mamas exploring bisexuality while in relationship(s) - Page 3

[UmmBnB]

I was in college when I had my first experience with another woman. We dated briefly and then I had another fling soon after school. I've always been attracted to both genders but interestingly (to me anyway) I've only choosen to really commit to relationships with men.

My first husband was my high school sweetheart and knew nothing of my lustings for women. My next relationship was with a guy who just thought my interest in women was hot. Whatever. My husband after that - yes, I've been down the aisle more than a couple of times - thought homosexuality was something vile and repulsive...direct from the devil....so I just never mentioned it to him.

My current, and most likely last, husband was very matter of fact in his reaction when he asked me if I was straight or bi - and I said bi. He just said, "Oh. Cool." He is bi as well.

I've always been pretty much monogamous - aside from some college trists. I'm not sure why I've always "settled down" with men as opposed to women. I've just not met a woman with whom I wanted a lasting relationship with.

[paintermommy]

I could have written this post nearly word for word...

Except I haven't told him yet. I only just admitted it myself, and I'm struggling with how to tell him. I've always suspected that I might be bi, but tried to convince myself that I just had more of an appreciation for other women than most hetero women do. Until I had this very odd dream that was more like an OBE.. a meeting/conversation with a guide, perhaps? and opened me up to that part of myself as something to take seriously, not to just flippantly dismiss. So, I had an ephiphany, and told DH about the dream and dropped many, many hints, but have not told him that I actually, seriously, do think I'm bisexual.

He seems to think that I'm just kidding .. because in the past I've always been very open about talking about the beauty of other women, and such. I don't know how to tell him that I'm serious, without hurting him. I'm sure he would get over it, he's very openminded, but I don't want him to feel inadequate, which he's not.
I haven't told a single soul yet. And I'm posting here anonymously, I don't want anyone to know before I am ready.

But I can relate, especially to the second part of the post I quoted. I have been wanting to find someone like myself, now and then. But although I am sure DH is open to me being bi, I'm pretty sure that he is not open to me actually being intimate (emotionally, physically, what have you) with another woman.

I just don't know if I could actually be with someone else and DH concurrently. I think on some level I'd always feel as if I was cheating on him, even if he was there. I don't know. I am still struggling with this, as you can see. It's very new. Several people here were talking about journaling and I do that.. mine is a very visual journal because sometimes I just can't get the right words out, but a picture or just some color on the page speaks what I'm trying to say. If nothing else it helps me to clarify what I'm feeling.

I am so glad this thread is here.

Originally Posted by TheOrignlGrlyGrl

I've only recently admitted to myself and my husband of ten years that I'm bisexual. I think I always knew it and the more I've thought about it the more I remember. I was seven when I had my first crush on a girl. At the time, I had no sexual knowledge but remember thinking even then I shouldn't tell anyone.

..........

I'm happy and satisfied with my marriage and I don't feel like I'm really missing anything. But... at times I wish I could find a woman like myself. For the understanding and companionship. But this isn't exactly something I can bring up with the Mom's at the preschool. KWIM??

[Zaxmama]

I am glad this thread is here too...I don't really identify as any one particular label, that I know of anyway....I used to find myself having crushes on men and woman...I have been intimate with Men and Woman....I had an open marriage, that stopped when DS was in utero...now..I think I am asexual..I don't even care or think about sex...whats my label now? mentally when I think about it I would like to be sexual again..but I just cannot seem to get my urges or body to reciprocate...its all very sad.
sorry if this didn't belong her I guess I am just blowing off my sad sexless steam.

[wende]

I don't post here often because I sort of feel like this area is "reserved" for those who are in queer relationships, but I thought I'd say hello here.

