How Do You/Your Partner Cope with The Stress?

[ericaz]

My dh and I are having a hard time. His job is high pace and very stressful. He comes home from work and more often than not I'm frustrated with pain (endo/IC/digestive), having a hard time with our 3.5 yr old, or feeling blue about the infertility. I find it close to impossible to hide my emotions - I don't want to pretend every thing is rosey when it's not, so I open up to him. He usually doesn't quite know how to react. Usually, I want a hug and to hear that's it's going to be Ok. A little compassion, empathy, commiseration. He's tired/stressed from work and wants to come home to a happy family. When he sees how down I am he takes it personally and winds up getting into even more of a funk. Recently, we can't seem to get out of this cycle.

We've talked about seeing a therapist, but have heard that most who take insurance do not have experience with couples dealing with infertility (and pain...my pain definitely causes stress in our relationship) and if they do - how do you find them? I recently found a therapist right near our home that seemed fabulous, but she doesn't take insurance. With the bills growing and growing from the IUIs, etc. we don't have the $$ for an added expense of uncovered therapy.

I've thought about trying to find some books that might shed some light on how couples can communicate better and get through the stress that often accompanies infertility. Can anyone make a recommendation?

Can anyone relate? I'm curious to hear how other couples are getting through these hard times.

Very stressed over here. Trying to focus on my sweet daughter and not let her see me cry too much.

[Hoping4sumBBdust]

Hi, I wanted to send you big hugs! We have had a very long, stressful journey, and its not getting any smoother any time soon. We are a young couple, I will be 23 in a month, and DH will be 25 next month, so a lot of people dont see our frustration.

In 3 weeks, we will celebrate a wonderful marriage of 3 years. We immediatly started trying, and have had 2 m/c's since. A couple months ago, we took custody of two young neices, 3, and 1, who last month we officially adopted. It was really nice to have an insta-family, but we deal with a lot of grief about it. We are constantly being called selfish for wanting a baby by people who have rooted for us the whole time, especially my MIL.

DH is in the military, and works from 12-16 hours daily usually 2pm-4am. I run a daycare from home from 5:30am-6:30pm. Our hours are constantly opposite, and we both have a lot of stress in our jobs. DH also personally takes my depression and sadness personally, and it hurts me because i hurt him. the way military insurance runs is @$$ backwards, we are only allowed 8 therapist sessions a year. we used a few when deciding whether or not we would take the girls, and while it was the best thing we could have ever done, i just wish we could have done it on our own.

If i could offer you any advice, it would be when dh comes home from work, is give HIM a hug instead of waiting for one. Kids are one of the best ways to deal with stress. Let your kid make a huge mess in the kitchen, (baking flower, pots and pans, whatever it might be) and then dont clean it for a couple hours. Enjoy the creativity that a child brings. At 3.5 years old, thats the perfect time to hop under a blanket, and take a mid-day nap. Just cuddle!

DH and I decided the best way to talk was to spend 15 minutes 3 times a week just talking specifically about infertility. Thats not the time to write out bills, or wash the dishes. If we dont get our 15 minutes every other day, we spend an hour sitting on park swings talking about it every Saturday

Infertilty doesnt just affect the ladies. I never really realized that until DH came home from work one night, and the girls were in the bed with me, and he was talking to Kayla (3 years old) and opened up to her about his heartbreak, and how much he wishes he could make me feel better. Well, Kayla was sleeping, but I wasnt. He kissed the girls, then came over to me, sat down by the side of the bed (he still thought i was sleeping, and told me he loved me, and kissed me goodnight) then i heard him cry himself to sleep. It really opened my eyes, that the men could be really sensitive about it to.

I really hope that things get better for you two. I personally think that there is nothing a therapist could tell you that you two dont already know. Cuddle, hug, kiss, love. 10 minutes a day of "adult time" If you still feel you need a therapist, and if you have to pay out of pocket, but you think that its best, I would.

I dont know of any books, but I would say spend some quality time with your DH, and ask him how he feels. You might be surprised to see he has hidden feelings that could be just as painful as yours. Best of luck, big hugs, keep us updated as to how things go. <<<<<< hugs>>>>>>>

[cristeen]

Originally Posted by Hoping4sumBBdust

If i could offer you any advice, it would be when dh comes home from work, is give HIM a hug instead of waiting for one.

It really opened my eyes, that the men could be really sensitive about it to.

:

I know for us, we had a very difficult time dealing with the stress. Enough that the first month I was on Clomid we didn't even DTD during the "window". For us what I finally realized is that yes, I'm hurting, but it's "okay" for me to hurt, he's not "allowed" to hurt, even though he does. So it became about listening to him when he came home from work. It doesn't matter what my day held or what else was going on, when he got home from work, I devoted 10 or 15 minutes to just listening to him tell me about his day, his feelings, whatever he needed to get off his chest. Once he vented his feelings, I could share mine, but not before. Because if I shared mine first, he wouldn't share his at all, he'd just bottle them up. It took him a while to figure out that he feels better after he tells me about his day, his stressors. The first few weeks it was difficult for him. Now it's a habit and he wants to do it every day. He comes home, I give him a hug, he takes off his work clothes, we lay down on the bed and we talk... Even now we continue with this, and it has helped our relationship tremendously because he feels like he can share his feelings with me now, which he always struggled with before.

Another idea is you may want to check with your RE if there are any infertility support groups in your area, where you can get together with other people having similar problems and share your feelings. They are usually free, and even if your DH can't attend, it may help you with your own feelings, which is turn means you'll have more "space" to help him with his.

Best of luck.

[Dea]

"Infertilty doesnt just affect the ladies. I never really realized that until DH came home from work one night, and the girls were in the bed with me, and he was talking to Kayla (3 years old) and opened up to her about his heartbreak, and how much he wishes he could make me feel better. Well, Kayla was sleeping, but I wasnt. He kissed the girls, then came over to me, sat down by the side of the bed (he still thought i was sleeping, and told me he loved me, and kissed me goodnight) then i heard him cry himself to sleep. It really opened my eyes, that the men could be really sensitive about it to."

This made my cry. Today I had an HSG and it wasn't a good result, and at home I totally blew up at my husband and told him that it doesn't affect him as much as it does me. I know it does, I am just so fustrated and I don't know how to deal with it. Normally I can keep myself calm and I understand that he's there for me too, but today, another problem, I already have issues, I don't need more. Sigh. Anyhow it was nice to read that.