Mamis of one, tell me why you aren't having any more/why you are/undecided?

[cjuniverse]

I've been giving A LOT of thought these past few months as to whether or not to have more children.

My first instinct has always been no. I have my hands full already with the one I have, many personal issues to deal with, and many conflicting goals. More children would mean more chaos in an already chaotic environment. Not always a bad thing, chaos, but I'm not sure I could handle any stronger of a gale force wind!

Anyway, mamis of one, let's talk about onlies. Let's really talk. Those who have decided on being a family of three, those who want more children in the future, and those who remain undecided (probably the category I belong in, at the moment).

Pros, cons, family reactions, struggles, challenges, advantages, feelings, practical concerns, all of it. Talk to me, mamis!

[motocita]

my dh would like to remain with just one, but i have not yet decided. he likes the level of peace in the house. he likes the dynamic of the 3 of us, says that having another one would break that togetherness. he likes the idea of us travelling and it being easier and more affordable with just one. we are both afraid of having a totally different child - our one has been such an easy and calm and wonderful baby. he worries that we would each have to be with one child, say at a restaurant, instead of talking to each other or to our daughter. we have seen many a couple that looks totally haggard and stressed with their two little ones. everything is so easy with our one, and she is just perfect in our eyes. i guess in a way we wonder how much better could life get? it's weird because if we had another one i know (and he admits too) that we would love that baby like crazy. in summary, we are asking: why ruin a wonderful thing?

all my sisters have multiple kids, and i do see lots of positives to having more than one, though. that's why i just have not made up my mind yet.

also, i see the way my daughter looks at siblings playing in stores, and i see how amused she is by their games, and i think about how much more fun she might have if she had a sibling to play with, rather than just us boring adults.

[lilysmama1124]

My dd is only 4 mo so I am no where near adding another at this point but I go back and forth in my head about having more. One the one hand I could have 10 kids I enjoy my dd so much. OTOH I have lots of other things I would like to do and I am really overwhelmed with my dd and have had bad ppd. I just can't imagine taking care of another child while taking care of an infant-it seems so hard to me. My dh is an only child and doesn't want my dd to be one because he wishes he had a sibling. He also had a drug addict/dealer dad and a very detatched and workaholic mother so maybe he would feel differently if he had been attatched and nurtured more by his parents. I have one sister who is ten years younger. We are so close and honestly I don't know if I would be alive today with out her because I went through terrible depression and she was my motivation to survive. My plan is to wait and see and not rush into anything. My hormones are telling me to have another one right now My brain and my dh say no because it just wouldn't be right at this time. Please no flames from big families but I also feel that overpopulation and consumption are such an environmental issue that maybe I should only have one or two- OTOH eight kids raised in an environmentally aware family will probably consume less in a lifetime that one raised in superconsuming mainstream American home!

[motocita]

oh yes i wanted to add too that my dh was an only child, and loved it! i had 4 siblings and things were rough at times. we didn't always get along but now that we're grown, i can't imagine not having my siblings.

my dh says his only regret in being an only child is that when his mom dies, he won't have anyone to go through it with, someone else who can really understand and grieve together with him.

[sarbear]

I have been thinking a lot about this very thing lately... how many children do I want? I used to think 3, maybe 4, but that was before I had 1!! Now, I think at least one more, but not anytime soon. I miss time alone with my husband, I miss my sleep, I miss being able to go to the movies when I feel like it, etc. But I LOVE my ds & the time I am so blessed to be able to share with him... I guess I am just looking forward to the day when he is a bit more independent and I can focus on personal goals once again. So where does the next baby fit in? I don't know...

I think about my ds though and the thought of him growing up close to siblings fills me with joy. I have one brother, and I always wished for more siblings. There is a bond that is created between siblings that can't be replicated in any other relationship in life (IMO) and I guess I just feel like ds deserves the chance to experience that. That said, I think that only children can be very happy and have many fulfilling relationships... it is a personal choice for parents, but there are many considerations. Whatever you choose will be right for you and your family.

[cjuniverse]

Lilysmama, I know what you mean about not being able to imagine caring for a newborn and an older child(ren). I seriously cannot even fathom that right now...

Thanks for the replies everyone. This is becoming a pretty difficult decision for me to make.

One of the things I struggle with the most is the fact that I am so extremely antisocial. I hardly ever go anywhere or do anything, I don't like being around people, I'm really getting pretty boring in my old age...I'm afraid that, as an only, this will be detrimental to my son's ability to get out into the world and make friends/a life for himself (of course, this could be just as much if not more of a problem with more than one child, but seems especially troublesome for onlies as they lack even a sibling to interact with).

