Awareness during birth

[cappuccinosmom]

My first birth I had demerol, so I suppose it's not surprising that I don't have very clear memories of the birth. I was totally aware of what was going on around my head (get that dang oxygen mask out of my face! ), but have no memory of what I felt or what was going on below my chest, other than that people were holding my legs while I pushed.

My second one was unmedicated, but again I seemed much more "in my head" than I would have liked. I was aware of dh, aware of the contractions and the urge to push, and I *think* I remember feeling ds start down the birth canal, but I was totally unaware of crowning, or of his shoulder dystocia, and they had to tell me to turn around and look at my baby because I didn't realize he was out! :

When I read all these lovely birth stories with blow by blow accounts of the entire labor, and all the sensations of everything recorded, and I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Why didn't I feel my babies crowning? Why did I have to be told they were born? :

[heathenmom]

I have the same issue, and not just with the birth of my dd. I tend to get overwhelmed in very intense situations and all the details get fuzzy/fade away. Same thing with my wedding. I regret so much not having a video made, because dh & I made up our own vows and I cannot remember a single word I said during the ceremony, or anything he said to me.

RE dd's birth, it was medicated (2 shots of nubain and an epidural 29 hours into a 31 hour labor), but LONG before I had medication I completely dissociated from what was going on around me. It bothers me, too. I'm hoping that my impending uc waterbirth will be different, but given my history I doubt it. :

[SublimeBirthGirl]

With my hospital birth, I felt very out of it and "in my head." With my UC, I was absolutely aware the entire time. My theory is that having non-intimate acquaintances around for such an intimate experience forces some women to withdraw into themselves.

[ecoteat]

Originally Posted by SublimeBirthGirl

With my hospital birth, I felt very out of it and "in my head." With my UC, I was absolutely aware the entire time. My theory is that having non-intimate acquaintances around for such an intimate experience forces some women to withdraw into themselves.

I've never thought of that, but it makes sense. Birth is SUCH an intimate experience. I can't imagine being comfortable really letting go as much as I did if I had been in a hospital. The comfort and safety of your own home (or even a really mother-friendly clinical setting, I guess) makes it possible to really focus on yourself and the birth.

[jengacnm]

I agree with SublimeBirthGirl, but I would also add that dissociation may just be one of many coping styles. Heck, isn't that the very basis of "psychoprophylaxis", teaching dissociation through patterned breathing?

Dissociation as a coping style isn't "wrong", it's just a way that some women cope, by choice or by instinct. Wanting a different experience, knowing where to get the help you need, and getting it, to me, is the very definintion of empowering.

Jennifer

[stacey2061]

Originally Posted by jengacnm

Dissociation as a coping style isn't "wrong", it's just a way that some women cope, by choice or by instinct. Wanting a different experience, knowing where to get the help you need, and getting it, to me, is the very definintion of empowering.

Jennifer

i agree

i think that if we do dissociate, we need to accept that it's our mind doing what it needs to do to get through a situation. we can't feel bad about it ~ it's your brain taking care of you

[Shelsi]

I completely forget every momentous occasion. It's so weird but it's how I am. Those "big events" in your life you usually remember forever are either fuzzy or gone for me. When I lost my virginity (to a guy I'd dated for a few years so it was a big deal) I don't remember that at all. Not one little shred of it and I know it wasn't traumatic, wasn't great lol, but not traumatic either. My first date with dh I don't recall at all even though we got married only 3 months later. Our wedding I sort of remember, it was at the JOP, but it's pretty fuzzy...I think I remember it because we have lots of pictures.

I completely went within myself for ds's birth. Now it was a pretty horrible experience but I don't think that's why. I think it's just how I handle pain and stress. I usually LOVE to be touched. My dh could rub me all day and I'd be the happiest girl in the world but he couldn't lay a finger on me while in labor without me freaking out. I NEEDED to be in my head and physical touch brought me out of that realm. I did have an epi but it didn't work...I do recall the feeling of ds coming out but I didn't really feel crowning and I certainly didn't feel him moving down at all. I don't have any feelings of remorse though that I didn't feel those things although when I read the stories I do wonder if I'll notice more during my homebirth.

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I definitely agree that the disassociation is okay with mom, then there's nothing wrong with it. I hated it, personally, and was happy not to experience it the second time around. Some women love "labor land" though. Whatever works

[cappuccinosmom]

Well, at least I'm not the only one.

