Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 7

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by rupiezum

BTW... DD is 4 1/2. How old are your kiddos, everyone?

DD just turned 14 months.

Originally Posted by Sonnenwende

My daughter is 15.5 months old.

We just finally have broken a 7 week cycle of illness and teething, teething and illness. She has actually been very, very good this entire weekend. I want to have a party and knock on a lot of wood.

Oh and my husband is going in for his vasectomy next week. No, not looking forward to the carefree sex at all....

Ah..our babes are just about the same age. Teething. Ugh. We've had a reprive for the past few months. She cut the bottem and top 4, plus all four molars....almost at once. It was god awful. I am *literally* thankful we've had no sickness. (One cold this winter)

*Maybe keeping her in that bubble helps....*

PLEASE share your DH's vasectomy experience. I think it's related to this forum, since you gotta do something if you want an only! My DH is looking at the end of the month for his.

Originally Posted by WillyMom

DS is 11mo.
So, some of the other reasons we are considering (95%sure) only one:
I was never one of those girls who always dreamt of the husband and house and tons of kids. I never dreamt of the wedding. I just kind of did my thing. When DH and I were togerther for 6 years we were having some wine and thought "should we get married?". At the wedding thoughts of kids didnt even enter our mind. We bought a house and I was 30 and it felt like maybe something was missing, so we got a dog. A few years later, we thought, maybe we should have a baby. One week of unprotected sex and the decision was made
Neither of us come from big families with lots of babies around. We have been basically flying by the seat of our pants. I think I am a good Mom and DH is great but its not completely natural to us. We dont know if we really could handle another. DS seems a bit sensitive and we worry that a sibling could bully him or take away that extra attention that he needs and craves. DS loves to be held and always wants our attention. The second night in the hospital he needed to be held all night. I was so exhausted that I sent him to the nursery for a few hours in between feedings (which I regre , and the nurse told me that he had to be held the whole time. His first night home I sat up holding him all night (this is before I figured out cosleeping ). I finally figured he was only happy being held and began to baby wear and co-sleep. Still at 11 months there are times in the day where he plays for a minute then just literally crawls all over me asking to be held and how could I say no? Now, I dont know if this means he is sensitive and will continue to be but for me it means he needs me, a lot of me.
Also, and I don't want to offend anyone with this so please don't take this the wrong way. I suffer from basic anxiety and while pregnant I was very, very anxious about the health of the baby. I stressed so much about whether or not the baby would be healthy because I honestly dont feel that I could handle it other wise. The anxiety, while unwarranted was real and put a real strain on DH and took away from the joy of a very normal and healthy pregnancy. The anxiety didnt go away for about 2 months after DS was born. I dont know if I could go through that again. It was really bad.
Most of all, this just feels right! Yesterday DH and heard a song we loved and were dancing and Ben looked up and smiled. We picked him up and danced with him. He was so happy. It just felt so great and there was NOTHING missing. It felt so complete

Another close in age baby...cool. You sound like us. I was like, um honey I'm 33. I think we oughta think about this baby thing.

I'm not sure why you thought others would be offended about your anxiety. It can be a serious and life-changing medical disorder, which often requires treatment and/or counseling. (Can you tell I've worked in the mental health field??) I know constant anxiousness can be debilitating and even life threatening when it leads to panic attacks etc... I'm so glad to hear it has resolved.

Glad you had a nice weekend!

[karlin]

My son will be 4 in September!

Dh had his vasectomy in April. He had very little pain or swelling or anything. It went very well. He had the no-scalpel method, which I hear is the best.

[WillyMom]

Its not that I was concerned that my anxiety would offend. I didnt want to offend Moms of children with special needs or sick babies with my anxiety of my child being sick. I know every child is a gift!

[female18-]

Hi again ladies
Finally done reading every post in this thread!
I might be the youngest here, im 18, ds is 4.

Growing up I hated having siblings, we fought constantly and almost hated eachother, I longed to be an only child.
I never wanted just one child myself because I love babies and kids so I wanted lots, but not all close in age like we were.