Anyone have any advice for me? Any other social-phobic mamis of one out there want to share?

Thanks!

[NYCVeg]

Do a search in Parenting--there a bunch of threads on this.

For us: We feel absolutely complete as a family of three. Gut has a lot to do with it. Everyone said, "Oh, you'll change your mind when she's a little bigger," but we feel more and more certain with each passing day.

Other reasons: We do not feel capable, honestly, of having another. For reasons I don't understand, parenting seems more difficult for us than it is for other people--it's not the baby, BTW, who is very easy-going and good-tempered. We do not feel like we could do this again. I feel very strongly about staying home with my kid, and I don't want to put off my own career for another 3/4 years AFTER this one is school age. We had (and still have) enormous bfing challenges, and I would rather not go through that again. I miss sleeping. We like the financial flexibility that comes with having just one, particularly as we will almost certainly send her to private school. We like flexibility iin other ways--ease of traveling with her, etc.

That said, all of those reasons above would be meaningless if we really wanted another. There are practical reasons to have only one, but I think those aren't really "convincing" if you feel strongly that you just want another child.

Dh and I both have siblings (he has 1, I have 4) and, frankly, we could take or leave them. We have decent relationships with 3/5, virtually no relationship with the other 2. We like them fine, but we don't have those superclose, best friend relationships with them. For difficult life issues, we generally seek support elswhere. Having a lot of siblings does mean that dd has lots of cousins, including one is 3 months older than her and a girl on the way who will be a little less than a year younger than her. That girl, my sister's baby (due in a few weeks) will also be an only, so we will work to make sure the girls do lots of things together.

I do think it's important as the parent of an only to make sure you give your child lots of opportunities to socialize with other kids--right now, we do weekly story hour at the local bookstore, La Leche League, NINO meetings, plus get-togethers with our friends' babies and dd's cousins and trips tothe playground a few times a week. I just like getting her out to experience new people and places and other kids.

[ecoteat]

We are pretty sure we are going to stay with just one. We feel like our family is perfect just the way it is. Pregnancy, birth, and the babymoon were amazing and beautiful; I am content having had those experiences, but I don't neccessarily need to have them again. And next time it might not all be so wonderful.

Also, long before we were ready to have a baby, I felt (and still do, but to a different degree) that it was ecologically irresponsible to have more than 2 kids, considering that our environmental problems are all related to overpopulation around the world and overconsumption in our culture. Even those of us who try to tread lightly leave an impact, as do all of our children.

We live in a community with lots of like-minded people and babies, so I'm not concerned about dd having kids to play with. It's rural here, so we don't have close neighbors, but there is still a pretty tight group of young families. Because of this, OP, I can't really relate to your preference to stay away from social situations. Do you want to find ways to be more social or do you want to make up for the lack of social interaction at home with your ds?

[annettemarie]

Moving to Family Planning

[earthgirl]

DD is only 4 mos, but we knew we would only be having one before we even conceived. For us the reasons in the beginning were mostly practical: we live in boston where housing is tiny and overpriced so we could never afford enough space for a large family; we fly home to see family once a year, we could not do this if we had to buy more than 3 plane tickets each time; it's really important that I am able to be a SAHM, again money; my DH is a hardcore enviornmentalist and is not comfortable bringing more people into the world to further drain our already limited resources; I was an only child and actually liked it, I was very close to my mom and I know that relationship would have been different if I had siblings; My DH does have a brother, but they barely speak, so we know having more than one does not always mean they will be close.

Now that DD here I feel totally fine with our decision. She's a sweet and easy baby, but it's still A LOT of work. I don't really think I would want to do this baby thing again, even though I love it now. Also, things just feel right for us. We feel really comfortable with this being our family and don't think it needs to be changed a bit.

[3boobykins]

We have 3, had planned on two. DD2 was a sweet surpise. She and dd1 are about 19 months apart. I definitely didn't feel done after dd1 (our second child). Even after dd2, once she turned about a year I went back and forth all the time, either feeling done and contented, or really wanting one more. DH is defitely done. And as of the last couple of months, I am finally feeling done and glad to be in that place. Our 3 are intense and energetic. DD1 is spirited and challenging. Well, all 3 are challenging (and wonderful, of course) in their own way. Now that I'm getting "time off," either with dh when my mom is watching all 3 kids, or by myself or with mama girlfriends when dh is, I'm realizing that I don't want to "start over" again with the baby years. I'm looking forward to family hikes when no one has to be carried the whole time, to easier family trips, to overnights alone with dh (which we are doing for the first time this weekend, yay!), to having time to knit more, read more, take fun classes, exercise, etc. I LOVE the baby years, love birth and pregnancy. But they only last so long. And I'm actually ready to be done with breastfeeding and we're starting to gently wean dd2.

