Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 75

[jellybeanmumma]

So glad I found this tribe! I'm another one that never really wanted kids then changed my mind when I was surprised by the arrival of DS in my belly! We agonized about whether we were ready for this step and my instincts said that this was a baby that wanted to be born. Even then I kinda only wanted one but we talked about how when you have kids you've gotta have at least 2..now DS is 1 and very high needs but an awesome spirited bub and totally suited to our family and DH has decided on his own that he wants an Only as well. Sweeet. We were discussing a vasectomy the other day. Thinking of not telling family and friends and if the question comes up about having more we'll just say we can't and change the subject. They'd be rude to push it surely? And technically its true. Will be hard cause his dad told me recently I'd have to have another soon cause he wants a whole football team. Oh well dreams are free old man! Its weird cause I took ages to birth my placenta and the midwyfe asked if this was my last baby as this often happened with your last babe (she didn't know our story as my midwife didn't make it in time so sent a sub). Even then I just kinda felt that DS was my only. I'm so stoked to hear these stories of chosen onlys. I told one of my closest friends as he is an only and I wanted to feel him out. His response was "He'll be so loved. I'm glad I'm an only child" He is a really well adjusted super sociable guy who was orphaned at 18 so hearing that from him made me feel better about it all. It seems environmentally, financially, energetically and romantically this is a good move. Keep the stories coming us Only mums gotta stick together!

[mckennasmomma]

Its weird cause I took ages to birth my placenta and the midwyfe asked if this was my last baby as this often happened with your last babe (she didn't know our story as my midwife didn't make it in time so sent a sub).

I had never heard that before. Strangely though, I also took forever to birth the placenta, and ended up needing pitocin to get it out (and this was a perfectly smooth homebirth, so I trust that I truly needed it at that point). I hadn't fully decided about whether or not we were having more at that time...Interesting!

[avaylee]

Originally Posted by mckennasmomma

I had never heard that before. Strangely though, I also took forever to birth the placenta, and ended up needing pitocin to get it out (and this was a perfectly smooth homebirth, so I trust that I truly needed it at that point). I hadn't fully decided about whether or not we were having more at that time...Interesting!

We knew ours was an only from the start (well, barring a multiples birth). And the hour after she was born was way more of a hassle than the rest of it. Will have to share this with DH.

[carfreemama]

Hi everyone! Glad to see everybody checking in.

Our little update: After m/c in May; having before then always decided dd would be an only...I am currently waiting out an ovarian cyst before making any final decisions. Benign, but big and NOT recommended to TTC. Ultrasound not until December. I will be 43 in January.

So, up until the spring, we were always one and done. Dd is 6 and will be starting grade 1 next month.

Meanwhile, though, life is moving forward. We've decided to buy a VW camper van next summer. It's always been our dream. It will fit our little family, including our dog, perfectly. It feels good to have a new plan and vision for our little pod; which will, barring something very unusual either deliberate or accidental, remain at 3 humans plus 2 pets (and soon, an aquarium).

Speaking of which, I've been trying to find an acronym for families of onlies; you know, like yuppies. So far, I've come up with muppies..."modern urban pods." Obviously, that only works if you're, well, urban. Anyone else have ideas?

[puffingirl]

Hey, carfreemama, I hope that cyst resolves soon and that you aren't in much discomfort--I know those can be no fun!

We had a rough summer really hashing through the only child vs. one more issue. DH still really wants another but I think has finally heard me that I am one and done. I'm getting all her baby stuff ready to sell at a yard sale next month and it's hard on both of us--he's really grieving and I feel alone and not able to share the mix of feelings that comes up for me about it (since he'll say, "Well, if you're sad about it, have another!").

But we're trying to keep going. We all got sick with some summer cold/flu thing the other week and I was thinking to myself, as I was sick and miserable and impatient, "There is NO way I could have a second one and remain sane and a good parent to DD". DH and I are going to try for our first big getaway next week, leaving DD with his folks for 3 days as we go off by ourselves. We'll only be a couple hours away, so even if we just get one night away and have to come back, it will be a fun adventure.

Hope all your families are well!

