Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 79

[t2009]

Glad to find this thread!!

DH & I are pretty sure DS is our one & only. He's more sure than I am (which I posted about a long time ago & got great support from some of the other moms of singles -- thanks!). But from an emotional & financial stand point it really makes sense for us to only have one child.

I've been not only getting pressure, though, but like direct "don't do it"s from people I know!! DH's step dad told me (as nicely as one can... he's a sweet guy) that it's the reason his own relationship with his daughter has been troubled. And then basically said we had to give DS a sibling!! My jaw just about dropped to the floor. I felt bad for his experience, but, man, not cool! And then a friend of mine (who's an only child) told me to not do it (though she couldn't say exactly why). It's just amazing how people have such strong opinions & feel so free to share them!! IRL I can think of only one friend (and really, this is more of an acquaintance) who is actually planning on only one. It's crazy to me.

Originally Posted by SweetPotato 

I haven't checked this thread in ages, but just read your post today and couldn't not respond.  Even though I'm the ambivalent one in our family (dh is still 100% confident about only wanting one), I totally get the selfish sad feeling when friends with onlies get pg-- it's like they're opting out of our own special club or something.  Not that we can't still be friends, etc., but just that feeling of having thought that you all shared some special understanding that set you apart a little bit from the rest of the world, and then.. oomph... nevermind- you're all on your own afterall.  Just kind of disappointing and kind of like being left behind.  At least that's how I've felt.   

I also can say now that I was extremely jealous when two of my good friends got pg again, but now that their babies have been born, a lot of that feeling has disappeared.  I think that my history of mcs and the rough pg before having our dd (now 5.5yo) kind of makes me susceptible to focusing on pregnancy-- the happy, carefree, pg that I spent 2 years longing for and never really had-- more so than the realities of actually having another person needing me all the time.  We're now looking ahead to kindy in the fall, and I'm pretty darned excited about all the possibilities.  While I still worry about regretting not having another, I also feel fairly certain that I, my marriage, and our whole family, will likely be healthier if we let ourselves continue to grow as we are, without adding to the mix.  In having dd, whom we both adore, we've also discovered that neither dh nor I is very good at balance.  He's very career-focused and I'm very child focused (and with our very spirited dd, that has been largely to the exclusion of everything else in my life- not healthy, I know).  I think we're finally approaching a good sort of equilibrium now, and I'm frankly afraid of putting more pressure on dh and of losing myself completely.  Still wishing we could all be a bit more easy-going about it all, but that's just not who we are.  I'm finding that I really enjoy spending time with other families whose kids are older (or whose youngest is dd's age), just so long as we're all "done".  Maybe that makes me shallow or bad or something, but I just find it easier sometimes.

I can totally relate to these feelings! I'm almost a little (inwardly) disappointed when I hear my friends are getting pg with #2. A friend who had the same due date as mine recently had her 2nd, and I was most "sad" about that one. But at the same time I totally find myself getting baby fever. I loved being pregnant & birthing, and having been through it once I'd like to do it again for purely selfish reasons (like trying a home birth or changing the way we did things with DS in the early months... it's totally an urge to be able to "fix" what didn't work the first time around... which I know is totally irrational!!). But the thought of caring for & raising two children is not something I'm after. 

Though I will say: One of the reasons we tried to get pg was because we both agreed that we'd likely regret not having a family later. I am SO happy we made that decision. So I feel I can't quite ignore that nagging voice that's telling me I might regret only having one... Ugh! I can seriously say this decision will be the hardest we've ever made! 

Thanks for reading my rambles!

[mom2ponygirl]

I feel like the 'old' mom here.  My only is 12.5, so I guess we're pretty committed now. LOL My main worry at this point is the teen years.  We are very close but I know it can get a little stressful with moms and daughters.  I really want to keep our relationship great while giving her room to find her independence.  I'm trying to make sure I work on what my life will look like once she is off to college and transitioning to being on her own.  It is exciting to think about options in life after the bulk of child rearing is done.  

