Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 8

[rambunctiouscurls]

Originally Posted by swissmiss

My ds is also 4.5 yrs old.

I really appreciate moms on this thread saying that they have enough stress with one kid, let alone more than one. That's how I feel but it is so taboo to say it IRL. Especially if you are a SAHM. And someone even mentioned not wanting to or being able to (sorry, I'm tired, it's nighttime here in Europe) spread the great love she has for her only on to other siblings. I can totally relate. But again, that would sound weird if you said it out loud IRL. : Like you are hoarding all your love and giving it only to this one person.

I really wonder why it's socially unacceptable to stick with one! argh. My dd is only 10.5 months old and ppl are Already wondering about number 2. It's not like there's a lot of support for parents in this society (don't know about europe but here in the U.S) it is incredibly HARD to raise kids the way you want to. Even the maternity leave is only like 6 weeks and often unpaid.

[female18-]

Yes the child/ren shouldnt feel a huge responsibility to look after their parents as they get older and usually get health problems, but thats what seems to happen, and Its nice for the parent/s to have their son or daughter helping them at that time. I dont see anything wrong with that, but I agree its not a big enough issue to make you decide on having children at all. If you only have one though, they will feel some responsibility to their parents as the parents get old and (very likely develop health issues) and having a sibling, they will be able to share the 'burden' of that responsibility which must be quite stressful, upsetting and time consuming. Thats all I was saying, because Ive heard adults who are 'onlies' talk about how they worry about that time approaching because they have no one to go through it with or help them/share the responsibility.

I have a big family outside from my son and I, so I know theres always another family member to help there. Although thats only because I myself have a few siblings.

I admit even though I seem the only one here who does, I miss the baby stage. (apart from the sleepless nights ofcourse ) I love having one child though

[UmmNadia]

I was an only child and I feel that it didn't deprive me of anything. I have a daughter, and I feel that personally I don't want any more and I don't think my husband wants anymore. I don't know if we'll stay together or not, we're having a lot of problems. If i were to remarry, I am not sure if having any more kids would be an issue or not. I personally just feel at this point that there are so many other things i want to do and give my time and attention to and that I am just meant to have one. besides that I have epilepsy and hydrocephalus and it was a high risk pregnancy and she was premie so that also influences my decision to just have one. However I do feel taht I need to do more for her to have a more active social life and the fact that she is not near her family which I was while I was growing up is a major problem. sigh.

[DeeCee]

OK, my DH and I have read through all the posts. We have a DD who just turned 2 and she's wonderful. I've been feeling a lot of pressure from others to start TTC for another child. My DH and I have been talking/debating/disagreing/crying over whether we want to or not. My DH does not, he likes our little family of 3. There's not much I can do to change his mind, nor would I want to make him change. I think we can make our trio work, I'm just worried on how I should handle the feelings of regret I might have in the future.

I've done a lot of reading about only children and I would be totally committed to raising my DD as an only child.

I guess I just need reassurance that I won't regret this decision in the future. Reading these posts have helped a lot, and the more I read the more I get excited about the idea.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by DeeCee

OK, my DH and I have read through all the posts. We have a DD who just turned 2 and she's wonderful. I've been feeling a lot of pressure from others to start TTC for another child. My DH and I have been talking/debating/disagreing/crying over whether we want to or not. My DH does not, he likes our little family of 3. There's not much I can do to change his mind, nor would I want to make him change. I think we can make our trio work, I'm just worried on how I should handle the feelings of regret I might have in the future.

I've done a lot of reading about only children and I would be totally committed to raising my DD as an only child.

I guess I just need reassurance that I won't regret this decision in the future. Reading these posts have helped a lot, and the more I read the more I get excited about the idea.

Welcome! I think it's wonderful how much consideration and thought you're putting into this important decision.

[DeeCee]

Thanks for the welcome devster4fun! Your post have been great to read!

[didkisa]

Originally Posted by DeeCee

OK, my DH and I have read through all the posts. We have a DD who just turned 2 and she's wonderful. I've been feeling a lot of pressure from others to start TTC for another child. My DH and I have been talking/debating/disagreing/crying over whether we want to or not. My DH does not, he likes our little family of 3. There's not much I can do to change his mind, nor would I want to make him change. I think we can make our trio work, I'm just worried on how I should handle the feelings of regret I might have in the future.

I've done a lot of reading about only children and I would be totally committed to raising my DD as an only child.

I guess I just need reassurance that I won't regret this decision in the future. Reading these posts have helped a lot, and the more I read the more I get excited about the idea.

DH and I read an interesting book before TTC DD (3 mos old) and it said, "Would you rather regret having a child (or in your case, a second child), or no child at all?" I'm sure we'd all answer that the same way...

