Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 9

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by katheek77

On the other topic, my MIL is now saying I "owe" her a grandSON. Not just another grandCHILD. Nope. A grandSON. I guess she thinks you can custom order them now. : She's on my hit list for other reasons...mainly smacking my daughter (all of 12 mos old), so, if she thinks she's getting another grandchild (excuse me...a grandSON) out of me, she's got another thing coming. I know it's snarky, but I can NOT wait to announce to her, some day soon, in person, hopefully, that DH got the old snip-snip.

I did have a positive only experience on Tuesday. DD and I went to a living history place, and the older woman (50s? 60s?) at the desk asked how old she was, was she my first, were we having any more, etc. And I said, "Nope, she's our first, and we don't plan on having any more", and she said, totally sincerely, as far as I can tell, "Oh, isn't she lucky? Such a precious baby, and she'll get you all to herself and you'll get to enjoy every minute."

Maybe she can be my MIL?

Yes, I'm feeling snarky tonight.

Snark away! That's what we're here for.

I (sort-of) recall the thread about your MIL and the smacking. Yikes. That might be a deal-breaker for me. Hopefully, you've layed out your ground rules really, REALLY clearly now. And asking for a specific sex of grandchild? That's kind of sick. How bout' a healthy one...let's start there maybe. Ugh.

You must have the patience of Job. (Sorry for the Bible quote...you'll notice I post in the Atheist Tribe too )

See my MIL has to deal with our wanting an only, lack of religion and general nonconformity. (Although she was pretty cool with my delayed/non vaxing plan)

I think your positive experience was genuine. There actually are people in this world who respect others' decisions. I know, they are few and far between...but they're there if you look really hard! You talk to Living History Lady and I talk to Starbuck's Lady.

[AntMom]

ahh, questions, questions--I always used to be surprised when people asked if my ds was my "first." I always said, well, he's my only. When does an only stop being called a "first"?

My neighbor once referred to "first-time mothers." (she has 3 kids.) I thought that sounded strange too. Once you're a mother, you're a mother. More kids don't make you more of a mother.

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by AntMom

Once you're a mother, you're a mother. More kids don't make you more of a mother.

hear, hear!

when my mom gives me crap about it, she usually requests a granddaughter. what's sickest about that is that it's only so she could buy her barbies and makeup and play dress up... with a human f'ing being. i've told her tons of times that, if she really wants to buy dresses so badly, she can just get a few for casi. i'd imagine he wouldn't care much either way, and he already wears little mermaid undies (his choice).

[female18-]

Sorry you are all having a hard time with people keep making kind of rude comments about you not having a second child. I think that woman was right, our child gets to have us all to themselves, and we get to fully enjoy everything they do. We arent pre-occupied with 'our other kids', trying to spread ourselves evenly between them all etc etc ETC.

I watched a show on tv last night (really good!) about a family drama basically.
Well the mother said one thing that got me feeling I should have another child some day.
She was going through something really difficult in her personal life, and she made the comment 'I have lots of family to support me and get me through this, so I'll be ok.'

So I felt like...ds (aged 4) wont be able to say that as he will only have his parents. Does anyone know what I mean and have an opinion about it?

[RoundAbout]

Originally Posted by female18-

So I felt like...ds (aged 4) wont be able to say that as he will only have his parents. Does anyone know what I mean and have an opinion about it?

I've thought about this, but honestly I know very few adults who are close to their siblings. Even if they get along in a basic sense, they don't necessarily live near each other or have the same outlook.

I'm an only child and will probably stick with just one child of my own. I have my husband and friends to get me through difficult times. These are people that I chose to have in my life, people who share my values, not just someone who is bound to me by shared genetics.

Personally I loved being an only child! I got tons of attention from parents who I am very close to, lots of quiet time to myself to read and do other activities, got to do some "adult" things like eating in nice restaurants, and I think we ended up doing more stuff like going away for weekends/going out, because it was just so much easier with one child. I still got plenty of kid time with friends from school and the neighborhood.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by female18-

Sorry you are all having a hard time with people keep making kind of rude comments about you not having a second child. I think that woman was right, our child gets to have us all to themselves, and we get to fully enjoy everything they do. We arent pre-occupied with 'our other kids', trying to spread ourselves evenly between them all etc etc ETC.