[carfreemama]

Hi Puffingirl. It's so hard when it's not both of you being one-and-done, or at least not at the same time. I totally understand the mixed emotions; but when I felt dh was "holding out" on another, I couldn't have heard HIS mixed emotions. I can totally see myself saying what your dh did, though it wouldn't have been fair of me. It's just plain hard either way. I'm glad you're being heard, though. For me, when dh was absolutely not going to reconsider, it was so hard to hear the finality of "no." That's actually why we did try again; dh eventually said okay, if it's that important to you. Which actualy sucked the joy out of becoming pregnant again. I almost felt, well, don't do me any favours. And it REALLY complicates grieving after a m/c.

I think "moving on" with a new family/couple project is great. I hope you have a fabulous time. One thing I told dh is if we really are going to be an "only child family," let's start taking advantage of it many, well, advantages. Let's embrace the freedom and excitement of dd getting older and being more independent and celebrate the fact that she wants to do so much with us. That's really helping me and us as a family move on. I also always remind dh that our happiness as the family we are NOW is infinitely more important than whether we add someone else to the mix. I make sure he knows I'm sticking with him no matter what, even though this process has been so painful. In my heart, I know we are so very lucky to have our one girl.

[SweetPotato]

Hi ladies- I just wanted to check in since it's been so long since there's been any action on this thread.

I've come full circle yet again since the last time I posted (SO glad that I didn't end up pg in the interim). Dd has been having a rough couple of months, and I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. We have such an intense relationship already, and it's been really draining trying to give her the support she needs right now. I honestly can not imagine having anyone else make any more demands on me right now- I think I'd lose it.

We've alos had another wave of new babies in our group, which of course makes me think about our choice (we've decided to give ourselves one more year before making it permanent). On the one hand, I have such sweet memories of dd, and of course all those ubiquitous, cheesy media images of large happy families. On the other hand, I am really feeling like my stint as a sahm has taken a toll on me, and I'm not sure that another 5-6 years would be the best thing for me (and thus, for my dd and for my marriage). I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a failure for not being some calm, fun mom who can handle 4 kids running around and being home raising babies indefinitely and just be fulfilled and zen about it all. But that's just so not me. I feel like I'm so amazingly close to our dd, and while I like the "idea" of loving someone else as much as I love her, and of her potentially having another constant in her life, I just don't think I can sign up for another round. I'm not sure there would be any "me" left.

Sorry for the novel-- I feel like I'm laying in bed fretting over this every night. I wish I could just get okay with the decision and move on!

How is everybody else??

[mckennasmomma]

Sweet Potato what you said makes so much sense!

I recently and suddenly went through an "oh my gosh maybe we *should* have another" phase. Then I noticed that these feelings came up shortly after I (finally) got my period back. I really think that it is an evolutionary, hormonally related feeling: to reproduce. Realizing this connection has made it easier for me to understand, and therefore to not stress over it. I know that the best thing for me/my daughter/my family is to not have another; despite that a piece of me wants my daughter to have a sibling, but I truly believe that that is society (and the hormones of course) whispering in my ear. The thought that helps me deal with that is remembering that there are very few parenting choices that I make that are mainstream societally supported, so this is just kind of one more on the list.

Hope everyone is doing well.

[majikfaerie]

feeling that one child is enough doesn't make one a failure.

[greenmama]

I have my step grand daughter so often I feel like I didn't really get to have an only child(except for those first five years which I cherished). This was driven home two weeks ago when we bought my dd a bunk-bed because she doesn't like sharing a full bed with her niece. My dd loves her niece, and I love her too. Soon my mother-in-law will be living with us and I lament that we will never have just our wonderful family of three again.

[babeak]

Sweet Potato,

I think that it is hard being around other families that are in the process of expanding because it is so exciting and pg has it's infectious qualities in and of itself.

