I feel like I'm wasting my time! In need of encouragement!

[mamaheids]

Hi all. I just need a bit of encouragement/advice on how to better communicate with DH about money stuff. Some background here: We just cleared ourselves of all of our credit card debt in January (our highest we ever got was $17,000) and I am very proud to say that. (Still have 1st and 2nd mortgages, student loans and a car payment.) Part of the reason we were in so much debt is because while DH will never ever miss any payments (our credit is good) he also is a major avoider and will put off talking to me about money/budget/etc. This also means that reciepts pile up and our checkbook is never balanced. I got so tired of it that last month I did the budget, and spent 2 hours trying to balance our checkbook (comparing against a bank statement) and still came up $200 off. (I assume multiple errors from months back got us there).DH has a new job as of last May, and recently got a raise. Because of this raise, he sort of thinks we just can slide by, spending as we please. He seems to think that if we overspend, we can just transfer money from savings to cover our butts. UGHHHH. (It used to be that we just used the credit card to cover our butts.)
Anyways $750 of our savings was eaten up last month- God knows where it went. When I asked him, he said "well we dont' have to worry about it because I'm making extra money this month". (He is in sales.)
I want to budget, spend consciously, build up savings and invest for DD's education and our retirement. I dont' want to go back to the way it was because of laziness.
I guess I am looking for strategies to keep a daily handle on things, spending etc. Communication strategies too.
How do you ladies do it?

[msjd123]

I know, I know. I married one too. WTG on getting out of debt, though. That rocks!!

Despite all good marriage advice to the contrary, I finally just told DH one day that from now on, I was in charage of money. I laid the ground rules, showed him the budget, took away his credit card (although it was actually his idea to do that), and I tell him when we're getting low in our account how much we have left so that he doesn't blow it. Some months are harder than others, and despite careful record-keeping, we still make a mess of things from time to time, but the messes are smaller and less common, so that's progress.

One thing that worked with my DH was to show him how much we have left at the end of the month, and then show him the wish list I keep on the computer. The wish list is just a list of things we need or want and how much each things costs. We have practical must-do things on there (getting the house painted, buying a new gate b/c the other one is termite-infested, buying a new car seat, etc.) and gee-that-would-be-lovely things (a night away for the two of us, a new shade for the family room, etc.) So, if I say, "Hey, we have $500 left over this month; let's put that toward the house-painting," he gets it. Otherwise, he just thinks, "$500?!? Party-time!" which is SO NOT HAPPENING if I have any say over it. This all makes me sound like a huge control freak, but it just got to a point where it was obvious that DH sucks at handling money. And, if he's bad at it and I'm good, why not let me handle things, KWIM? I just keep reminding him of the big picture and how our money can help us achieve our goals.

[camprunner]

I have had these issues with my dh as well. I have had to Create a budget, determine how much we had left after necessary expenses and come up with a long term plan. I told him I was funneling all the extra money out of our joint account and into an account with only my name on it. Not because I own it but because he had realized it wasn't so hard to walk into our local bank and with draw money. It's safe being in my name. Over the last few months we have put a small amount of savings in his name as well in such a way that he knows he can't touch it unless it is an absolute emergency.

Last month he look at our bank account right before pay day and it was empty which shocked him. He was so scared he left me four messages at work but calmed down after I explained that it looks like that every month. The "extra" money is in our emergency fund in my name only and in his small account.

Anyway here's our plan.

June 2007 Emergency fund is fully funded.
January 2008 Student loans paid off
June/July 2008 Land Loan Paid off.
January 2009 FIL paid back for lending downpayment for house.

When he has something to focus on then he gets it. Also I had to stop eating all but dinner (and that was in small amounts) last month due to overspending. I showed him that I was serious and he'd better be too. So far it is working.

It is very frustrating when dh's don't care about finances.

[mommy2two babes]

I agree with the PP. I eventually just took over our finances. It wasn't that my DH didn't care, he just has no concept of money. We come from two different experiences, he always got money from his parents and never had to worry about finacial things. He knew his parents would always be there to bail him out if he needed money. He never got a visa or anything( probably a good thing ) His parents gave him thier old vehicle. You get the picture. My parents owned thier own bussiness and I worked and earned my own money from a very young age. I saved and bought my all of my own things including my own vehicle when I turned 16. Started RRSP's at 18. ect
He would look at our accounts and think hey we have lots of money but not think about the actual ammount after the bills: . He always liked to have cash but never knew what he spent it on. He has a visa now and uses it if he needs to. Things have been alot smoother since I started dealing with the finances. I am not stressed out about money and he has the things he needs without having me ask where he spent X $ The only person not happy about the situation is my MIL but thats a whole nother story I know they say that those things should be shared but in certain situations it is better if it is taken care of by one or the other.
HTH
Krista

[Knittin' in the Shade]

yeah, you need to take over the finances. I'd probably take away his access to the savingss account, as well. In our house, the savings is for just that - saving, LOL! It's not for rescuing us from overspending.

I'd try to get him to use a debit card for everything, and make sure your bank offers online banking. That way, you don't have to go after him for all the receipts, etc; you can jsut download the info from the bank into something like quicken or microsoft money. MUCh easier to balance checkbook that way.

[velcromom]

It's a good idea to keep the back-up savings account separate and difficult to access. We actually have a savings in different bank in another town, with no ATM card linked to it. To spend anything out of it takes special effort.

[Emmeline II]

I would put his raise into a Roth IRA. That is what we do with dh's raises.

[mamaheids]

Thanks for your responses ladies. In all fairness to dh (I posted at a very low moment) he really tries. Neither one of us was raised with a huge awareness of money. While I'm not sure the answer is just for me to completely take over the finances, I do think a lot of the ideas will help. I like the "wish list" idea, as well as putting dh's raise (or part of it) away for investment. We have a separate bank for our mortgages and a tax escrow savings account there. We physically have to enter that bank in order to transfer/withdraw money, so I'm thinking that opening a money market account for our savings there will be a good solution. (Our other bank is where our checking/savings is with online banking.) I think we are also going to go back to the cash system (cash divided into envelopes for each part of the budget, except bills.) One last question. What is the best way to start saving for dd's education? We only have about $500 so far (gifts) in a regular savings account, but would obviously like something with better return and not able to withdraw on.

[siennasmom]

nak

529s are good for education savings:

http://www.savingforcollege.com/intro_to_529s/