Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 70

[alexisyael]

Hi LCB! I'm not in the same shoes as you (in fact, we're sort of waffling on our choice to have an only... we've stopped using birth control, but we're NOT actively trying. Just being open to getting pregnant if it happens before my husband gets a vasectomy in February. I'm not expecting that'll lead us anywhere, but it's nice not worrying about it either way! I was a TTC mama for too-long last time, I'm determined to never go through that again.)

I do think, however, that the bigger issue in your question is honesty. I think that will also erode a marriage, not beinging able to tell your partner that you feel you can't have more than one child. And I'll be honest, I do know a marriage that seems to be eroding b/c one of the partners wants more kids and the other made it clear from day one he only wanted one child... that's my interpretation, tho -- there are SO MANY variables to a marriage... cam amyone outside (heck, even inside!) know exactly what happened to end it? I don't think so!

Also, and I'm just throwing this out there: my husband and I were extremely set on having only one child (because of the touchedoutness, the overwhelm etc...) until just after our son turned three. And then? Something changed. Now we'll be happy either way. I'm not saying that happens to everyone (or even ANYONE else! We're very very weird in this decision making process, I haven't met anyone who's doing the same thing as us and no one seems to understand it.) but it is my experience and I know that a 13 month old is a very different child than a three year old.

I hope that helps a little...

[majikfaerie]

LCB, initially, my DP wanted to have more kids - 3 more or less. slowly slowly, it took time, but he's come around. Just be patient. let him read this thread maybe, when he's ready. there are a whole boatload of reasons not to have more children, that can be very persuasive to the analytical mind. Just look at it with him, and go through his reasons for wanting more. it could be that he's never really thought about it, just that it seems like "the thing to do". or it could be that he shows you what's in his heart, and his reasons, and you decide that you also want more.

It's just something you need to work out together. and there's no reason at all to start TTC now. 2 years is a very small age gap; loads of people deliberately wait 3-4 years between kids, or more! why not just wait till you're *both* ready for another child. it might be tomorrow, it might be in 5 or 10 years. it might be that you both decide not to have more.

but if you don't talk about it, you risk falling into the trap of not making a decision, which is a decision in itself.

also, be open to the possibility of things changing down the line

HTH

[LCB]

Thanks Alexis and Majik. You both made excellent points. I did talk to DH yesterday and just said that alot of the time I don't feel like I'm going to want to do this again but that probably has at least something to do with being tired and so forth. He is very understanding so we're going to she's 2 and talk again. I also saw a little family with two daughters out playing in our neighborhood and they were just darling, and I thought, well maybe I could handle two. So the potential is still in there somewhere I guess.

[mistymama]

I thought ds would always be an only - he's Aspergers and has been very high needs ever since he arrived!! But he's almost 7 now, and guess what? I'm ready for another - I feel I can handle a baby again and really want to ttc. Dh is not on board so I've got to really talk to him. He never wanted children, but fell in love with me and ds, and adopted ds. He loves ds as his own and says he does not feel the need to have a biological child - as far as he's concerned ds IS his biological child. So ds may still be an only child - but I'm definately ready. It just took 7 years.

[AngeliqueW]

LCB-
Each pregnancy and each child are different. If you decide to have a second the pregnancy could be a breeze and you could have a deep sleeping easy baby. Or- you could be horribly sick for 9 months and have a special-needs child who takes more energy and patience than you ever knew.
Which is to say- when you feel like you're ready for anything, you're ready for another!
I must confess that DH and I have started to talk about the possibility of a second. At first it sounded so lovely, but after I slept on it I realized that for me- the answer is Not Yet! I'm not saying never though...

[jboo7506]

Russell is here!!

Hello all,
I finally have a minute to update you all, albeit while nursing. My son Russell was born November 3 at 7:51pm after 40 hours of home labor and then a hospital transfer b/c he wasn't moving down the birth canal. He was just camped out in there, literally, with one leg crossed over the other... no way he was coming out vaginally. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be.

