Resources for Grandparents-to-be

[gamitzer]

Does anyone have suggestions for books, websites, etc. that can be recommended to grandparents-to-be regarding GLBTQ childbearing/childraising?
I was talking to my mom recently and she said it would be nice to have a book to read about the subject. She remembered that I gave her a book when I came out many years ago, and thought a book for this situation might help too. My mom is very happy about becoming a grandparent, but wants to make sure she uses the right language and doesn't offend us (yes, she is very PC!). I told her I didn't know of any books, because almost all books about GLBTQ parents are written for GLBTQ parents. But there must be something out there, right? Alternatively, if there isn't anything out there, how did you get the message across to your parents about language to use/how to react to things, etc.? Thanks for any info you can share!
Meredith

[megincl]

This is a great question. I have yet to see a book...

I think that decisions about how to discuss various parts of queer family-creation are quite personal and specific to each family, so it might be hard to write a book that would cover all of the bases. To me it seems like your mom is eager to do the right thing, which is fabulous!!! I'd just tell her that you'll keep her in the loop as far as things go like discussing your donor, how you got pregnant, your kiddo having two moms, etc. And invite her to ask questions along the way! For me, openness is really the key.

Good luck,
megin

[lexbeach]

I haven't see a book either. I would just tell her what language you'd like her to use. We included both sets of grandparents-to-be from the start. We had them looking through donor profiles with us and everything.

After our twins were born, dw's parents would often refer to dw as "Lena," instead of "Mama" (the name we had chosen for them to call her) when talking to the babies (like, they'd say to them, "oh, here comes your Lena! Do you want to go to Lena?"). It drove me CRAZY! Sometimes dw or I would correct them and say, "you mean 'mama'" or something like that. But mostly we just modeled it a lot in front of them. Like, Lena would refer to herself in the third person and everything (something we don't usually do, but she'd say to the boys, "Mama will read you that book" instead of "I'll read you that book"). The modeling helped, but I think it wasn't until the boys started calling her "mama" themselves that dw's parents really caught on. Perhaps it was simply that it was hard for them to think of their daughter as anyone's "mama," but we always thought that it was more about the fact that I had given birth to the boys, and they really didn't think of her as being Luke and Jaz's real mama. And I think it also took my parents a while to really accept that Lena was the mama. It probably wasn't until the boys could talk about her that my parents really saw her as an equal parent. It's annoying, but sometimes I think the only way to really make someone believe something is to show it to them. Certainly, all four of the grandparents would have *said* that Lena was Luke and Jasper's mother from the start, but I just don't think they really believed it until they could see the boys treating her like a mother.

We've also always been really open about the donor, and we talk about him in front of everyone, mostly to normalize it for our kids, and I think that's helped all of the extended family to feel more comfortable about it/him.

HTH!

Lex

[gamitzer]

Thanks to both of you for the great info! I was thinking that grandparent books might be hard to come by, both due to the "newness" of gay parents, and the fact that all families are different and would be not be covered equally by one book. I was thinking of making a handy little guide for them, just to make it easier. I think we will have a harder time getting my wife's parents on board, so it's better that I start planning something now rather than later.
Lex, I do think we will have a similar problem with my wife's parents. I don't know if they will see me as a "real" mother until the kid addresses me as such, but I can deal with that. When we told them about the pregnancy last weekend, her dad asked two questions that sort of stung. The first was "do you even know who the father is?" and "how did you decide who would be the mother?" I let my wife handle the answers and she did an awesome job, but I definitely think they need some further guidance. Even if it's as simple as (Wife) is going to be called Mommy and Meredith is going to be called Mom. And then I can go from there on what to call the donor, and that we don't want them to feel that they need to hide info about our family. I have lots to explain now that I think about all the possible issues!
Thanks again,
Meredith