After the reality of the responsibility a child is, and coping mostly on my own, on a low income, I decided I didnt want anymore.
The other reason is my health issues. I have anxiety, depression and a very debilitating, painful stomach illness. That makes it a whole lot harder to be a good parent to my son, I know I couldnt cope with having anymore. A lot of days I dont cope too well as it is.

Lately I think about wanting to have a second child, especially when I see babies or find out someones pregnant. But its definately not the right thing for me to do anytime soon. MAYBE once all my health issues are resolved (if they ever are ) I might consider it and want to try, but for now one child is all I can manage.

I guess the only thing I worry about, is if I died suddenly through a car accident or something... it would be better for ds to have a sibling to go through it with him and understand how he feels etc. But thats not a good enough reason, and besides that, the sibling could have an accident and die! There's no guarantees, so unless I really want to have one, go through pregnancy and all that over again, and feel better health wise, Im staying a mom of one.

p.s It was really interesting reading everyones thoughts on this subject

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by rupiezum

DH hasn't told anyone in his family that he got a vasectomy, because he knows they'd have a fit. It gives us a secret giggle every time we get crap about having the next baby, though.

his parents were totally fine with it. my mom's the one we hide it from. she introduced someone to me at a party the other day as "this is pat's friend maryann. she has fifteen grandchildren!" i responded "what am i, a machine?" :

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by N8'sMom

....and then when my parents get older and pass away, it'll be ONLY me that will deal with that. That will be hard.

i'm sure it will. it's also really hard to do it with a sibling who fights with you about every financial or care decision, or who moved away years before and now neglects any responsibility or concern whatsoever.

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

Do onlies prefer or enjoy "the spotlight" more than others. (It's a generalization I know)

i guess i've always heard that before too, but it never made sense to me. i think i probably crave more attention because i was always vying for it with my brother. casi gets all the attention he wants, pretty much whenever he wants, so his cup seems to stay consistently filled.

[bluetoes]

Originally Posted by katheek77

I read your whole post, I swear.
But, I've always wanted a beetle, and my car is going to need to be replaced in the next year or two...
Does it work out ok as far as having the car seat in the back, and only two doors, and all that jazz? (The one thing keeping me from the beetle, is I kind of thought, "Yeah. No WAY I'm wrestling a baby into a car with no back doors"). Then again, DH has a Jeep Wrangler, and we just put her in through the trunk, so....

Seriously, though, it works out ok? Or would you change it if you could?

It worked fine until this weekend. We moved the wee man into his 'big boy' car seat. Since we're going to keep him rear facing as long as possible (paranoia and hypervigilance, more acute in mothers of only children!) it just isn't going to work. Once he's front facing we'll manage but for the next 10 months or so I will have to swtich cars with my husband since he has a 4 door which is easier to fit the stroller in. I refuse to buy a new car since we are 3 years into paying of a 5 year car loan and it only has 25k miles on it.

One thing I must say when people suggest having more than one child will take the burden off when we get old - there is really no guarantee. My MIL has three siblings but she bore the brunt of caring for her dad when he got very very old and sick.

I was very clucky again this weekend. Must be ovulating~!

[caspian's mama]

my dude turned 4 on 6/3.

dh's V went quite well. i think he also had some type of laser, not a scalpel. he only had a local too, and i think watched part of it, or at least got to see the piece of the tube that was removed. eww. he did have a little swelling and bruising for a bit afterward, but that might be due to him not being able to baby himself as much as necessary. we lived with my mom at the time and told her he pulled his groin and hurt his back. silly, but i couldn't deal with the inevitable meltdown if we'd have told her. :

i have a friend at work whose daughter is 8mos. when she brings her in, i always tell katie i need a "baby fix". there were a buncha tots under a year old at our mamas' solstice potluck. it was so nice to bask in their sweet, pure energy for the night... then go home and cuddle up with cas.

[female18-]

Quote:
Originally Posted by N8'sMom
....and then when my parents get older and pass away, it'll be ONLY me that will deal with that. That will be hard.

Originally Posted by caspian's mama

i'm sure it will. it's also really hard to do it with a sibling who fights with you about every financial or care decision, or who moved away years before and now neglects any responsibility or concern whatsoever.

