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Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 78

post #1541 of 1645

I needed this thread today. Things have been going so well with DD and DH lately that this morning I was having that teeny-tiny bit of doubt creep in, thinking that I should maybe consider expanding our family. Never mind, that a new baby is probably the number one way to make things NOT go well! Anyway, thanks to those of you who continue to share your stories and help remind me that the decision we've made is perfectly fine!

post #1542 of 1645

Glad to see some new mamas on the thread!  We had a terrible day here--DD has had a host of bad health problems this year, mostly related to her asthma.  DH is still begging for another kiddo, and I still don't want one and am thoroughly overwhelmed with the one I have (see: health issues).  On our way to an emergency appt with the Dr this morning DD starts asking, for the 1st time, for a sibling. We talked about it most of the way there and back and it kind of broke my heart.  She's 3.5 and she was telling me how good she is at sharing and how she'd share all her toys and how much she wants a brother or sister.  Sigh. I haven't told DH about this conversation yet but it definitely is starting to feel like 2 vs. 1. greensad.gif

post #1543 of 1645

Whew, puffingirl that is so hard that now your dd is asking for a sibling too.  My main reaction to it is that it is really the same as any youngest child asking for another sibling: it isn't their decision to make.  If the younger child in a family of 4 said they wanted a little brother or sister, it wouldn't be a big deal for the parents to say, "Our family is just the right size."

 

I'm the younger of 2 kids, and growing up I always loved babies, did loads of babysitting as a teenager, kids loved me, etc.  My mom always said things to me like: you'll make a great babysitter someday (when I was too young) and a wonderful mother to your own child someday too.  That is probably the response I would give your daughter.

 

And one last point :) The fact that she is good at sharing her toys is a perfect example that children don't need siblings to learn how to share!

post #1544 of 1645

Wow how happy I am to find this forum!!  I knew I would, never been disappointed with MDC... I am 39 and had my beautifulDS 19 months ago.  One week after he was born my DH lost his job.. I am self employed and was NOT going to go back full time as my lifelong dream was to be as much of a full time mama as possible.  Life progressed Dh got a new job and we are making ends meet BUT I'm home 41/2 days with my ds.  So we get the when another when another question allllll the time.  Both my dh and I had a siblings which I do have fond memories of, but sometimes I just feel like I can offter my ds a lot more if it is just us 3. 

So any only child mama's out there, I would love to know your thoughts on what you think you loved, liked, missed etc about being a singleton????

 

Plus I want to embrace snow days.. not dread them because my ds is home with me from school!!

post #1545 of 1645

any moms of onlies go back and forth on wanting a second and then not? Or is this a tribe only for people who are sure they want to stick with one? I have one 11 month old and we are 75% sure we want to just keep it at one child. But every single time I ovulate- which is happening right now- I get a mad craving for a second. What a huge decision!! Plus I am soon to be 38 so i don't have tons of time to decide! I can think of a million ways in which I think my life will be better for just having the one. But then sometimes- like I said when I am ovulating, and when the love for my ds is just flowing- I think- we should have another. anyone else go through this? oh- and then within a week it passes and I go back to being pretty set on the just one.

post #1546 of 1645

I think you'll find a lot of the mamas of onlies having a tough time with ambivalence over a second child. Not all and maybe not even the majority, but a good number. I am both--how's that for ambivalence!

 

I am 43. Dd was a "planned only," conceived when I was 35. Easy conception, easy pregnancy, easy baby (after the first 3 months of 24/7 crying). Easy, wonderful kid. Last spring, dh and I decided to try again. I got pregnant within 2 months, miscarried and was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. Told not to TTC again until it went away.

 

I am, as I say, now 43. I still have the cyst and may well need surgery. Time has pretty much ticked on. Meanwhile, one of my best friends has had dc No.2. Our first two are just days apart in age, turning 7 this month. Her youngest and my youngest would have been about 7 weeks apart. That has been hard.

 

For a while, though, something awful happened. I stopped feeling complete with the family I have and started yearning for a second child. I hated that feeling. Wanting another, fine. But one of the best feelings about our little threesome was how cosy and perfect it felt. I feel we are back to that place now. I can't imagine how life would have been different if I'd had that second baby.