I watched a show on tv last night (really good!) about a family drama basically.
Well the mother said one thing that got me feeling I should have another child some day.
She was going through something really difficult in her personal life, and she made the comment 'I have lots of family to support me and get me through this, so I'll be ok.'

So I felt like...ds (aged 4) wont be able to say that as he will only have his parents. Does anyone know what I mean and have an opinion about it?

I do know what you mean and as an only child I definitely have an opinion. It seems (based on your posts here) that this is an important issue for you.

I honestly think the idea of having a large family equals lots of support in difficult times...is like a Hallmark card myth. Yes, it happens. And, it's wonderful when it does. But, small families get through pain and trauma just fine too.

You watched a TV show which depicted a fictional situation, but it started you thinking. That's good. I'll share my story of exactly what you're worried about. How will an only child deal with the ultimate difficulty...losing their parent.

Example. My Dad passed away 2 years ago from a massive heart attack. He died in my Mom's arms while they were on vacation in Florida. Then, within 10 hours a Category 3 hurricane hit. My Mom was alone, as was I to deal with all the details. You know what? We got through it. There are LOTS of ways to deal with things besides family. Many close friends circled around us for help and support. I sought help from a grief counselor. And in the end, my Mom ended up moving to my city and living across the street!

Only children can be very resourceful. When you spend 30 years living the life an only child you are already better prepared to deal with things alone. That's how you've done it all your life. So, you're worried about your son looking around one day and saying...gee I don't have any family. BUT, that's who he is. He's already prepared for that. In fact, he's probably better equiped to deal with things than many people.

Life is full of what-ifs. What if I had family and they let me down during that time?

One thing I learned through the experience and the counseling is you can never let a day pass without appreciating your loved ones. They truly can be gone tomorrow. And, I don't make decisions now for something that may or may not happen 25 years from now.

[WillyMom]

Devster and Roundabout,
Tell me about your childhoods.
Were you lonely? Did you feel different? Do you think you are closer to your parents than others?
I agree with your comments about most people not being that close to siblings, I have two and only speak to one who lives 500 miles away and hasn't even met my DS who is turning one this month:
Have you all checked out the Moms with too many kids tribe? It is interesting!
P.S. Devster, love your sunflowers!!!!

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by RoundAbout

I have my husband and friends to get me through difficult times. These are people that I chose to have in my life, people who share my values, not just someone who is bound to me by shared genetics.

:

"only" child definitely doesn't have to equal "lonely" child.

[AntMom]

Originally Posted by caspian's mama

hear, hear!

when my mom gives me crap about it, she usually requests a granddaughter. what's sickest about that is that it's only so she could buy her barbies and makeup and play dress up... with a human f'ing being. i've told her tons of times that, if she really wants to buy dresses so badly, she can just get a few for casi. i'd imagine he wouldn't care much either way, and he already wears little mermaid undies (his choice).

lol . . . maybe you can just buy your mom some barbies to play with?

WillyMom--I was an only too, and I can try to answer your questions. I guess I was a little lonely before I went to school, but after that, not really. Back in the '70s there were no playgroups or gymboree, kwim? I don't feel "different," since I don't really know any other way to be than an only. It never bothered me that I didn't have a brother or sister, and I didn't want one. I am very close to my mom, maybe more than other people with sisters. Many people thought we were sisters (still do, actually--she was 19 when she had me). As for my dad, I wouldn't say we're closer than others, but both of my parents always treated me with respect growing up and we relate on an adult level.

I don't think my son (age 4) is lonely at all. He has so many friends and activities, and we are so much more social than I was with my mom at his age. I made sure of that. He is very outgoing, way more than me, so I think I'm doing the right thing. Maybe I am more aware of what he needs as an only (i.e., outside friends and activities) because I want him to have what I missed. I did not, however, miss having a brother or sister, so I don't feel like he needs that. Does that make sense?

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[rambunctiouscurls]

Devster, Roundabout and Antmom,
Thank you for your posts and your insight. I enjoyed reading your posts. I have a question for everyone: Were both you and your partner on board with the idea of an only? If not, how did you convince or get persuaded by the other?

