breastfeeding = low libido? - Page 2

[dara00]

yes I had that problem. things went back to "normal" after I stopped bfing. Doesn't mean I'd bf any less this time though, dh will just have to deal!

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Hokulele

DD is 21 months old, still nursing and I've had my period for 11 months now. Still no sex drive. My husband has been amazingly understanding about this. (He's the best!) But I hate not having that intimacy with him...

My question is, though, does anyone know of foods etc that would help get libido going?

Maybe this isn't a popular opinion, but what about just saying okay and letting it happen? Honestly, lots of times I have absolutely no interest when we get started but end up enjoying it at some point.

When I nurse my baby, sometimes I feel a pleasurable let-down and get all tingly ... sometimes I'm just waiting for her to doze off and unlatch so I can get a snack (or make love to my dh, when I'm in the mood). Regardless of how I FEEL -- I still nurse when she wants to. I don't see why meeting our mate's needs (even at times when we have less libido) has to be any different.

With small children, it's hard enough to coordinate lovemaking as it is ... having both children asleep and both of us still awake is rare (dh often goes to sleep before the rest of us because he has to get up early for work). So if we're both still awake -- if ONE of us is in the mood we go ahead and make it happen.

I'm not trying to sound harsh or anti-feminist ... it's just that I'm 42 and have gone through so many changes in my libido throughout my life. I think change is the only constant when you're a woman.

So I'm not going to let my libido dictate when I have intimacy with my husband.

[bumperbee]

Hey, I'm new here (just found out I'm pregnant with twins! yikes) I'm a little terrified of having a low libido with the pregnancy/ post partem/ breastfeeding and was hoping some of you could better explain it to me...

is the low libido you're experiencing now the same as during your first or third trimesters in pregnancy? Is it similar to being on hormonal birth control? (for those of you that have used it)

What helps you get into the mood? Do you schedule intimacy, eat certain things, just say yes and hope you get into it?

[ABrez]

I am so glad to see this thread. I love my DH dearly and feel so bad for him. DD is seven months and we have DTD maybe four times. I am just sooo tired!!
I am glad I am not the only one.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by bumperbee

Hey, I'm new here (just found out I'm pregnant with twins! yikes) I'm a little terrified of having a low libido with the pregnancy/ post partem/ breastfeeding and was hoping some of you could better explain it to me...

You're actually terrified of having a low libido? Oh, I don't want you to feel unwelcome, I realize you're new here, but this puzzles me.

I think I'm seriously out of the loop here. Is it just that I'm so much older than most new moms here, that I'm not understanding all the importance of libido? Is is really that terrifying, to younger moms, to go through phases where maybe you're more interested in sleep than you are in physical intimacy, but you just say okay and make love anyway?

Because you care about your husband and know it's important not to go too long without making the connection?

Oh, and congratulations, bumperbee!

[bumperbee]

physical intimacy is really important to me... it's the way I connect with my partner, and I guess I am afraid of losing it. Physical touch in general is important to me too, and the thought of being 'touched out' worries me a bit as well- as physical touch is my love language.

At the very least it the tension releaver when things are stressful, or when we're arguing about all the little things that can build up, and I know things will definitely be stressful when the babies come.

[mammal_mama]

You don't have to lose it!

Just being aware that you may have changes in your moods and libido, or may feel touched-out sometimes, can be such a help. If those changes happen (and it's not the same for everyone) -- you can recognize them as transitory, just something to live through, rather than seeing them as a guide to follow.

Just remember feelings are temporary -- relationships are forever ... with this in mind you can make the effort to connect in response to his needs, and think of it as an investment in the relationship, not as "putting out" or some other derogatory term.

[bumperbee]

thanks for the reassurance mammal-mama. I guess I was just surprised when I stumbled across this thread, as I hadn't thought about breastfeeding as any sort of barrier to intimacy. I do think my dh would be hurt if two years down the road there was little to no sex, and I just want to hear that it's possible to enjoy and want sex after baby. I realize I'm getting ahead of myself here... but I guess it's good to try and be emotionally prepared for all the things that might change.

[LolaK]

Well quite frankly low libido is nature's way of spacing babies. Many women who are nursing on demand will have at least a few months without a period and along with that often a low libido. That is healthy for you! The most healthy spacing of babies is to wait 18 months to get pregnant after you have given birth. How would that be possible if you popped out a baby and then wanted to have sex all the time.

So without sounding too harsh I really suggest that you find other ways of connecting with your partner because even if sex is really important to you and you make an effort to do it even when you don't feel like it you are not going to be having sex as much after you have a baby. That can certainly change after your body returns to normal, e.i. you get your period or you aren't nursing and nourishing another human being.

[bumperbee]

yeah, it makes perfect sense... I know that getting pregnant is more difficult when breastfeeding... I just didn't make the connection between suppressed ovulation and low libido (duh!)

I definitely agree with finding other ways to connect... I just don't want lack of sexual intimacy to be a barrier to me to extended nursing. It may happen that it isn't a big issue, but I just want to be prepared and want to learn about coping mechanisms so that I don't feel like it's an either/or situation, you know?