 

So things will never be completely back to the way they were before the miscarriage, but the emptiness is gone. I wonder how or when I will tell dd that she almost had a sibling, that we tried in the end. How will she feel? She has never wanted a sibling, though and has been very vocal about that. I know that could change as she gets older and I know it's not her decision, but the fact that she has always liked being an only has made our decision easier.

post #1547 of 1645

I'm so happy I found this thread. I have an onlie and I want her to stay an onlie, but I get a ton of outside pressure to have more. I don't want more! But they keep making me second guess myself. I'm glad I found some like minded folks and know that I'm not alone in my decision or reasonings. 

post #1548 of 1645

I also appreciate everyone's perspective on this since most of my friends/counterparts have two and some soon will have three. This is a tough subject for me. My son is 4 and my husband would like another. Deep down I don't feel like I am up to the job. My husband is a wonderful father -- I joke that he is more nurturing than me -- but he also has early-onset Parkinson's, which will continue to result in more and more physical challenges for him and our family. So I am feeling guilty -- guilty of depriving him of another child and guilty of depriving my son of a sibling. I feel like I've got to trust my heart on this one, though.

post #1549 of 1645

Rockymama, that's such a hard position to be in! There are so many reasons why we choose the family size we have and sometimes it's only partially a choice, or the choices are hard.Not always, but sometimes. Really, you do have to go with your heart; especially if you will be taking on a lot of the responsibility as your family's needs change and probably increase. Dh and I do do some things around "identity," as in celebrating our family's unique size; but we do this in a way where we're careful not to turn it into an issue, too.

 

It helps that dd has friends who are onlies, I think; some with older parents like us. But she has lots of friends with siblings, too. Sometimes it does pain me when I see her being gentle and loving with friends' babies, but she certainly never asks for siblings. I think she'd make a good big sister.

 

It's strange for me; if my pregnancy had continued, I'd just about have a newborn right now. While I grieved my loss bitterly, I am only partially disappointed that I don't have a baby right now. Dd is turning 7 and I now attend live arts performances with friends at least monthly. Given that we didn't do much without dd in the first several years, this newfound freedom and independence is pretty awesome. We do a lot of socializing with other familes and have since dd was little, so it's not like we've been isolated. But I am truly enjoying this current phase we're in as a family. I am able to invest real time and energy into friendships right now and it's so rewarding. Would I give that up for a new baby? Would I choose that again? I absolutely don't know. And yet, a good friend has a new baby, her second and I'm amazed at how quickly she's adapted. I thought I'd see a lot less of her for a while, but she's been marvellous at staying in touch. I don't think she's going to the symphony yet, though!

post #1550 of 1645

Hello!  I am joining you all - I am a mama of one awesome DD.  My DH and I are set on it, but like I keep reading over and over on this forum, our friends and family keep telling us we will change our mind, ask us how we could "do that" to DD shake.gif -- AND DD IS ONLY 10 MONTHS OLD! I am so happy to have found this forum for support! 

 

post #1551 of 1645

Hi!  I am also new to this forum, and so happy to find it.  I am 38 with a 14 month old son, Max.  Max lives up to his name in everyway - he's very tall and very demanding ;-)  Originally, my husband wanted more, but after going through the trials of our first year (food allergies/far from family/terrible sleeper) agrees with me, that perhaps one is all we can handle.  While living in the US, I didn't think it was a problem as I have family and friends with onlies.  However, we are now living in Australia, where it is quite common to have 3 or 4 and onlies are very rare.  It's not a matter of how many, but when, and I better hurry, because, oh no, they might be more than 2 years apart!  I belong to a wonderful Natural Parenting Playgroup that is very supportive in everyway except this one - it's just too foreign to them.

 

Personally, I think it's sad to be around families that are so large, they can't provide the attention their children need.  Yesterday, I had two experiences that really solidified my decision to have one child.  1. While at a playgroup, one of the moms commented that it was sad that she wouldn't be able to provide her son with all the things she wanted for him (extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping) because her goal was to have another before he was two. 2. I had dinner with another mom and her three kids that were all fighting for her attention.  The baby, who is 8 months, spent a considerable amount of time, by himself, on the floor.  She desperately wanted a third, and I think now secretly regrets it, admitting she's streched too thin.