I have to say that I really enjoy the time we have together to do things.  I never imagined having such a great time with a tween.  I'm glad I have some one on one time with her.  While I am a little sad about her growing up and moving on in a few years, I'm also excited to find out what path she choses and to develop an adult friendship with her someday.  I know some moms and daughters do find a way to have a close adult relationship and I hope we do.  :-)  

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by mom2ponygirl 

I feel like the 'old' mom here.  My only is 12.5, so I guess we're pretty committed now. LOL My main worry at this point is the teen years.  We are very close but I know it can get a little stressful with moms and daughters.  I really want to keep our relationship great while giving her room to find her independence.  I'm trying to make sure I work on what my life will look like once she is off to college and transitioning to being on her own.  It is exciting to think about options in life after the bulk of child rearing is done.  

I have to say that I really enjoy the time we have together to do things.  I never imagined having such a great time with a tween.  I'm glad I have some one on one time with her.  While I am a little sad about her growing up and moving on in a few years, I'm also excited to find out what path she choses and to develop an adult friendship with her someday.  I know some moms and daughters do find a way to have a close adult relationship and I hope we do.  :-)  

I am glad to hear of some perspective from a mama with a "tween". 

Thank you!

[livinlovinlaughin]

Originally Posted by t2009 

Glad to find this thread!!

DH & I are pretty sure DS is our one & only. He's more sure than I am (which I posted about a long time ago & got great support from some of the other moms of singles -- thanks!). But from an emotional & financial stand point it really makes sense for us to only have one child.

I've been not only getting pressure, though, but like direct "don't do it"s from people I know!! DH's step dad told me (as nicely as one can... he's a sweet guy) that it's the reason his own relationship with his daughter has been troubled. And then basically said we had to give DS a sibling!! My jaw just about dropped to the floor. I felt bad for his experience, but, man, not cool! And then a friend of mine (who's an only child) told me to not do it (though she couldn't say exactly why). It's just amazing how people have such strong opinions & feel so free to share them!! IRL I can think of only one friend (and really, this is more of an acquaintance) who is actually planning on only one. It's crazy to me.

I can totally relate to these feelings! I'm almost a little (inwardly) disappointed when I hear my friends are getting pg with #2. A friend who had the same due date as mine recently had her 2nd, and I was most "sad" about that one. But at the same time I totally find myself getting baby fever. I loved being pregnant & birthing, and having been through it once I'd like to do it again for purely selfish reasons (like trying a home birth or changing the way we did things with DS in the early months... it's totally an urge to be able to "fix" what didn't work the first time around... which I know is totally irrational!!). But the thought of caring for & raising two children is not something I'm after. 

Though I will say: One of the reasons we tried to get pg was because we both agreed that we'd likely regret not having a family later. I am SO happy we made that decision. So I feel I can't quite ignore that nagging voice that's telling me I might regret only having one... Ugh! I can seriously say this decision will be the hardest we've ever made! 

Thanks for reading my rambles!

I can totally relate to many of your feelings. I get baby fever. It tore me up when my sister got pregnant with her 4th and then even worse, she miscarried. (We are very close). I really enjoyed being pregnant and birthing. I would love to do it again. I do not want several children, I know I do not have the patience for them. Two would be nice though. What is holding me back is that I have been trying hard for almost 2 &1/2 yrs to lose the 40lbs I gained while pregnant. We are still nursing and my body will not cooperate and drop weight no matter what I do. I always thought this was an excuse when mom's said things like this but I was totally wrong. How can my body defy science. It is just calories in calories out right. Wrong, at least not while we are nursing! I know it would not be healthy for me physically and I could not handle gaining any more weight emotionally. This keeps me from even thinking about getting pregnant. It bothers me a lot sometimes that DS might be an only. I think about vacations and if he will feel alone when he is older esp once DH and I are no longer here with him. I see 2 kids playing and get all choked up inside. I do not think DS will ever have that. By the time I lose this weight and could consider another one, there would be quite an age gap. I don't know if I want that either. DS loves his cousins! The oldest boy and DS are about 7 yrs apart and are buddies. While crying to DH one night I told him I think if we do not have another one, I will ask my newphew to look out for DS when they are older esp once we are gone. DH looked at me funny.