Good point. But what comes to my mind there, is what if your only child doesnt want to bother and neglects any responsibility. Then theres no other siblings to step in. If you have more children, theres a better chance at least one of them will accept that responsibility.

[AntMom]

Originally Posted by rupiezum

You know, I feel like it doesn't matter what choices you make - onlies or multiples, far spaced kiddos or kiddos who are only a year apart - there's going to be ups and downs no matter what. So all you can do is make the choices that are right for you and your family, and then deal with it. KWIM?

ITA--doing what is right for you and your family is best. It can be good or bad either way. Also, you never know what the future holds, anyway. Our kids could marry into huge families. Although I was an only, my dad had a second daughter when I was 26, so technically I'm not an only anymore, although my half-sis is more like a niece. Families come in all shapes and sizes and life changes constantly.

Originally Posted by rupiezum

BTW... DD is 4 1/2. How old are your kiddos, everyone?

My little man is 4 1/4, and there is so much more we can do with him now. I think it would be very hard to start over from the beginning with another.

The other day we were at a park, and his friend wanted his mom to push him on the swing, and she told him no, she had to feed his baby brother. My ds came over to me and said, "I'm so glad we don't have a baby. I want you to always be able to push me on the swing." Then he went over and pushed his friend so he would stop crying.

Yes, I always want to be able to push him on the swing! lol. Just got back in from doing that, as a matter of fact.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by female18-

Good point. But what comes to my mind there, is what if your only child doesnt want to bother and neglects any responsibility. Then theres no other siblings to step in. If you have more children, theres a better chance at least one of them will accept that responsibility.

I guess I wonder what "responsibility" you're meaning....like end of life stuff for parents?

I won't expect my child to care for me or make these decisions. That's what Living Wills, attorneys and planning ahead are for. My personal choices for healthcare, money and estate planning are already done...even if DH and I were to pass away today.

So, there's (again) another interesting thing about the only situation. Perhaps some parents of multiple children assume someone will take care of it, so they don't plan ahead.

[swissmiss]

My ds is also 4.5 yrs old.

I really appreciate moms on this thread saying that they have enough stress with one kid, let alone more than one. That's how I feel but it is so taboo to say it IRL. Especially if you are a SAHM. And someone even mentioned not wanting to or being able to (sorry, I'm tired, it's nighttime here in Europe) spread the great love she has for her only on to other siblings. I can totally relate. But again, that would sound weird if you said it out loud IRL. : Like you are hoarding all your love and giving it only to this one person.

[Sonnenwende]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

DD just turned 14 months.
Ah..our babes are just about the same age. Teething. Ugh. We've had a reprive for the past few months. She cut the bottem and top 4, plus all four molars....almost at once. It was god awful. I am *literally* thankful we've had no sickness. (One cold this winter)

*Maybe keeping her in that bubble helps....*

PLEASE share your DH's vasectomy experience. I think it's related to this forum, since you gotta do something if you want an only! My DH is looking at the end of the month for his.

Heh, I had to put her in daycare when we moved back to the states so I could work. My daughter hadn't had any contact to children before just because of circumstance. She managed to immediately catch:

1) Cold
2) Roseola
3) Pinkeye

Just as soon as she would be over one of those, teething would come roaring in. : Everything is better now, but I wanted to jump off a bridge many times in the past two months.

I will let you all know how it goes with my husband's vasectomy. We are both looking forward to it.

The other day we were at a park, and his friend wanted his mom to push him on the swing, and she told him no, she had to feed his baby brother. My ds came over to me and said, "I'm so glad we don't have a baby. I want you to always be able to push me on the swing." Then he went over and pushed his friend so he would stop crying.

When we started looking at the future, when we would be able to have a second child, we were looking at numbers like 4-7 years down the road being completely realistic with ourselves. Then we thought about how much of a drag it would be on us and our daughter who has just gotten old enough to *really* do things with us to have an infant again. Just not an appealing idea at all.

[DeeCee]

I'm so glad to have found this tribe. I've read every post, and am re-reading with my DH. We'l post more later, I just wanted to say thanks!

[Sonnenwende]

Originally Posted by DeeCee

I'm so glad to have found this tribe. I've read every post, and am re-reading with my DH. We'l post more later, I just wanted to say thanks!

