ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only? It is so different to be so busy with a little one- but I wonder how having an only is as they are older. In that situation, I can see myself possibly wanting another.
Snapdragon, my child is 8.
As you can see from my signature, we had another child but he passed away at 10 weeks old. We don't know if we will have more - genetics was unclear and we have to be willing to take a risk.
I will be honest - it's kinda boring at this age to have an only. Sure, we have his activities, but I can handle more. He used to be my main focus, and he does not need that attention anymore.
Yes, it's nice in ways. We can leave him for the weekend with my parents, no worries. We sleep in on weekends if we want to and he takes care of not only himself, but the dog if I ask. There are many positives.
But I am ready for more, for another little to cloth diaper, nurse and watch 24/7. I'm sure not everyone feels that way .. but as my "baby" grows into a young man, it makes me that much more ready for another one.
Of course, at this point, I have no clue if that will ever happen. Some days that is very hard.
ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only? It is so different to be so busy with a little one- but I wonder how having an only is as they are older. In that situation, I can see myself wanting another. oh jeez I am in that stage of my cycle where by body is wanting another baby- so I speak from that place. I had a decent pregnancy but a scary birth experience- so that is a factor too. Like, do I want to go through that again? Anyway.
Actually, one of the reasons we're so committed to having an only is because of what we saw when watching friends with older onlies. Obviously, family dynamics differ, but we've been so impressed with how these friends are to their older children--it seems like a family unit of three rather than a parents vs. kids situation. One family we know does tons of traveling, which is something that we'd like to do and would be much less able to afford if we had multiple kids. Having singletons is not so unusual in my social circles (in dd's pre-K class, 5 kids are onlies, and dh and I each have several colleagues with only one child), so I hear a lot about how great it is!
Perhaps we're unusual, but we've never had a moment of doubt about not having another. I do like thinking about baby names, but getting the opportunity to name something hardly seems like a reason to have another child--maybe a goldfish! :lol
ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only?
Our only is 12.5 and we enjoy her very much. She is a great travel companion. They do keep you busy since at this age they have lots of activities and stuff they want to do with friends, but limited capability of transporting themselves!
My only regret for an only has been the comfort siblings can bring as you lose a parent. My mom is dying and I do like having my siblings to talk to, along with my spouse. Friends only want to hear so much, you know? I hope our daughter finds a great mate for when she hits this stage of life.
Hello! It's interesting to me that many of the posts I have perused so far (though no, I have not read all 1500+!) seem to be about whether or not to have another kiddo. I have had thoughts and feelings about this myself, of course, but at the moment, I'm here to comment on how it can irk me when people make assumptions about only children. I should be used to it as I am also an only child (and fairly happy that way), but I do tire of often explaining patiently that no, not all onlies have zillions of toys. No, not all onlies are socially inept. No, not all onlies are loners. No, not all onlies have trouble sharing.
I also grow tired of parents who have more children giving me the "you don't know how it is" vibe. I definitely don't know how it is to have more kids, or to have a daughter (since I have a boy), or to navigate the sibling issues--I would never claim to know how it is.
I also have trouble with the "Why aren't you going to have more kids?" query from people I don't know very well (I can handle it from people I know intimately). DS is an only because I am too old to have another, we are too poor to have another, and we had two losses, one before and one after DS. Yes, I like babies and kids. Mothering DS is the most important thing I have ever done. Am I alone in thinking that the why-no-more question is a very personal question?
Thanks for reading this vent! Comments are welcome--as long as they are not only-child stereotyping! 
Thanks for your comments Pepe. If only there was a very clever way to tell people to mind their own business. My sister-in-law likes to say "it's my puzzle to solve" when confronted with her parenting choices - perhaps I'll try that one.
My issue at the moment is a big move. My son is only 16 months, but very social and getting lonely for playmates while we live in an apt waiting for our new house to be available. What is the fastest way to meet other little ones? I havn't been able to find any playgroups.
Thanks for your comments Pepe. If only there was a very clever way to tell people to mind their own business. My sister-in-law likes to say "it's my puzzle to solve" when confronted with her parenting choices - perhaps I'll try that one.
My issue at the moment is a big move. My son is only 16 months, but very social and getting lonely for playmates while we live in an apt waiting for our new house to be available. What is the fastest way to meet other little ones? I havn't been able to find any playgroups.
