Need advice on talking to my previous MW (long)

[Undercover Hippie]

This is not about the PG really, but maybe some of you will have had an experience like this and have some advice.

My last birth was a HB with a great midwife. I would recommend her, no problem. I had a PPH and she handled it so well that I was never scared at all and we didn't have to transport. But for several reasons I am not choosing her as my MW this time. My birth philosophy has changed over the last 3 years and what worked before is not what I want again. I can't/don't want to express these thoughts to my previous MW because they are my personal feelings, not issues with the way she practiced--yet they could come out as criticisms.

There are other more obvious and easier reasons for going with a new MW this time. For one thing we have moved and while my previous MW was my only choice for a HB before, now there are lots of MWs to choose from who live closer than she does. Plus since the move I began working as an assistant with a MW here and I have gotten to know her very well. It makes more sense to choose her as my MW because of the experiences we've had together.

So, I need to call my old MW and tell her about this PG and tell her I won't be using her. I've been putting it off but I definitely need to do this. We keep in touch somewhat, like we both guest lecture at a certain class each semester, we chat on the phone maybe twice a year, I send her a card around Christmas, etc. I can't just send her a card next year with a picture of a new baby in it and not have ever told her we were expecting! But I'm worried about how she will take the news. I know through the grapevine that she has issues with the MW who my new MW apprenticed with, and that when my new MW called my previous MW and asked to work with her (so she could gain more experience), my previous MW was kind of rude to her. Follow that? LOL.

I guess I am just worried, based on MW politics, that I am going to offend my old MW and lose her as a valuable resource/friend. Or that the more personal issues are going to surface during the conversation and it will become very awkward. Plus I want to pick her brain about the last birth and the PPH, maybe any records she has... again, feels awkward!

How would you approach this?

[GinaRae]

I would approach this as honestly as you have just now (leaving out the part where she was rude to another MW).

"My philosophies have changed and I am working with someone closely. I want to share my news with you as I am so excited, and want to tell you about my choice to change MW. But it makes me sad because I don't want you to take it in a negative way and I don't want to lose your friendship."

Something like that. Being open, honest and up front. Lay it all out there. If she chooses to be unkind or unprofessional, it really is a reflection on her personality I think. Of COURSE she will be disappointed, but she should rise to this and be supportive.

[WeasleyMum]

It would be interesting to know how your philosophies have changed, esp. considering that you were already down with the homebirth/MW thing but haven't migrated to Unassisted Childbirth. It might help other posters here with the advice they give you?

Oh also, what is a PPH?

[Undercover Hippie]

Originally Posted by WeasleyMum

It would be interesting to know how your philosophies have changed, esp. considering that you were already down with the homebirth/MW thing but haven't migrated to Unassisted Childbirth. It might help other posters here with the advice they give you?

Oh also, what is a PPH?

I guess I have changed from wanting my MW there for hands-on guidance and support, to wanting the MW to just be the lifeguard... willing to stand back and watch (or even hang out in the other room) and only jump in if she sees something going wrong or if we call for her. And instead of a philosophy of "I'm going to do xyz intervention until it is proven not to be helpful" I am more a fan of "I'm not going to do xyz until it is proven to be helpful." If that makes sense.

I am actually drawn to unassisted birth but because of my postpartum hemorrhage (PPH) last time I don't think it is the best choice. So I want someone who really doesn't mind doing nothing. Not every MW is suited for that and I don't think my old MW is. But if you have ever read any posts by Pamamidwife or read her blog, she is pretty much exactly what I want and my new MW is very much like that also.

[shelley4]

honestly, i would leave out the philosophy change (although it totally makes sense!) and make it about a distance thing.. the new MW is closer, etc. the old MW may be disappointed, but hopefully will understand. if you make it about your philosophy change, she might take that negatively, no matter how politely you phrase it..

[Momma Aimee]

i had to tell our CNM from last time we were going with an OB -- her former back u -- this time.

I would write as short cute card and fouse on teh joy of expecting another baby -- and say "we loved birthing with you last time, the way you handled things was excellenct and more than we could have hped. This time we are going to birth with X. it just works better for us since she is closer and since i am working with her now. can't wait to talk to you again soon and see you too".

just use the closer and the working with her as reasons.

I have the smaw thing going, i was for a while going to LLL at my old doulas meeting -- she is leader. we've just always assumed she'd doula for us next time, she knew we were TTC.... I haven't told her we are PG -- we don't want her to doula again, and i have to decided if i want to maintain any level of freindship or not -- leaniung towards not -- buttttttttttttttttttttttttt the birth community here is soOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo TINY I fear if i choose a differnt doula she will hear about it -- but at the same time i am sure she will hear about our pregancy too.....cuz of our old CNM knowing....

yikes the politics of birth --- if the NB communities weren't sooooooooooo smalla nd "intermixed" we would not have these issues. i do not know anyong who had a standard hosptial birth, then changed OBs worrying.

Aimee

[Undercover Hippie]

Thanks ladies. You are pretty much echoing my thoughts and it is good to have the reinforcement while clarifying my plan. Now I just need to actually make the phone call. *gulp*

[bloomingmomma]

I agree with the previous posts, especially with Shelly4. I was actually in the receiving end of this situation. An aquaintance/friend brought her daughter to see me for eczema/impetigo, which we cured, but a little while later she called to politely inform me that she was now bringing her daughter to see a colleage of mine who practiced nearer to her home. I did take it personally and wondered what I'd done wrong- I was in my first year of practice at the time (which may have been why she wanted another -more experienced- practitioner). Anyway, I responded to her that that of course it was fine for her to choose what works best for her family- and we remain friendly. No (major) hard feelings. I think you should assume that your 1st midwife will behave professionally and respect your choice.