I started thinking about women when I was VERY young. I think I was 5, actually. Growing up, however, I never realized that I had a choice. I thought I had to be with men, who I also enjoyed. I tried often as a young teenager to convince my girlfriends to experiment. When I was about 16 or 17 I talked to the girlfriend of my ex boyfriend on the phone about getting together, but it was still so taboo and I was scared. I was 19 before I ever really acted on my impulses, and by then I was a mother of 2. I had a few girls here and there that I played around with and one that I dated for a short time, but I was never willing to admit my "dirty little secret". Now, I'm married to a man who is wonderful and understanding. Of course, in the beginning of the relationship I was constantly talking about wanting to date women and he was against it. Now that we are comfortable in our relationship he's willing to allow me that freedom and I'm terrified to do it. He doesn't even want to be involved, necessarilly, though I'm sure he wouldn't turn it down, but I'm worried about what it would do to our relationship and how the kids would react were they to find out. I'm still not out to my family, though if my children asked I'd answer honestly.

[kitty waltz]

I am so struggling with this right now this thread is so fascinating to me. My marriage broke up, but we were poly. I had a close female friend and it seemed that she fit our family well, but it didnt work out between me and her, then she moved away. Then after my marriage split up I committed to a mutual {male} friend of my ex and I. Now my dp who knew Im bi, "isnt okay with it" and Im feeling more and more closeted every day. I used to enjoy being out with my friend, holding hands in public even with the kids and such and now I feel so out of place, especially since we moved away from my liberal sanctuary in Vermont, to arizona! I miss even having gay friends and such. And to end it all Im entirely financially dependant on him at the moment so i cant rock the boat.

[woodstock_mommy]

New here...introduction + my reply to thread...

Hello. I am Laura. I live in GA and have 2 children. I am a SAHM. I didn't post an overall board introduction and I hope that is OK. . .but I am really glad that I found this board. I would love to be able to post here and talk about my feelings as a BI parent with other moms who feel the same! Thank you for the oppertunity.

I would also like to meet other moms in the area that feel the same way I do, bi or gay/lesbian either one is fine.

I am 25 and married. I had my first child at 19 and married his father. I never felt that I was even remotely curious until my son was about 2 years old. At that time, I started to have a feeling that I needed to explore the strong urges of being bi-curious. I met someone and spoke with her for about 2 weeks before I agreed to meet her at her apt.

At this time, I had every intention of hiding it from my husband, being with her just once, realizing it was a silly thing to think about and being done. But that is not how it has turned out. I DID hide it from my DH for a long time because I didn't think it was going to be her (or anyone) for a while after that.

Skip to today, 3.5 years later, my DH knows about her, has met her, but has no desire to be a part of that relationship. That is my "other" love and he knows that at the end of the day, I will still be here for him as well as her. The love is def. different, but it's as big from one to the other.

She is a single mom of 1 and we have been offically labeling our relationship as a "relationship" for about 6 months. Before that, life got crazy and we decided to be friends with fringe benefits, but it has progressed and it's getting stronger every day.

I don't want to loose my DH to anyone, and if he had a problem, he knows to come to me right away and talk to me, but so far, he is fine. I don't see him having problems in the future.

Thank you for offering this board where I can get advice and connect with others like me! This will make my lifestyle much eaiser because it gives me a group to discuss it with!

[magentamomma]

I am Bi also. As a kid my firsy sexual experiences were with girls, and I was fascinated with my grandpa's old Playboys circa 1950, but when my mom found them in my room she deeply shamed me I was 10 or so. After that i just felt like straight was easier to undeerstand, easier to access. I still don't know how one would find a woman. Any way I got married to My dh who am very attracted to and in love with, but I find myself feeling like an important part of myself is being denied. I have told dh that I am more attracted to women than men and he seems to understand, but I think for him it is a turn on and he is interested in the menage a trois aspect. i am open to that but for me i am more interested in exploring a sexual/ emotional relationship with just a women. i have afriend who is bi and lately we fool around-Fondling- but she is also in a commited relationship and has intimacy problems. How did you guys meet other women and have any of you reconciled the mff relationship well.DH is definately not bi. i would ultimately be open to a long term two wife situation, but I don't know if that is truly viable or only a fantasy

