Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 73

[SweetPotato]

Along similar lines-- has your child being an only affected the choices you make as a family about where to live, whether you move frequently, etc.? My dh has a fairly intense career and will be finishing a residency next summer, and we're in the stage of waiting to find out if there will be a permanent position here when he finishes. Depending on the job market in his field, we could be able to be someplace for the next 10-15 years, or we could end up having to take a less desirable position for a yearor two and then potentially moving again when a better one opens up. Our dd is only 4 and makes friends very easily, but these attachments also seem to be fairly deep. I'd love for her to have very close lifelong friends, and I worry about the effect on her psychologically and socially if we were to end up moving in another year, and then again a couple of years later. At the same time, dh being happy and successful in his career (and, soon, me too!) is something that's going to be good for all of us as well. We're definitely keeping it all in mind and trying to be balanced as we make these decisions, but it can be tough.

[raksmama]

Originally Posted by SweetPotato

Along similar lines-- has your child being an only affected the choices you make as a family about where to live, whether you move frequently, etc.? My dh has a fairly intense career and will be finishing a residency next summer, and we're in the stage of waiting to find out if there will be a permanent position here when he finishes. Depending on the job market in his field, we could be able to be someplace for the next 10-15 years, or we could end up having to take a less desirable position for a year or two and then potentially moving again when a better one opens up. Our dd is only 4 and makes friends very easily, but these attachments also seem to be fairly deep. I'd love for her to have very close lifelong friends, and I worry about the effect on her psychologically and socially if we were to end up moving in another year, and then again a couple of years later. At the same time, dh being happy and successful in his career (and, soon, me too!) is something that's going to be good for all of us as well. We're definitely keeping it all in mind and trying to be balanced as we make these decisions, but it can be tough.

Yes, it can be tough. We moved twice, actually 3 times, but the first time ds was just 10 months so it did not make a difference to him. The second move was when ds was 5. That went pretty well. He started Kindergarten and at that age the kids don’t really from cliques yet. 2 years later however, when DS was 7 we moved yet again to a new city across the country because DH got a better job offer. Unfortunately it was more traumatic for ds this time around. I remember he never wanted to be alone, not even in a different room in the same part of the house. Of course he always wanted to sleep with us and that was not a problem, we let him. What was bad was when he started school. All the other kids had been there since KG and they had their own groups already and were not welcoming at all to him. The fact that he had been in an alternative school before where they did not teach him anything and he was behind academically did not help either. Eventually he did make friends, however it traumatised him so much that to this day and he is 12 now, he does not like to join any kind of group where everyone knows each other and he is the new one. dh got an offer to work abroad for 2 years and we did not accept for this reason.

[Gal]

I have an only too and it seems to work well for us, we have other issues that stop us from having another child including SO's age(he's 57). I never expected to have a big family though, I'm comfortable with the fact that I can give DD all my attention.

She has two cousins from my side but they live in Israel and well, let's say that from So's family her cousins are in their 30's and the ones that have kids live on the other side of the country.
She LOVES to interect with adults though more than with children, in kindy she has two close friends that she's always with but that's all. There's no real interest on her side to interact with the others.

[sarahdavida]

Originally Posted by Gal

I have an only too and it seems to work well for us, we have other issues that stop us from having another child including SO's age(he's 57). I never expected to have a big family though, I'm comfortable with the fact that I can give DD all my attention.

She has two cousins from my side but they live in Israel and well, let's say that from So's family her cousins are in their 30's and the ones that have kids live on the other side of the country.
She LOVES to interect with adults though more than with children, in kindy she has two close friends that she's always with but that's all. There's no real interest on her side to interact with the others.

My DH is 57, too (58 in a couple weeks) and DS is 3...his older sister is 35 and big brother is 31 - plus he has a nephew that´s 6. DH´s family is a big familia latina with lots of cousins of varying ages, so when we do get together with them (which isn´t often actually) there are a few LOs that are around his age. And he has a cousin on my side (my brother´s kid) that´s a year or so older...we don´t live anywhere near them, though.

So, DS isn´t a pure only child, but he´s my only child and the only child in the household, so pretty close...even though he knows his older siblings as such, he obviously doesn´t relate to them in the same way as a closer-in-age sibling in the same household.

