Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 10

[onlyzombiecat]

Nice to see this tribe so active. Good to hear from adult onlies as well.

I'm kind of past the stage where people are asking if we will have another.
My dd is 7 and dh had a vasectomy when she was 3. MIL did ask if we wanted to adopt a relative's twin babies (still unborn at this point). Dh and I both said no immediately. We like dd being more independent and are not interested in going through diapers, teething, potty training, etc. again, especially x2.

I grew up with siblings and dh grew up with siblings and when we've each had difficulties in life our parents and friends and spouse have been there for us- not our siblings. Both of us have 1 sibling that we never talk to on purpose and the others are wrapped up in their own lives so we never really see or hear from them except on holidays.

I think my dd will create her own support system with the people she loves and who love her. I don't worry about her being alone.

I think if we are positive about our family and our children being onlies than they will grow up and have that attitude.

[megadoula]

I have blood clotting issues and could have a stroke if I have another child. I come from a religious society and get comments about how I should be pregnant again by now. (My son is 16 months). I always wanted more children and we cannot afford to adopt. I am trying to feel at peace about my decision and get over the baby hungry feeling. Does anybody have any idea: s?

[WillyMom]

Thanks you Devster and Roundabout for insight into your childhood.
Megadoul, I am sorry you are going through a difficult time
Can you be honest with your family and peers and tell them why you are not having another child?
Also, why not take a step back and look at how lucky you are to have your son and focus on him and the present and not any what ifs. I know that is easier said than done but hopefully by reading all the posts here you can see that you, your son and husband can be a very happy family, even if the definition of family is different than what you had planned.

[caspian's mama]

thanks SOOO much for the "grown up onlies" viewpoints. i'm going to share them with dp.

[female18-]

What things should a parent of an only child be doing with regards to making sure their child has enough people around him/her? (so they socialise enough)

And is that the only issue for parents with onlies? Or are there more issues to think about?

[AntMom]

Megadoula, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I can't have another child either, but I know my case is different from yours. Even though if things were different I might have had another, I am at peace with one, mostly since I grew up as an only and I am comfortable with that. But I do know that baby-hungry feeling and how awful it is. I think it will get better with time, but I don't think it ever really goes away. I hope some of the comments here help you. ((hugs))

Female18, I don't think there are really many issues that are specific to only children as opposed to all children. I do make sure that my ds is busy, but I would probably do that if I had more than one, too. Maybe another is to avoid putting pressure on your only? Sometimes with one, I can see that sometimes you might push them to overachieve. Balance is the key.

[rupiezum]

Female18, I am currently reading - and enjoying very much - Maybe One by Bill McKibben. I think it might answer a lot of questions for you, and maybe ease some worries.

[widemouthedfrog]

Hi there! Can't remember if I introduced myself, but I have been lurking for some time. My dd is two years old, and we are debating whether we will have another. I developed insulin-dependent diabetes during pregnancy, and I am not too keen on going through another pregnancy. Also, I debated having no children for quite some time - or adopting - but dh really wanted one bio child. So here we are.

Megadoula, I am having similar feelings. In some ways, I would LOVE to go through the baby baby stage again, and I adore my daughter and would love to adopt a second. However, I don't want another pregnancy because I am concerned about its impacts on me and on a future child. Dh wants one - he's fairly certain about that. But there are those dratted baby cravings! :

I am trying to see our family as complete now. And then I have days when I see our family as complete with two. Sigh. Off to see that Mamas with Too Many Children. Maybe that will convince me!

[WillyMom]

I just ordered Maybe One!

I had such a cool experience yesterday. I was packing Ben and I up for the car ride home after playing in the park and a Mom and her 16mo DD walked by and we started chatting. We are the same age, live 10 minutes apart, both still nursing, part-time WOH, PT-cosleep and both considering an only.
Sure enough we exchanged numbers and are getting together tomorrow

[AntMom]

Originally Posted by WillyMom

I just ordered Maybe One!

I had such a cool experience yesterday. I was packing Ben and I up for the car ride home after playing in the park and a Mom and her 16mo DD walked by and we started chatting. We are the same age, live 10 minutes apart, both still nursing, part-time WOH, PT-cosleep and both considering an only.
Sure enough we exchanged numbers and are getting together tomorrow

Very cool! So nice when you click with someone like that. My DS was almost 3 when I met my best mom friend--she's also an only with an only, like me, and it is nice. I notice recently that it's so much easier for us to get together than it is to get together with my other friends just b/c we only have the two. Other friends have other kids and their schedules to worry about, just too complicated. Oh yeah, our kids are also the same age. She's 5 years younger than me, but other than that, we match pretty well!