[SleepyMamaBear]

hi ladies. love this thread.
my name is Tiffany, SAHM to Addy 17.5 mo and DW to Morgan(male). married just over 2 years.
i identify myself as queer. my first attraction was to my best freiends in the 2nd grade. they were identical twins, becky and cathy, i still love those ladies! lol. i knew that i had to hide my feelings for girls growing up because of society, not my parents, caue my mom is great and understanding and loving no matter what. and my dad, well i am his lil girl yanno? so no matter what he loves me.
while a teenager i overemphasized my "hetero"ness to mask my deep desires for girls. i was extremely promiscuous(sp?) with boys and even fell in love with one. my freshman year of highscool i had my first girlfriend. i loved her SO much, and she was out to everyone. i was out at school, but not at home or anywhere else. she was incredibly mentally unstable, and due to me helping her parents help her get into a mental health facility she and igrew apart(her wishes).
i dabbled with a few other girls here and there but no relationships through highschool.
met a guy, fell in love, even moved to Boston from oregon to live with him while we went to college. he knew from the beginning i desired women morethan men, and that honestlyi was not that attracted to men physically, but was able to love men on a personal basis depending on the person. hey, the heart loves who it loves right? regardless of the genitals attached.
we lasted almost 4 years, then ended up crumbling and growing further and further apart.
i dated women on and off. and fell in love with two wonderful women, though not at the same time. the first was closeted, after i had been OUT to everyone i knew or would ever know. it was so hard for me t hide our relationship from those in her life that would make her feel badly about it. but i did for her sake. we ended up splitting when she couldnt commit to an honest (with everyone) relationship. then the second wanted to fool around and didnt want a relationship. and i fell head over heels for her. i mean, u-haul on the second date kind of madly. lol. she ended up leaving me for her highschool bf. so i casually dated here and there, always prefering women over men. even going so far as to telling myself i wasnt really queer, i was a lesbian, becaused i was convinced i could never ever be attracted to a man physically, and that i didnt want to ever love a man again.
then i met my husband. online lol. in a local chat room. where everyone knew i didnt like men. so there was never ay pressure. i was "one of the guys" he and i became really great friends. and ended up becomming really close to eachother. he was my best friend. and i had never met him in real life! ha! we talked online daily and nightly for a lil over a year. he knew all my "dirty lil secrets" and i knew his.
i invited him up for a swim and some homemade lasagna i had planned to make. and we even discussed a quick tension releaving(sp?) shag, jsut to get off.
he came up. and the second i hugged him i fell in love. silly i know. but he was my best friend. and in that one hug i knew he was the one.
we talked, ate, swam, talked, farted(to get past that awkward wont fart around the other person stage) and had no intention of making it anything more than friendship. though through the day, and later night we got so close. we made love, and i was physically attracted to him.
but we vowed we wouldnt date or anything, just remain friends, with the occasional benefit. the following day he left, and we said we would hang out again soon.
later that week i had my last fling with a woman, a friend with benefits. lol.
two days after her, he called and told me he couldnt keep it in any longer, that he had HUGE feelings for me and wondered if we could date. i confessed my mutual feelings for him and we started dating.
fast foreward two months, we declare our love. and ffwd two more months we are married.
he is my soul mate. i never thought i could ever find anyone that could make me feel the way he does.
i even find his genitalia lovely, and not repulsive in the least, as i had with other male members in the past.
we dont have an open relationship and we dont want an open relationship.
we fantasize every now and again, but nothing serious.
i still find myself longing for a womans touch. and always find women a billion times more attractive than men. in fact the only man i find attractive at all is my husband! lol.
but i cant even fathom being with anyone other than him now. my heart is filled with love and devoted to him. nor could i fathom he being with anyone else.
this has become a novel. and i really only intended to write a short paragraph! lol.
nice to find similar mamas.

[bjorker]

Wow, what a great thread. I hadn't seen this one before, it's so old!

Are any of the original posters still hanging around here?

I feel a little funny telling "my story" to a dead thread, but after reading everyone else's, I figured I ought to chime in as somebody else who has BTDT!