I LOVE your SIL's response. I am totally stealing that...and using it on MANY fronts! ha! :)
I've met some interesting mamas with babies Z's age through a swimming class we took and by going to lap sit reading times at the library.
This past weekend was her first birthday. I enjoyed her first year but am so excited to move forward and not have to do it again.
I am in complete and total agreeance about this being a personal topic. Alot of times I wish people would just find something else to discuss instead mine and DH's personal life choices that we are perfectly capable of making on our own, without the unwanted and sometimes negative input of others who have no business in the first place, most especially when some of them do not even have children, sticking their noses where they do not belong. It is a touchy subject for me as well, I too am an only. I had a few issues growing up, but it is all in how your parents decide to parent you in my opinion.
Sincerely,
J
J, doesn't everyone have a few issues growing up? I think it happens whether you have 0 siblings or 10.
Hello Everyone,
I'm new and would like to join this group. Our son is 7 months old, and after saying we didnt want kids, we decided.. we want one. I totally get the oh you will change your mind all the time. While I do miss him being a little bity baby, I do not want to deal with sibling issues.. money issues.. ect..
Welcome, marie113. I think it's great going into parenthood knowing or feeling you want to have an only. We certainly did. I remember early on, we would give away our beautiful baby things when dd outgrew them. A friend commented on this and asked if we were "done." She said it had never occurred to her that her dd wouldn't have siblings. It never occurred to me that mine would! Never crossed my mind to save things for another child. There wouldn't be one! We have loved parenting our only girlie.
Having said that...
I have just passed the 1-year anniversary of my miscarriage and subsequent diagnosis of a large ovarian cyst. I am now 43 years old. We were absolutely parents of an only by choice, until last year when I was 42, we decided to try again. I got pregnant within 2 months and then miscarried at barely 7 weeks. Then was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst and told not to try again until it resolved or was removed. I still have it. It made our final decision for us. I think it has helped me (and even dh) immensely that we are now "back to baseline." Our ideal family size was 3 (dh, me and dc); we just had a late change of heart. It made me appreciate her so much more. But there are conflicting feelings to say the least and I have felt this loss so strongly over the past week or so. So very strongly. I LOVE children--everyones' children--and I love, love, love being a mom. I love the birthday parties, the artwork, the crazy energy, the school meetings...everything. I am in love with my daughter and am amazed at the joy she has brought us. I wish I had a houseful of children. And yet, being a family of 3 is perfect for us. We are car-free by choice, don't want high-powered jobs and therefore the income that goes with them and enjoy being able to spend so much time with dd. And she loves being an only. On one hand, I look at my good friend who has a 6-month-old and think, "that should be me." OTOH, I look at my 7-year-old and think "I can go back to school soon."
Holy crap, what a mixed bag!!!!
Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.
We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.
Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."
WTF?!? First of all, my dd does not need "fixing." She's actually one of the best behaved kids I know, and I hardly think a little indignation and whining in that situation was anything other than age-appropriate. Second, how is it "an only child" thing when ALL the kids were over-stimulated and fighting. Some of the boys were hitting each other and wrestling over toys...is that "sibling behavior"? And finally, how in God's name would adding another child to the mix make that particular situation BETTER?!?
Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out. Normally that stuff just rolls off my back, but for some reason this comment really infuriated me.
Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.
We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.
Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."
WTF?!? First of all, my dd does not need "fixing." She's actually one of the best behaved kids I know, and I hardly think a little indignation and whining in that situation was anything other than age-appropriate. Second, how is it "an only child" thing when ALL the kids were over-stimulated and fighting. Some of the boys were hitting each other and wrestling over toys...is that "sibling behavior"? And finally, how in God's name would adding another child to the mix make that particular situation BETTER?!?
Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out. Normally that stuff just rolls off my back, but for some reason this comment really infuriated me
So sorry you had to deal with this ignorant comment. I've gotten those kinds of statements before and they made me mad too. (HUGS) At least you know it's a crazy statement and has nothing to do with your DD and plenty to do with the mindset of the person that made the comment. Hope you were able to blow it off after venting and enjoy the rest of your day.
DH and I just finished spending a zillion and a half (it feels like) dollars on some couples therapy sessions to deal with our differences in family size preferences. While I would have perhaps enjoyed a short cruise with that money instead, I think it was worth it.
Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.
We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.
Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."