I feel that if we had another baby, my energy and attention would be spread too thin. With our girls being closely spaced, it's already a challenge to give enough to all 3 kids. I think every parent has his or her limit as to how much she or he can handle, and I know that we've reached ours. It feels really good to be completely at peace about this.

[Momma Aimee]

not sure if ia msupposed to pst -- we have one and are currently poreggo with number 2 and if God likes out intent then the family will top out with 4 kids over the next 5 years.

Here were / are our thoughts.

I was an only and did NOT want that for my child. I love DS and I love being with him all day. I liked being an ONLY -- but that was when i was young. no i see the reality of mom and dad getting old and it is jsut me. Dad took 95% care of his ages parents, but my Aunt was able to help with stuff like trips, holidays, and dealing with admin stuff..... My mom does 90% of the care of her parents, but Uncle S helps with teh yard, the house and the physical stuff and Aunt P or Aunt M help when asked with driving and stuff. welllllllllllllll it is JUST me and DH when My folks get old. not that i mind taking care of them, but emontionally i have seen how nice it is to have back up... somehting i won't have (actually i will, I have 2 freinds, one since i was 3 and one since i was 10 who love my folks and who will back me up as needed -- but that is a Blessing, and not an automatic YK?). So as nice as it was to be an only at 7, i will make up for it at 47. YK?

DH was one of 5.

We have always agreed that will will have more than one child.... it was to be 3 or 4 depending on if we had a 2nd pregancy -- as we want to adopt sib set (so maybe 5???? total). We know we are blessed, we want to be more blessed.

We see this new baby as a gift for DS. A blessing for his future. My bestfreind's dad is very sick (terminal) and her mom is having a very hard time -- but she has a sister..... When something happens to me and DH -- be in when we are 90 or when the kids are in pre-school -- I want DS not to be alone in whatever he faces.

I LOVE being a mom -- it is all i ever wanted to be, and it is all i ever want o be. i love every stange (yes i would like more sleep too). This is what I want to be. I don't care about movies, or dinners ot at fancy places, DH and I enjoy doing things with DS moire than alone...................my granparents had 5, they have 8 granddaughters and 12 greatgrandkids -- 7 of which are with in 2 years of each other -- i lookforward to a day when i have my family all around me like they do.

my 2 cents worth

Aimee

[cutekid]

Completely UNDECIDED!!
I have one. My DS has two other that don't live with us. Its really nice to have just our son. HE did after all pick us.

The reality is, I had my DS in my Sophmore year of college. I am about to graduate, and the career beckons...or not. I could have another child and relax for another 4 or so years and possibly continue my education, or I could decide not to have another child and start my career. I Really, REALLY, don't like the idea of having a child mid career, unless I find that my career isn't well suited for me and I want to change.
Aside from my career, I love just having my DS around. Usually its just me and him. I have also put A LOT of energy into raising him, and it will take a lot more. I don't think I have the energy to AP another child with teh commitment that I have with my DS. Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, all on an extended timeline. IF I have another child it could be almost 10 years before I am done breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

The other factor is that my DF is 40. He admits that he loves our son, but he cannot keep up. He's not sure if he can stand to have another baby/toddler period. Plus, he has two other childern who come to visit. He feels the financial obligation to him, dispite the fact things would be much easier if they lived with us.

So I am completely undecided.

Denise

[cjuniverse]

Thanks everyone!

It's always good to hear the opinions/perspectives of others, especially mamis.

Several things, though...

One of my main motivations for being done with having children is the fact that being a mami is *not* all I ever wanted. In fact, being a mami was something I never wanted, until I was one. Long story, but basically the deal when I got pregnant was that I would gestate, give birth, then give my son to his father. That was to be the extent of my contribution. It was only very late in the pregnancy that I had a change of heart.

So here I am. In an unplanned, unexpected life situation. Struggling daily with the implications and pressures of parenthood. With hardly any support. Fighting back post-partum psychosis with all my might, every minute. Where many mothers express their elation and joy and profound contentment with the early days/weeks/months of parenting (indeed, a lifetime of caretaking and constant sacrifice at the expense of all else), I can only lament and wallow in my fear, my discomfort, my difficulties.