I've been involved in a poly relationship before. It's a little complicated, but basically I was living with my BF, GF, and her husband. My BF & GF were not involved together, though they played a little bit. It didn't really last long, but I am glad for the experience. After my BF & I moved away from them, we "played" with another couple, the female being someone I had a "crush" on for quite some time. It didn't last long for a myriad of reasons (well, pure drama, mostly on her part). My BF and I also broke up not too long after that, making it very clear to me that we were not in a position to be with other people while with eachother. Our relationship just wasn't that strong.

Fast forward a bit to my current DP & I... I'll just refer to him as DH to make the gender clear, I guess-- we're only not married because it's totally not important to either of us to be married, not for any other reason. We have an almost-1 year old DD. We are very much in love & have a pretty damn strong relationship, though it did have its rocky beginnings. He's known about me being bi literally since he first met me, since my GF mentioned above was a good friend of his, and that's how I originally met him.

Still following me? If not, here's the important part:
I think I am more attracted to females than to males, though it's a little hard for me to tell since I am so one-sided in my relationships. I've had male partners consistantly since I was ... 15? Yet my experience with woman has been somewhat limited. And it has been almost three years since I've been with a woman at all. I feel VERY sexually frustrated. DH is somewhat open to the idea of me being with a woman, but as a VERY straight (heh) male, he doesn't totally "get it". Most every time I try to talk with him about it, he just makes jokes. He of course would rather another female be with HIM too. I am not opposed to that, but that makes finding someone THAT much harder. If not absolutely impossible. Or so it feels. He says that he won't know how he'll handle it without being in the situation, but it doesn't sound all that promising to me. I'm scared that if I do find a female to have some kind of relationship with, it will mess things up between DH and I. I would definately do what I had to do to rectify that, but I know that deep down I'd be very disappointed if I had to break it off with the female if he wasn't handling it well. So hence, I am very scared to try anything.

At the same time, I feel like I'm not being myself. I feel like I've been supressing something for a long time now. Frustration!!!

Still, I keep my eyes open, and if I have the opportunity to gently bring someone specific up to DH, I think that I would. My biggest problem is just finding somebody, especially while being my incredibly passive self... sigh.

Anybody still reading?

Thanks for this thread. It's nice to know that there are others out there, though I am sorry that many of you know my frustration. You guys are great. Keep on keepin' on. I'd love to hear how some of you original posters are doing with all of this now!

[Oregonicmama]

Hi Mamas,

I am glad to have found this thread however old it is. Maybe we can liven it up some?

I don't really know where to start. I have been with DP (male) for almost 6 yrs. We have a 4.5 yr old and a 13m old. We got preg after dating for 2 months (intentionally) and have been together ever since. I have been Poly most of my life I think. Even in High School I could never just date one guy. Of course, everyone thought I was a terrible slut, no one understood, and I had never heard of Polyamory. When i would tell my boyfriends I didn't want to only date them, they would inevitably get mad and break up with me. Ahhh, high school! I have also liked girls most of my life, but being a "slut" was bad enough, so I just didn't go there. I did have very close but never physical relationships with a couple girls who looking back on it i would say were more like girlfreinds than girl friends, but I nevr really though of it that way then.
So that said, DP and I had a really bumpy relationship for a long time. Still do sometimes. I wasn't exclusive to him when we first got together (it was never discussed, but just expected apparently). He is from a VERY conservative Christian family so he hated me and thought i was -surprise surprise- a terible slut for it. But I got preg so we never broke up. But he held it against and above me for years. He would get very offended if I flirted with anyone (m or f) and I couldn't go out with out him (well, I could g grocery shopping and stuff, but not to a bar or dancing or what not). This year he finally admitted that I haven't been doing anything wrong (i haven't been with anyone else since 2000) and its all his issue. THANK GOD!!!!! So, now we are considering having a Poly relationship. It would probably be more me being poly than him honestly.
SInce having babies, my attraction toward women has grown immensely. Sometimes I wonder if I am a lesbian, but I do really love DP and want to be with him. I hope this spring to find a nice secondary person to be with. I'm not sure if they will be male or female though. ANd I'm pretty shy around people I don't kow, so it may honestly not happen. ANy suggestions about that? Its been so long since I've actively tried to attract another person (heck, I've mostly been trying NOT to attract another person to please DP), that I feel like i'm 12 again!