I am glad to have found this thread. I hope reading through it might bring me some insight and comfort.

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by livinlovinlaughin 

I can totally relate to many of your feelings. I get baby fever. It tore me up when my sister got pregnant with her 4th and then even worse, she miscarried. (We are very close). I really enjoyed being pregnant and birthing. I would love to do it again. I do not want several children, I know I do not have the patience for them. Two would be nice though. What is holding me back is that I have been trying hard for almost 2 &1/2 yrs to lose the 40lbs I gained while pregnant. We are still nursing and my body will not cooperate and drop weight no matter what I do. I always thought this was an excuse when mom's said things like this but I was totally wrong. How can my body defy science. It is just calories in calories out right. Wrong, at least not while we are nursing! I know it would not be healthy for me physically and I could not handle gaining any more weight emotionally. This keeps me from even thinking about getting pregnant. It bothers me a lot sometimes that DS might be an only. I think about vacations and if he will feel alone when he is older esp once DH and I are no longer here with him. I see 2 kids playing and get all choked up inside. I do not think DS will ever have that. By the time I lose this weight and could consider another one, there would be quite an age gap. I don't know if I want that either. DS loves his cousins! The oldest boy and DS are about 7 yrs apart and are buddies. While crying to DH one night I told him I think if we do not have another one, I will ask my newphew to look out for DS when they are older esp once we are gone. DH looked at me funny.

I am glad to have found this thread. I hope reading through it might bring me some insight and comfort.

I just wanted to give you a little piece of mind. 

I am an only child and never had cousins to hang with (distance/divorce separated).  I have always been able to find my tribes and they have found me, without seeking.  Growing up, most of my friends were from large families that "grandfathered" me in.  I still to this day can walk into their folks' homes as if I was their own.

Not to worry mama.  Your DS will have many that love him as you do. 

[rhianna813]

I am 42 and have a 7 year old DS. I feel blessed to have him as I was not certain I could get pregnant. DH initially wanted 3 kids. But when you start with one at age 35 – that’s a lot to ask of a woman LOL Especially when it took 1.5 years to get PG the first time.

I was really happy with one but I knew DH was on the fence about adding more. I didn’t want to pressure him so I suggested we keep all the baby supplies. About 2 years later he was hands down happy with our single child and wanted to sell all the supplies. We have no regrets and are very happy with our family.

I do get comments and flack from others sometimes about only having one child. If I complain about him needing attention I reminded by coworkers that having 2 kids solves that problem. I was raised with a younger sister and we entertained ourselves a lot. But often it involved a lot of hair pulling and door slamming. Obviously there are pros and cons to both scenarios.

I do think it’s rude for people to give others grief about having one kid. People never know the reason for it. For many it could be a fertility issue, not a choice.

In my circle of crunchy friends, having 1 child is very common. So we look to the community to form that extended family. BUT I think DH and I could be doing more. And I’d love to post on a thread like this to share ideas and parenting advice, raising single kids.

Rhianna

[majikfaerie]

rhianna, just save up all those times anyone ever tells you having more kids will solve the problem of needing more attention... then, when those people complain that their kids are fighting/ hard to maintain/ they can't afford to go on vacation because they have 3 kids/ etc, just smile sweetly and say "you wouldn't have that problem if you had only one child" ;)

:evillaugh:

[livinlovinlaughin]

Originally Posted by Xantho 

I just wanted to give you a little piece of mind. 

I am an only child and never had cousins to hang with (distance/divorce separated).  I have always been able to find my tribes and they have found me, without seeking.  Growing up, most of my friends were from large families that "grandfathered" me in.  I still to this day can walk into their folks' homes as if I was their own.

Not to worry mama.  Your DS will have many that love him as you do. 

Thank you. I do hope he makes friends easy. We hope to build the kind of home that DS will want to bring his friends to and they will all want to hang out at. Maybe the parents of more than one will welcome the peace and quiet.
 

