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Mamis of one, tell me why you aren't having any more/why you are/undecided? - Page 2

post #21 of 46
I have one child, but his father has a daughter that ds doesn't see very often. Dh and I would like to have another child soon. Dh only wants one more, but I'm thinking I would like to have 2 more. Dh has 2 brothers and I have one brother, I really wouldn't like to just have one child. Most of the only children I have known have grown up to be spoiled, and very rotten. I know that's all on the parents, but I believe that having more than one helps teach them how to play well with others and how to share and get along with other people. However, ds is six now and will likely be 7 by the time #2 comes along. I can't wait to add to my family and am greatly looking forward to meeting my future child. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing for your family. When ds was 1 there was no way I was ready to expand, but now that he's more able to take care of himself I feel it's now the right time to add on. HTH!
post #22 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by cutekid View Post
I have a question, since we all seem to be in a similar place about being done with having childern.

Do you guys feel a natural desire to have more kids?

I have friends all around me who are in the Baby making mode and they are constantly trying to have childern. Either planning to TTC, or in the works, or just having sex all of the time with no birth control ect.
Several of my friends says their bodies have this uncontrolable desire to get pregnant.

I don't have any of these feelings. Infact, I have been doubling up on BC, diaphragm, with NFP, and I think I might use VCF, just incase I Don't get enough spermicide gel on the diaphragm. LOL. I also feel like that's why my sex drive, while back after 2 years of bc, isn't anything like it was in the early days of my relationship with my DF.

Thoughts??
I don't feel a natural desire to have more kids, and even if I did, I think that I would be able to control myself. My desire to not have more overrides any hormonal goofiness that may be going on at any given time. Honestly, the women who are in "baby making mode" drive me nuts. I'm not saying this to be mean, but it's true. To me, having children is not something I take lightly at all, and some of these people seem to put little or no thought into their decisions. I have seen far too many people that I know personally have way too many kids and not be able to handle it very well. I know that this isn't the case with everyone, there are many people who have multiple children who are great parents. I like to think logically and rationally about decisions of this magnitude before I let my hormonal urge to spawn more children take over. Questions like; do we have enough money to provide adequately for another child?, and do I have the ability to breastfeed and co-sleep with this infant for the next 2-6 years? and am I in the position to forgo my career aspirations for another ten years and not be resentful about it? come into play when my husband and I discuss this issue. Some may think this attitude is selfish, and most can't fathom why we wouldn't want at least one more, but I honestly feel it's the opposite.
post #23 of 46
I think I DO have this natural (maybe an instinct, or something) desire to have more kids. But my logical mind WAY overrides it. I do feel a twinge when friends are pregnant or having babies. I even have days where I want to be pregnant. But I "know" that I am either done or not ready, and so I usually ignore it.
post #24 of 46
We are still working on #1, but we do plan on only one.

Many of the reasons are the same as some of the other posters:
  • Finances in general - SAHM, education, organic food, health care expenses, insurance, transportation all come into play.
  • Unless we move out of the U.S. with a better education system we feel we must send our child to private school. I don’t want him/her to struggle with a piss poor educational system as I did.
  • We love to travel
  • DP is going to be 50 this year. (factor for us)
  • Also, I have fertility issues. I don’t want to go through the pain, heartbreak, energy and stress of ttc a third baby (#1 was stillborn) while trying to take care of our child.

Of course, things can change once if we do have a child. We may decide we want one more, or we may end up with twins. Things may change financially for us in a good way. We may also decide one is enough.
post #25 of 46
I have really enjoyed reading everyone's replies. This is a very sensitive subject for me, and I get great therapy out of digesting everyone else's feelings on the subject. I guess I'll chime in, too.

We have one lovely DD, who just turned 5. My DH is completely content with one, while I would like to have another. I don't care if the second child is biologically ours, or adopted.

DH's reasons for feeling happy with our family of three include:

1. Has has one sibling, a brother who is two years younger than he. He and his brother fought CONSTANTLY when he was growing up. They have no relationship now, to speak of. He says having a second child is no guarantee of a friend for life, and could end up being a rough ride. Why rock the boat?

2. He doesn't feel he has the energy for another. We have been building our own house (really, building it with our own hands) for over 3 years now. The house should be done by next year. It has been incredibly stressful, and he is just emotionally depleted by it.

3. He's afraid of making more parenting mistakes. He felt a lot of resentment growing up because his brother was often favored, and I think he is horrified by the thought that HE might (unwittingly) be the big, unfair ogre of a parent if there were two kids.