Funny enough, even though age is clearly an issue with DH, we haven´t totally closed the book on having another child, but we don´t have any plans to TTC any time soon and maybe we never will. We just know it would be a bad idea now (for eveyone´s sake) and beyond that, we try not to think about it too much.

[Gal]

Hello there,

SO has asked me if I want more children before, but I don't and he says he's fine with our little family and he's terrified with the idea that he's going to be in his late sixties when DD's a teen LOL!
Yesterday he asked DD if she wanted a sibling she said "No, becuase you and mommy are mine"
Yes, I guess we are.

[sarahdavida]

Originally Posted by Gal

Hello there,

SO has asked me if I want more children before, but I don't and he says he's fine with our little family and he's terrified with the idea that he's going to be in his late sixties when DD's a teen LOL!
Yesterday he asked DD if she wanted a sibling she said "No, becuase you and mommy are mine"
Yes, I guess we are.

That is reallygreat that you are on the same page...all 3 of you! :-)

[carfreemama]

I haven't posted here in a long time, if ever; but I am struggling. I am 42 and dd is 6 1/2. She was always a planned only. I don't feel like I'm incomplete. HOWEVER, somewhere along the line I decided I wanted another child and we started trying. I didn't think anything would come of it because of our ages and then guess what? Pregnant in 2 months. And then 2 weeks ago, I m/c at 7 weeks. Now we are supposed to start trying again and I just don't know. I don't know if I'm just feeling like I want something new in my life. Dh is okay either way and if anything, would probably be just as happy to stop now. Dd does not and has never wanted a sibling.

I keep asking myself, do I really NEED another baby? No, I don't. What if I regret later...

I keep thinking about something dd said recently; "mommy, can we go to France?" And I thought yes, we can; if it's just the 3 of us. She loves to travel and is a wonderful traveler. We have enough money and time with one, but we wouldn't with two. We are happy.

I LOVE being a mama. I would welcome more children, any way they cared to arrive. But I am an OLD LADY and I like my only just fine, TYVM. Why would I give all that up when I'm not pining for another? Obviously, I'm more fertile than I thought; so I'd better not play with fire again unless I'm sure. I am on what feels like a very dangerous threshhold and I think in my heart, I know my answer. How can I let go? Has anyone else been in this place?

[majikfaerie]

[SweetPotato]

I, too am going through some serious waffling lately. I wish I knew how to decide for sure, guarantee no regrets, etc. It's so hard to tell if the nagging is coming from the outside or from within. In our situation, dh is still fairly firm that he wants only one (our dd is 4.5), but I've suddenly felt a very intense desire for another. I think part of my change has come from a recent job interview in my field (I've been sahm after putting a lot into a career that I love)-- I was thrilled to see the opening, but when I went in, I was shocked at my lack of enthusiasm. I left feeling like there will be plenty of opportunities for me to work, but that time is running out on my opportunities to have another healthy child. My dh is trying to be open-minded, but he's in a very intense career and not interested in complicating things further with another child.

What are the things that made you change your mind in the first place? That might help you determine whether it's something that is likely to go away or not.

[carfreemama]

Thanks for the support. This has to be the most confusing situation I have ever been in. My reasons for wanting another child were, I thought, very simple. I loved having dd around FAR more than I thought I would. I was never a very maternal person. Friends were very surprised when I announced my first pregnancy. I had confidence I would love my child, but I was really taken off-guard by how much I liked her and everything to do with her. I like the "stupid birthday parties" other mothers complain about. I don't mind sleep deprivation (much). I never felt the need for "me time" my other mama friends were craving. I loved doing things with dd. Her early childhood was just about the happiest time in my life and having her is the best decision I ever made.

So then I decided, why not one more? We are in a better position financially than we were when we had dd. We own our own home and know lots of supportive people. My work schedule is more stable.

