Am I being unreasonable?

[annettemarie]

This morning there was a semi-emergency and I paged my hubby. It was about 15 minutes before the service started (he's a pastor) and he didn't answer. He basically told me nothing is more important than the church service on Sunday mornings and he takes his pager off when he gets there (around 7:30) and doesn't put it back on til the second service is over (around 12:20). I was ticked. I told him it was a pretty crappy message to send to people that the formalities of worship were more important than flesh and blood people, and that he needs to keep his pager in his worship folder or something on vibrate. I'm trying not to be unreasonable, but I'm really ticked because I feel like he's being completely unreasonable.

The longer I'm married to a pastor, the more I believe the Catholic church is right in not allowing priests to marry.

[Marcimama]

My dad is a pastor. I can understand his point of view...in part (not wanting to be interupted) but I would respectfully tell him that circumstances are a bit different with you possibly going into labor at any time and that his first responsibility is to you, not the church. I also bet with Palm Sunday his stress level is a bit higher. Give him grace, I bet he already knows he is wrong.

When my dh does bone head things like that I just remember, "Do not repay evil for evil...but give a blessing instead." 1 Pet. 3:9 It works!

[mosesface]

ohhhh, i hear ya!
i am married to a pastor myself. i am also a preacher's kid.

sometimes being a "professional christian" is no different than being a professional anything else. workaholism rates are just as high and it has nothing to do with god.


your dh has just has much responsibility to serve you and your family as he does the entire church. he obviously understands the need to be available to the congregation on a sunday morning and would never turn a deaf ear to them. so why does he think it's okay to be unavailable to you?

ETA: i didn't realize this was posted in a ddc when i responded! so sorry! i am most certainly not in this ddc, but i can relate to the problem!

[wirewendy]

I think that you should put your foot down here, and tell him that you and the baby come first. That is what being a husband means. I don't know though, people who are following a path that they believe has been chosen for them by God have a hard time believing that anything else could be more important.

I hope he doesn't believe in that "wives obey your husbands" junk.

[jbpoetmom]

Hmmmm . . . I wonder what the congregation would think if he missed the birth of his own child? You are not being unreasonable!

[Peppermint]

Not at all unreasonable. My dh is a fireman/paramedic. I do have to understand that there are times when he is unavailable to me, but- in quarters, I expect him to have his cell phone on and be prepared to get home ASAP.

[mmace]

Not married to a pastor, and not in your DDC, but I had to weigh in and say that if this Presbyterian girl found out that her pastor wasn't wearing a pager so his pregnant wife could get in touch with him if she needed to, I'd kick my pastor's butt!

[lesley&grace]

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. What sort of message is he sending to his congregation by dismissing his wife who is about to give birth? I'm sure if you were to poll the congregation they would 100% agree with you.
If it's a matter of him not wanting to be interrupted while he is bringing his flock to God...God gave you this pregnancy and God expects your husband to support you. God will totally understand if he needs to leave the service to be with you as you give birth.
Good luck!

[Sanveann]

ITA with the others ... while his job is very important, his family needs to be the FIRST priority, especially with you so close to labor. I'm Catholic, so as you pointed out, this issue doesn't really crop up for us, but if my pastor WERE married, I would certainly understand if he had a family emergency and needed to leave for a minute (or altogether)!

[mosesface]

after responding to this yesterday, i was talking with my mother (also a pastor's wife) over the phone. she, of course, completely agreed that your dh needed to be available to you but she also had a really good idea.

if your dh simply won't agree to keep his pager on him, he should give it to someone you both deeply trust (like and elder or a deacon or someone who will take that responsibility very seriously) during the service. that way, if you have an emergency, that person can contact you immediately, find out what's going on and either help you him/herself or notify your dh.

it's not the same as having your husband respond immediately, but at least you won't be completely out of touch.

[CityChic]

Not unreasonable. I am a Pastor's Kid too and remember many, many conversations like this one...

However, I do have to say that I am coming to realize not all men in ministry have to be this way. We needed an elder yesterday to help with a presentation. He said he would be happy to but needed to take his family home first, he would be back at the end of the session! I :heart: men like this!

[annettemarie]

Thanks all! I had no idea we had so many pastor's kids/wives here! We talked it over and made up and I think he understands where I'm coming from. I understand where he's coming from, too. Some people don't use his pager just for emergencies, and it would be pretty annoying to have someone page him in the middle of the service for no real reason.

Things were complicated yesterday because the "almost emergency" was that the police called my house at 7:55 saying that his car had been found "abandoned and open" three blocks away from the church. I was 99% sure that if something had happened and DH and the kids hadn't shown up (they were singing at early service, and DH was sweet and said he would take them so the littlest one and I could sleep in) someone from the church would have called, but I was very, very worried that something awful had happeded. There was a shooting here a few days ago, and I think I just panicked a little. Anyway, the police were mistaken somehow. He was actually parked behind the church and had left me his pastor parking spot to be sweet since I'm pregnant and had Nicholas with me.

All's well that ends well, though. I really do appreciate the support!

[neetling]

I am glad you got it sorted out. He should be available to you at all times with as close as we all are to delivery.