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how do you get rid of the anger? - Page 2

post #21 of 27
I hear that tiny voice often myself. Your dd has been your dd for 3 years (at least from what I've read)......it took me 3 years to really adopt my dss in my heart....now I hardly hear that voice! I accept my role as his mother and recognize that I took the job, he didn't ask for me to be his mother. Give it some time and follow your heart.




Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
no, you're right, I'm sure ego plays a part in this. I'm sure most SP and AP have a little of that 'I'm doing the job you resigned' kind of thing going on. But the flip side of it is the nagging thought that we aren't up to the job.

I think the family photos and scrapbooks are important, but it is funny how it annoys me that she idolizes her. I have to remind myself that like you said, it's important that she does feel this way.

Like there's this tiny little voice in me that says 'remember her, but I'm the one who is doing her job?'

amazing the flaws we find in our own character when dealing with kids.

8)
post #22 of 27
Quote:
Like there's this tiny little voice in me that says 'remember her, but I'm the one who is doing her job?'

But she knows it. Maybe she's to young to verbalize it or completely understand it but she'll know that you are her real Mom. If she doesn't idolize her BM than she has to deal with who her BM really was and that is much harder. She doesn't have her BM so what she creates in her head is all she has. When she gets older she'll understand more.

I think the way you feel is understandable but is it helping anything? The anger is hurting you so YOU have to make the CHOICE to forgive her.

Quote:
So, yeah, I am pretty convinced she intended to be saved, it just didn't work out that way.

I've met her family, and there is a long history of sexual abuse and mental illness, so I know on some level it wasn't entirely her fault, I just can't get over her doing that with the kids in the house.
She wasn't in her right mind. That's why she attempted suicide whether she thought she would be saved or not.
post #23 of 27
Thread Starter 
kindermamma and rosedotcom, you are both right. I have to find a way to view her with compassion and let it all go. Which brings me back to the original topic, how do I get past this anger? It even translates to being annoyed with my dd's personality traits she inherited, and it can't be healthy for dd who is already fragile.

It doesn't help that dh is still angry, either.

8(
post #24 of 27
It will help your dd if you can come to understand her bm's actions in terms of the mental illness that drove it.

My stbx is also mentally ill, also makes manipulative suicide gestures and attempts. But if you lived with him for six months you wouldn't be able to avoid seeing that he lives in a genuine, and apparently permanent, hell. I am well aware that he may successfully kill himself someday, and that if that happens all I'll be able to do is try to help dd live with that fact. Nausea and tragedy are part of that picture, sure. But blame and disgust, no. No one would choose the life, chemistry, call it what you will, that stbx has.

Maybe you're reacting to the unfairness of it. And of course it isn't fair. But no such thing was promised. If you're sane and together enough to be able to help a girl through the fallout of her mother's suicide, then you already got a big prize. that may not sound like much consolation, but next to the existence lived by people who're that sick, it's a tremendous gift. For all the grief and fear stbx causes me, I thank God every day that I don't live his life.

Your dd will probably grow up wondering if she'll do the same thing. Being able to see the differences -- the real differences -- between herself and her biomother will help reassure her while allowing her to know who her mother was.
post #25 of 27
Thread Starter 
thanks. for now I'm going with the therapist's suggestions, and we'll see how it goes. He thinks she's too young to know the truth, too, so for now if suicide comes up in a conversation I tell her sometimes people feel bad and don't get help, and that suicide is not a solution. Note, we don't tell her mommy killed herself, but when she asks questions we answer her w/o the specific reference to her. It's odd to me that a 9 year old asks suicide questions anyway, but I'm sure she has overheard some conversations she shouldn't have (with the aunts.)
post #26 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigeyes View Post
I hope when she's older she'll figure it out, but I may be waiting till she's at least 30, huh?(
And on that day, you will probably wish to go back to the point where she idolized her mother.

It can be horribly, horribly painful to watch a child accept ugly hurtful truths about their parents ... dead or alive. It is horrible to watch a child figure out that their parent didn't love them enough not to do whatever (give up drugs, stay around, support them, come to see them, stay alive).

If you are lucky, the child eventually gets to a healthy place where she has dealt with the pain and can go on. But it's painful watching a child get there and there is always a chance that she will spend her entire life yearning for the love her parent couldn't give.

So, don't begrudge her a second of her time believing that her birth mother loved her enough not to do something so profoundly damaging. She'll have to face the truth soon enough and it will hurt to watch her encompass the truth.
post #27 of 27
Thread Starter 
offwing, I am sure there is a lot of truth in your words. It's horrible when you can't prevent them from experiencing the painful realities of life. I just hope I handle things well when the time comes.
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