Have fun tomorrow!

[WillyMom]

Hi Antmom,
I love to hear about Onlies having onlies, although I saw in your post it seems that the decison was made for you but you seem ok with it since you had a good experience yourself. Is that right? Not trying to get too personal
It was cool meeting her. Its funny we both seemed relieved when we said we were thinking one!

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by katheek77

I did have a positive only experience on Tuesday. DD and I went to a living history place, and the older woman (50s? 60s?) at the desk asked how old she was, was she my first, were we having any more, etc. And I said, "Nope, she's our first, and we don't plan on having any more", and she said, totally sincerely, as far as I can tell, "Oh, isn't she lucky? Such a precious baby, and she'll get you all to herself and you'll get to enjoy every minute."

Isn't it amazing how a perfect stranger can say just the right thing to make you feel all about certain details of your life while your relatives seem to get tied up in criticism/misunderstanding/ridiculous expectations? Kudos to history place lady. I'd like to call her up for daily affirmation. She expressed one of my many, complicated reasons for wanting my family to remain a threesome: time, time, time. Is it really so hard for other people to understand why having an only is so appealing in today's zoom-zoom culture? All I hear from parents of more than one is how all they do is run around hither and thither and all of a sudden the kids are grown up. Of course making a conscious effort as a family to lead a slower-paced life would solve that problem, but it seems to me that the bigger the family the more hectic life is. I don't operate well in hectic mode. :

And deep dark secret revelation time (I don't have a female role model in my family to discuss this with openly and honestly--it's all "of course you'll have another one" from MIL and, well, not much input from my mother for assorted reasons, and my mama friends don't seem willing to address or just don't share this fear): the reality of being the main caregiver to two or more babes terrifies me! As in cold-sweat lying awake at night fear. Can't it just simply be possible that some people weren't raised/born/made/have it in them to be mothers of a big, or even medium-size, brood? Am I an evil, selfish person because I honestly have mimimal interest in repeating what were some of the most truly amazing (but difficult) experiences in my life: pregnancy, childbirth, first twelve months with my babe? It's almost as if admitting your doubts about being able to "do it all" is unacceptable in our culture. Perhaps if we had child care help from family or friends we could really rely on my views would be different. And now that our bean is in toddlerdom a whole new world of learning and doing (aka adventure!) is opening up to us all--I risk again sounding selfish for looking forward to moving ahead instead of going backward to newborn land were we to add a second child in the coming years.

And lastly, I agree with a pp who wrote that you don't become more of a mother by having additional children. Rather, I'd argue that with the added responsibility you become a different mother, not more of a mother. (And of course the same is true for mamas of onlies--as our babes age we have to mother them differently, according to their age.)

Mothering is a hat with so many flaps and pockets and colors and as such none of our hats fit the same or look alike. Some days I swear mine shrunk in the wash! It'd be lovely if we could all accept and be accepted for our different styles. Ah, daydreaming again.

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by Coco_Hikes

And deep dark secret revelation time (I don't have a female role model in my family to discuss this with openly and honestly--it's all "of course you'll have another one" from MIL and, well, not much input from my mother for assorted reasons, and my mama friends don't seem willing to address or just don't share this fear): the reality of being the main caregiver to two or more babes terrifies me! As in cold-sweat lying awake at night fear. Can't it just simply be possible that some people weren't raised/born/made/have it in them to be mothers of a big, or even medium-size, brood? Am I an evil, selfish person because I honestly have mimimal interest in repeating what were some of the most truly amazing (but difficult) experiences in my life: pregnancy, childbirth, first twelve months with my babe? It's almost as if admitting your doubts about being able to "do it all" is unacceptable in our culture. Perhaps if we had child care help from family or friends we could really rely on my views would be different. And now that our bean is in toddlerdom a whole new world of learning and doing (aka adventure!) is opening up to us all--I risk again sounding selfish for looking forward to moving ahead instead of going backward to newborn land were we to add a second child in the coming years.