WTF?!? First of all, my dd does not need "fixing." She's actually one of the best behaved kids I know, and I hardly think a little indignation and whining in that situation was anything other than age-appropriate. Second, how is it "an only child" thing when ALL the kids were over-stimulated and fighting. Some of the boys were hitting each other and wrestling over toys...is that "sibling behavior"? And finally, how in God's name would adding another child to the mix make that particular situation BETTER?!?
Whew. Thanks for letting me get that out. Normally that stuff just rolls off my back, but for some reason this comment really infuriated me.
That would annoy me too. Some people always look for an excuse to blame normal behavior on lack of siblings.
ANother thing on this topinc: I am curious to hear from moms of onlies whose kids are "older' such as 12 or older. At this stage, how does it feel to have an only? It is so different to be so busy with a little one- but I wonder how having an only is as they are older. In that situation, I can see myself possibly wanting another.
My dd is 11. Every stage brings its own challenges and joys. I don't want more kids. I am happy to be done with baby stuff. Dd entertains herself pretty well so I have more free time. I'm starting to think of what I can do for myself and what I want to do in 7 years. I'm looking forward to more couple time with dh.
Talk to me when dd moves out on her own and maybe I'll want more kids or maybe I'll just get a puppy.
I'm sorry about your mom.
My mom died suddenly in January. I haven't really heard from my siblings since the funeral. We never talked much during the process either about their feelings. Dh was my awesome support person. You really can't chat with most people about it for as long as you need to process it. Six months later I'm still working through my grief. It is better than month 1 and I hate that it is getting better. Dh understands this weirdness.
I hope dd will have a good relationship with dh as well as me in addition to having a spouse or close friends.
I am struggling a bit with my new relationship with my father. I was very close to my mother and my dad was sort of hands off. He is hard to communicate with.
I actually had someone recently tell me the "if you don't have more kids how can you guarantee someone will look after you when you're older?" line this week. gargh!
There is no guarantee that your kid(s) will look after you, no matter how many you have. Particularly if you are the type of parent that had more than one so that they could entertain/fix/discipline each other. My MIL did this, and now has a relationship with only one of them (out of 4). She expected them to take care of each other, and never had much of a meaningful relationship with them.
I think it's vital to know what your limitations are as a parent. I could not handle more than one, and would feel guilty being stretched so thin that I couldn't be as attentive as I would like.
I am struggling a bit with my new relationship with my father. I was very close to my mother and my dad was sort of hands off. He is hard to communicate with.
I just want to send you great big hugs. 
I'm so happy to hear that you have a great partner who understands your way of processing your grief. If everyone could be so lucky this world would be such a different place.
Hey, mamas. I just need to post because I am SEETHING with anger.
We were at a "preschool graduation" party for my dd's class at school. Dd woke up insanely early this morning (a quarter to five--she normally sleeps until 6:30/7), so by the late afternoon, she was completely exhausted and edgy. All of the kids were pretty overwrought, in fact--the hype of graduation, lots of sugar, end of the day, etc. The party was in someone's backyard--tons of kids, very small space, not a ton of play equipment. Naturally, there were a bunch of scuffles over toys and space. Dd was having a little scuffle with another kid over a swing; the other kid was pushing her and she was angry about it, and she came over and said something to us. We told her to pick another toy, and she went back to playing.
Another mother next to me said, "Oh, that's such an only child thing. You really need to have another. That will fix dd right up."
Ick. I really feel that it is so unfair that another mama would judge your choices and push her standards of life on you. Since when did other parents become experts on your life and more so, your kid? grr!
I think it's vital to know what your limitations are as a parent. I could not handle more than one, and would feel guilty being stretched so thin that I couldn't be as attentive as I would like.
I love this statement. It is very very very true and I feel the exact same way. I know my limitations and I know what I want!
My step-mother was giving me the once over about DD having a sister today "you and your sister are so close, how could you not want that for Z?" is a common theme I hear. As I said today, my sister and I are so close because it was a freaking survival tactic as a kid! A united front against the tyranny of my mother's wicked ways... I don't want THAT for Z. what the crap?! 
Welcome, marie113. I think it's great going into parenthood knowing or feeling you want to have an only. We certainly did. I remember early on, we would give away our beautiful baby things when dd outgrew them. A friend commented on this and asked if we were "done." She said it had never occurred to her that her dd wouldn't have siblings. It never occurred to me that mine would! Never crossed my mind to save things for another child. There wouldn't be one! We have loved parenting our only girlie.