Well, hope I'm not hyjacking the thread. And I hope some more likeminded mamas drop by.

[pinkmilk]

I'm a bi Momma too however if I don't stop havin' babies I doubt I'll ever find a nice woman to romance!! I'm just so caught up in motherhood right now I can't imagine....O.K....that's all I do,imagine!! .

Even though I decided to marry a man and I love him very much(which will never change) and even if I never ever was with a woman again( ) I will still and always identify as a bisexual woman. So the importance to relate to others is there.
So where does a Mom pick up chicks anyway!!!?? It seems like such a foreign concept.... What do we do??? Go to the bar 9 months pregnant? (Hi baby...wanna come over to my house...but be careful not to break my waters!) And a pregnant woman just looks so hetro, any self respecting lesbian would just run the other way!!Sighhhhhhhh! And then we're nursing for a couple years and we're leaking and gushing and pumping.And we have puke on our shoulders and we're not confident in our flabby mommy bodies...how the hell are we gonna meet anyone!!!!
Anyway... let's start a bi Mommy group so at least we have each other to talk to.
Who's in??

[Oregonicmama]

i'm in.

i thought about putting a personal ad in the paper that woud read something like this:

BiWMama seeks same for play dates and afternoons at the park. Must be breastfeeding friendly and have at least one child under 5. Should be available for fun during nap times and preschool hours. Must have own babysitter.

think it would work?

[chiedza]

Originally Posted by Oregonicmama

i'm in.

i thought about putting a personal ad in the paper that woud read something like this:

BiWMama seeks same for play dates and afternoons at the park. Must be breastfeeding friendly and have at least one child under 5. Should be available for fun during nap times and preschool hours. Must have own babysitter.

think it would work?

LOL! I'd meet you!

[bjorker]

Oh, you guys are too funny! If I saw that ad in the paper, I'd be ALLLL overrr that. And I'm totally not the type to normally respond to ads.

pinkmilk: I can relate to what you say big time (and omg you made me LOL - seriously). I hate feeling like I'm misrepresenting myself by appearing hetero. To top it off, I'm pretty timid... NEVER the type to initiate something. I think step one is to break out of myself a little bit. I've seen bi-mom w4w ads in the local craigslist... but they hardly ever speak to me. Not to mention my dp, as I mentioned above in another post on this thread-- is not too sure about any of this. I ended up putting an ad on Craigslist at one time on a whim, and got a couple of promising responses. I was very honest about myself in order to cut through the B.S. & find someone "true". I talked to dp again after I got the responses, and it was chaotic, to say the least. I think the reality of it was a little frightening for him. I can't risk my relationship (or add too many bumps to it) by venturing out to find a woman... but at the same time, I feel pretty repressed. I feel like I'm not entirely myself. I do not like being in this position.

I guess I rambled about this already above.

Seriously though - where DO you meet women? And somehow come across as NOT hetero? Yarg.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love this thread?

[Indigo73]

Wow, my original post is over 18 months old - my response is #4.

[bjorker]

Well it's good to see that you're still around MDC!

[BrooklynDoula]

Yes, I am post 19 from SO long ago. All still true, though!

[Oregonicmama]

[QUOTE=bjorker] I think the reality of it was a little frightening for him. I can't risk my relationship (or add too many bumps to it) by venturing out to find a woman... but at the same time, I feel pretty repressed. I feel like I'm not entirely myself. I do not like being in this position.[/QUOTE

A few months ago DP and I had a talk about our often turbulent relationship and what makes it that way and me being opressed was a big part of it. But he brough it up not me! He was raised in a hardcore Christian family in a small town and has some (sexual) issues because of it. *He wasn't allowed to go to the girls basketball game because he would see the players breast bouncing when they ran and jumped.* Poor DP . And he finally admitted to me that he doesn't trust me- not because of anything I have done (because I haven't done anything)-but because of his own issues from growing up. He told me he is ready to work on his problems instead of taking them out on me and I am free to go about my (sexual) business as I see fit. Boy did that ever improve our relationship. I finally felt accepted after 5 years of not feeling that way. I haven't even done anything yet, but I just feel better knowing that I wouldn't be demonized if I did (though he does prefer that I have a girlfriend and not a boyfriend).