Beautifully put, Coco_Hikes! That's pretty much how I feel. I know I can be a good mama to my one and only. When we go to a playground or the mall and I see mamas chasing around multiple kids, I know I couldn't do that. If other people want to call me & DH selfish for recognizing our own limits, then I have nothing to say in response.

[WillyMom]

I too dont think I could handle more than one. And my husband full out admits he cant.
Ben is turning the big 1 in a few weeks and looking back I am mourning the loss of his infancy, but I don't want to replace it or do it again. I just want to cherish it all with him.
I like our threesome. It feels right and calm and happy in todays world.
SAHM of onlies, how is that? Are SAHMs of more than one open to you or weird? I ask bc someone once said that you dont need to SAH with one, like they deserve less or something:
I currently work PT but want to SAH FT come May and then gradually go back to work as Ben gets older.

[WillyMom]

CoCO hikes, I just looked at Sophies link. What an amazing year you had. I can see how hapy she is and I love the pic or her lying inbetween you and your DH.
Where in NJ are you?
I am in VT but we are from NJ and may be moving back in a year or so, but its top secret IRL!

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by WillyMom

I too dont think I could handle more than one. And my husband full out admits he cant.
Ben is turning the big 1 in a few weeks and looking back I am mourning the loss of his infancy, but I don't want to replace it or do it again. I just want to cherish it all with him.
I like our threesome. It feels right and calm and happy in todays world.
SAHM of onlies, how is that? Are SAHMs of more than one open to you or weird? I ask bc someone once said that you dont need to SAH with one, like they deserve less or something:
I currently work PT but want to SAH FT come May and then gradually go back to work as Ben gets older.

You know, if my DH had wanted another, I could've possibly been persuaded - but he was the one who was absolutely adamant (and the one who took that final step of making sure we were all done with the baby making!, LOL!), and it sort of gave me permission to feel good about really only wanting one, if that makes sense!

As for SAHMing it - for us, it made the decision to SAH even easier. It's a big financial sacrifice for us, but we also can view it as something temporary - a worthwhile investment. I think a lot of people think it's laziness on my part. My MiL keeps talking about jobs for me, and my mum has made it plain she thinks I sit on my tush all day and eat bon-bons (no, Mum, that was what *you* did, because you were so unable to cope with the stress of SAHMing it with three kids).

[EnviroBecca]

She expressed one of my many, complicated reasons for wanting my family to remain a threesome: time, time, time. Is it really so hard for other people to understand why having an only is so appealing in today's zoom-zoom culture? All I hear from parents of more than one is how all they do is run around hither and thither and all of a sudden the kids are grown up.

EnviroDaddy and I already feel like we're too busy and stressed out, with only one child! Last night, for example: After picking up EnviroKid at childcare, I had to tell him the story of Cinderella over and over again : on the way home (two busses) and we didn't get home until 7:30. Other kids on our block were playing outside, and he wanted to play with them, but he had a dirty diaper. It took both parents to drag him in and change him. Then I supervised his playing with the kids while EnviroDaddy made dinner and ate his. It was about 8:45 when we switched places and I finally got to eat. Before I was done, they came inside; by then EnviroKid was too hungry to be reasonable and demanded various foods and began screaming at high pitch and top volume when we said he had enough choices and we were not going to fix him anything else. EnviroDaddy (who had a headache) couldn't take the noise and stomped out--usefully, to the grocery store. EnviroKid eventually calmed down enough to eat but made quite a mess. By the time I got it cleaned up, EnviroDaddy came back, we got EnviroKid to bed (with another tantrum about toothbrushing), and we did the few things absolutely necessary to get ready for today, we were so tired we both went straight to sleep. Total chores accomplished by 2 parents in the entire evening: 1. : And we just got back from a vacation and would really like to unpack!

[katheek77]

Wowza...i rambled...get comfy.

I'm sort of SAHM - I usually work part-time, but Katie comes with me...my new job starts mid-August..it'll be about 20 hours a week. I nanny, so, really, I just stay at someone else's home.

People are already asking me when I'm going back to work full-time (I used to be an elementary school teacher)...

Er...maybe never? My husband is in the military, and, hey, guess what, even when he's stateside, he's still super busy (he's not home yet and it's 8:15pm). Guess who shleps Katie to her doctor's, and to the zoo, and who's going to have to pick her up if she gets sick at school, or goes there for parent-teacher conferences?...It's probably NOT going to be Sgt. Daddy (although he would if he's available).