4. He is ready for DD to have her own room. We have been co-sleeping since day 1 with her. He knows that if we have another, there will be another kid in our bed for years to come.

5. I am the breadwinner. If we have another child (bio or adopted), I will need to take a maternity leave. I refuse to take the paltry 12 week standard leave, so we would probably take quite a financial hit for me to stay home for a while.

6. He is (like earthgirl's partner) a hardcore environmentalist, and is opposed to adding to the population problem. I put this last because I would consider an adopted child, so this reasons could be negated.

My reasons for wanting another include:

1. I was an only child growing up, and I HATED IT! We lived out in the country, with no other kids around, and I was really lonely. I remember telling myself that I would NEVER have just one child. So this idea that our DD might be our only is really hard for me to reconcile.

2. I loved pregnancy and birth. It was a totally transformative experience. I remember thinking in the weeks after our DD was born, "I could do this 5 more times!" Sometimes I have post-apocalyptic fantasies about living in a de-populated world and having a whole passle of kids! I know, it's silly, especially given DH's reason number 6, but it is part of me and I can't ignore it.

3. I have two half-sisters from my dad's second marriage. We didn't grow up together, so that's why I consider myself an only child in my childhood. But now I don't feel like an only child, because my sisters and I have developed very nice friendships since we are adults. I am hopeful that if we have a second child, our DD will get this kind of friendship. It's really great.

4. Since my mom didn't have any more kids, I really feel the burden of caring for her as she ages. She is having mental health issues, and it is all on me.

5. Our DD just LOVES little kids. She will go out of her way to care for other people's babies, even strangers (like the owner of the consignment shop we were in over the weekend). I remember when my dad and his second wife had their first baby, I was 6. I was SO EXCITED!! I think the age difference between our DD and a second child would be a big factor in reducing sibling rivalry, and I know that DD would be a great helper. With this in mind, I don't think the baby/toddler years would be as exhausting with the second as it was with the first

6. I am also a hardcore environmentalist, but since I feel such an urge to have a second, I can compromise at not *adding* to the population problem. (two children being considered simply "replacement") This is why I am comfortable with our second child being biologically ours. I also look around at lots of couples we know who are not choosing to have kids at all. I think, if my DH is OK with each couple having one kid, then us having a second is sort of like having one of "theirs" (that they didn't choose to have). He doesn't buy it, but it makes sense to me. I also feel that raising up children to be thoughtful, non-materialistic, and to make a positive change in the world, counterbalances their use of resources to some extent.

So, we are still at an impasse. I will turn 35 next week, and I'm feeling like I want to make this decision in the next year or so. At the same time, I know that if I push DH he will solidify his opinion of "we're done" all the faster.

Patience, patience...it's so hard!!

Thanks for the chance to think through this. I haven't made such a succinct list before. It really helped!

Good luck to all of you who might be in the undecided camp, like me.

~Diane
post #26 of 46
Quote:
2. He doesn't feel he has the energy for another. We have been building our own house (really, building it with our own hands) for over 3 years now. The house should be done by next year. It has been incredibly stressful, and he is just emotionally depleted by it.
we did this too -- SUCKED BIG TIME -- I got pregant a few months into it -- so i was pregant the whole time.
post #27 of 46
Aimee,

It's nice to hear from someone "on the other side". Sometimes we look at each other and think, are we completely nuts? : Why did we think building our own house was going to be FUN?

Well, we have been living in a run-down 500 sq ft, 1BR house that was standing on the property when we bought it. So, if I got pregnant now ... I would panic!

Although, the strangest thing happened last night. We are going on a big vacation next week - to Hawaii!! - and during vacation we will be celebrating our birthdays. (mine and DH's) Last night I told him that I had a surprise for him, that I was going to wait to tell him about, but he was pretty down and I thought it would pick him up. He was hugging me, and looked right in my eyes, and said "You're pregnant?" WITH A SMILE! I was so shocked, I scoffed and said "No, that wouldn't be a good birthday surprise for you." I was kinda sorry I said that afterward. Maybe he is considering, even just a little bit, that a second child would be good? Ack - I'm probably reading way too much into it. (BTW, the surprise is that he and our DD are going to take an aerial tour of Kauai while I go horseback riding. )

~Diane
post #28 of 46
well being preggo on sub floor -- with no kitchen, no rail on the stairs, and so on was an expereince. I had to stay at moms a lot when he was varnishing floors and so on.......