Having and caring for this child has been the most frightening, challenging, painful (physically, emotionally, mentally), and overwhelming thing I've ever done. I truly wish I could ascribe positive connotations to all of the above, but I can't. It's been unimaginably hard for me. Sometimes I don't know if I made the right decision, if doing this is in the best interests of anyone. I just don't know, but every day I get up and try again. That's my best answer, and my only solution right now.

I do care about nice dinners. Movies. Going out with my best friend. Reading. Writing. Daydreaming. SLEEPING. Playing volleyball. Taking long walks. Enjoying, really enjoying a meal...savoring the wine and lingering over dessert. All of these things I take pleasure in, help make life more enjoyable and worth living, give me the strength and centering I need to keep on going. Without them, I suffer tremendously. I lose focus and slip into despair, forget who I am and why I bother with anything. In short, all that is exclusively me, which is to say my personhood and sense of self, dies. Without it, I cease to function.

It seems as though I am part of a very, very, very small minority who will actually admit to not being fulfilled by motherhood. That I care about having a life of my own, and find no transcendence in constant childcare. I don't believe the people brave enough to come out of the 'blissful motherhood' closet and say these things are the only ones feeling them. Not by a long shot. I so wish more parents would admit to being mere mortals in this respect and stop reinforcing the damaging notion that if you're not utterly enamored of your child (or children) and everything they do 100% of the time, you're a bad parent, even a bad person. So much harm is done to those of us who can't or won't pretend to be Mom/Dadbots.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out. I love my son. He's a sweet, darling little thing and can and has brought me into such amazing moments of tenderness. But, he's not the only person in my life. Having him was not the ultimate purpose of my existence. There are many other things I want to do, to see, to accomplish. I'm quite invested in these things, they add to my quality of life in a way that motherhood alone never could.

I guess I've answered my own question, then. Rambling, rambling...

[glorified_rice]

Originally Posted by cjuniverse

Lilysmama, I know what you mean about not being able to imagine caring for a newborn and an older child(ren). I seriously cannot even fathom that right now...

Thanks for the replies everyone. This is becoming a pretty difficult decision for me to make.

One of the things I struggle with the most is the fact that I am so extremely antisocial. I hardly ever go anywhere or do anything, I don't like being around people, I'm really getting pretty boring in my old age...I'm afraid that, as an only, this will be detrimental to my son's ability to get out into the world and make friends/a life for himself (of course, this could be just as much if not more of a problem with more than one child, but seems especially troublesome for onlies as they lack even a sibling to interact with).

Anyone have any advice for me? Any other social-phobic mamis of one out there want to share?

Thanks!

Yes. this is me exactly. I struggle with the same feelings. We have pretty much decided that we are only going to have one child. I was an only child and my husband comes from a family of 5 kids. I absolutely loved being an only child and I have a wonderful adult relationship with my parents. My husband, on the other hand, didn't get to spend all that much time with his parents growing up and has a very different relationship with them. Not a bad one, just really different. Out of his 4 siblings, he really only gets along well with one. He feels the same way that I do about it. He prefers the dynamic of three. Many of you have already written very eloquently about your reasons for only wanting one. Especially cjuniverse (you are not the only one who feels like that), NYCVeg and ecoteat. We too, never intended to have any children for many reasons. I very unexpectedly became pregnant and we found out on the day of our five year anniversary. Our son has been the best and most amazing thing that has ever happened to us, and by far the most stressful and challenging as well. He was and continues to be very high-needs/spirited, intense(I don't know how else to describe him). I guess I think of parenting as a job that deserves my 100% and I don't think I could give 100% if I had another. We decided that we would raise our child the best way we knew possible and that includes extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, me staying at home, etc... I don't even want to think about breastfeeding and caring for another infant while trying to deal with my son. And I so look forward to spending a lot of time with him as he grows older. We really want to do a lot of traveling and that would not be possible with more kids, at least not for many years. As far as being pretty anti-social; my son seems to be the complete opposite and I know that my personality will probably have little impact on his ability to make friends as he gets older. And if he turns out to be shy and introverted like me, then so be it. I don't think it's a bad thing. I doubt that having a sibling would make much of a difference. We have so much fun, just the three of us, and I really can't imagine it any other way.

[Momma Aimee]

One of my main motivations for being done with having children is the fact that being a mami is *not* all I ever wanted. In fact, being a mami was something I never wanted, until I was one. Long story, but basically the deal when I got pregnant was that I would gestate, give birth, then give my son to his father. That was to be the extent of my contribution. It was only very late in the pregnancy that I had a change of heart.