Welcome aboard!

[icequeenash]

This is the tribe for me!

I have one son, 3.5, and while I love children, I have no desire to have any more biological children. I have done non-relative placement twice (fostered children I knew prior to DCF seizing them), and while I enjoyed the experience, and would do it again, the goal was always reunification. The children have since return to their parents and I maintain relationships with them.

I have a partner who is not my son's father, and is completely supportive when I let him know I did not plan anymore children, and would take appropriate measure to prevent as much.

I once thought I would have a whole broad, but many circumstances have changed and I'm perfectly content with the family I have.

Each milestone my son reaches I have a bit of sadness, as that period is over, but overall I'm thrilled at his independence and don't need to "re-live" the baby stage with subsequent children.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by DeeCee

I'm so glad to have found this tribe. I've read every post, and am re-reading with my DH. We'l post more later, I just wanted to say thanks!

Hi there! Glad you're hear and anxious to hear your experiences.

Originally Posted by Sonnenwende

When we started looking at the future, when we would be able to have a second child, we were looking at numbers like 4-7 years down the road being completely realistic with ourselves. Then we thought about how much of a drag it would be on us and our daughter who has just gotten old enough to *really* do things with us to have an infant again. Just not an appealing idea at all.

Wow, you couldn't have said it better. I'm already excited to do so many things with DD. As an only, some of my most cherished childhood memories are trips and adventures with my parents and grandparents. Since my parents just had me, they could afford more vacations and to more exotic locations.

Originally Posted by icequeenash

This is the tribe for me!

I have one son, 3.5, and while I love children, I have no desire to have any more biological children. I have done non-relative placement twice (fostered children I knew prior to DCF seizing them), and while I enjoyed the experience, and would do it again, the goal was always reunification. The children have since return to their parents and I maintain relationships with them.

I have a partner who is not my son's father, and is completely supportive when I let him know I did not plan anymore children, and would take appropriate measure to prevent as much.

I once thought I would have a whole broad, but many circumstances have changed and I'm perfectly content with the family I have.

Each milestone my son reaches I have a bit of sadness, as that period is over, but overall I'm thrilled at his independence and don't need to "re-live" the baby stage with subsequent children.

Welcome to you as well. It's great to see so many folks coming to the "only" tribe.

I completely understand about the milestone sadness. I try to cherish each one...I try to fix a mental picture of her in my mind at each age.

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

I completely understand about the milestone sadness. I try to cherish each one...I try to fix a mental picture of her in my mind at each age.

I feel this way too - it's a mix of "we're never going to have to go through again" and "we'll never get to go through that again." Some stages are very easy to leave behind, and some make you wistful.

Like bf'ing, for example. I knew when we weaned that this was it, there would never again be nursies. This was such a huge important thing in our relationship, and it was wrenching when we were done, for all three of us.

[rambunctiouscurls]

my dd is 10.5 months old.

dh thinks I will change my mind but does want to get the big v in five years. We are ok until then since I am on the iud.

I'm pretty sure I won't *change my mind*. I too met a newborn baby last week and although I missed having a baby who would just sit on my lap and could nurse for an hour (while I read or watched a show) now, I have an acrobatic nurser who takes breaks every 30 secs. but still, those days were really hard on us ( with dd having colic/constant screaming). And this stage is quite wonderful. she is soo much more playful and interactive and has such a big personality. I KNOW I do not want to relive the baby stage ever again.

And about the responsiblilty thing: i do not expect dd to make decisions for us or care for us when we are older. I can't imagine having more dc's so I could have more ppl to shoulder the "responsiblity of caring for us.

Another thing that ppl seem to worry a lot about is "having more than one so that if anything happens to one, you still have more kids". I actually even read that in a mainstream parenting magazine :
I watched a neighbour of mine face serious depression when her dd passed away. she still had 2 more dc's. Believe me, having multiple dc's did not make it any easier for her to deal with her dd's passing. If anything, she felt a lot of guilt for not giving her the attention that she gave her younger dc's.

A pp put it best. There are pros and cons to all kinds of families so it really is upto each family to decide what's best for them.