Complete BREAKDOWN.....WOW

[STBSM]

So, I finally had a COMPLETE MENTAL BREAKDOWN on Sunday. It was scary, the only thing/person that kept me going was my DD. I was so scared/angry/nervous and confused. I had a migrane from HELL and didnt know what to do to make all the pain go away.

I was able to see a Therapist on Monday afternoon and I felt so much better. He thinks it is time to really treat me, as talking isnt helping. So I am starting on DEPRESSION drugs, since after all he is right I am completely DEPRESSED in general about me, my past and my future. I am not a person who can deal with today or tomorrow, I let what COULD happen in the future with ppl and things beat me down.

I finally got to a point Sunday where I realized the things that my mom let happen to me as a child REALLY were HER and HIS fault and not mine, I didnt ask to me touched by my step-dad and I didnt asked to me abused. For years there was always a piece of me that thought it wasnt my fault but no on will truly admit to it and after all SHE gave me up and is still married to this man, so.....I wish she would admit it and help me but I guess I need to not worry about her but worry about me and try to find some peace in something otherwise I will never survive ALL of this.

So, if you made it this far, there is far more to it but thanks....I guess I needed to write this some where.

[grisandole]

Hugs to you. I'm glad that are getting some help. I hope the depression medication works well for you

[STBSM]

Thanks I do to! Sunday was a very sad/angry scary day for me and I knew after the thoughts I had I needed REAL HELP and I hope things get better, everyone says they will but I never believe it, but now I sure hope I can.

[kittywitty]

[barose]

[daniedb]

I'm so glad you're getting the help you need. And I am so sorry for that little girl you were, and the woman you are, that you were abused that way and your mother didn't fight for you. It's wonderful to hear that you are learning to accept that NONE of it was your fault. Not one bit of it.

[TigerTail]

i hope you are feeling confident and happy with the prospect of more help. depression is a hard thing to fight.

[pjlioness]

[STBSM]

Morning,
Thanks for the replies, it makes me feel good.

I am taking medication now (Cymbalta) I feel good during the day, but everything I have been able to step aside I guess comes back with a vegence the minute I lay down and close my eyes. I can not believe the thoughts I have at night and how much sleep I dont get anymore. I am lucky to sleep 2-3 hours a night. I either lay awake or I am half asleep dreaming all kinds of stuff and thinkning about all the things that make me depressed. I feel so lost and torn. I take bendryl to sleep and that leaves me feeling crappy.

Depression is rough, I sometimes wonder how ppl make it through.

[STBSM]

HI and thanks for the reply. It has taken me a long time, I do know that it wasnt my fault but there are so many unanswered things I want to know and so much pain and anger I need to let go off. I just hope I get through this all and can be a better person and mother to my DD, cuase she is the light of my life.

Originally Posted by daniedb

I'm so glad you're getting the help you need. And I am so sorry for that little girl you were, and the woman you are, that you were abused that way and your mother didn't fight for you. It's wonderful to hear that you are learning to accept that NONE of it was your fault. Not one bit of it.

[pjlioness]

Originally Posted by STBSM

I am lucky to sleep 2-3 hours a night. I either lay awake or I am half asleep dreaming all kinds of stuff and thinkning about all the things that make me depressed. I feel so lost and torn. I take bendryl to sleep and that leaves me feeling crappy.

*Please* call the Dr. (hopefully a psychiatrist?) who prescribed your meds and tell hir about the Benadryl. IIRC, that is something you could develop a dependance on. Maybe s/he could prescribe a sleep aid that would be safer.