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anyone ever give up once and for all on having a family? - Page 2

post #21 of 37
Boston, I'm sorry you are so down and I can relate to why you would be feeling so low. I've been a single mom for years and y'know I would never want to live with a man again. I'm happy on my own. Society tho seems to see me as an incomplete half as if these wonderful men in the world is all I need to make mine and my 3 dc's lives complete and oh so great. What a load of tosh. As women we are brainwashed into wanting traditional lives from birth and of course when our lives don't fit that we are somehow 'wrong' or 'incomplete'.And most deffo not supported. When my 2nd partner and father of my two youngest dc got very ill and went out of our lives, at time dc were 6, 2 and 1 yrs old, I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, I possibly did but I had to march on thru extremely difficult circumstances, homelessness, predatory males, addiction etc. I thought if only I could meet the right person( ex partners were abusive, things would sort out.
Well years down the line and yes we are skint and all that but our lives as a family are so greatly improved WITHOUT the obligatory male. There's been times when I've felt unable to go on, I'll tell you, doing everything myself, everything, I have no family, was fostered then rejected again, the endless round of no support can seem like it's going to destroy you. But like the pp says you really need to find peace and fullfilment within yourself first and I couldn't agree more, there are too many men out there who will likely ruin your families life rather than make it complete, and you are a family just not the patriarchal version imo if by chance you do meet someone who seems right, take care and look out for you and your dd first and foremost. It's always better to wait imo, you will find yourself and love yourself and be good to yourself.
You are probably pretty young and I too was gutted at being left on my own to bring up dc without the loving caring supportive presence of their father but he wasn't that anyway, he was an arse. You need to get out there, don't mope at home, get new interests, art, crafts, juggling, home decor, a pt job that pays ok , salsa dance etc don't cop out of your learning at school, in a few years things will be oh so very different. Childcare is seen by our society as a meaningless, boring pastime cos they don't care about kids or women but our work is very valid. It's easy to get worn down by it all thats why you have to take control now. You can enjoy being with dd thru this too instead of feeling down, love every day for what it is, you can get thru this, make your own rules.
post #22 of 37
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all the words..

I've been a single mom for almost 5 years. It's not new, but the feeling that it's not going to happen is new. I am not to blame for not having a good partner...it's not like I'm all confused inside about who I am and what I want and need. It just hasn't presented itself to me. And when I've sought it out, it wasn't there. I am not giving up in hopes that giving up will make me more likely to find it. I am giving up because I am really giving up. It's not healthy wanting it this badly for this long.

This is not the family I wanted. But yes, it is a family. Of course it is a family.

My daughter knows she's my #1. Everyone knows this without a shadow of a doubt. But yes it's lonley. It's quiet. I'm in a huge depression and I've got to scrape myself up and get better before I drag her down with me. She and I are both in therapy to make sure we're okay after the last breakup/boyfriend experience. I like her therapist, she's very intuitive.

Mine is good, too. She's been very helpful about why I do certain things, and she is helping me get some space from my pain.

I am really finally convinced it's not going to happen and it's an astonishing blow. I almost dropped out of school. I still might. I just need support that it's okay not to ever have what I always wanted. I need to get past the resentment because it's suffocating me. I am so angry at the world. I am so jealous of a few of my friends, whose lives took turns mine didnt. I feel so ashamed that I didn't manage to give her a sibling. I really wanted to do that.

My saturn return was last summer, I thought.
But maybe it's this one. Hmm.
IF that's whats going on, that makes some sense. I am having the mother of all crisises. (in my life so far, that is).

just trying to breathe and take it hour by hour.
thanks again. I'll be reading for tips on coping.
post #23 of 37
Your Saturn returns when you turn 30. It's a process, so the energy work can last a few years, of course.



Quote:
I am really finally convinced it's not going to happen
I gotta tell ya, that *is* a depressing thought. I'd be angry and depressed if that thought was running thru my head all day, too! The fact is that you don't know what's going to happen in your life. You're not dead, yet, so don't act like it.
post #24 of 37
boston - s



You're still young! Give it time...
post #25 of 37
Treading lightly here because this sentiment coming from someone else before it happened to me would have made me either roll my eyes, sneer or laugh out loud... but you really NEVER know what's going to happen. I hadn't necessarily given up the idea of finding a partner but I had totally given up the idea of having another baby... I thought that since there were NO prospects (and I mean zero) and how long it would/will take to get to know someone, etc.. that another baby would never be in the cards for me. I met someone of off Match in February that I feel in my heart I am going to marry and have at least one baby with (I mean, I'm still going to give it time and we're not anywhere near making official plans, but we both just know). If someone told me in January I was going to be very seriously entertaining marriage/baby thoughts in March, I would've died laughing. But here I am and here he is and it's totally real... so, ya just never know.