And I fully admit I'm selfish. Regarding both psuedo-SAHM, and only having one child. Guess what? I'm going to Cleveland for a couple of days this month or next month. And I might be going w/o DH...and I would NOT be able to do that with another baby. I just wouldn't. Even if Katie was three or four...one is just way more portable. And cheap. I'm thinking of going to Europe with Katie next Spring/Summer. Hey, a plane ticket is a plane ticket...it's EXPENSIVE. And I can fairly easily carry around one kid in the trekker, and still keep track of luggage (I'm an optimist!). Two kids? One would end up checked in WITH the luggage. Just not doable for me. Heck, if I had two, I probably WOULDN'T have my job...people are open to you bringing ONE child with you...but two? That's kind of pushing it in a lot of people's minds, I suspect. One child is great...it's a cramp on my style, but it's actually fairly easy to adapt to...with only one child, I can keep a part-time job, so I make some extra money, AND I can spend that money doing things I like, bringing my DD along...two kids...no extra money being made, and, well, where am I going to go alone with a baby and, say, a three year old? I'm sure it can be done; I just don't want to do it. I value my sanity.

Back to "going back to work". And although I go stir-crazy full-time SAHM (seriously...my last job ended June 15, and I'm jonesing for this one to start), I didn't mind it when I didn't have a kid (when I was in my last two months of pregnancy)...I like some of the house-y stuff, but I also liked having time to do *my* stuff...I figure, if Katie goes to school at 5 years old, I'm taking a good year or so to do *ME* stuff. I'll be the mother burning rubber out of the school parking lot that first day of kindergarten . I don't want to get rid of her, but, you know, an entire day to just laze around doing what *I* want until 3:15pm???? I'll probably wet myself with excitement. And then I'll take a shower to clean up BY MYSELF!!!!

I will definitely check into that bon-bon thing...I need to place a mega-order for Sept 2011. Maybe some liquor, too.

We have our monkey, she's darn near perfect (except for the fact that she thinks farting is the most hilarious thing ever) and we are both getting excited about how much more she "participates", at least at a conscious, interactive level. We go someplace now, and she's amused by the novelty, and she'll play with stuff, and go up to other people, but, she really doesn't care too much whether it's a new house, or the museum, or Disney World. It's fun, it's cool, it's all the same (which is why we stick to trips to the supermarket or Da-da's work...it's cheap, and it works). But, say, next summer if we do a family vacation, she'll "get" it, even if she doesn't remember it...and the year after THAT, she might even remember little bits of it, and so on...

The idea of starting over with a brand new baby, when I've finally got a "little human" that I've managed to keep alive, and who actually seems happy and fairly well-adjusted, and pretty smart and capable...(well...she's surpassed the dog, at least, in most respects regarding interaction and ability)...to start back at square one again? And to "miss" in a sense, say, year three of Katie's life because I'm trying to keep a new baby content and fed and sleeping and all that? No way...too overwhelming, and, in a way, it would be anti-climactic...sort of BTDT thing (I know myself, I know my husband...it just wouldn't be magical for us a second time around) To readjust ourselves completely back to the beginning...uh-uh.

If people want to have eight kids, they can knock themselves out doing it. But, for me, if i want that many kids, I'll sponsor a baseball team and call it good.

[widemouthedfrog]

Oh, you good people, you're convincing me!
I think that I do want to check out Maybe One.

Yeah, and I'm selfish too. I like to do all sorts of volunteer work, some of it with dd, some of it on my own time. My brain needs an off switch. I work p/t to keep myself out of trouble. :

I'm still looking for an alternative way to satisfy those unreasonable baby cravings, though. Whenever I see a babe in an Ergo, I melt. Maybe I just need more Ergos.

[witchygrrl]

While I'm pre-TTC, I've only ever wanted one child. DH only wants one child. I'm a sorta only child (half-sis is 22 years older than me and not in my life, and my two step-siblings are toxic and not in my life), and DH is an only child.

People tell us how we'll want more than one, and we always say no, we won't. We want our child to know what it is to value alone time as well as group time. We want to not add to the overpopulation problem any more than possible, but we do want to raise a person who is eco-conscious. We want to be able to have all of our resources (what little we have right now) to be able to go toward this one person. We want to go through the sleepless nights once, not multiple times, and be able to move forward with this one person as s/he develops into an adult.

Maybe we're crazy...but yeah, that's the gist of it.