Having said that...
I have just passed the 1-year anniversary of my miscarriage and subsequent diagnosis of a large ovarian cyst. I am now 43 years old. We were absolutely parents of an only by choice, until last year when I was 42, we decided to try again. I got pregnant within 2 months and then miscarried at barely 7 weeks. Then was diagnosed with an ovarian cyst and told not to try again until it resolved or was removed. I still have it. It made our final decision for us. I think it has helped me (and even dh) immensely that we are now "back to baseline." Our ideal family size was 3 (dh, me and dc); we just had a late change of heart. It made me appreciate her so much more. But there are conflicting feelings to say the least and I have felt this loss so strongly over the past week or so. So very strongly. I LOVE children--everyones' children--and I love, love, love being a mom. I love the birthday parties, the artwork, the crazy energy, the school meetings...everything. I am in love with my daughter and am amazed at the joy she has brought us. I wish I had a houseful of children. And yet, being a family of 3 is perfect for us. We are car-free by choice, don't want high-powered jobs and therefore the income that goes with them and enjoy being able to spend so much time with dd. And she loves being an only. On one hand, I look at my good friend who has a 6-month-old and think, "that should be me." OTOH, I look at my 7-year-old and think "I can go back to school soon."
Holy crap, what a mixed bag!!!!
Sorry, mama, for your loss.
I can totally see changing my mind later in the game (so to speak), which is why I have such a hard time with "finalizing" our decision to have an only. We are very happy right now, but since we both have siblings (& relatively healthy relationships with them) it's really hard to imagine life raising just one. More than one just seems "normal" since it's what we grew up in & what is culturally the norm.
Also, you never know the reasons for a small family size -- as in your case carfreemama -- which is why it's such a personal thing. Everyone seems to assume that everything is a choice, when it's not always the case. I think it's so presumptuous for people to ask the question "aren't you having another." I know often people ask it without thinking & without intending hurt, but still -- people SHOULD think before they ask thoughtless questions!
There is no guarantee that your kid(s) will look after you, no matter how many you have. Particularly if you are the type of parent that had more than one so that they could entertain/fix/discipline each other. My MIL did this, and now has a relationship with only one of them (out of 4). She expected them to take care of each other, and never had much of a meaningful relationship with them.
I think it's vital to know what your limitations are as a parent. I could not handle more than one, and would feel guilty being stretched so thin that I couldn't be as attentive as I would like.
I love this idea -- to know your limits as a parent. That's great!
I would love to have more babies. As an only myself, I was fascinated by the sibling relationship. My DH has a brother and their relationship is enviable by most. I certainly know enough friends who do not have the same kind of relationship with their siblings, but I still think that it's amazing. Having someone else who looks like you, someone who will help you plan events around your parents lives (bithday's, anniversaries, mother and father's days, retirement parties... etc) as an only, it's me, or it's not happening.
We went through IVF to have our son and if we could afford to go through it a second time, I would do it in a heartbeat!
my DS is one year old and I miss having a little baby. I treasure every second I spend with my little man and am elated and saddened when each milestone is achieved. Knowing that there will never be another one.
I would love to have more babies. As an only myself, I was fascinated by the sibling relationship. My DH has a brother and their relationship is enviable by most. I certainly know enough friends who do not have the same kind of relationship with their siblings, but I still think that it's amazing. Having someone else who looks like you, someone who will help you plan events around your parents lives (bithday's, anniversaries, mother and father's days, retirement parties... etc) as an only, it's me, or it's not happening.
We went through IVF to have our son and if we could afford to go through it a second time, I would do it in a heartbeat!
my DS is one year old and I miss having a little baby. I treasure every second I spend with my little man and am elated and saddened when each milestone is achieved. Knowing that there will never be another one.
Have you considered adoption?? That's probably a dumb question but you really sound like you want another baby and that child would be very lucky to have you!!! 
My dad has 2 siblings and he still is the only one to plan events for his parents lives as the other two don't have the $ or care to do so. Plus, my biological sister looks NOTHING like me. So, again, having a sibling is a guarantee of nothing - even looks! haha! Seriously, though, people want to know all the time if we have the same parents... YUP the exact same 2.
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