We explored it when DD was 2 and there was one night where I swear if my DH had been available we would have 2 LOs However, the wave of my friends having new ones has kind of passed and I think that I am now *over* it and have moved on and DD just turned 3. I hear lots of complaints that the additional one has brought on. I am happy with just one. It is sufficient for me. HOWEVER, I DO LOVE being a SAHM most of the time, unfortunately most of it is without support as DH is deployed. I am going to be sad when the best job of my life kind gets curtailed and I actually have to go back to work. I don't think that I am highly suited for lots of kids as sometimes 1 can be overwhelming 24/7 without sufficient breaks. I am just enjoying it as much as I can because it all zipping past me a lightening speed. My only wish is that I had family support instead of having to rely upon babysitters to get a break a few hours a week.

I get might jealous of those that have family support near. This was also another factor in deciding against going ahead with another...just not very doable with one here already....that is even if we could get pg.

Happy with our decision and moving on with the exciting life that we have ahead. You know my mom always responded to people's questions about her having more than 2 with..."I want to see how these 2 turn out." The same could easily be applied to the 1 and is perhaps even more fitting.

[carfreemama]

Hi everyone:

We are still me, dh and dd.

SweetPotato, we're still trying to figure it out, too; though I will be 43 in January. Neither of us can bear to just say, "we're done." So we keep on using birth control, keep occasionally alluding to "maybe" and then watch time go on. For us, it's better to let the door gently close on its own than to shut it ourselves.

However, what I AM doing is more of the shamelessly letting dd enjoy the benefits of being an only; of which there are many. I no longer worry that I am "spoiling" or "indulging" her. She fits perfectly in the middle of our queen-size bed. There is enough money for lunches out once a week and to buy books insead of always borrowing them. I can spend hours playing with her and volunteering at her classroom. I know some SAH moms manage to do this with lots of kids; but in our situation, resources would not be quit so abundant with more children.

I am trying to remember that our family is complete NOW. I had a moment when I realized after the miscarriage that
I was starting to long for "someone else." I think one of the reasons dd has never really wanted a sibling is that she was a planned only and we just kept reinforcing that as our norm. I do not want our grief over our lost pregnancy to change that dynamic for her.

Lots of babies in our lives, too, though. In fact, I'm hosting a shower today. I've decided to be "aunt Nancy" to them all, if I can.

I hope others chime in. I've been wondering how everyone is, too!

[oaktreemama]

Hello.

I am a new member here at MDC with an only. We were told we would not have any children, and of course the next month I got pregnant. We were so happy-I mean over the moon happy.

We are thrilled with our little boy who is 29 mos now. We love our little pod (love that!!) of four-me, DH, DS, and our beloved dog. We have no desire to expand our family.

[majikfaerie]

welcome oaktreemama

[puffingirl]

Originally Posted by SweetPotato

Hi ladies- I just wanted to check in since it's been so long since there's been any action on this thread.

I've come full circle yet again since the last time I posted (SO glad that I didn't end up pg in the interim). Dd has been having a rough couple of months, and I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. We have such an intense relationship already, and it's been really draining trying to give her the support she needs right now. I honestly can not imagine having anyone else make any more demands on me right now- I think I'd lose it.

We've alos had another wave of new babies in our group, which of course makes me think about our choice (we've decided to give ourselves one more year before making it permanent). On the one hand, I have such sweet memories of dd, and of course all those ubiquitous, cheesy media images of large happy families. On the other hand, I am really feeling like my stint as a sahm has taken a toll on me, and I'm not sure that another 5-6 years would be the best thing for me (and thus, for my dd and for my marriage). I guess I'm feeling like a bit of a failure for not being some calm, fun mom who can handle 4 kids running around and being home raising babies indefinitely and just be fulfilled and zen about it all. But that's just so not me. I feel like I'm so amazingly close to our dd, and while I like the "idea" of loving someone else as much as I love her, and of her potentially having another constant in her life, I just don't think I can sign up for another round. I'm not sure there would be any "me" left.

Sorry for the novel-- I feel like I'm laying in bed fretting over this every night. I wish I could just get okay with the decision and move on!

How is everybody else??

