2 yr old and power struggles...need advice...

[ilex]

My dd just turned two last month and up until this point, strangely enough, she has been a very mild-mannered child, didn't get disturbed about too much except when she was tired or feeling bad.

Now, I don't know if this is b/c i am more stressed lately, we are planning a big move and buying out first home, but she has been driving me crazy. My dh is hardly ever at home too, right now, so I think this is also part of the problem, she misses him like crazy. So, we are dealing with new issues and I need some advice desperately. I don't know where to go in this new territory.

For example, today we were having lunch and dd decides she wants some soup out of the bowl, but the bowl is flimsy (japanese take-out) and it is warm so I told her we needed to put the soup in a better bowl, she said okay, so I did it, and b/c she wanted to do it, as soon as I put the bowl down she tipped it over all over the table and said NO! I picked her up off the chair and put her on the floor, I was very upset and started yelling at her while I was cleaning it up. She in turn got upset. I hate yelling at her, and it doesn't happen very often, but it seems to lately. A minute later, I calmed down and went to her and calmly told her why it was wrong to spill the soup and what she needs to do instead. But I would rather not go through the first episode... What should I have done in that situation? I tell her over and over again, why we don't spill things and try to show her what to do instead, but this happens all the time.

Soon after this happened I gave her a cup of juice with a spill-proof top, b/c she spills everything, purposefully, on the floor soon after I give it to her. But of course she wanted the full open bottle of juice, not the cup, so she proceeded to throw the cup across the room. What do I do? What should I do? Is this normal 2yo behaviour, if there is such a thing? I would love to calmly sit down and talk to her everytime this happens but after the tenth time in one day it gets a bit hard to remain the ever sane, calm, cool mama.

Any advice, tips, suggestions, stories, or support would be wonderful. I am planning on reading Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles very soon, as soon as I get a moment to do so.
Thank you so much.

[ilex]

Another question...Does she understand at this age what I am talking about when I talk to her about these things? She seems to, but maybe she is too young yet? And that's why it keeps happening? :

[Dodo]

Wow, she must have been particularly mild mannered before if you're surprised by this behaviour.

I also have an intentional spiller. When she's on a spilling spree, I will insist on the sippy cup. If she throws it, then I take that as a sign that she wasn't thirsty, she just wanted to spill, spill, spill!

Anyway, no advice here, just commiseration.

p.s. My dd has even figured out that she can still get sippy cup water on the floor by storing it up and spitting it out.:

[Piglet68]

Re: 2 yr old and power struggles...need advice...

Originally posted by bellasmum
...i am more stressed lately, we are planning a big move and buying out first home...My dh is hardly ever at home too...

Uh yeah, lol. I think you just answered your question. It would be some kid who *wouldn't* feel the stress you're going through!

I am planning on reading Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles very soon, as soon as I get a moment to do so.

I'm reading it right now, almost finished it. It will *definitely* help you, big time. The chapter on how stress affects kids sounds right up your alley! Run, don't walk, to the library, lol!

[khrisday]

She sounds very normal for a two year old. In the scenario about the soup, I woudl have just had her clean up the mess. With the intenional throwing of cups, etc, I woudl probably not allow her to have anything but water for a while. Pretty logical consequences.

[Embee]

When I'm stressed and/or tired, normal toddlers behaviors that wouldn't usually bother me, can really grate. Also, my mood usually plays a part in his behavior--DH likes to say, "you two are feeding off each other" and he's right. At times like this, I make a concerted effort to breathe deep and see the situation for what it really is rather than how it's making me feel... reality is a great mood leveler.

DS has never been much of an intentional spiller, but with any other type of behavior like this, I usually try to give him a positive alternative. After the spilling has taken place, the clean up done, you might try giving her some opportunities to do some "controlled" spilling. DS loves playing at the sink. I give him bowls and cups and spoons and he can pour and spill to his heart's content (a sink with standing water or perhaps some running water from the tap). He gets very wet, the sink is soaked (as our my floors--which usually need a good mopping anyway) and his need to pour and spill is satisfied for the time being.

As for the soup and the cup, would it be possible to honor her request to pour it herself, or at the very least help you pour it? It sounds to me as if her intentional throwing and spilling could just be a the result of frustration at not being about to help out more. What better way to learn not to spill than to practice pouring with mom?

Lastly, there are a lot of big changes and stresses in your life right now. You feel them, she certainly feels them and yes, it's these kinds of things that can fuel power struggles. The book is quite good indeed. I second that run (don't walk!) to the library!

Take care, good luck with all the big changes and hang in there.

[Dodo]

Just wanted to add that you can use this interest in spilling to your advantage by setting your kid up with a cup or two of water in an acceptable place (e.g., bathroom, balcony, yard, laundry room) for some independant play.

[ilex]

Thank you to everyone for your posts. After reading the replies and also reading a lot more in this forum, I realized that my problems weren't so problematic, and that I completely over-reacted yesterday. I was just tired and stressed, and I made a bad move by getting mad at her. And really, there aren't any problems with the way she is being, it's just me.

Dodo, thank you, it's nice to know I'm not alone. That's a pretty brilliant strategy your dd has. :LOL And I do give her the acceptable places, and frequent opportunities to spill away.

Piglet, yes, I do think the stress is a major part of all of this, mostly just me over-reacting like I said b/c I'm worn out. She's an excellent little girl. I have that book on my shelf and started reading it last night, and I think it will help me put some things into perspective.

Khrisday, good idea to let her help me clean up, I will do that next time she spills. Thanks.

Embee, thanks for your post, she loves playing in the sink too, it's nice to be able to let her just go wild. As for letting her pour her own, I always do, I hardly ever do it for her. I didn't let her yesterday b/c it was too warm and the bowl she was pouring from was very flimsy. So,there are just those times when I can't let her do it, and I was just looking for some advice on how to help her through understanding that as well.

And actually, I know you wouldn't know this from my post, but it doesn't usually bother me when she spills etc. I just had a bad day yesterday and probably shouldn't have even posted, I was just upset at the time. But I feel much better, it was just a bad day. Anyone else get those? :LOL

[Embee]

Hi Holly,

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better. (HUG) Indeed, I have my share of bad days. Like I said, on those days, the things he does that usually don't bother me will drive me nutz! Then I take a reality check, a deep breath and when he goes down for the night, I pour myself a nice glass of wine and get in the tub. I find moreover, that remembering to take care of myself does wonders for my sensitive mothering...

It must be so hard with everything going on--time is always rushing by with so much to accomplish. I hope you have time to do something nice for yourself... hang in there!

Em

[ilex]

Thank you Embee Yes, I certainly need to slow down once in awhile, or even stop just to recoop. But it looks like that won't be happening for a bit, there is so much going on right now. But I am also not very good at treating myself, something I need to improve on, for myself and my family. I am just about to go out the door to pick up my dh, then catch a ferry then check into a B&B so that we can look at a house for sale, then we come back to town tomorrow. But it's all good. I feel pretty good considering. Thank you again, and thanks for the reminder