 

I'm not convinced that siblings are necessarily the best thing for children.  I ignored my siblings growing up and now have polite, but distant relationships with them.

 

I am very happy to provide Max with all the attention he needs and cherish spoiling him with love and affection.

 

Thanks for starting this forum!

Laura

post #1552 of 1645

Taking refuge here today.... Just found out that our last IRL "only-child family" friends are expecting a second. *sigh*  While I am thrilled for them--I know they've struggled with fertility issues--I am completely selfishly sad for me. DH is so sad all.the.time about not having a second one and it seems like 2nd babies are popping up everywhere around us. We really like this family and have done lots of stuff with them, even going away together, because it's been easy that they had an only the same age as our DD. I know that DH is happy for them but is so completely miserable for himself with sadness and envy today and that makes me sad too. DD keeps asking for a sibling and I feel more ganged up on everyday.  I just don't want to do it at all but I hate living this way too--all of us miserable with our circumstance (them because they want another one and me because I'm tired of feeling badgered  and guilty).

post #1553 of 1645

What a great thread this is! I didn't realize how many others out there are feeling this pressure. I remember feeling similarly when my DH and I decided not to have children at all... people looked at us like we had three heads! Then we had a little "surprise" and, when my beautiful DD came along and the dust settled from the whole unexpectedness of it (which was after like 2 years, lol) I found myself in almost the same boat: people were shocked that we were stopping at one! I thought, "wow, you just can't win!"

Now that my DD is 8, she doesn't ask for a sibling as much, but every now and then it comes up. I know in my heart with 100% certainty that every time I even entertain the idea of having another it's to please her or to please others. My DH and I are completely aligned on only having one child (thank goodness) but it's still very unsettling when the guilt creeps in.... because it's not REAL guilt – it's outside pressures getting the best of us.

Now I am almost 45, so I'm well within the zone of saying "I'm just too old now".... but it's just to shut people up smile.gif

Thanks for the great forum!

post #1554 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mayree View Post

What a great thread this is! I didn't realize how many others out there are feeling this pressure. I remember feeling similarly when my DH and I decided not to have children at all... people looked at us like we had three heads! Then we had a little "surprise" and, when my beautiful DD came along and the dust settled from the whole unexpectedness of it (which was after like 2 years, lol) I found myself in almost the same boat: people were shocked that we were stopping at one! I thought, "wow, you just can't win!"

Now that my DD is 8, she doesn't ask for a sibling as much, but every now and then it comes up. I know in my heart with 100% certainty that every time I even entertain the idea of having another it's to please her or to please others. My DH and I are completely aligned on only having one child (thank goodness) but it's still very unsettling when the guilt creeps in.... because it's not REAL guilt – it's outside pressures getting the best of us.

Now I am almost 45, so I'm well within the zone of saying "I'm just too old now".... but it's just to shut people up smile.gif

Thanks for the great forum!


Hey Mayree, welcome to the thread!  I posted a few times upstream and our situations are very similar (didn't plan on kids; had one; totally satisfied with that; the outside forces applying the guilt).  If it's any comfort, I'm so past the "guilt" of not providing DD with a "necessary" sibling and all that (not that I thought it was really a requirement anyway), and we feel blessed and love our little family of three!  

 

post #1555 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by puffingirl View Post

Taking refuge here today.... Just found out that our last IRL "only-child family" friends are expecting a second. *sigh*  While I am thrilled for them--I know they've struggled with fertility issues--I am completely selfishly sad for me. DH is so sad all.the.time about not having a second one and it seems like 2nd babies are popping up everywhere around us. We really like this family and have done lots of stuff with them, even going away together, because it's been easy that they had an only the same age as our DD. I know that DH is happy for them but is so completely miserable for himself with sadness and envy today and that makes me sad too. DD keeps asking for a sibling and I feel more ganged up on everyday.  I just don't want to do it at all but I hate living this way too--all of us miserable with our circumstance (them because they want another one and me because I'm tired of feeling badgered  and guilty).



