how much can a toddler understand -- when?

[Momma Aimee]

I am 9 weeks along

DS is 16.5 monhts old.

The EDD is 6 days before his 2nd birthday.

We talk about shareing nurse nurse with the baby

we read Wating for Baby and My NEw Baby -- and he brings them to me at least 2X a day to read. The toddler in them is nicely gender nuteral and we tell the whole story of "theo and Momma shopping" or "Theo hugging momma". he pats me when we come to a momma page -- my mom was jsut ehre and he showed her the Granpatens arrive page. so he is making SOME connection

When should I start talking about Momma going away over night, or maybe 2 nights, to have the baby -- hopital birth.

Also -- I just had my bestfreind have a totally natrual birth, in a birth center, only to end up admitted to the high risk ob wing AFTER the birth due to her blood work (post-eclimpsia -- sp?). so while her 4 yo was expecting her to be gone ONE night she was gone 5.........i don't even know what to do about that. i am not goign to TRY to tell him it might be longer, i am going to focuse on one or two nights and Mom is just screwed if i have to be gone longer...

when my belly gets bigger -- i want to talk about the baby in ther e-- do you think that is too absract for him?

thoughts?

Aimee

[SashaBear]

From what I read you shouldn't start talking about the baby until almost the due date or whenever the child recognizes that something is going on (new baby items in the house, momma's belly getting bigger etc). Children don't understand in terms of months at that age.

[shellbell]

I wouldn't start talking about going away overnight until you are just about ready to have the baby. At his age, your son won't be able to hold onto the information that his momma is going away for a couple of days for longer than... well... the moment/day you share it with him. He may be able to communicate back to you what you told him in some way... but that's only parroting information. It would be confusing to prepare him WAAAAY in advance. Personally, I'd wait until about the last month (or even the last couple of weeks) to start prepping for the nights away from mom. Their little minds don't project into the future the same way that ours do and their sense of time is just so different.

[ralphie76]

I've done quite a bit of research on this, as well as presented workshops and presentations at conferences. In my opinion, it is best to wait to talk about details until MUCH closer to the birth- like even just a week or 2 before. Toddlers cannot developmentally comprehend time, so when we talk about things happening weeks or months out, it just increases the anticipation for them. It is a lot of pressure to put on a young child to expect him or her to keep track of what is happening today and what is happening in 7 months. I usually recommend, like the PP, not even talking about a baby coming (with toddlers) until the child notices change and/or it is very close to happening. Since you've already started talking about the baby, I'd keep it to the topics you've already touched on (or even back off for a bit), and wait to specifically talk about you being away until it is much, much closer.

IMO, I'd also back off on talking about sharing nursing for the time being. Of course it depends on the child, but for most older infants and toddlers, that would cause some anxiety that isn't necessary since the "sharing" isn't going to be occurring for quite a while. You could reintroduce that topic closer to the due date. Even anticipating happy positive things like a trip to Disneyland can be very stressful and anxiety-producing for young children.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like any more details about tips for preparing young children for new siblings. I've got several good handouts/book lists, etc. that I've prepared.

Congrats on your new baby, and enjoy your son during these months as a family of 3!

[tsfairy]

I've been pretty candid with DS since I found out I was pg. I'm due about 3 weeks after his 2nd birthday. We're planning a HB, so there hasn't been any discussion about me leaving, but he really seems to comprehend a lot of what is said.

Like the other day when he was nursing, I think I must have mentioned something about the baby needing to nurse when it's born, and so he tried to get me to nurse the baby by tugging my boob down to my belly.

He often lifts up my shirt and pokes my belly button and waves hi to my belly when the baby is mentioned.

Now we might be unique because my sister just had twins about 5 weeks ago. She lives nearby and we're very close and see her at least once a week. So DS saw her belly get big, and then we saw her in the hospital with the babies, and now we see the babies often. He's absolutely fascinated with the babies and loves them. He even tried to get me to nurse one of the babies when I was holding her the other day. I think this experience has been really helpful in allowing him to understand how the whole baby thing works.

Despite what ralphie76 said in her post, this seems to work for us. DS has always had a really high comprehension level though so talking him through things is easy and important to me. If he shows signs of resentment or anxiety I will back off but for now the baby is very much a part of our daily conversation.

[Momma Aimee]

If he shows signs of resentment or anxiety I will back off but for now the baby is very much a part of our daily conversation

he seesm to maybe get it -- but he doesn't care -- YK?

he pats my belly when we ready the book and see pictures of baby's in belly. he hugs me when the tot hug the mom in th book. he always points out the ball the grandparetns bring when they stay with the tot ----- in fact he took the book, open to the grandparents arrival page to my mom and shower it to her and pointed to the ball and then to his blue playground bouncy ball on the floor --- Mom says "I ahve been told" .................... so he is getting it.

I guess for now i will leave it -- and do what we are doing.

Just not sure how to prep him for me being away.

[wombatclay]

We've been "praising" dd a lot for sharing. Not in a preachy way, but pointing out how good it feels to share/pointing out when others share/being more verbal about sharing/etc. She turns two this week and will be around 26mo when dd2 arrives.

We don't know how much she "gets" (and honestly, how much could a little one understand about the impact this will have on her life?), and we haven't read any books or done anything like that...but we've talked about the baby in mama's tummy (DD named her "Roro" and will sing the row row row the boat song to my belly) and we point out families and friends who have siblings. One of her close playmates has a sibling due a month before Roro arives, so that will be a better chance to "connect the dots" I think.

We're just staying low key, not trying to push or rush any information, and we're not really going to cover the technicalities (being away for a day or more, sharing nursing and the family bed, looking at "big sib" books, etc) until a week or so before the birth.

HTH and congrats on the little one on the way!

[crysmomofthree]

I am going to have our 5th baby in about 6 weeks tops, my dd is going to turn two 2 weeks before my due date

we just started talking about the baby about 6 weeks ago (I have older kids and we found out the sex so its more interesting I guess) she is just grasping that there is a baby in my tummy. But she also thinks there is one in her tummy and in daddy's tummy.

Often she will kiss and hug my baby belly. Calls it a him and says kiss the baby

I do think kids tend to get anxious over the wait, because my three and a half year old sees the baby move then tells me that the baby wants out "can't you let him out now mommy" like I"m being mean by keeping him inside? They are excited

WE haven't really discussed the going away over night, partly because I am a nurse and until 20 weeks I was working 12 hour nights, so mommy being gone a night wasn't the end of the world (as long as daddy was there) and also because I"m really hoping for a homebirth this time.

[HeatherB]

I agree that you can prep him for the going-away part much closer to the birth. At that point you may want to tell him things like that it's going to be time soon for the baby to come out, and Mommy is going to <insert your favorite term for hospital here> to work to get the baby out. And I'd encourage him that he gets to come see his new baby and then Mommy and the baby will come home after they spend the night there... Just keep it on his level, and focus on the positives.

My kids are 5 and 2.5 and very aware. We talk about the baby alot and they kiss the baby and say Hi to it, etc. I know the wait will be long for them, but by the time baby comes they'll be very ready! The little one will be 3 just before the baby is born and does ask when the baby will come out already. I'm looking forward to slowly acclamating him to all of the ideas of homebirth and new baby in the next few months.