ETA: I'm 29 just like you Boston.
post #26 of 37
There's no way to predict when anything will happen. That's life. You may not have found the love of your life by age 29; you may find him at age 32, 41, or yes, perhaps not at all (though it's highly unlikely you won't ever find anyone you enjoy!). But since you're still young, and life will happen, and you will have experiences and meet people, I don't see it as a decision that it will never happen, because none of us can know. I look at it this way: the marriage didn't work out, but at least I have a child! I would have been devasated if I couldn't have had a child (though then I would have looked into adoption).

I hope you're able to break free of the depression.
post #27 of 37
post #28 of 37
Taking off from what Miss Lotus was saying, I had this vision. You know, the kid who is drug, with much complaing, to the "stoopid" family picnic with all the "stoopid" cousins, and the "stoopid" lawn games. She'd so much rather be at the mall with all her friends. So she sits there, off to the side, arms crossed, legs crossed, brow furrowed, absolutely, resolutely determined no-matter-what to not have a good time : . And someone approaches, brings her some food, a drink, a little cousin approaches with some cute thing they want to show her. And her arms uncross. And her brow unknits. And, wait, what's that, a smile is sneaking across her face. By the end of the evening she's out there, grass stains on her knees, giggling away at a goofy game of intergenerational badminton. Somewhere in there, she forgot her vow of misery. The picnic wasn't her idea, but she enjoyed it nonetheless.
post #29 of 37
You know, it sounds trite and hokey, but let me just say, this has got some merit. The moment you release yourself from constantly focusing on one specific hope, that really has no bearing on how hard you work for it, will be the moment everything changes for the better.

For example, as a teen i wanted a boyfriend so badly. I didn't actively do a lot about it (because, really, what can you do?) but i was always wishing, hoping, dreaming, fantasizing about it. But the moment (in college) i stopped and looked at myself and felt like i realized that dream would NEVER happen, and moved on? Was the moment i met my first, and only. (please, let's not focus on the fact that he changed, horribly.) And it was wonderful, and everything i wanted/needed/hoped for.

And i'm in the same place you are now. Because as stupid as i might sound, he was the one for me. He screwed up, but that doesn't change the fact that i know he was it.

So now i'm faced with the knowledge that my DS will be an only child, and that i won't ever have the family i wanted. Even if someone could convince me that i'll find that special someone who will love DS as his own child, it's still not the family i wanted, because it doesn't involve my H any longer. And that,.. that's so incredibly hard to handle. Never mind knowing that i'll be alone in this for the long haul.

BUT, there's that part of me that hasn't quite given up. (again, i know i'm stupid! : )

I truly believe though, that at the end of your mourning period, when you're good with yourself again, that something amazing will happen. Because only then will you be ready for that next chapter in your life.

I know it's hard, and i'm not at all in any way trying to minimize your heartache. I just,.. thought i'd try to cast a ray of sunshine through those dark clouds. This will make you a better 'you'. Better mother, better friend, better family member, and better potential mate. So work your way through this dark time, let all the emotions run their course, and see how amazing it is at the other end of the tunnel. You'll make it through.
post #30 of 37
Thread Starter 
I need for people to stop saying "it will happen" in any context whatsoever. How can I ever let it go if people keep dangling it in front of me?
post #31 of 37
YES. I completely understand. Especially since in my case, i truly still believe that my H was the one and only for me. And that since he screwed it up, i'm going to be alone. I'm not saying i'll never find anyone, i'm saying i DID, and now i'm alone. I do not think i made a mistake marrying him, or having a child with him. We were supposed to have many children, and i'm angry that he's stolen all of that from me. But if i were to ever tell anyone that, they would say "Oh you'll find someone great, i just know it." But i know i won't, and it's frustrating.