I thought my partner and I were on the same page since he agreed to get a vasectomy in 5 years but turns out, He is hoping I will change my mind until then. He says he understands why I want to stick with only one but still wants to have multiple dc's. Honestly, the thought of accidently gettin gpregnant and having another baby scares the heck outta me so I KNOW I do not want another child. This latest development however makes me feel very .. odd. Like I am withholding something from him or that I'm not fulfilling his dreams. But what about mine? y'know? He is not pushy about it and said he will *settle* for just one if that's what I really want. Suddenly, though, I want him to get the big V tomorrow

We decided to keep this topic open for discussion though.

[rambunctiouscurls]

Originally Posted by WillyMom

Have you all checked out the Moms with too many kids tribe? It is interesting!
P.S. Devster, love your sunflowers!!!!

I just hopped on over there and I have to say, it totally reinforces my decision to have an only child.

[female18-]

Good point, you can choose who you want as your friends but you cant with family, so you very well might end up with siblings you arent close to at all.

The tv show just made me think about it, because we all have a lot of difficulties and struggles in our lives. Can you rely on friends to always be there when you need them, when you need to depend on someone, or you get really sick and need them to help take care of you? Most people I know arent very reliable, let me down frequently, and are very busy with their own lives and families/family drama to offer that kind of support and help.

I take comfort in the fact I have a big family. Although Im not that close to my siblings, I know in the future if I need them, they will be there for me. You might not see or talk to eachother much, but if something awful were to happen, you know you can always turn to family members, and they can turn to you. I guess its a kind of responsibility you feel towards eachother because you are family...if thats the right word.

Or am I wrong? I dont know..
What do you think?

I hope everyone has a good weekend too! And im going to take a look in the forum for moms with too many kids

[DeeCee]

If you're thinking about checking out the Tribe for Mommies with too many kids...don't. I'm now hiding under my desk in the fetal position

If that didn't help me make up my mind about have one child, nothing will.

Have a great weekend ladies!!!

[bluetoes]

I think part of my issue is wanting to do everything just right for the wee man. That would be more difficult with two. Not that I plan to be the helicopter overparenting monster, but I want to be able to do things right, basically trying to quell my over developed sense of guilt and associated hypervigilance. Oh and I worry too much!:

[WillyMom]

DeeCee your post has me LOL!
I know, I got stressed reading that thread but I applaud those Mama's for being so honest.
Two days ago DS would not nap and he was just melting. He was literally walking with his eyes closing! Nursing, rocking, nothing helped so DH had to take him for a drive b/c it was apparent that he needed to sleep:
When thay left the house I thought how do you deal with that AND a baby???
The more I think about it the more I think I am ready to committ 100% to Ben being our only. And how lucky are we? He is so fab if I may say so myself

[RoundAbout]

Originally Posted by WillyMom

Devster and Roundabout,
Tell me about your childhoods.
Were you lonely? Did you feel different? Do you think you are closer to your parents than others?

I definitely did not feel lonely. We lived in the same neighborhood for most of my childhood and had lots of friends. My parents were also very "hands on" when it came to play - they would get down on the floor with me when I was younger and played board games with me and take me out for bike rides when I was older. I think if you're the kind of parent who just expects a kid to play by themselves in their room then it can be harder with an only.

Although to be honest, I had lots of alone time too. I had a quiet temperament and loved to read and draw and engaged in a lot of imaginative play on my own. I don't know which came first though - whether being an only led to liking quiet time, or whether I was just naturally that way. I have to say that one of the reasons I am leaning towards an only myself is that I just cannot handle the chaos of having lots of kids around for long periods of time. I still like to read, have quiet conversation, etc. I feel like with my son my life is in perfect balance and I still get the adult time that I need.

I am still very close to my parents and we did lots things together as a family. Even little stuff - I remember Saturday mornings my mom would say "help me clean the house and we'll go out for lunch together." I was involved in everything they did. I liked the fact that I was treated like a full member of the family and that my opinions mattered even as a child. In a lot of other families it seemed like there were 2 sides - the parents and the kids - and it never seemed as cohesive as what we had in our 3 person family.

Hope this helps.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by RoundAbout

I definitely did not feel lonely. We lived in the same neighborhood for most of my childhood and had lots of friends. My parents were also very "hands on" when it came to play - they would get down on the floor with me when I was younger and played board games with me and take me out for bike rides when I was older. I think if you're the kind of parent who just expects a kid to play by themselves in their room then it can be harder with an only.