We are doing great! He looks more and more like his daddy everyday. I am blessed and very thankful to be able to stay home and watch our one and only grow.

Well I have to make a few phone calls and get a snack.

Jen

Happy New Year! I find it hard to believe it's (almost) 2010 already!!

[mckennasmomma]

congratulations, jboo7506! one of the great things about knowing you will have just one child is that you really really pay attention to their infancy, and don't take it for granted, kwim?

[AngeliqueW]

Congrats jboo7506!
DH and I are still waffling a little. We know we're not ready now. We really want to give DS all we can. We understand that all of the judgements of onlies are BS. The thing that keeps niggling us is that EVERY only we know wishes for a sibling. We don't have to decide today, thank goodness, so we're still thinking only one for now. If things change in the future, who knows?

[babeak]

Yes, but my brother and I wanted a sibling too. So, I don't think that that is unique to onlies.

[earthgirl]

Originally Posted by AngeliqueW

Congrats jboo7506!
DH and I are still waffling a little. We know we're not ready now. We really want to give DS all we can. We understand that all of the judgements of onlies are BS. The thing that keeps niggling us is that EVERY only we know wishes for a sibling. We don't have to decide today, thank goodness, so we're still thinking only one for now. If things change in the future, who knows?

Well, now you can say every only minus one. I am an only and I never wanted a sibling. I never even knew I was supposed to want one until I grew up and people told me how lonely I must have been as a child.

[mckennasmomma]

Originally Posted by babeak

Yes, but my brother and I wanted a sibling too. So, I don't think that that is unique to onlies.

that is such a good point. I remember my sister and I always wishing we had an older brother!

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by AngeliqueW

Congrats jboo7506!
DH and I are still waffling a little. We know we're not ready now. We really want to give DS all we can. We understand that all of the judgements of onlies are BS. The thing that keeps niggling us is that EVERY only we know wishes for a sibling. We don't have to decide today, thank goodness, so we're still thinking only one for now. If things change in the future, who knows?

Well, all of the three adult onlies with whom I'm good friends say they loved being onlies and wouldn't have had things any other way.

[thehighernest]

Sorry for the double post: Internet acting up!

[thehighernest]

Loving this thread - so many pages to catch up on!

I'm sure this is already obvious, but it seems so much of one's decision to have an only is based on one's own experiences as a child.

For me, I was one of six children with somewhat of a big gap between the first two and the second two (I'm the last of those) and then an even bigger gap between us and the last two. I cannot begin to explain how much I hated the expectation that existed for the older children to care for the younger ones.

This is not a criticism of large families generally speaking, but my own experience being one of so many was far from idyllic. I can hardly remember any special moments as a child with either one of my parents - because they didn't really exist . Yes, I was close to my immediately older brother and we share a very close bond today, but I do feel that my own childhood was sacrificed. I think this is why I feel such a strong pull to protect my baby's, well, babyness, his childhood as long as possible.

I don't have any concerns about that myth of the poor only child having to take care of his elderly parents all by himself. My parents are incredibly selfish and want us all to do so much for them even though they did not pay any real attention to us as children. It sounds cruel, but sometimes it's like they had all of us because they wanted us to "owe" them later in life.

DH also did not have a good experience with siblings as a kid. He gets along with his brother and sister fine now, but as kids, his older brother was just miserable to him (didn't help that their father bailed out on them), bad enough that it made a lasting impression. He didn't even think he wanted ANY children when we first got married.

I must admit to waffling a bit myself about a second child, but only in this imaginary world where babies are all coos and giggles. Or when I think about my brother and me. But the truth is that we're just not equipped (read: lack patience) to deal with another child. I've chosen to be a SAHM while still working full-time teaching in the evenings after he's gone to bed and online. As you can imagine, this is incredibly stressful. I love the time we spend together, but it can also be very trying (lack of sleep, teething, etc.). I kinda look forward to a few years from now when he'll start preschool and I'll be able to go back to working a regular schedule.