We got a kitchen when i was 7 month along........

but sounds to me like your DH wants a "surprise" not a "planned". BIL was like this ..... he couldn't bare to "plan a 3rd" given some limited gentic issues in HIS family..... but he refused to wear rubbers and so on -- we knew he wanted one (esp the way he was with mine) so sis said fine if he isn't gonna worry, i am not ... and her EDD is 4 days afte rmy EDD !!!!! and BIL is estatic -- some men just can't plan them

Aimee
post #29 of 46
I have pretty much stayed out of this because I never had an only (well, I had one for 10 minutes but taking her sister into the world wasn't really a choice ).

I really feel like having / raising children is such a personal choice. Rivka (dd3) was not planeed (no, I did NOT TTC when I had two 7 month olds , but she has really been a blessing. My three girls are very close, and I know that can change as they grow up, but it's a beautiful thing now. Their newest game is one of the twins calling "I LIKE Riky" and she comes over and hugs and then the other goes "I LIKE Riky" and she runs over to hug sis #2. It's a great thing to watch.

I have one brother and we fought like crazy growing up, much more than "normal" I never remember us even playign a game togther. As adults we don't have anything in common, but we do get along and talk on holidays / b-days. He loves my kids and is thinking of making a trip to Israel to see us next year when we go back. So even though we had a terrible relationship growing up, it's okay now. My mother always wanted a third and my dad wasn't comfortable with it b/c of finances. Well FF 20 years my mom was really upset because they could have easily afforded a third, but by the time my dad was comfy my mom was too old. She told me it took her about 20 years to get over it I would never TTC if I didn't have a secure place to live or my dh was unemployed or we couldn't put food on the table, but I also don't feel I need to be able to give my children "everything." We are planning on moving into a 4 bedroom, 1600 sq foot apartment next year forever. No, my kids won't have their own rooms, but they will have a safe, comfortable place to grow up we can afford.

Anyway my .02 for what it's worth
post #30 of 46
We had the same indecisive thoughts when we just had DS...I was on the fence for a long time. In the end, we decided we wanted to have another to give DS a playmate...and I couldn't see myself never being pregnant/giving birth again. I felt like there was a piece to our puzzle missing, too.

I think you will know when you make your decision if it is right for you or not. If you have peace about it, then you are most likely doing the right thing.
post #31 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aimee21972 View Post
but sounds to me like your DH wants a "surprise" not a "planned".

Aimee
Ah, if that were the case, I'd be turning cartwheels.

Nope, DH is a planner if I ever saw one. Especially about having kids. At least that's what he says...I do notice that there are lots of things where he says one thing, but in reality it turns out to be something else. Not like he is lying or anything, he just has these REALLY high standards for himself. And sometimes he can't live up to them, so he ends up doing things he said he wouldn't do. I think the "one kid only, because overpopulation is straining the planet" definitely falls into that category of high standards.

Again, I think patience is key for me. I just sat for a while with the calendar and thought about when would be good times to try for a second, how old I would be, how old our DD would be, etc. I kinda surprised myself by figuring out that I would be most comfortable waiting another year to TTC, and up to 2 years would be OK.

Now, the IUD comes out in a few months, so we will have to come up with some other kind of BC. If DH is still feeling "all done", he will want to do the snip-snip. Obviously, I'm not ready to go there. If he doesn't mention the V, then neither will I.

This is just so unlike the rest of our relationship, where we usually just sit down and work things out. Sigh.

~Diane
post #32 of 46
We have one. He is an AMAZING 5 year old. I would like one more, just one more BUT my husband is completely against it for many reasons and so I'm pretty sure we will remain with one. I'm 29 so there is still time but for me we both need to be 100% onboard with a second baby and I really don't think my Dh is going to come around.
post #33 of 46
I guess I'm the oddball here... I have one, and I'm certain that I don't want any more. It would be difficult for me to nurture more than one child in the manner that I would wish. I was an only and enjoyed it. Dh wants more... I have no desire to be pregnant again because I do not want to bring back memories of that emotional hell. It would be a recipe for massive ppd afterwards. Dh doesn't comprehend. We'll see in four years or so... and no, I have no natural desire to have more kids. But then, fertility hasn't returned, so I don't really have "natural desires", period.
post #34 of 46
Thread Starter 
Thanks so much for the continuing discussion, ladies. It's been very informative.

I'm so done with even thinking of being done right now...some days I'll wax romantic about when Ryo was a tiny babe, fantasize about him playing with his brother/sister(S?!). It's totally crazy how I flip and flop about this.

Then many days, I'm so tired and so stressed and so confused and so scared and so conflicted about parenting on soooo many levels that I can hardly function at all. On those days, I want to gouge out my ovaries with a spatula.

