get the hell out of my crappy marriage.
I actually can't relate to the frustration you feel...but I can only think it highly depends on the individual circumstances and experiences of the mamas involved.

[Aliviasmom]

I totally understand what you are saying! That drives me crazy too!

[kittn]

Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt

When I was married, I used this think this sort of thing, but didn't say it out loud or on message boards, as far as I can recall.

HOWEVER, I'd like to say that it does not peeve me, b/c I've been there and I completely understand. It also doesn't peeve me b/c being a single mother is INFINITELY easier than being married was for me. I completely understand the sentiment and I have no problem with women saying that.

I thought the same way when I was married the first time. An honestly, it was harder being married: to the man then it was being single with just me and the kids. One less person to clean up for and one less person to make me feel guilty for what I didnt do.

[BrooklynDoula]

I am not a single mother, I have a very equal co-parenting situation so besides being raised by a single mother, I have zero personal experience with this. That said, I wanted to add to the list of phrases I find annoying to talk about single moms. I have friends who will say things like "I am doing the single mom thing" in reference to having their child alone for the whole day or the whole weekend or whatnot but who have an otherwise active co-parent. It bugs me, as though being a single mom could be reduced to how it feels to spend 24 hours or 48 hours or whatnot alone with your child (neglecting all the other finacial issues, emotional support, and regular parenting help that they don't have to deal with because they are not actually single mothers).

[MaWhit]

I hear this most often from wives with traveling husbands. Their DH is gone for a trip and they tell everyone that they are a single mom for a weekend/week/month. Life with traveling spouses clearly has it's own challenges, but when you know he plans to return and you get his income, then you aren't a single mom. I'm not saying either is harder or easier; I'm just saying they are not equivalent.

[calleo]

I'm just hijacking the thread for a second.

I am seven months pregnant, and my boyfriend of seven years just told me that he is leaving me(us?) for good. It isn't coming as a complete surprise, and the two of us are going to remain on good terms to the best of our ability, but I came on these message boards today to just read up on some of the single mamas' thoughts.

I find this thread so reassuring. So many of you have written that it's actually easier in some ways to go at this alone than in a bad relationship. While I wouldn't describe my relationship with my SO as toxic, it does have its flaws. So maybe once I get over sleeping alone and the other sadnesses, I'll come out on the other side and be thankful things have turned out this way.

Thanks mamas!

[TAC]

I used to say I understood what it was like to be a single mom. I was one of those guilty parties.... so sorry. I thought because I did everything myself that I truly understood. Ummmm, I was wrong. I guess I would just chalk up the comment to ignorance. Maybe just pat the person on the head, smile, and move along. Truth is they don't get it, and we could never ever explain single motherhood and the journey.

[Lucy VanPelt]

Originally Posted by MSAX

I have friends who will say things like "I am doing the single mom thing" in reference to having their child alone for the whole day or the whole weekend or whatnot but who have an otherwise active co-parent.

Now, see...that I would rear my head back at. That's pretty disgusting. I'd have to call a woman out for saying that crap. :

[EdnaMarie]

I was thinking it (DH works in another country) but you're right. I will stop thinking that now. So, that's one less idiotic thought to contend with for you.

[izandleo]

I have always been a single mother, so how am I supposed to "feel?" That is annoying! As if anyones (single or not) experience is the same anyway.

[mamajama]

Originally Posted by calleo

I'm just hijacking the thread for a second.

I am seven months pregnant, and my boyfriend of seven years just told me that he is leaving me(us?) for good. It isn't coming as a complete surprise, and the two of us are going to remain on good terms to the best of our ability, but I came on these message boards today to just read up on some of the single mamas' thoughts.

I find this thread so reassuring. So many of you have written that it's actually easier in some ways to go at this alone than in a bad relationship. While I wouldn't describe my relationship with my SO as toxic, it does have its flaws. So maybe once I get over sleeping alone and the other sadnesses, I'll come out on the other side and be thankful things have turned out this way.

Thanks mamas!

I'm really glad you found some reassurance here! It is such a challenging, rewarding, and unique journey.

(and you don't have to sleep alone if you snuggle up with your little baby )

[ButterflyStarburst]

This phrase bothered me years ago, when i wasn't even married. So, it holds special disdain for me in most cases, when i hear it.

But not only because of the base level "well you DO have that other parent, even if it's not a constant. I have nothing, at least you have something." But also because of the underlying stereotypes and assumptions it makes, lumping all 'single mothers' together.

The thing is, if it's a close friend of mine who says to me, while their husband/sig.other is away, or extra busy lately "Wow, i think i'm getting an idea of what singlemotherhood must be like for you." Then i am happy to commiserate with them, and pat them on the back. They will have their partner back soon, but it's nice to sometimes have my friends recognize how truly incredibly difficult this life is.

BUT, if i'm just hearing it said by someone else (most especially when they don't realize that i AM a single mother in the largest sense of the word possible) it makes my blood boil. It's often because they want pity. I, as a single mother, do NOT want anyone's pity! The speaker may want someone to offer their help, mostly in the 'i'll watch the kids why don't you have a spa day' variety. While this would be nice, i know it would never be offerred to me, and really the speakers DH will be back in a week!! I will never have my DH back. And finally, the speaker usually just wants to whine about how hard their life is, and isn't it horrible that they have to take care of the kids and the house alone for 2 weeks? And i'm sorry but that attitude is gonna get you nowhere when 2 weeks turns into 2 months turns into 2 years,.... this is not something any respectable single mother would do. We know that sometimes, our lives get put on hold. We know that it's tough raising children, but we also know that it's so incredibly rewarding, if you put the energy and effort into your DC.

It just makes me cringe.

I'm not saying that there aren't days when, if a close friend asks me how i'm doing, i don't admit that i'm having a rough time right then. But to proclaim that somehow your life is awful because your sig. other is gone for a little while (even though you still get their paycheck, their emotional support, etc etc etc) and woe is you for being a single mom,.. well that's just not fair.

Truly, you have no idea what it's like. And i pray you never do. Because obviously you couldn't handle it.


It just,.. offends me because really, as difficult as this is, and as lonely as i am often, and as much as i do desperately miss my DH, my house, my friends, and my life,...... i still have my DS. And he's all mine. It's rough, i can't afford to give him all the things i wish i could, but at least we have each other.

I am not a single mother by choice, but i'd like to think that i'm not just some stereotype either.