[SweetPotato]

The waffler has returned to my house  :(  I so wish that I could just move on from this whole decision, and can't help wondering if my obsession with the whole topic means that I'm just really not ready to be "done."  I can't help but think that, with a husband who wanted more, I would most likely have another by now-- and so I wonder if I'll ever really feel settled or fulfilled-- or if I'll regret this choice.  But I AM looking forward to the possibilities once dd starts kindy in the fall, and I DO enjoy peace and quiet and find myself stressed by noise, chaos, and conflict.  And I also have VERY strong feelings about raising babes (with which my husband went along, but has since stated that he strongly disagrees)- and I don't know how much I could compromise, and I like the way our marriage is slowly but surely re-emerging from the adjustment of adding dd.  And we live far from family, and I am kinda sick and tired of the "mom scene."    And my pregnancy was horrible and the birth was frightening.  But I'm also tired of this very small, quiet jealousy and bitterness that I try to hide even from myself.  I hate wondering if everyone looks at us and thinks that my dh must not be happy with me as mother, or with our family.  I hate wondering that myself sometimes, even though he swears it isn't true.  I want to feel peace, and I just don't.

ETA:  and now, when I think about it more, I wonder if it really is about the hypothetical child, or if I'm just feeling dissatisfied, etc. in general and looking to this "issue" as something to peg it on.  The fact is, I haven't been one of those content sahms, and there's no real reason for me to think that another baby is going to "fix" my restlessness (especially when my brain knows that the opposite is actually more likely).  The fact is that we're fairly happy, and getting happier as dd gets older.  Perhaps I just need a good shrink.  And a hug.

Edited by SweetPotato - 4/22/11 at 4:25pm

[t2009]

Originally Posted by SweetPotato 

The waffler has returned to my house  :(  I so wish that I could just move on from this whole decision, and can't help wondering if my obsession with the whole topic means that I'm just really not ready to be "done."  I can't help but think that, with a husband who wanted more, I would most likely have another by now-- and so I wonder if I'll ever really feel settled or fulfilled-- or if I'll regret this choice.  But I AM looking forward to the possibilities once dd starts kindy in the fall, and I DO enjoy peace and quiet and find myself stressed by noise, chaos, and conflict.  And I also have VERY strong feelings about raising babes (with which my husband went along, but has since stated that he strongly disagrees)- and I don't know how much I could compromise, and I like the way our marriage is slowly but surely re-emerging from the adjustment of adding dd.  And we live far from family, and I am kinda sick and tired of the "mom scene."    And my pregnancy was horrible and the birth was frightening.  But I'm also tired of this very small, quiet jealousy and bitterness that I try to hide even from myself.  I hate wondering if everyone looks at us and thinks that my dh must not be happy with me as mother, or with our family.  I hate wondering that myself sometimes, even though he swears it isn't true.  I want to feel peace, and I just don't.

ETA:  and now, when I think about it more, I wonder if it really is about the hypothetical child, or if I'm just feeling dissatisfied, etc. in general and looking to this "issue" as something to peg it on.  The fact is, I haven't been one of those content sahms, and there's no real reason for me to think that another baby is going to "fix" my restlessness (especially when my brain knows that the opposite is actually more likely).  The fact is that we're fairly happy, and getting happier as dd gets older.  Perhaps I just need a good shrink.  And a hug.

Hugs, mama! I agree with what you already seem to know... having another babe isn't going to fix the feelings of restlessness that you feel. (And if you need a shrink to help you come to peace with that... by all means you should!)

Plus, I'm totally with you on the bolded above. My DH & I really feel that we are just starting to get to know each other again (DS is still a bit young for us to feel completely able re-focus on our marriage, but we're starting). But I'm also a waffler.