[mammal_mama]

I extended breastfeed and I don't find it interferes with my libido.

[joanq]

I didn't get mine back until I'd had an ovulatory cycle (my son was almost 1 1/2). For me it was very much hormonal, and breastfeeding definitely affected the hormones.

[mom2snugbugs]

Originally Posted by Hokulele

I'm right there with you. Thank you for this post. I had thought about asking this here, but got too shy to type it out.

:

I also have a low sex drive usually, but with two kids, tandem nursing, sahm and all that it entails, co-sleeping, being touched out- yeah! :

Originally Posted by Hokulele

My question is, though, does anyone know of foods etc that would help get libido going?

After ds was born, I used fenugreek to up my milk supply. 2 weeks pp and I was looking at my husband like a piece of chocolate cake!! It didn't do anything for my supply though.

[Ambyrkatt]

DS is 17 months, BF very frequently still, I don't have my cycles back and I have absolutely NO sex drive. DH is pretty understanding, though. Of course, DS has more energy than either of us combined, so he keeps us too exhausted to care!

[Flor]

I do have a problem with just doing it without feeling like doing it. It makes me sad/angry. It makes me feel distant from my dh at the same time he is feeling more connected to me. I don't understand why my dh would want to do it when I just want to sleep. I know that men and women are different, but I just can't understand that. I'd never want to do it with him if he was staring at the wall, or worse, just pretending to enjoy it. So, it did become an issue. While bfing, I was interested maybe one time a month. Of course we did it more, but sometimes I felt terrible. I was exhausted, touched out, and waiting for baby to go to bed so I could get some time to my self to read or knit. . .then dh shows up looking eager. I did feel bad about the entire situation. I bfed for 3.5 years. It did get better at 18 months when my period came back, but there was a big difference when he weaned. I'm also really sensitive to hormal birthcontrol. That lowers my libido, too.

[mammal_mama]

I certainly wouldn't stare at the wall or just pretend to enjoy it.

If I said I wasn't in the mood, dh would say okay and let it go. I just don't see a reason to put him off. It's pretty easy to just do it -- and if one of us happens to enjoy it more than the other, it doesn't make us feel less connected at all.

I'm trying to get a handle on this, because this isn't the first time I've encountered women who actually feel low libido is a barrier to sexual intimacy. Even if I'm tired, it's just not that hard to take that time to connect physically.

Sure, it's even better if I climax and get totally into it -- but even if I'm just too tired to get that into it, we hug and kiss, we're intimate, sometimes we make conversation for a while before drifting off to sleep. I've honestly never regretted just going ahead and doing it. And sometimes I start out tired, and end up enjoying it more than I thought I would.

[3for_me]

Oh I am so glad I am not alone. I try to "get in the mood" but nothing happens

[joanq]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

I certainly wouldn't stare at the wall or just pretend to enjoy it.

If I said I wasn't in the mood, dh would say okay and let it go. I just don't see a reason to put him off. It's pretty easy to just do it -- and if one of us happens to enjoy it more than the other, it doesn't make us feel less connected at all.

I'm trying to get a handle on this, because this isn't the first time I've encountered women who actually feel low libido is a barrier to sexual intimacy. Even if I'm tired, it's just not that hard to take that time to connect physically.

Sure, it's even better if I climax and get totally into it -- but even if I'm just too tired to get that into it, we hug and kiss, we're intimate, sometimes we make conversation for a while before drifting off to sleep. I've honestly never regretted just going ahead and doing it. And sometimes I start out tired, and end up enjoying it more than I thought I would.

I'm right with you. I will most of the time go for it and enjoy it, even if I didn't really feel in the mood in the first place. We've had some of our most intimate sex when I didn't think I was "in the mood".

[LolaK]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

I certainly wouldn't stare at the wall or just pretend to enjoy it.

If I said I wasn't in the mood, dh would say okay and let it go. I just don't see a reason to put him off. It's pretty easy to just do it -- and if one of us happens to enjoy it more than the other, it doesn't make us feel less connected at all.

I'm trying to get a handle on this, because this isn't the first time I've encountered women who actually feel low libido is a barrier to sexual intimacy. Even if I'm tired, it's just not that hard to take that time to connect physically.

Sure, it's even better if I climax and get totally into it -- but even if I'm just too tired to get that into it, we hug and kiss, we're intimate, sometimes we make conversation for a while before drifting off to sleep. I've honestly never regretted just going ahead and doing it. And sometimes I start out tired, and end up enjoying it more than I thought I would.

I think it's great that this worked for you but for some women sex is really painful before their body is fertile again. No matter how much lubrication you use it still hurts. That is 100% due to hormones.

Plus men don't die without sex. There are many, many other ways to connect and be intimate with your husband.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by LolaK

I think it's great that this worked for you but for some women sex is really painful before their body is fertile again. No matter how much lubrication you use it still hurts. That is 100% due to hormones.

I did experience pain the first few times EVER having sex, also initially when we resumed sex after the birth of our first -- but not since then.

That's good for me, since I have such a LOOOOONG infertile time while breastfeeding (and do child-led weaning). At least most women don't go as long as I do being infertile.