Like a PP, DH wasn't sure he wanted to have a child at all. I knew I wanted one for sure, but really didn't want more than that. We're in our mid/late thirties and have been married for 9 years. We've had many issues during the first 3 months and everyone always says the "next one will be easier." It's just an assumption in our society that you would have a second child. We love our little girl and are perfectly content with stopping after her...and it was always our plan to do so. **Although...I do tease DH that I would want to have another just so I can do everything "right" next time!

We plan to have DH get a vasectomy sometime in the near future.

[devster4fun]

I think since DD is about 14 months old, the questions are starting.

TODAY, the Starbuck's lady asked when we were going to have another. My standard reply is, "...we've always wanted and planned for one. Now we're really sure."

Her reply was, "That sounds great. It's good to know what you want."

Now, if only the in-laws could be as understanding as Starbuck's lady.

[DeeCee]

Originally Posted by didkisa

DH and I read an interesting book before TTC DD (3 mos old) and it said, "Would you rather regret having a child (or in your case, a second child), or no child at all?" I'm sure we'd all answer that the same way...

Thanks didkisa, this quote makes a lot of sense!

[DeeCee]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

I think since DD is about 14 months old, the questions are starting.

TODAY, the Starbuck's lady asked when we were going to have another. My standard reply is, "...we've always wanted and planned for one. Now we're really sure."

Her reply was, "That sounds great. It's good to know what you want."

Now, if only the in-laws could be as understanding as Starbuck's lady.

What a great response you got! We are getting a lot of negative responses right now, which makes me question having one child. Someone actually said the other day, "You don't want to eff your daughter up by making her an only child?" My DH was great at stating that research has been done that debunks the myths that only children are messed up, lonely, etc.

Now I just need to learn how to respond with confidence. Over time...

[msjd123]

Ugh. I get a lot of questions and comments about having another since DD is now too. The nice old ladies at work love to do this little sing-song thing, "It's tiiiiiiiiiime to have another!!!!" I just say, "Well, we're so happy with E, and this really works for us," but they still go on about the joys of siblings. When I told our 70-something neighbor that we'd probably just stick with E, she suddenly looked very serious and said, "OH NO, Sarah. Oh, I don't think that's a good idea at all."

Um, OK.

I don't know what to say to that either.

[caspian's mama]

my husband's grandmother, who's normally a fabulous woman, was kinda weird about it too. it sounded like she was basing it all on one family in the extended tribe who probably would have messed up 4 kids if they'd had 4, kwim? still, it was so uncharacteristic that it really threw me off. people are SO opinionated about it. i just don't see the point of hullaballoo.

[sisterfunkhaus]

I am an only child with an only child. Our daughter is 4.5. We waited to have her. I was 30 (we were married when we were 21.) I have Lupus and had a difficult time getting pregnant and had a very complicated and difficult pregnancy. I was even told by my doctor to think twice before having another. Even if I wanted another, now I'm going to grad. school and have to do a one year internship afterward, get back into the work world and all of that. I just don't feel like there will ever be a right time to have another. DH and I are both fine with one.

Other people in general do judge. I've been in debates on another board and people have this idea that only children feel entitled, are spoiled, dependent on their parents, etc... Boy, let me tell you, most of the people who I know that fit that description are NOT only children. I wish people would just let go of that stereotype. We are raising our child to be a considerate, compassionate, loving human being.

I also hate "the question." To me, it's no one's business. And, it's really rude to me that people ask why you aren' having more. Ugh.

[APCDmama]

You know, it baffles me when people make such awful comments about onlies. : Not only are these remarks disrespectful and rude; they are also a blatant display of ignorance. (Many PP's have noted the scientific evidence supporting the advantages of first/only children.) I would never, ever try to convince someone to have an only child, if her heart was set on two or more.

I LOVE, LOVE the "would you rather regret having a child..." quote. Food for thought, don't you think?



BTW, I am enjoying everyone's posts immensely! Thanks for starting this thread. It's great!

[Copper]

All I hear about is how much the mothers can't stand the fighting between the siblings and how awful it is and on and on, until they realize (if they don't know me well) we only have one and don't plan anymore.
Not my idea of a good time - I had my friend and her family over and her soon to be 2nd grader bit and I mean BIT the youngest who is 4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for no reason right in front of dd, the parents and other guests. Wow was she horrified (as was I). She has seen a lot of the siblings in families around her age be bullied, hit and so on and so forth by other siblings a lot.

[bluetoes]

Oh the fighting. I remember it well. My brother was very mean, and I don't think it would be overstating it to call him abusive. That is one of my reasons to have any only child. I would hope my little guy wouldn't be as much like that since the husband and I aren't going to parent like my parents did, something I think caused a lot of it.

How does everyone deal with getting clucky and having thoughts like 'it wouldn't be so bad' and wishing at the back of your mind 'a BC failure wouldn't be the worse thing ever' when I KNOW I can't handle another child! Maybe I just need to do something more permanent!