And i don't even mean that you will find that after going through this, you will realize that dream. I just mean, there's something amazing out there for you, and you haven't even envisioned it yet. It may, or may not be what you now believe is your hearts desire. But your life isn't over yet. And there's lots of amazing stuff to come.
post #32 of 37
I hear what you are saying completely. I am 33, almost 34 and a single mom to a 3yr old ds. This is definately not what I envisioned my family life to be and I know it is hard to be patient. I totally know how you feel.

Right now I am just focusing my energy on trying to be happy with myself and give myself credit for what I have accomplished. Hopefully with my renewed positive energy someone will be lucky enough to find me and become part of my family.
post #33 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by boston View Post
I need for people to stop saying "it will happen" in any context whatsoever. How can I ever let it go if people keep dangling it in front of me?
Ok, you are right...it won't happen for YOU. With your negative thoughts/feelings and determination to 'give up,' then you are correct. It will NOT happen for YOU.

BUT...I am saying this directly to you, in addition to emphasizing the you, because I would never want another poster in the same frame of mind to not be positively affected by the amazing, positive, hopeful posts written on here by others, who have btdt.

In regards to helping you cope...I honestly, and sincerely, wouldn't know what to say. I don't believe in giving up and throwing in the towel, especially about an unknown future.

All the best and I truly hope you are able to come to some peace of mind about your choice.
post #34 of 37
I don't think anybody is saying it will happen. I think what we're saying is allow yourself
to open to the possibility that you don't know what will happen, and love that journey all
the same.

I feel like instead of rejecting the dream of being with somebody we're asking you to try
rejecting the attitude that it's a failure, or something to give up at all.

Instead of giving up the dream of having a loving partner, give up the dream that a loving
partner will change your happiness. Yes being in a loving relationship can give us more
joy, but it can't create the joy.

Instead of putting the focus on letting go of the "dream" let go of the fantasy. The fact is
in your posts you don't seem happy with your current situation. Add a loving relationship
to that, it's only a band-aid. Not a healing of your soul.

Now if your focus is less on letting go on a dream of a loving relationship and more on
creating a loving relationship within yourself, then IF a relationship comes your way, it's
a bonus, not a solution to finding your dream.

My Dad just lost my Mom, the love of his life, last September, after a 7 year illness. He
is now in a new relationship with a really nice woman. How sad if after he lost my Mom
he said "it won't happen again". My Dad is 69 years old. He was married to my Mom for
46 years. If you would have told him that he would be in another relationship after my
Mom's death he would have laughed at you.

I might not ever be in a loving relationship with a man. I might never get married. I
can't predict what good and bad will enter my life. I can predict and control how I react
to my life.

If you call off the dream all together, your rejecting the possibility of it ever happening.
It seems like your doing this out of fear. We aren't asking you to keep the dream, we're
asking you to let go of the fear of the future. Any future.

We're all saying what we say out of love and concern.
post #35 of 37
I have a family- myself and my 3 children! I don't need a man to "complete" my family- it's already complete.

Of course, my 10 and 12yos are old enough to help with household stuff, and even with a certain amount of childcare, so I'm no longer doing it all "alone." Plus I have my parents living right downstairs. It does make a difference.

To the OP: I think you need to mourn the loss of the "dream family", and work through that grief, so that you'll be in a place to appreciate what you DO have.
post #36 of 37
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
I think you need to mourn the loss of the "dream family", and work through that grief, so that you'll be in a place to appreciate what you DO have.
Yes. I'm doing this now. It's very hard to see past this step. It is exactly like grief. But with shame mixed in.

I'm in mourning, and that's ok. Thank you all for your insights. Even the posts that are focused on me finding someone, which I do not want to do anymore, even those contained bits of help in them. Thanks for taking the time to share it. I'll stay tuned.
post #37 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by boston View Post
I'm in a huge depression and I've got to scrape myself up and get better before I drag her down with me. She and I are both in therapy to make sure we're okay after the last breakup/boyfriend experience. I like her therapist, she's very intuitive.

Mine is good, too. She's been very helpful about why I do certain things, and she is helping me get some space from my pain.
boston, I am really hearing this depression piece loud and clear in your posts. If you have a clinical depression, that can have a power all of its own. I am so glad you are in therapy. I wish you space from your pain.
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