Both were hospital births, so maybe that was part of the reason. The second was midwife attended and she kept the docs out during the birth, but I was still very unhappy to be there. I will have to see if a birth center birth makes any difference.

[nudnik]

I KNOW I had to force myself into a different mindset at my hospital birth. I specifically labored most of the time with my back to everyone (hands and knees) so I didn't have to face 5 strangers staring at me when I'm not comfortably covered. When I turned around (no energy to argue when they "suggested" [pressured] semi-sitting), I HAD to have my eyes closed for survival.

Hoping my homebirth allows me to be in the moment more.

[lifescholar]

This is something I worry about with using Hypnobirthing.

My last birth was induced, and I ended up with an epidural after 49 hours. But, I experienced the whole thing. As soon as he started moving down, I could totally feel him, and I felt him being born. I also remember looking in the mirror and seeing his head at one point during pushing.

It certainly wasn't an ideal birth, but I'm very glad that I was "there" for it!

I really, really want to do Hypnobirthing, and have a water birth, next time, but I really DON'T want to miss out on anything!

However, I have been assured by several people that self-hypnosis does NOT mean you have to "zone out".

But, who knows, in the moment, it might help me to get through it...one never knows, right?

[SublimeBirthGirl]

I was MUCH more aware during my 2nd birth than my first, and my 2nd was the one I used Hypnobabies for.

[Romana]

I had a similar experience as Laura, except wrapped into one birth. I labored at home for 19 hours, much of which was intensely painful, but I was totally aware and present, able to think and very in tune with my body, my husband, and the experience. After I transferred to the hospital, everything is a jumble in my mind. I have to ask dh what happened - Did this happen? How long was it from x to x? Did I hold dd while ____ happened? etc. I just can't remember. For example, I thought we went up an elevator to get to the birthing suite, but that in fact didn't happen. I was also extremely suggestible at the hospital.

This is one of the reasons I'm strongly considering a second UC. In terms of mental, emotional, and psychological space and well-being, I much preferred laboring at home.

Julia
dd 1 year old

[Belle]

My first was in a hospital and I was in laborland most of the time. After she was born I was surprised there was a baby. I was so busy laboring I forgot what the purpose of it was.

[wombatclay]

Honestly I was in "laborland" so heavily that I really don't recall much of the actual labor UNTIL I had pain meds (prior to a c/s). Once the physical sensation was reduced my mind "turned back on" and I have pretty good memories (fuzzy...it had been several days without sleep) of the actual c/s and birth. But I have just "moments of time" here and there during the 32+ hour labor and they're not in any particular order. My Dh and doula have much clearer memories.

So I think it just depends on you and the situation at the time. I wish I had more memories of the process, but maybe that's just not what nature had in mind for me, you know?

[SublimeBirthGirl]

Doesn't surprise me, Wombat. If I were going to have to give birth in a hospital again for some reason I might just plan for the epidural when I got there. Laboring naturally in the hospital is no fun for me, and I think it causes that dissociation in me.

[lifescholar]

Laura, I think you were actually one of the ones who reassured me that I could still be "there" if I used hypnosis!

[Radish4ever]

My DS was 10lb, 1oz and they had to tell me he was crowning! All I could really feel was the sensation of being very stretched out and a lot of pressure! i had no idea that his head was poking out for several minutes before his body finally came out too - now I totalllllly knew when his body came out because it was a gigantic relief! LOL

[rixafreeze]

I think that awareness of what is going on is related to who is present, or not present. Generally if you have an attendant there's more of an expectation that they will take care of such things.

With my UC, I was pushing on the toilet as her head crowned and came out. There was no way I could NOT have known what was going on! I had my hand on her head as it came lower and lower, then as it emerged. Then I knelt down on one knee and caught her body as it emerged.

Because I had been planning on catching my own baby, rather than turning it over to someone else--dh included--I knew I needed to be aware of when she was emerging.

[Romana]

Originally Posted by rixafreeze

I think that awareness of what is going on is related to who is present, or not present. Generally if you have an attendant there's more of an expectation that they will take care of such things.

Yes . . . it is just such a completely different experience alone. It was not any more difficult to deal with the very painful labor I had because I was alone and more aware; in fact I think it was easier. Not sure how to explain that, but it has a lot to do with control and ceding control to the "professionals" once you're in that situation (or having it wrested from you - certainly no one asked me my permission to do anything once I was in the hospital; they just either did it or said, "Now you have to/Now we have to . . ."

Julia
dd 1 year old