BUT. Dh and I are both older. We would like to pursue other jobs/schooling. We've always had a dream to get a VW camper van and go traveling all over Nova Scotia and New England. All of that can be ours, RIGHT NOW, if we don't have another child. And when I hear other parents TTC say things like, they always KNEW they were supposed to parent more than one child; well, that's not me. I know all my reasons for NOT having another child and they all still seem valid. What I'm not so sure of is why I keep insisting on TTC a second, other than that I really enjoy children. But starting over again at this stage, at our ages and with a dh who is open; but not needing to have another..WHY? Why can't I just let go? And yet, two weeks ago I was pregnant and devastated when I miscarried.

[mckennasmomma]

carfreemama: the answer will come, and the time will be right.

I don't think anyone can answer those questions for you. Somewhere in your heart, you will find your answers. I think what I would do right now if I were you is some deep soul searching. Set aside your "lists" of "reasons" for either having or not having another child, and feel your way.

[carfreemama]

mckennasmomma, I know you are right. No-one can figure this out for me and advice is probably not what I need, though I sure do want it. There are only so many ways, on so many different forums, I can ask people to tell me what to do; not to mention IRL. The soul searching feels more like scouring right now, but it's gotta be done!

[mckennasmomma]

Trust in yourself!

[earthgirl]

Carfreemama, I'm really sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how much that must complicate making a decision like that. As mckennasmomma said, it's really only a decision you can make. I do think it's important that you really allow yourself time to grieve this loss. Who knows how you will be feeling about things even a month from now?

I also want to say that I think it's completely normal to question whether your family size is "right". I think a lot of mothers do this, but it's hard for those of us who have chosen to have one b/c it's so against the norm. Even though I'm 99% certain that I don't want another child there are days where I wonder if this is really and truly what I want. The fact that (at some point) the decision is final is what makes it hard.

[majikfaerie]

it's all hormones. they come in and make us want to make babies. it's a biological imperitive. I found it wore off, after kicking in really strong when dd was 3ish. I waited to be 100% sure and ready for another child... and I never was. because I know I don't want another.

[carfreemama]

majikfaerie, thanks again If I wait not too many more years, menopause will make the decision. I have to remind myself it's only been 2 WEEKS since I miscarried. I did read that it's normal to go from wanting to try again immediately to never wanting to, in the space of 5 minutes. Which is where I'm at. I posted this in the onlies thread, because that really is the issue for me. Do I abandon our wonderful life with an only, when I don't feel "100 percent sure." A lot of it is that of the several people who knew I was pregnant, I got SO much of "finally. Now your dd will have a sibling." Along with every other only-cliche out there. People seem to have been much more concerned about dd's only status than they ever admitted to me; which is to their credit, really. Apparently, my in-laws even consulted a psychic about whether we would have another child and the psychic said yes and that I was probably pregnant right then (which I was). So my confidence has been eroded a bit. I think I'll catch up on the posts in this thread. Whatever we decide, I know that will help. It always does.

[majikfaerie]

CFM
actually, you *do* have another child. that child isn't living , but still a child. give yourself time to process that.

[alexisyael]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

...Has anyone else been in this place?

Change some of the details around (it took me four months to get pregnant, we miscarried in February this year, our son is 4 and special needs and I'm 35 and we went as a family to France -- and Spain -- two years ago) and I could have written this post. Yes, I have been there (and still am, actually, since we haven't made a permanent decision yet).

Background: I joined this group a long time ago. We had a difficult experience with parenting the first couple of years (especially with nighttime parenting), which spurred our desire for an only, but we gave ourselves the caveat "we won't do anything permanent until he is three." Last summer, we reevaluated and decided we wanted to stop using birth control for a set number of months (6) and see what happened. ("If it's meant to be, it will happen" was my reasoning.) We are infertility survivors, so this seemed reasonable (I'm NOT ever going back to temping and doing the eleventy billion things it took me to get pregnant with Remy!!!!). It was really low key and way different (more pleasurable/ happy) than TTCing had been.

And whoa, we got pregnant! It seemed crazy and almost more miraculous than getting pregnant after two years of TTC (with our son)! Amazing.

And then, we miscarried @ 12 weeks. (It was a "missed miscarriage" because the embryo was @ 7-8 weeks in size. ) It was difficult and I ended up in the ER b/c I was afraid of bleeding out... my husband was away at a job interview and there was no one else in the house and I got scared and my MW is unlicensed in this state and couldn't come to give me support.

