9 1/2 months later

[barefoot mama]

I remember thinking last June when Marissa died that I would feel so much better by March. I have a friend who had a baby this month and I was thinking I would be able to help her with cleaning and cooking and whatever. I have not been able to do any of that. I'm suddenly not able to do anything anymore. I have a few clients I work with, and I can totally focus on that, and it's such a relief to be able to get in that headspace. I'm in school, and when I get absorbed in that, I feel OK, too. But there is so much time spent just trying to get through the day. I have five living children who are all very young. I can't take care of them. I can't. But I do because I have to. I really want to curl up in bed for hours, weeks, months. My house starts each day in total chaos and it takes me literally all day just to find some semblance of order. We homeschool and I haven't done anything at all in this area. My laundry is way out of control.

A problem I never anticipated is that NO ONE wants to talk about Marissa anymore. Only my dh and living children will. Its not like I go on and on about her. I just mention her once in a while and notice the absolute silence from the other person.

I guess that's it. I have no one IRL to tell this to. I try talking to dh and he can't listen. I want to find a wide open field so I can scream and scream until I lose my voice, but I'm in the middle of the city with no one to help with the kids. If I scream, everyone will hear me.

[Jenns_3_babies]

I am so very sorry. I don't even know what to say. I just got done reading Marissa's and your's terrible tradegy. The dr's should've listened to you. Nothing is stronger than the mother's instinct. But when I was, as well as you were, a young 1st time mother wouldn't have been able to fight against all of those dr's. thank you for sharing your story. I've never experienced such a loss as losing a child. I just wanted to say that whenever you need to scream, we are here.

[trini]

I just wanted to offer you a hug and say that you can't put a timetable on grief. All I know is you have to walk through it.

When I was grieving the death of my son, my friend gave me an image of a dark forest. I was walking on a path and what I had to do was keep walking. As long as I didn't go off on any of the rabbit trails I would make it through. There would be an end to the forest, but I wouldn't know where it was until I got there. I just focused on staying on the path.

I can relate to staying busy. I went and got my Master's in the year after he died just to keep busy. I was pretty much going through the motions of life.

Anyway, I've said more than I meant to say.

(((Jen)))

[homewithtwinsmama]

I understand

I have four living children. We lost our youngest twin daughter a few hours after birth. I found I was okay (focusing on surviving baby and other kids) for a long time. Crying a lot and permanent physical ache in my chest, but managing. Then about a year out I was not. Totally flipping out. Got EMDR therapy ( fast acting form which I needed with having the kids to tend and we homeschool as well). After about 6 sessions I was remarkably better. Its worth doing! I have found that most of my birthy friends understand my need to talk about Leighanna still 20 months later, but my dh's family are insane. SIL got drunk and said some unforgivable stuff to dh about how she wasn't really important since she barely lived a few hours. When he went ballistic the family was "shocked" that he wasn't "done with grieving". This a year and a half after she died. The same family that recently sent out an email on the anniversary of a beloved DOG's death, lamenting her passing. But my daughter, don't give her a second thought. I have two or three good friends and my midwife who let me talk about her as much as and often as I need. It sounds like some therapy and one good girlfriend who understands the need for catharsis is good for the soul would help.

Lorrie

[STBSM]

All I can do is GIVE YOU HUGS!!

[Ilovum]

[mamaley]

Oh mama, I'm so sorry. You can always talk here too, about her, or anything.

[babygrant]

Just a

I would love to hear all about how wonderfull Marissa was!

[Steady101]

[Phoenix_Rising]

Originally Posted by barefoot mama

I want to find a wide open field so I can scream and scream until I lose my voice, but I'm in the middle of the city with no one to help with the kids. If I scream, everyone will hear me.

IME other people are scared to talk about a loved one who has died - they simply don't know how one will react to anything that is said. I think most people want to help but just don't know how and then their fears of inadequacy paralyze them.
An open field to scream sounds wonderful; I wish I knew of one for you to visit. Screaming on the inside is painful when you can't let it out.

[rainbowmoon]

I'm so sorry((((Hugs)))) I know some of how you feel and how frustrating it is.