I have preemptively diagnosed myself with BPD just recently, and that also is influencing my leanings towards no more. Worrying like heck that I'm going to pass it on either genetically/behaviorally to the one I already have...

But that's a whole 'nother coconut. Who needs a DRINK?
post #35 of 46
I hear what people are saying about people in "baby-making mode" who don't seem to think too strongly about ttc, like its just all fun and games to have another baby. but at the same time, i think having another child is a matter for the heart, and not the head. when dd was about 18 months i started thinking about it--a lot. like, "how old will dd be when the baby is born if i conceive now?" and thinking that every month. thinking it more and more. until finally, i had a serious talk about it with dh. the way i felt about it, the way i thought about it, it wasn't something where i thought about money or time, or any of that. it was just in my heart that i knew i didn't want dd to be an only child, and i didn't want children like 8 years apart, either. i wanted to have another baby, to have that experience again for myself, yes, but i just wanted it for many reasons. and i know that if i didn't do it, i would have been really disappointed and sad about it forever. fortuntely dh was on board and i didn't have to convince him.

it is going to take a lot of will power and pros/cons weighing for me to KNOW that 2 is where we will stop. i know we won't have any more kids. even though for some weird reason i kind of want to. its totally impractical on every level, for many of the reasons people have said here. so i have to fight that "baby-making fertility nut" inside me! and listen to reason.

i think you will know whether you really want to or not. what do your guts really say? do they say "yes yes, money, time blah blah blah, but i WANT another?" or do they say "i kind of want another, but what about MONEY, TIME, ENERGY, etc?!" do your cons outweigh your pros?
post #36 of 46
Thread Starter 
Right now, the cons are ahead by well, a head.

Thanks Lohan, great insight and thoughtfulness in your post.

Sigh. Big decisions suck.
post #37 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by earthgirl View Post
my DH is a hardcore enviornmentalist and is not comfortable bringing more people into the world to further drain our already limited resources;

I couldn't agree with this more. I think there should be a limit to how many children parents can have freely to the point where couples have to be approved to plan extra children, or pay the hospital and medical bills for the extra children without tax credits for the additional children too. Yes it does bring the touchy subject of rights to have children. Our world is already over populated and people are living longer. in my family I have over 10 brothers and sisters because people keep devorcing and wanting kids with their new partner, so really each couple only has 1 or 2 kids but the couples are webbed togather. I feel that large families and blended families threaten my DD because of increase need and decreased resources.

That being said we only wanted one child but now want DD to have a sibling on a certain level. I may be wrong but I have this feeling that we can handle adding a second child to the family would be alot easier than it was with the first, just need a little more organization.

My issue is the spacing I want them as close as possible togather, but I want DD to be at a point were it will be easier to handle both. If I don't think I can handle 2 by the time she is 3 years old I think she will be an only child. In a with my oldest sister in her 30's and my youngest 4 I have seen the effects of spacing in different family dynamics.

So really we are undecided, but leaning towards 2 max.
post #38 of 46
What if I just want to spoil the pure tar out of my DS. LOL. Seriously, I was watching a friend of mine handle her DS and new infant and theres NO WAY I can see putting my first off, but I couldn't neglect my second either. I have a hard time satisfying three kids just a few times every month or so, let alone doing it every day.

Maybe, I have some unresolved issues with being the oldest and one day I wasn't the star of the show.
Denise
post #39 of 46
Reviving this post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloth4Colin View Post
I think you will know when you make your decision if it is right for you or not. If you have peace about it, then you are most likely doing the right thing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lohagrace View Post
i think you will know whether you really want to or not. what do your guts really say? do they say "yes yes, money, time blah blah blah, but i WANT another?" or do they say "i kind of want another, but what about MONEY, TIME, ENERGY, etc?!" do your cons outweigh your pros?
See, I REALLY don't know! Seems most people I talk to feel in their hearts that they either want more or that their family is complete. Sometimes I look at my family of 3 and I can't fathom changing a thing. Sometimes I want another child. There are numerous pros and cons, fears and expectations to both options.

I wish we could leave it up to fate - either get pregnant or not, without trying or not trying - but that's just not an option in a same-gender partnership!
post #40 of 46
Wow, to the PP. I can understand that. ALthough I am in heterosexual relationship. In so many ways I am leaving having another child up to fate and doing what I can to tip the scale in the favor of not having childern.
I can only imagine the magnitued of planning and discussing and working things out when your only option is to plan for future childern.
There is a plus to your situation, if you got pregnant it wouldn't be a devastating blow to your life. It wouldn't be some life changing suprise that turned your world tempoarily upside down. It would be something you knew for sure you wanted.



Denise
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