I haven't read the book. From your description, it sounds like it very accurately describes some phenomena that are common, BUT it makes them sound universal and constant.
My impression is that maybe 2% of females really thrive on relational aggression and use it as their main method of structuring their social lives. A majority of girls go through one or more phases of experimenting with RA but don't get into it heavily in the long term. In any large group, RA swirls up from time to time, becoming a big problem that involves many of the females (and sometimes males) for a while, but then 98% get tired of it and choose to be friends with those who interact more positively with them and ignore those who don't. A sort of critical mass of refusal to participate in RA gets it to stop working for a while.
My personal experience: I was a "weird" and shy kid, often excluded, sometimes openly harrassed, BUT at least 60% of the negative attention came from boys. For example, I was terrible at sports; it was mostly boys who yelled taunts at me during gym class. All the physical violence against me (tripping, shoving, hair pulling) was done by boys. Most of the times something was set up to startle or embarrass me, although girls might be in the crowd summoned to prepare to laugh, a boy was in charge. Both sexes would invite me to join their group project and then make me do all the work while they goofed off, but hey--much as I resented it, that was an acknowledgement of my superior brainpower.
The only thing I can think of that girls did to me and boys didn't was to establish emotional intimacy with me so that I would tell some of my secrets, and then use those secrets to embarrass me. While that was extremely upsetting, it couldn't be done without telling me some of their secrets too, so the means of retaliation was obvious...and also, telling my secrets meant they had to admit they'd been hanging out with me, which threatened their own social status!
There were big swirls of RA in 3rd grade (some girls had a "club" that excluded others and projected a strong attitude of superiority) and 6th grade (one girl had a grudge against another, and all girls had to take sides) but I was not a focus of either one. I was excluded in 3rd and didn't care all that much; my neighborhood friend secretly continued to play with me and told me about the inner workings of the club, and it sounded dumb. In 6th, I was on the "side" that eventually decided to take the high road, quit attacking, maintain loving tolerance within our ranks, and welcome all defectors.
I think there are several ways to stop RA from getting to you too much:
1. Have multiple social networks. When one goes down, you still have the others. This is something I didn't really have myself as a kid in a small town where you encounter the same people whatever activity you join, but I got a lot out of my relationships with long-distance cousins and pen-pals. I envy my Girl Scouts, who attend 6 different schools among the 8 of them (and 2 who are at the same school are in different grades) so can use each other as sounding boards and sources of impartial advice on their social problems at school!
2. Be loved and valued by your family and feel safe at home. I did have this most of the time.
3. Have strong interests that you can pursue on your own, so that if everybody hates you this week, at least you have something to fill the time.
4. Be allowed to go places and do things by yourself. If you are not allowed to leave the house unless accompanied by family or friends, and people taunt you for being seen in public with your family, and all your friends have turned against you...there is nothing to do but stay home obsessing over your problems. But if you can go out for a hike alone or do a vital errand for yourself, you can gain strength and confidence and maybe find a fresh perspective.
5. Have at least one important woman in your life who is NOT
teaching you to be a frightened female.
6. Have teachers, parents, Girl Scout leaders, and other supervisory adults who, when RA is visible to them, DO SOMETHING about it, don't just shrug it off, don't tell you it's your fault, and especially don't participate in it themselves!!!
Try not to worry too much. Think in terms of teaching positive skills. Don't try to protect your daughter; build her immunity, and be ready to comfort her when something gets through it.
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