[APCDmama]

Even though I'm 99.9% sure about my decision to stick with one child (at this point in time, anyway), that tiny, 0.1% doubt gets my attention every so often. During those times, I allow myself to fantasize rather than do anything about it. I figure it's kinda like how you feel before you get married for the first time, KWIM? You have this romantic vision of your spouse, and how perfect everything will be. Then, you get married and reality hits: You think, "Hey! This is a lot more work than I imagined! I didn't sign up for this"

I get "the second will be easier" comment a lot. That's probably part of the draw to have another baby; I want to do things over again with an "easier" child, just to prove my AP practices didn't produce poor sleep habits, high intensity levels, colic, etc. I also want to re-do birth as a VBAC mom rather than a C-sectioned one, but there's no guarantee for that, either.

I think it's completely normal to have the occasional "what if" thought. Personally, I quickly counter my positive "what ifs" with my negative "what ifs". I think reality would fall somewhere between the two.

[APCDmama]

...and why would I change things when I'm happy with the three of us?

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by msjd123

Ugh. I get a lot of questions and comments about having another since DD is now too. The nice old ladies at work love to do this little sing-song thing, "It's tiiiiiiiiiime to have another!!!!" I just say, "Well, we're so happy with E, and this really works for us," but they still go on about the joys of siblings. When I told our 70-something neighbor that we'd probably just stick with E, she suddenly looked very serious and said, "OH NO, Sarah. Oh, I don't think that's a good idea at all."

Um, OK.

I don't know what to say to that either.

You know...I don't let someone's age (being older/elderly) change the way I respond to them. I *try* to be respectful of everyone. When they ask a personal question, or offer an opinion about how I should live my life, I feel they deserve an honest answer.

To the "I don't think it's a good idea...." I say, that's wonderful for your family. We're doing what's best for ours.

Originally Posted by caspian's mama

my husband's grandmother, who's normally a fabulous woman, was kinda weird about it too. it sounded like she was basing it all on one family in the extended tribe who probably would have messed up 4 kids if they'd had 4, kwim? still, it was so uncharacteristic that it really threw me off. people are SO opinionated about it. i just don't see the point of hullaballoo.

Same as above. My Grandma (out of complete ignorance, I guess) sometimes says racially insensitive things. I don't let it go, just because she's 92 or my Grandma. I respectfully disagree and let her know a better way to phrase things.

Originally Posted by sisterfunkhaus

Other people in general do judge. I've been in debates on another board and people have this idea that only children feel entitled, are spoiled, dependent on their parents, etc... Boy, let me tell you, most of the people who I know that fit that description are NOT only children. I wish people would just let go of that stereotype. We are raising our child to be a considerate, compassionate, loving human being.

What I always find amazing is how completely different children from the same parents turn out. My DH is the oldest of 3. You could not pick 3 more opposite people on the planet. They were raised essentially the same, come from a good home, etc...Why so different? I think because people are born certain ways. Certainly enviornmental factors play a role...but you should see some of the twin studies! Two people who are genetically identical and separated at birth...turn out remarkably similar. If you're self-centered, spoiled, impatient and selfish...I doubt it has much to do with being an only child.

[katheek77]

[QUOTE=sisterfunkhaus;8553786]people have this idea that only children feel entitled, are spoiled, dependent on their parents, etc... Boy, let me tell you, most of the people who I know that fit that description are NOT only children. QUOTE]


Gosh, that fits my sister to a tee. My younger sister...so, obviously not a first or only. She's almost 28 (October), lives at home, pays 50 dollars "rent" a month, Mom and Dad pay for everything else, she hasn't held down a job for longer than six months at a time, dropped out of high school, just got her GED a couple years ago, but has managed to drop out of college twice, but is back in (on mom and dad's dime, of course), contributes NOTHING to the house, emptied my bank account TWICE when I was in college, ran up thousands of dollars in credit card debt on my parents cards AND her own...

Um. Yeah. Maybe my parents *should* have gone with an only.

On the other topic, my MIL is now saying I "owe" her a grandSON. Not just another grandCHILD. Nope. A grandSON. I guess she thinks you can custom order them now. : She's on my hit list for other reasons...mainly smacking my daughter (all of 12 mos old), so, if she thinks she's getting another grandchild (excuse me...a grandSON) out of me, she's got another thing coming. I know it's snarky, but I can NOT wait to announce to her, some day soon, in person, hopefully, that DH got the old snip-snip.

I did have a positive only experience on Tuesday. DD and I went to a living history place, and the older woman (50s? 60s?) at the desk asked how old she was, was she my first, were we having any more, etc. And I said, "Nope, she's our first, and we don't plan on having any more", and she said, totally sincerely, as far as I can tell, "Oh, isn't she lucky? Such a precious baby, and she'll get you all to herself and you'll get to enjoy every minute."

Maybe she can be my MIL?

Yes, I'm feeling snarky tonight.