I haven't checked this thread in ages, but just read your post today and couldn't not respond.  Even though I'm the ambivalent one in our family (dh is still 100% confident about only wanting one), I totally get the selfish sad feeling when friends with onlies get pg-- it's like they're opting out of our own special club or something.  Not that we can't still be friends, etc., but just that feeling of having thought that you all shared some special understanding that set you apart a little bit from the rest of the world, and then.. oomph... nevermind- you're all on your own afterall.  Just kind of disappointing and kind of like being left behind.  At least that's how I've felt.   

 

I also can say now that I was extremely jealous when two of my good friends got pg again, but now that their babies have been born, a lot of that feeling has disappeared.  I think that my history of mcs and the rough pg before having our dd (now 5.5yo) kind of makes me susceptible to focusing on pregnancy-- the happy, carefree, pg that I spent 2 years longing for and never really had-- more so than the realities of actually having another person needing me all the time.  We're now looking ahead to kindy in the fall, and I'm pretty darned excited about all the possibilities.  While I still worry about regretting not having another, I also feel fairly certain that I, my marriage, and our whole family, will likely be healthier if we let ourselves continue to grow as we are, without adding to the mix.  In having dd, whom we both adore, we've also discovered that neither dh nor I is very good at balance.  He's very career-focused and I'm very child focused (and with our very spirited dd, that has been largely to the exclusion of everything else in my life- not healthy, I know).  I think we're finally approaching a good sort of equilibrium now, and I'm frankly afraid of putting more pressure on dh and of losing myself completely.  Still wishing we could all be a bit more easy-going about it all, but that's just not who we are.  I'm finding that I really enjoy spending time with other families whose kids are older (or whose youngest is dd's age), just so long as we're all "done".  Maybe that makes me shallow or bad or something, but I just find it easier sometimes.

post #1556 of 1645

I too can relate to seeing families that are pregnant or just had another babe.  I find myself choking up a lot.  People (many) tell us that we need to have another all the time.  I like our little family and really cannot imagine being pregnant again.  I did have a great pregnancy and birth and I really don't want to mess with that one bit.  DH would love to have another but respects my choice not too.  My response to folks that say we should again....  Sounds great!  Only if DH could do it! 

 

 

post #1557 of 1645

I am glad to see this thread!  I am pregnant with our first, and we are seriously considering having only the one.  We just think it will be best for our lifestyle.  It would also allow for personal attention, we both have family and personal history of mental illness.

 

I balked when my husband first brought up the idea of having one, it just seemed so odd.  I am the oldest of six!  He has two sisters, but was actually raised alone for most of his childhood.  I did some reading, thinking, and spoke to friends who were only children.  In the end, I agreed that it will probably be best.

 

We are staying open to the possibility of a second in ten years or so, but we would both prefer it be an adoption.  

post #1558 of 1645

Hi, can I join? wave.gif  I haven't read the whole thread...yet. We have a 5 mo DD and will not be having any more kids. No surprises are possible (see my siggy winky.gif ). We always planned on having just one child. Already people are saying, "The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling". I'm not so sure I agree with that. We have a couple of friends that have one child and aren't planning on another. We'll see if it stays that way.

 

I would love to be pregnant and give birth again, just not have another child to raise, so I might consider surrogacy in the future. We have talked about the idea that once our baby grows up (teenager or above), we would consider fostering special needs children.

 

I could definitely see getting baby fever again once DD is older and when I ovulate, but DW was pretty traumatized by our homebirth (went perfectly!) and DD's first month and would absolutely not consent to another bio child to raise.

 

 

post #1559 of 1645



Hi Monarchgrrl!  I get so frustrated when I hear people tell me that the greatest gift I can give my child is anything other than to know she is loved whether that is with a gaggle of siblings or none at all!  My DH's brother has brought lots of suffering to our lives due to his actions and choices. I think he would completely disagree with what people are telling you!!

 

Also, I totally agree with your DW: I was seriously traumatized by the first 2 months of my child's life!  It felt good to read that I was not alone!!!!!  shy.gif

 

post #1560 of 1645

Glad to see some new mamas here too! 


Thanks, SweetPotato, for the validation and support.  It's in short supply IRL....   The guilt is killing me here some days, but I really can't do it. Even with one kiddo I ran out of patience before I ran out of day yesterday.  

 

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