I still feel pretty held down though. For instance I have a friend who I think is also Bi and i want to ask her. but if I do and she's not will she be wierded out? she would probably think i wanted to hook up with her when i really just want to know if she can relate on that level (she is cute, but too close of a famil friend to go that way with). I just feel overall held down, not by DP in particular.

I mean I have kids and never leave my house how is this all supposed to
work?

okay i'm rambling.

I'm typing just to hear the sound of my own clicks.

[bjorker]

No worries about the ramble Oregonicmama, I am the queen of ramble! Have fun trying to beat me at my own game, mwa ha ha ... (see, I'm doing it already).

Anyway... I can very much feel what you're saying here. I do believe that if I had the green light, I'd still feel held down-- I mean, how DO we go about this? I can definately relate to the bit about asking someone if they're bi in the first place. I can't imagine asking flat out, but I have figured people out in the past... but only because I was very open about myself. Even still, that chance isn't always present, some people don't even realise it yet, others don't know what they want, etc...
Actually, the whole reason I "figured out" I was bi in the first place was because somebody asked me flat out. That's when I realised, "Oh, that's what this is!" and suddenly everything made a lot more sense.

Though if this wasn't such a big part of me, I'd have given up on it long ago. I mean, so much confusion and potential for drama... yadda yadda.
Why people would EVER think this is a choice, I don't know.
Still, I am proud of myself and who I am.

I must admit when I read of your conversation with your DP, I felt an awfully big pang of jealousy. I really want to be in the position to at least try, to at least be free to try... and I guess in a way I am... but when he came to the conclusion that he's not going to know how he'll deal with it without actually being in that situation... it was not a good point in the conversation. I felt completely backed into a corner. He may have felt that way too. I don't want to pressure him into anything, but what else am I going to do? If he's happy this way, then why would he want to change anything?
(so I can be happy too?)
...And it's not that I'm not happy... I am happy with him! I mean, we have our issues of course, but the point is that I am not complete. It makes me disgusted with sappy songs and poems about relationships when they say, "you complete me" or "you are the only one for me", etc. That sounds awfully co-dependant to me.
It seems pretty clear to me that not any one person can be *everything* to another.

Okay, this is turning into a poly thing instead of a bi thing, but for me that's much of the issue.

When we were having said conversation (and he's done this before), he said to me, "And how would YOU feel if *I* went out and got a girlfriend?". I had mixed feelings about that, but I think much of that was the way in which he said it. It was like he was trying to make me jealous and shove something back in my face. Honestly, if done thoughtfully & honestly... I don't think I'd mind. It's all about *how* it's done, not just that it's done at all.

He is also afraid that it will somehow take away from his sex life. Or if he knows that *I've* had sex with someone else that night, he'll feel bad because it wasn't him that was enjoying himself.

He understands how I feel and who I am, and he has from the get-go, but he does not understand these feelings without having had them himself. I am not sure how to get around that. I am not sure how I can make him see that it's just another part of me. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now there's some ramble for you. (ahem) sorry...

Good luck to you. Good luck to all of you. It's good knowing that I'm not alone in all this, but I also wish I could take away everyone's pain that comes with being in this situation.

...okay, I'm going to stop now...... shut me up!

[JenniferC]

I think the best solution is to find other bi-mammas to hit on...harder said than done however! I've been going to playgroup while we are in the city, but...it's not exactly something you just up and suggest out of the blue .

What I'd REALLY love is for another family to come and live with us on our 80 acres with small children and a bi-mamma in the mix!