If you had boys first, then a girl...

[Nosy]

Did having a girl change you as a parent very much? From the beginning, I've been resistant to parenting one sex versus parenting a child. My friends that have girls often look at challenging behavior of my boys and say,"well they're boys." Before I had my first son, I think I was guilty of the whole "girl power" thing, but now it seems unfair to my sons. Why does one sex have to be better than the other? Now I'm wondering if I'm doing the boys a disservice by not honoring their boyness and trying to parent "boys" rather than "children." Does this make sense?

Also, when you had a girl, did you feel "complete"? I want another baby (boy or girl), but sometimes I wonder if the wanting another baby is some kind of subconscious desire for a daughter. I'm afraid I will keep wanting babies until I have a daughter, though I know I would love & cherish any child that came along. I love my 2 little guys and never feel "if only one were a girl."

[teachma]

I never particularly wanted a girl. As a matter of fact, while pg with #2, I actually shared with dh in confidence that I would be thrilled with a second boy. Having a son and daughter does not make me feel complete; quite the contrary, I now want another child more than ever! After my son (#1 dc) was born, I really wasn't sure I wanted a second child. Most of that was due to his high-needs nature. I wasn't sure i could put forth that amount of energy a second time. He didn't sleep through the night until he reached 5 years of age, he needed constant 1:1 interaction or terrible tantrums ensued, he suffered severe anxiety...My daughter changed me as a parent, but not because she is female. She is happy, social, nurturing, friendly, peaceful...she is easy to parent. She is a complement to my anxious self. She is a pure delight. She has affirmed for me that I can be a competent parent. Not because she is a girl , but just because of who the girl is. If that makes any sense.

[jillmamma]

I have a 4yo son and a 19mo daughter. Having my second definitely changed how I parent in that I had to learn how to divide my attention or give attention to both in different ways. As far as how I treat them, it is pretty much the same except DS does not wear bows in his hair or dresses. (I would not care if he wanted to, but he doesn't). I do notice a lot of differences in them, but some of that may be due to being male/female and some may just be their personalities. DD is more dramatic, more of a go-getter, whereas DS is more cautious and calmer. I LOVE watching them interact together and both like to play with all the toys (cars, trains, dolls, blocks, etc.) I don't feel complete after just two, I would love at least one or two more! But I have always wanted three or four kids anyway, regardless of what sex they are.

[climbermom]

I felt like my family was complete after my boy and girl, but I think that's just because I always knew I wanted two children. I personally never felt incomplete with zero, one, or two children. When I was pregnant with DD I was hoping for a boy because I kind of pictured myself as a mom to boys.

There is so much gender definition in our society that I really try not to be a source of that for my children. When MIL (or even DH) says that DS is "such a boy" I don't refute it, but I don't feel like I have enough experience or knowledge to know how much of his behavior is based on his gender vs. his personality. My children have very different personalities, and I try to respect that as I parent them, but I don't think I need to focus on what is boy-like or girl-like about them. And I really don't want to reinforce any sterotypes about what is or isn't acceptable for boys and girls to do based on their gender. I guess I think that if you are parenting the child (rather than the boy) then any part of the child that is there due to being a boy will still be accounted for in your parenting. It's not like you're discounting the fact that he's a boy, you're just addressing his personality in it's entirety.

OTOH, boys and girls are different, and to some extent will face different issues in life and as they grow up. So I guess I don't know.

[honeybee]

I try to be aware of gender differences, both innate differences and differences in how boys and girls are treated. I try to counteract some of the predominant cultural conditioning while respecting that there are some innate differences. For instance, I read about studies where parents use different words to describe the cries of their babies. Boys are usually perceived as being "mad" while girls are "sad." So, I've tried very hard to give my boys a whole range of feeling words, with an emphasis on "sad." If I have a girl, I will probably emphasize "mad" more. I also know that boys tend to develop verbal and fine motor skills later than girls, are more often labeled with learning disabilities and attention deficits, and tend to have more problems at school than girls. So, I've been very carefully looking for the best school environment while keeping these things in mind.

I do still want a daughter some day, but I think I would also enjoy a whole house full of boys.

[MommytoTwo]

I dont really treat my kids any differently as far as gender. I mean my DD gets pink stuff and DS gets blue, but I dont *treat* them differently. I cuddle with DS and roughhouse with DD. I dont know if that answers your question. Personally I think there IS a difference between boys and girls and I dont think its bad to just accept that as a biological fact. Not a popular view these days I guess but that doesnt bother me. I cant say it changed me as a parent. I am the same parent to both my kids, and I treat them differently based on their personalities and needs, not their sex.


And yes I am so grateful to have had a girl. I think I would have had to have at least 4-5 boys before giving up on a girl. I cant say it "completed" me because I walways wanted 3 kids. But I always always wanted at least one girl.

[BedHead]

I had 2 boys then a girl, and I am very glad I did have a girl. But I also knew before I had her (I didn't know the gender) that she would be my last - I just wanted it that way, I wanted 3 kids and I knew that when I was pg. My middle son is very emotional, and very in touch with his feelings, even more so than my girl, because I've encouraged them all to be that way. There are definite differences in a lot of ways between them that I attribute to gender, and if my daughter wants to express her girliness I have never stopped her. She doesn't really, though, in most ways. And the boys are typical boys in a lot of ways, but they're individuals first. I let them paint their nails and have dolls when they were little and that type of thing, but I did also embrace their boyness when they wanted to.

I know I do treat them and think about them differently based on their gender, but I try to minimize as much of the things I believe gender doesn't matter about as I can.

[LiamnEmma]

I don't know if this exactly speaks to what you're conveying, but I know that I really didn't grasp the depths of discrimination against males until I had a young male of my own to care for. I mean, I do see now that some things are simply in his being, regardless of nature/nurture. But at the same time, not all those things are just "boy" things. Some of them certainly are stereotypical (the need to make all things into guns and play wrestling games incessantly), but others are not (highly sensitive and likely to cry easily) and people refuse to see that in him. I have one of each and he's my older. I wouldn't say I felt complete exactly when dd was born. I actually felt a little sad for each one of them because I've always loved having a sibling of my gender and I knew neither child would experience that. OTOH, I have two sibs, one of each gender and both further away from me in age and I see a closeness in my two that we didn't share as young children so I suppose I was wrong about that.

My two have defied stereotypes such as verbality and fine motor skills as well. My boy is extraordinarily verbal and has lovely penmanship while my girl spoke on the later side and is awful with a pencil. go figure. I am glad afterall that I have one of each although I honestly believe that every configuration is the perfect configuration for each family, kwim?