I could have written that post, almost word-for-word. DH and I are still at odds--he still wants another and I don't and am feeling miserable. DD just gave up her pacifiers 2 days ago to the paci fairy and sleep has been not so good--really bad, in fact. Thankfully, DH has taken the brunt of the care the last 2 nights, but it sure reminds me of why I don't want to go through endless rounds of nightwaking again. Plus I also just feel so depleted from caring for DD and working part-time that any time I get for myself still just isn't "enough". I also feel like a total failure that I really can't do more without going bonkers, even though I would never judge anyone else like that.

Good to hear how everyone else is doing---take care, all.

[mckennasmomma]

All this talk about "failure" makes me want to share this video: Brene Brown She talks about failure/perfectionism in a way that really opened my eyes.

[marimara]

Bumping this up for a new member asking about onlies.

Hello all again.  I still have an only  I, like SweetPotato, go through phases of "Baby Fever" every now and then too.  I refer to it like it's an illness that passes

But honestly last time I had it, it was bad.  I really thought I needed, wanted, another baby.  But as time pases and I 'recover' from the fever, clarity seeps back in.

I think it's totally natural for women of child-bearing age to pine for babies, over and over again.  You see sometimes threads about women who had 6 kids and still get baby fever.  It's in our genes.  We can't change mother nature.  We evolved to want children, to love the smell of new babies, to adore them.  That's what makes us the good mothers that we are (compared to say, a crocodile).  We love babies.

But just because it's our nature doesn't make mean we have to have a baby every time our body's clock starts to click louder.  I recognize that my body realizes it's ready and willing to have another baby sometimes.  It means my body is healthy and nature is alive and well within this female body.  But that doesn't mean intellectually, or emotionally, or psychologically I'm ready for another child.  Because I'm not.  It also doesn't change my husband's opinion  I know that this small family is the right size for us.  Just like we live in a small apartment, drive a small car, and do everything 'smaller'.  It works for us and we're happy.  Though sometimes my body doesn't care and just screams baby, baby, baby....esp when everyone around me is on their second or third pregnancy already since I've had my one.  

So I totally needed to type that out for me to see the actual words that I've been thinking these last few months.  Yeah...that feels right. 

[puffingirl]

Originally Posted by mckennasmomma 

All this talk about "failure" makes me want to share this video: Brene Brown She talks about failure/perfectionism in a way that really opened my eyes.

Thank you for sharing this.  I did a professional workshop with her a few years ago and really enjoyed her stuff---it was very interesting to hear some of the main ideas again at this current point in my life. 

Welcome to any new mamas!

[jellybeanmumma]

It's good to check back in here..we keep putting off booking a vasectomy and I'm not sure why? Fear we've failed if we only have one? Fear the grandparents will tell our child he was such a horrible baby he turned us off having more (he's high needs, and I was high needs, and my parents tell me all the time I turned them off more kids, and that I'd be an only if I'd been first). How long do you wait before making it permanent? Natural planning did not work for us  -  DS was unplanned but chosen - he just came a few years earlier than planned. We feel complete as 3. He's awesomely spirited and I want to have time to enjoy that rather than resent it. And why does everyone - parents, inlaws, siblings, playgroup mums feel they have the right to tell me I should have more kids and then perpetuate the "only myths" that he'll be spoilt, anti social blah blah blah. Sorry for the cranky post - venting after a bad day!

[frontierpsych]

Hey everyone, haven't been on in a while, but I just wanted to say we're doing great here. DS will be 27 months at the end of the month, and he is doing great! He's been in daycare for a few months and is adjusting nicely. I am supposed to be looking for a job .....

We've had a bit of trouble with CPS, but we have a really cool case worker whom I don't mind coming around. She is not going to be our case manager soon and she said keep her in mind as a babysitter, she is very playful and affectionate with DS. New case worker (whom we haven't met yet) but apparently she is a little more by-the-book... still though, we have nothing to hide. 

As for the only child thing-- it's hitting us. You know, that WAVE of people asking when you're having the next one?  Which I guess is better than the folks at New China Buffet (whom we have gotten to know pretty well over the years) who will just come up, rub my (larger, lately-- I gained 23lbs!) belly, and ask "Ohhh, new baby? New baby?" Grrr! lol! They are so sweet though I can't help but forgive them.