I miss this baby a lot and like majik said, I'm still a mom to her/ him. (I actually have an older angel baby, too, from when I was in my 20s and I've always considered Remy my second child.)

Grieving has been compounded by the fact that we're (FINALLY!!!) going to be able to move, my husband got one of the jobs he interviewed for this time around (he's in academics, so all the interviews are in the fall/ winter/ early spring with a start date of the next academic year). We're moving to New Jersey! But it's been a huge transition, because we had to sell our house and in order to do that, we had to stage it (painting etc...). I can't imagine having done all the work we just went through pregnant... I would have, happily, but. It would have been a lot harder. We haven't exactly been using birth control, but we're leaning more towards avoidance right now, if you catch my drift ;-)

Anyway, right after the miscarriage, I couldn't imagine ever going through that pain/ heartbreak again. And then, as I started feeling better, I reevaluated that fear and started rethinking. (I'd say in March and April I was leaning more towards having another go at pregnancy.) Then, when the realities of moving set in, I've started leaning more towards staying an only child family.

The awesome thing in all this is that my husband and I are going through these swings together. Last month, we started talking about him getting a vasectomy in June or July. And that's where we are right now, but I can't guarantee it will be where we're at next month.


I am so sorry for your loss, mama. I hope my sharing my story helps, in some way.

[sarahdavida]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

I keep thinking about something dd said recently; "mommy, can we go to France?" And I thought yes, we can; if it's just the 3 of us.

I am on what feels like a very dangerous threshhold and I think in my heart, I know my answer. How can I let go? Has anyone else been in this place?

I have not been in your place exactly, but can understand how deeply you feel pulled by the very biological desire to have another child, but know that it would also prevent a lot of things you want to do from happening...it is SOOO difficult. I am 35, but DH is 58 and, on top of that, has Parkinson´s Disease. I don´t usually disclose that freely, but I think it is an example of a very concrete reason why it would be clearly best (ina simple view) to keep things as they are...and yet, we also find oursleves talking about having another someday - BOTH of us! but I also know if I told DH I were done, he would probably feel a certain sense of relief and be completely fine with that.

We feel we still have a lot more leeway, time-wise, on my end - but it´s a very present issue for us...I also know it´s a result of my having a longer break from work than I suspected, so it´s hard for me to see (especially around ovulation time) that I just shouldn´t because of professional projects that are over a year away...even though I KNOW we shouldn´t - and in many respects, don´t want to.

I know that when DS is fully weaned (in process right now - so another hormonal factor), I will simply go back on the pill and we won´t go through this monthly "what if" scenario - and that will calm the issue more, but it´s a tough one...the biological/hormonal pull is STRONG

and I would also imagine that having gone through what you have recently, you are probably still processing it emotionally, which gives everything more weight

hope you can wade through this peacefully and be content with whatever the future may bring

[puffingirl]

Our situation is different, but still feels gut-wrenching. I didn't want children for most of my life and DH was fine with that when we met and married. But he changed and really wanted to be a parent. We argued for about 3 or 4 years and then I thought I could see having one. I had a m/c and then DD. I was not good with pregnancy---I was miserable 99% of the time. Early infancy was only marginally better. DD will be 3 this month and I absolutely LOVE spending time with her. From about 18 months on, I really hit my stride and began to love our family more than anything I had ever known. Then DH gets the bug for another child and he's been fairly relentless about it. He fears that we will regret not having another one, for our sakes and for DD. He makes generalizations about how much "better" life is with siblings (he's the oldest of 3). I am an only and don't feel the same way, but when he starts playing the "you'll regret it" card, I feel plenty of fear alongside of my anger. There are times when I am so full of love for DD that I do think I could do it again. But really, it's thinking that I could do again what we've already done--have her. It's not just the pregnancy and infancy stuff that I don't want, it's having a bigger family--more demands, less resources, less time, etc. DH and I had the worst disagreement about it this last weekend I ended up in tears and the gap has not closed between us. It's become so divisive that spending time together is unenjoyable.

Wow...sorry to have just dumped all that out there, but I really needed to get that out.

Big hugs for all of us trying to sort some stuff out.... I look forward to hearing more from parents of only children--there aren't many around me.