I could have almost written your post myself (though I lost my DH not my child) it's been 19 months and nobody cares anymore. nobody really calls anymore or even asks how we are doing (unless it's to give unsolicited advice). in fact, it just seems like most folks just want me to shut up. it makes me sad, because I have come to the conclusion that our society doesn't accept (or most of all _support_ grieving) "oh it's been a year? it's time to move on." take some pills and shut the f*ck up. (Sorry I am angry about this right now. can ya tell?) I *really* hate when people ask "How are you?", then get a glazed loook on thier face when I tell them the truth. I have taken to lying now and saying "fine". no one wants to hear about my problems, believe me! I look fine, so I MUST be fine, right? what does anyone care anyway when they don't have to live it every single day. grief isn't something you can turn off & on. though some will like you to think so. but I also have found it's just not worth it anymore IMHO. I hate putting myself out there to be knocked down (unintentionally or otherwise) over and over again. or to bring DH up and be greeted with silence over and over again. it makes so sad. it seems like nobody want to remember him. (except his mother, but she drives me batty ) I am sure people who haven't been here before have no clue how you rlife changes. FOREVER.

sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread! or be a downer. :inncoent today has just been a really bad day

hang in there.

also come visit www.beyondindigo.com

[nolonger]

: rainbowmoon and barefoot mama.

My 15yods is alive, but our relationship is completely dead and I have to say that my experience mirrors what rainbowmoon describes: people expect me to be over it after three months and "move on" and assume a non-motherhood identity.

I'm sorry, but when I look in the mirror I see a homeschooling mother whose world has been shattered, not a failure who cleans other people's houses for minimum wage and doesn't do a very good job of it.

When I tried to get therapy to reuinite my son and I, I was offered a prescription for a bottle of shut the f*ck up pills too.

I'd much rather hear abour Marissa. She sounds like a beautiful little girl and I know you loved her very much. You are still her brave and courageous mother who did everything you could to help her and even while she was still alive, you dealt with your grief and frustration over what happened to her by trying to keep it from happening to other children who you didn't even know.

Just from reading your posts and those of JanisB and others who have endured unendurable tragedies, I'm coming to the conclusion that this is how people survive and make sense of tragedy. No child can ever replace Marissa or my son, but if our efforts through our grief can prevent the same tragedy from happening to another kid, our lives will have some meaning.

I know I'll be judged if I talk about why I am no longer in contact with my young son, but it does me a world of good to talk about the good things about him and the right things I did to parent him.

I can only imagine how much worse your pain must be than my own, but please, keep talking about Marissa and your dh and keep feeling. When you take shut up pills, not only do you become less human yourselves, but you deprive me and others who are grieving a loss or deciding whether to vax our babies or dealing with the death of a spouse or just plain living the chance to gain wisdom and comfort from your experience and deny us a part of our own humanity.

[rainbowmoon]

to you too noordinaryspider
and please don't think your grief is any "less" than anyone else's. there are different depths to it but nobody knows how another feels,yk? don't let yourself lessen your losses.

[ksjhwkr]

Originally Posted by barefoot mama

I remember thinking last June when Marissa died that I would feel so much better by March.

I really want to curl up in bed for hours, weeks, months.

A problem I never anticipated is that NO ONE wants to talk about Marissa anymore. Only my dh and living children will. Its not like I go on and on about her. I just mention her once in a while and notice the absolute silence from the other person.

I guess that's it. I have no one IRL to tell this to. I try talking to dh and he can't listen. I want to find a wide open field so I can scream and scream until I lose my voice, but I'm in the middle of the city with no one to help with the kids. If I scream, everyone will hear me.

I could have written any of this. It has been 3.5 years since Emma died. We've moved a couple times since she's died. Most recently, we moved a week ago. I hate that I live places where no one knew her. And quite honestly, they'd rather not. It is the worst.
Here is what I can tell you...it doesn't get better, just less intense. I think that the first 2 years were the hardest. of course, it's only been 3.5, but it isn't so raw and intense anymore. I still cry, I still hurt, I still wish everyday that she were here....