Which brings me to another question: Has anyone made to choice to limit their family to one child based on environmental concerns? The thought is there in the back of my mind, though I don't really think I'd personally make the decision on that alone. But (I know this will offend parents of many... sorry, this is just my opinion...) I sometimes feel it's irresponsible (environmentally) to cultivate a large family in a day & age when it's fairly easy prevent pregnancy. Am I (or Al Gore) going to convince people to have small families for this reason? NO! I think the biological urge to reproduce is quite strong & difficult to fight. But, I don't know, I kinda think for me it's a reason to limit my family size. (Plus, after bringing DS into the world & really thinking about that fact, I don't know that I want to bring more people into THIS world right now... but that's another story...) Is this all crazy?

[mckennasmomma]

SweetPotato, I just went through a big "waffle" myself.  It was after spending some time with an incredibly lovely family with 3 children, who truly made up their own little tribe.  They played amazingly well together, creating and performing and being together.  I have felt so solid in our decision, then had to really think my way through those feelings, as well as meditate and feel my way through them.  One of the (many) reasons we are having just one is like t2009 mentioned: environmental concerns.  But that is just one reason on my list, and I use it as a reminder when I do have those waffling moments.  My most compelling reasons are: wanting to give my daughter a happy mom and dad, wanting to give her the best of me, not a stretched-thin me. Wanting to feel the freedom of doing whatever we want, without the added stress of another child.  Believing that another child would more likely take away from our happiness rather than add to it (for us of course, this is certainly not the case for every family).  Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to respond, but I just wanted to add in here that I think "waffling" is actually a positive thing: it means you/me/anyone is truly thinking about things, not just blindly making decisions, not just making decisions because it is what everyone else is doing or not doing. 

[LauraLG3]

I totally know where you are coming from t2009!  On my pro/con lists, environmental issues always way heavy.  I am an American living in Australia, about to return home.  I think America is a very hectic place and there are many fears there when it comes to children - it's not the kind of place you let your kid play in the front yard alone (or is that just fear-mongering from the media.)  I waited a long time (38) to have a child because of all the fears and stresses surrounding children.  I didn't decide to have a child until I left the states and saw that maybe the whole world really wasn't that bad.
 

Originally Posted by t2009 

Hugs, mama! I agree with what you already seem to know... having another babe isn't going to fix the feelings of restlessness that you feel. (And if you need a shrink to help you come to peace with that... by all means you should!)

Plus, I'm totally with you on the bolded above. My DH & I really feel that we are just starting to get to know each other again (DS is still a bit young for us to feel completely able re-focus on our marriage, but we're starting). But I'm also a waffler.

Which brings me to another question: Has anyone made to choice to limit their family to one child based on environmental concerns? The thought is there in the back of my mind, though I don't really think I'd personally make the decision on that alone. But (I know this will offend parents of many... sorry, this is just my opinion...) I sometimes feel it's irresponsible (environmentally) to cultivate a large family in a day & age when it's fairly easy prevent pregnancy. Am I (or Al Gore) going to convince people to have small families for this reason? NO! I think the biological urge to reproduce is quite strong & difficult to fight. But, I don't know, I kinda think for me it's a reason to limit my family size. (Plus, after bringing DS into the world & really thinking about that fact, I don't know that I want to bring more people into THIS world right now... but that's another story...) Is this all crazy?

[iris777888]

I really like the reminder that constant re-evaluation is a good thing. I apply that approach to many other aspects of my life, but never gave it a thought in regard to this choice.

I'm like 99% sure that we only want one, but occasionally the doubting thoughts creep in. I find myself picking names I'd like to use if we ever had a girl for instance and get a twinge of sadness knowing I'll never get to use it. I wonder about how my son would react to a sibling. Sometimes I think, if it happened on accident I wouldn't be that upset, and wish we didn't have to make the decision. I never seriously consider it, but I do ponder it often.

But I also have experiences that re-enforce the decision to stick with one kid, daily wake up calls that make me remember why we chose this way. And when I consciously think about it, I quickly return to all the reasons we're not having more. For us, environment was one thing but not a deciding factor by any means.

[rhianna813]

So before DS my cat was my "baby" then when the 4 legged baby was born, poor kitty got neglected. Well... now that DS is 7 and getting a bit passed hearing my gaga googoo over him, my cat Neo has become my baby once again. Oh how he loves it! I rock him in my arms and sweet moopy talk him and say he's my booboobaby. DH just rolls his eyes.

