"mama's boy"

[Finch]

Help me process this.

Dh said to ds (3) in frustration last night, "don't be such a mama's boy," because ds threw a fit when I got out of the car briefly and walked 10 feet away and came back. Ds screamed for me from the moment I opened my door to the time I came back (about 30 seconds, but when it's a toddler fit, it feels like 3000 seconds...).

I didn't like dh saying that. I told him I never wanted to hear him say that to ds again, that I don't like it, please don't say it. I told him we should be thankful ds is so attached to us (he cries for dh that way a lot too), and that there is nothing wrong with a child being attached to his parents. I also told him that lots of autistic kids don't ever express such emotions, and that we should be thankful ours does. I tried to say it as gently and calmly as possible, because dh doesn't hear me when I get emotional .

Dh grudgingly agreed to not say it again, but that's not the issue. I was trying to figure out why it bothered me so much, and I really couldn't. Saying "don't be a mama's boy" evokes images of distant, emotionally cold and abusive parenting to me. I think it is horrible how boys are taught to not openly express feelings like attachment and sadness and affection and love in our society. I don't want to browbeat my child with the whole masculine/testosterone/man's-man image.

Please help me put succinctly into words what I am feeling so that I can gently and concisely convey that to my husband (and myself!). It feels so jumbled up and bumbly. I just know I don't like that phrase, I hate it, and hearing it said to my child made the mama bear in me rise up and ready for battle.

[siobhang]

of course it pissed you off, it is misogynistic.

In popular culture, a "mama's boy" is weak, because he is attached to his "mama". A boy who loves and needs his mother is obviously a second class, weak, inferior creature to a "real man". A boy who dares to express his feelings or show weakness is clearly unacceptable and needs to be punished and strengthened.

Good on you for not putting up with that crap. I think having a good conversation with your dh about how it is incumbant to NOT reinforce the tight box that boys and men are shoved into by our culture. I firmly believe that the only way that women will attain freedom to be who we want to be is when MEN are allowed to feel a full range of emotions and are able to respect those emotions and needs.

That means it is okay for a boy child to be a child. To be weak and scared and need reassurance and to want the attention and love of his mother or father.

Good luck!

Siobhan

[jeca]

I wouldn't link it with weak just very attached to mama. Dh, being an only son is definitely a mama's boy. you wanna get his goat talk about his mama. And she on the other hand never ever wanted him to move out, she wanted a 33 year old man still living at home in his old room.

[UnschoolnMa]

I do not care for the phrase because it's always used to mean that caring for or loving one's mother means you are weak or "a sissy" and therefore not masculine enough, or worse "like a woman". I would not be okay with Dh saying that.

[caiesmommy]

My dh calls our 7 month old ds a mamas boy!!! I always say GOOD I WOULDNT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY or WELL IF THAT ISNT THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK!!!

[TabbyK]

To me a momma's boy evokes memories of my ex to be honest. I thought it was great that he was close to his mother. I didn't think it was so great that his every decision as a married professional adult hinged on and changed by her whim. She had him so wrapped up in worrying about what SHE wanted that he never learned how to stand on his own and be his own man. However, that is completely different than a boy who grows up having a close, loving relationship with his mother when that mother accepts that he will make his own decisions eventually and he is capable of doing just that - and they still maintain a close relationship. This first is an example of a weakness, the latter is an example of strength imo.

K.

[Finch]

Yes! Exactly! My son has enough battles to fight right now without stacking some superficial standard of masuclinity on it, thank you very much. My dh is very close to his mom, he calls her once a week, we visit her often (I love my MIL, so this is not at all a problem). However he's not like the poster's xdh who had to consult his mother for adult decisions.

My dh can be a bit of a troglodyte , that comes from his father, who is a huge testo pig kinda guy. Bleah. FIL and MIL divorced when dh was 12, and dh lived with his mom until he was 15, then moved in with his dad for a year, then moved back in with his mom : FIL was a huge huge HUGE chauvinist when he and MIL were married, he's improved somewhat with age, but it's still there. Fortunately, MIL had lots of influence on dh, and his chauvinist leanings can be tempered. That whole "don't be a mama's boy' was pure FIL coming out. Barf.

[khrys]

Maybe there is something in your own life (outside of your son?) that makes that statement especially hurtful to you? If there is something, that might help your dh understand why you really disliked what he said. To help explain in case that isn't clear, having someone get called a liar really bothers me, and dh has learned to never use that word because I hate it so much. I don't even like him to use it jokingly because it has such a strong meaning for me (related to my parents). Maybe someone used the mama's boy phrase in a very hurtful way to someone in your past? I hope this helps somehow!

[Amris]

It is a dual insult.

It is an insult to you, because it indicates that you are overly controlling and demanding. When an adult man is called a "mamma's boy," it is almost always because mom makes all the choices, she controls him.

It insinuates that there is a very unhealthy and abnormal attachment, and that you control him with threats of withdrawing affection.

It's also an insult to your DS because it says, "You are weak and allow your mother to control you (in an extreme and pathetic, rather than a normal manner)."

So it is an insult that is meant to be hurtful to mom and son both. I would not have been please, either. Bad enough that he intended to insult your DS, but to top it off, he chose to attempt a double in the process.

Just because it wasn't consciously intended doesn't make it any less hurtful.

[TinkerBelle]

It is not something I would think about a little boy. A grown man who allows his Mama to run his life, or treat his wife badly maybe. But not a little boy.

[Finch]

Originally Posted by Amris

It is a dual insult.

It is an insult to you, because it indicates that you are overly controlling and demanding. When an adult man is called a "mamma's boy," it is almost always because mom makes all the choices, she controls him.

It insinuates that there is a very unhealthy and abnormal attachment, and that you control him with threats of withdrawing affection.

It's also an insult to your DS because it says, "You are weak and allow your mother to control you (in an extreme and pathetic, rather than a normal manner)."

THAT'S IT!! Right there. I was thinking khrys was right, I needed to figure out what in my childhood/own family dynamic happened that makes it such a hot button for me, and Armis hit the nail on the head.

My own mother totally steamrolls my dad. She is a brow-beating, belittling, demeaning, emasculating, person. It is because of HER that the term "feminist" is so unsavory to me and evokes such nasty feelings. She talks trash about men in general all the time, I have had to say on more than one occasion that I am raising a man, and to please temper her comments. My mother was also very unhealthily and abnormally attached to my sister, and used it as a weapon against her. We were classified as "enmeshed" by our family therapist. She uses her affection as a weapon against my sister all the time. I saw what she did to my sister, so I always kept her at arm's length and never EVER let her do to me what she did to my sister. I also make a conscious effort to not belittle and disrespect my husband the way she does my dad.