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

I have four living children. We lost our youngest twin daughter a few hours after birth. I found I was okay (focusing on surviving baby and other kids) for a long time. Crying a lot and permanent physical ache in my chest, but managing. Then about a year out I was not. Totally flipping out. Got EMDR therapy ( fast acting form which I needed with having the kids to tend and we homeschool as well). After about 6 sessions I was remarkably better. Its worth doing! I have found that most of my birthy friends understand my need to talk about Leighanna still 20 months later, but my dh's family are insane. SIL got drunk and said some unforgivable stuff to dh about how she wasn't really important since she barely lived a few hours. When he went ballistic the family was "shocked" that he wasn't "done with grieving". This a year and a half after she died. The same family that recently sent out an email on the anniversary of a beloved DOG's death, lamenting her passing. But my daughter, don't give her a second thought. I have two or three good friends and my midwife who let me talk about her as much as and often as I need. It sounds like some therapy and one good girlfriend who understands the need for catharsis is good for the soul would help.

Lorrie

What is EMDR therapy? I am so sorry that your husbands family isn't more supportive. That is one thing that I have, very supportive family (minus 2 of my sibilngs, but screw them).

One thing that helps me is remembering that grief is a long path, you don't know what the next bend in the path holds, so if I just keep my safety net close (family and friends who "get it"), I can make it through the next spot. Big s to all of the grieving mamas.

[mamamelia]

oh mama... i read your story a while back and i didn't know what to say... i still don't know what to say... i am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful marissa... i have to say that i did post marissa's story in my LJ, as i thought it would help another mama out. i hope that's ok...

for what it's worth, if your comfortable doing it here, i would love to hear about her... i really would. i would love to hear about what made her smile and what made her laugh.. about what made her eyes light up! i've seen her photos and she is a beautiful little girl... but you haven't let us fully know about how beautiful she was on the inside. i hope that one day you can.

i think one of the hardest things is when everyone just wants you to forget, to "get over it", to "get on with life".. it makes you feel like your grieving is not validated.. IMO, it's an absolute insult to the loved one who has passed away. you know what i think? anyone that dishes out that "advice" can basically just shut the f*ck up to put it bluntly. you should *never* forget or stop talking about her, and don't let anyone ever make you feel that you should do so because of thier own ignorance and fears about grieving. how could you forget someone that touched your heart and shared your body? you can't, and you shouldn't be expected to... ever.

i wish i was there to hug you... i know my words can't change anything and i don't even know if they will help, but please know that i am thinking about you.. that you are loved, and are safe to grieve here..
i always say a prayer for my dad at night. from tonight on, i will say a prayer for marissa when i pray for my dad. i may not know you, i have never met marissa, but i know i won't forget her..

[Jamie19]

Mama I'm listening.


I just wanted to let you know I read your story, I'm sure many many many others have also and didn't let you know, you really touched me and I am so sorry for your loss.

[rainbowmoon]

how are you doing today barefoot mama?

thinking of you

[2Sweeties1Angel]

I know how you feel. Nobody seems to understand that we will NEVER be fine after losing a child. This time of year is hard for me because this month is the anniversary of Nickolai's death. People don't understand why I'm not happy or cheerful because "everyone" is supposed to be happy in the spring

[napless]

I'm so sorry.

[orangefoot]

I'm sorry you are not being listened too, I can't imagine how much that must hurt.

My dad died 2 years ago yesterday and although I don't feel the horrible physical wrench now I still think if him ever day. Sometimes those thoughts make me smile but more often I feel tears coming.

I started a degree in education 3 years ago but when my dad died I could only manage to look after my family and get to work; creative thinking and finding space in my head to pull assignments together was just too hard to manage. I was talking to a friend yesterday (of all days) and she asked how my studies were going. She couldn't understand why I still haven't got back into it - despite the fact that my motivation is still on the floor and we have a 7 month old now along with our other 3 children and partly due to my dad's untimely death my dh started his own business last year and things are tough.

Sorry to moan here but I know that when I mention my dad to people who know he is dead they can't understand why I am talking about him. He was with us when we made a trip to London for my 30th and when we did so many other things together so why should I pretend that he wasn't there?

to all of you