But ya know what, when you're too chicken to have a second child a pet can do wonders :-)

Rhianna

[Snapdragon]

I kind of feel sometimes that if I had started younger I might want a second. I am 38 and ds is one. I want to fully mother him in all his baby-ness, and absoultely want to just have one for now. but once he is in school, say around age 4 or something- I could totally see wanting a second perhaps. But then I will be 41- so I feel like that may be on the late side. I know it is still okay age to have a baby but it seems on the high end of what I am comfortable with! so I guess I feel mixed feelings about it sometimes. Because that thought is only a maybe- only on days like today when ds was so sweet and cute and happy. Then I am like- oh , this is amazing. I should really have another! But on more challenging days I am like-  one is plenty!

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by Snapdragon Because that thought is only a maybe- only on days like today when ds was so sweet and cute and happy. Then I am like- oh , this is amazing. I should really have another! But on more challenging days I am like-  one is plenty!

 

I always had the thought I wanted to adopt before having DS and feel that if I did get the yearning for another, that is what I would do.  Possibly foster. 

[puffingirl]

It's funny, but I am most open to the idea of a 2nd on Mondays--everyone is back into the groove after the weekend, DD is at school for a few hours and I have the morning to myself and everyone is in a well-rested, good mood.  By Thursday I can barely handle the one I've got, never mind another!  

[Erin77]

I am 99% sure that we are a one-child family. My son is only 7 months, but having a newborn tore me up emotionally- it has gotten so much better as he gets older, I can never see opening myself up to that again. The environmental concerns also weigh heavily on me, as well as how I've always wanted us to spend more time traveling. I don't see us doing as much traveling/cultural things with more kids, not to mention that we can all feel more financially secure if there's fewer of us. My husband would love us to have a second but I'm not seeing it happening AT ALL. 

I myself am one of two, and while I love my brother, he's 7 years younger and we were raised very separately, I don't see being an only child as being an abnormal way to grow up. 

[mtbmomma]

Originally Posted by t2009 

Hugs, mama! I agree with what you already seem to know... having another babe isn't going to fix the feelings of restlessness that you feel. (And if you need a shrink to help you come to peace with that... by all means you should!)

Plus, I'm totally with you on the bolded above. My DH & I really feel that we are just starting to get to know each other again (DS is still a bit young for us to feel completely able re-focus on our marriage, but we're starting). But I'm also a waffler.

Which brings me to another question: Has anyone made to choice to limit their family to one child based on environmental concerns? The thought is there in the back of my mind, though I don't really think I'd personally make the decision on that alone. But (I know this will offend parents of many... sorry, this is just my opinion...) I sometimes feel it's irresponsible (environmentally) to cultivate a large family in a day & age when it's fairly easy prevent pregnancy. Am I (or Al Gore) going to convince people to have small families for this reason? NO! I think the biological urge to reproduce is quite strong & difficult to fight. But, I don't know, I kinda think for me it's a reason to limit my family size. (Plus, after bringing DS into the world & really thinking about that fact, I don't know that I want to bring more people into THIS world right now... but that's another story...) Is this all crazy?

I agree with you on this last part.  DH was the one who convinced me to have only one child, as I wasn't really sure of the number I wanted, and this is one of his top reasons.  He is studying resource management in grad school, so it was a logical concern.  I really think it is a personal responsibility to do our part to conserve our natural resources, and I think controlling the population individually is part of that. 

[Snapdragon]

It sounds to me like you are just unsure about it.  Maybe you just ant one child but maybe you do want another one. It is okay to not know yet! I don't know yet myself. I think it is sort of exciting to not know yet! But did you say your dh doesn't want another? Or is he open to it? Because if he doesn't, then do you want another but feel you have to stifle that feeling?As for the restlessness, I know that feeling! I don't know what having another is like. Maybe the restless ness IS a longing for a second- I would say maybe you can just keep your possibilities open!