Roundabout, overall I could have written this post. It's amazing, really. I've been thinking about the request to, "describe my childhood." It's hard to sum it up in a few paragraphs, but you did a great job!

I think all the effort and time Moms of multiple children spend dealing with sibling rivalry, Moms of onlies spend entertaining! My Dad taught me Blackjack and Poker as soon as I could count. He also taught me to play chess...which I totally suck at. His ability to focus on just me, allowed us to spend *literally* hours playing catch, tennis, or whatever.

Originally Posted by RoundAbout

Although to be honest, I had lots of alone time too. I had a quiet temperament and loved to read and draw and engaged in a lot of imaginative play on my own. I don't know which came first though - whether being an only led to liking quiet time, or whether I was just naturally that way. I have to say that one of the reasons I am leaning towards an only myself is that I just cannot handle the chaos of having lots of kids around for long periods of time. I still like to read, have quiet conversation, etc. I feel like with my son my life is in perfect balance and I still get the adult time that I need.

Agreed. I still need lots of alone time. In fact, extended time around lots of people is very draining for me. I also gravitate to just a few close friends. I really don't have a huge friend circle.

Originally Posted by RoundAbout

I am still very close to my parents and we did lots things together as a family. Even little stuff - I remember Saturday mornings my mom would say "help me clean the house and we'll go out for lunch together." I was involved in everything they did. I liked the fact that I was treated like a full member of the family and that my opinions mattered even as a child. In a lot of other families it seemed like there were 2 sides - the parents and the kids - and it never seemed as cohesive as what we had in our 3 person family.

Yep! I used to pout and tell my parents that I thought the only reason they had me was to be their maid.

I think a critical issue for parents of onlies is the high expectations they place on their child. I always felt an assumption that I was a "little adult." Even at a very young age. We would eat at fancy resaturants, go to concerts and museums. One criticism I would have of my childhood, is there weren't a lot of activities geared towords children. I just did what they did. But, even this has a positive side...only children learn to talk and interact with adults very early and very well. I remember strangers commenting how "grown up" I was and "well-behaved" in a restaurant.

I still put alot of pressure on myself to excel and often, be perfect. For me, I think this would be the biggest potential drawback of being an only child. (Or, maybe it's just a personality trait??) It just seems other people are more comfortable in their skin, kwim? (I'm working on this, though)

My goal for my DD is to provide a balance. I want to expose her to a wide variety of things, so she can choose what fits her personality and her soul. I don't want her to feel pressure to grow up fast.

[female18-]

Any thoughts or opinions on my last post?

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by female18-

Can you rely on friends to always be there when you need them, when you need to depend on someone, or you get really sick and need them to help take care of you? Most people I know arent very reliable, let me down frequently, and are very busy with their own lives and families/family drama to offer that kind of support and help.

I take comfort in the fact I have a big family. Although Im not that close to my siblings, I know in the future if I need them, they will be there for me. You might not see or talk to eachother much, but if something awful were to happen, you know you can always turn to family members, and they can turn to you. I guess its a kind of responsibility you feel towards eachother because you are family...if thats the right word.

Or am I wrong? I dont know..
What do you think?

I hope everyone has a good weekend too! And im going to take a look in the forum for moms with too many kids

Hope you're having a great weekend...it's HOT here.

I really do see your point. It's wonderful that you come from a large, supportive family. I think the thing to remember is your point-of-view comes from your experiences. (Everyone's does) Many people have family members they absolutely could NOT count on for anything. You say, "...you can always turn to family members." Well, not in my Mom's family. Her sister and she haven't spoken since their Mom's death. (That was over 10 years ago) When my Dad passed is was very traumatic. She sent a card a few months later...so you see, it depends on the family.

Having a sibling is no guarantee of help, support or anything.

Therefore, my Mom has made extra efforts to bond closely with friends, since she cannot count on her family.

Again, this does not discount your experiences. That's what makes the world go round'!! If you feel, deep in your soul, your child should have a large family for support, friendship or whatever...by all means, have more.

What I'm trying to point out in just about every post is....when you're an only child, that's all you know. So, you NEVER know the feeling of a sibling. Thus, (I) never missed it. It's hard to really miss something you never had. You grow up better prepared to deal with things yourself.

I hope I'm helping you....

[female18-]

Thanks devster that really helped! And very good point.