So here I am. In an unplanned, unexpected life situation. Struggling daily with the implications and pressures of parenthood. With hardly any support. Fighting back post-partum psychosis with all my might, every minute. Where many mothers express their elation and joy and profound contentment with the early days/weeks/months of parenting (indeed, a lifetime of caretaking and constant sacrifice at the expense of all else), I can only lament and wallow in my fear, my discomfort, my difficulties.

Having and caring for this child has been the most frightening, challenging, painful (physically, emotionally, mentally), and overwhelming thing I've ever done. I truly wish I could ascribe positive connotations to all of the above, but I can't. It's been unimaginably hard for me. Sometimes I don't know if I made the right decision, if doing this is in the best interests of anyone. I just don't know, but every day I get up and try again. That's my best answer, and my only solution right now.

I do care about nice dinners. Movies. Going out with my best friend. Reading. Writing. Daydreaming. SLEEPING. Playing volleyball. Taking long walks. Enjoying, really enjoying a meal...savoring the wine and lingering over dessert. All of these things I take pleasure in, help make life more enjoyable and worth living, give me the strength and centering I need to keep on going. Without them, I suffer tremendously. I lose focus and slip into despair, forget who I am and why I bother with anything. In short, all that is exclusively me, which is to say my personhood and sense of self, dies. Without it, I cease to function.

It seems as though I am part of a very, very, very small minority who will actually admit to not being fulfilled by motherhood. That I care about having a life of my own, and find no transcendence in constant childcare. I don't believe the people brave enough to come out of the 'blissful motherhood' closet and say these things are the only ones feeling them. Not by a long shot. I so wish more parents would admit to being mere mortals in this respect and stop reinforcing the damaging notion that if you're not utterly enamored of your child (or children) and everything they do 100% of the time, you're a bad parent, even a bad person. So much harm is done to those of us who can't or won't pretend to be Mom/Dadbots.

I think in that situation I'd be done

the mental health issues would make me done, we've been blessed that despite serious depression in my past i have not had PPD.

I think the "not being fullfilled by motherhood" would make me done too.

AImee

[cjuniverse]

Thanks again for all the replies, everyone! It's good to know I'm not alone in some of the ways I've been feeling, and that there is a place for validation for even this.

[lilysmama1124]

cjuniverse- Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings about motherhood. I actually do have days now where I love being a mama and think I could be fullfilled by mothering full time for the rest of my life-but there are many days that I really don't enjoy it and yearn for something different to do! I miss working and having a "career path", I miss my freedom and the idea that my life is completely up for grabs and open to whatever I want. Knowing that the next two decades are going to be mainly devoted to my daughter is soemtimes a hard pill to swallow, other days I am elated by the idea that I have purpose/plan/committment. I have really struggled and continue to struggle with ppd and I know that I am slipping back into it on the days I really resent my dd-not to say that it is always ppd when mothers feels this way, but for me it is a good indicator of how depressed I am!

[mavery]

I have one very challenging (though very lovely) 3.5yo ds, and I am coming to think that I am done. We originally planned 2, dh still would like a 2nd. But I struggle a lot. I am not "fulfilled" by motherhood, though I love my ds absolutely. I feel that so much of myself got submerged by the needs and demands of having a child, and I'm just now beginning to be at the point where I may be able to start to have an identity again. The thought of going back to the beginning again makes me feel horrified.

I also have to say that I know that my ds's personality, and mine, have something to do with this. He is an extroverted, noisy, rebellious person. I admire those qualities in many ways, but as a quiet, introverted, non-boat-rocker I often feel "assaulted" by my ds's personality. The thought of another person with his personality living in my house would make me want to move out

I still have mixed feelings, though. I wonder if in some ways he would be less challenging if he had a sib. I know I would love a second child if I had one. Also, I am afraid of ds having to take responsibility for us when we're old, and also that eventually he will be "alone" in the world. But I think a lot of that is my own fears and issues.

[cutekid]

I have a question, since we all seem to be in a similar place about being done with having childern.

Do you guys feel a natural desire to have more kids?

I have friends all around me who are in the Baby making mode and they are constantly trying to have childern. Either planning to TTC, or in the works, or just having sex all of the time with no birth control ect.
Several of my friends says their bodies have this uncontrolable desire to get pregnant.

I don't have any of these feelings. Infact, I have been doubling up on BC, diaphragm, with NFP, and I think I might use VCF, just incase I Don't get enough spermicide gel on the diaphragm. LOL. I also feel like that's why my sex drive, while back after 2 years of bc, isn't anything like it was in the early days of my relationship with my DF.

Thoughts??