Besides, DH is adamant that he doesn't want another child. Aside from his own history, those first baby 6 weeks really took his breath away. He just had no idea what we'd gotten ourselves into. He has absolute 0 interest in doing it all over again. He's pretty ready for a vasectomy. I'm about 95%. Perhaps because DS is only 9 months old and people say we'll change our minds, etc.? I don't know why I pay any attention to this, lol.

Anyway, it's nice to find this tribe!

[AngeliqueW]

Thanks onlies for voicing your satisfaction!
It helps.
We're happy to be 3 right now. That's all we need to know for a while!

[*bejeweled*]

Congratulations!

Originally Posted by jboo7506

Hello all,
I finally have a minute to update you all, albeit while nursing. My son Russell was born November 3 at 7:51pm after 40 hours of home labor and then a hospital transfer b/c he wasn't moving down the birth canal. He was just camped out in there, literally, with one leg crossed over the other... no way he was coming out vaginally. Oh well, it wasn't meant to be.

We are doing great! He looks more and more like his daddy everyday. I am blessed and very thankful to be able to stay home and watch our one and only grow.

Well I have to make a few phone calls and get a snack.

Jen

Happy New Year! I find it hard to believe it's (almost) 2010 already!!

[angelisagemini]

Hey ladies!
I think I'm going to be joining you!
We've been debating for a few months but we've decided that we're done.
DH and I are still young 24 and 25, DS is 15 months but we are happy with our little family.
Can't wait to read through the thread!

[Xavismom]

Hey Mamas! I've been reading through this thread this morning too, and this is my first post on it.

Thought I would chime in as an 'only', and mention that my DH was also an only child.

I LOVED it. I have so many great childhood memories. I always felt special and loved as an only child, and now today I have an incredibly close relationship with my mother (she actually lives with DH & I, the 3 of us live together as a family unit by choice and its great, especially now that we have our sweet little DS)

Also, being onlies, DH and I had a lot of great opportunities for things that many of our friends growing up didnt get, ie: international travel, lots of classes and activities that we were interested in, DH was able to be in VERY nice private schools his entire life, etc.

DH and I have always planned on having an only child. I'm not saying that we wont change our mind, DS is only 7 weeks old, and we do talk about it sometimes, but I dont think it will happen. With an only, we can give him more, and do more with him, and we think he deserves that. Especially on the subject of education quality... us being able to afford for me to SAHM, and international travel, which we both feel is incredibly important for children to be exposed to. We are hoping to make our first trip out of the country this summer, even though DS will only be about 7 months! We probably could not financially do all these things for 2+ children.

Anyhow, glad to meet all of you! Its nice to know there are others out there that have an only by choice, all my friends think its horrible. This may have a lot to do with the fact that I live in Utah though, it may sound like I am stereotyping, but I really am the black sheep here for having only one child on purpose, and also waiting until I was 31 to have that child. Most of my friends started having babies at around 20, and would never dream of having an only. Its espcially annoying when someone that doesnt know me well says something deragative about only children when I say I dont want another... and then I tell them DH and I were onlies

[iris777888]

Welcome angelisagemini and Xavismom! There are a lot of posts on this thread, but well worth reading.

[mckennasmomma]

I just came from my (awesome) chiropractor's office. She has 2 beautiful kids, 3.5 years apart, and we had the most interesting conversation. She was very open in saying that when she had just 1 child, she felt like a really good mom, but with 2, she never feels that way. She said it took her a very long time to feel connected to her second child, the way she always did with her first. She said that she felt resentful towards her younger child because of the time she takes away from her (older) son. She said that she feels like one of the only moms out there who honestly talks about the difficulties she has gone through in having 2 kids.

You almost never have this kind of conversation. It was really great for me, because she is a woman I really do admire, and to hear this level of honesty about having more than one child was really refreshing. Also she said all that before I mentioned that we are planning to have just one, so it wasn't like she was saying it just to "go along" with me, you know?

Anyway, thought I'd share!