Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 11

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by katheek77

The idea of starting over with a brand new baby, when I've finally got a "little human" that I've managed to keep alive, and who actually seems happy and fairly well-adjusted, and pretty smart and capable...(well...she's surpassed the dog, at least, in most respects regarding interaction and ability)...to start back at square one again?

Great post. ITA!! Our children are close in age...it is sooooo nice to have a "little human" now. We used to call her "little lump.": And, I also work 20 hours/week and love the time away from home....but enjoy my days home too. I guess it's a perfect fit for me.

I guess I'm just lazy. I just don't want to go through all of it again. Here's what I did one day....

Pregnancy Pros:
-It was cool to be pregnant. People give you more attention.
-I did like buying maternity clothes.
-It was exciting to dream about what she would be like
-Ummmmm....I'm already out of pros

Pregnancy Cons:
-I've never been so tired in my life
-Yet not able to sleep
-Spending 3 months feeling like I'm about to hoark
-Spending the next 3 months eating every cupcake I could find
-All the freakin' Dr. visits, tests, etc...yuck (worries me too much)
-I seriously cannot imagine being pregnant AND chasing around a 2-3 yr old.

Originally Posted by widemouthedfrog

I'm still looking for an alternative way to satisfy those unreasonable baby cravings, though. Whenever I see a babe in an Ergo, I melt. Maybe I just need more Ergos.

Ok, you got me there.

Originally Posted by witchygrrl

People tell us how we'll want more than one, and we always say no, we won't. We want our child to know what it is to value alone time as well as group time. We want to not add to the overpopulation problem any more than possible, but we do want to raise a person who is eco-conscious. We want to be able to have all of our resources (what little we have right now) to be able to go toward this one person. We want to go through the sleepless nights once, not multiple times, and be able to move forward with this one person as s/he develops into an adult.

Maybe we're crazy...but yeah, that's the gist of it.

I think your reasons for wanting one are very cool. It's nice to know what you want in life....

I still am baffled how other people (often strangers) can tell you what YOU will want.

[AntMom]

Originally Posted by WillyMom

Hi Antmom,
I love to hear about Onlies having onlies, although I saw in your post it seems that the decison was made for you but you seem ok with it since you had a good experience yourself. Is that right? Not trying to get too personal
It was cool meeting her. Its funny we both seemed relieved when we said we were thinking one!

Yes, the decision was sort of made for me--it's sort of a question of how much I'm willing to go through for another child. My dh would like another, so I think we might give it one more try, but I am totally content with my one and only. It just doesn't seem right to me to have more than one. If I had another, I'm sure I would adjust, but it's a relief right now to have just the one and I certainly have no desire to run out and do everything possible to have another. Does that make sense?

I know the relief you're talking about, lol. When I first saw my friend at an art class with her son, I said to myself, how weird--she and her son seem like me and my son, the way they are so close. Then I found out he was an only and it was so cool. It's definitely different when there's just one kid, and you can see it in both child and parent. I see it as a good thing--others might not!

[Miajean]

Ohh yeah.

Today I'd give all kinds of currency to be pregnant again. Today I'd love to have more then one child. Today I want a household bustleing at the seams, totally full!
Today is part of the second week my husband is gone, off to war again (this time for over a year.), doing his duty that brought him out of poverty and into paying his own way. Today my husband is alone, apart from his tiny family that is hardly begun (we're married three years in the winter) our first anniversary present was our daughter and nothing tops that for eternity. Today my husband is far away, working hard, living hard, and his chioces are limited but very powerful for him. Today, my daughter has just me, not many friends yet, pretty worn out of boring mommy and she misses her "dada" pretty bad. so today is kinda a weaker one. Though we are looking forward to perhaps one more, we are an only family for several more years. I love my current only and prefer it this year.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by Miajean

Today I'd give all kinds of currency to be pregnant again. Today I'd love to have more then one child. Today I want a household bustleing at the seams, totally full!
Today is part of the second week my husband is gone, off to war again (this time for over a year.), doing his duty that brought him out of poverty and into paying his own way. Today my husband is alone, apart from his tiny family that is hardly begun (we're married three years in the winter) our first anniversary present was our daughter and nothing tops that for eternity. Today my husband is far away, working hard, living hard, and his chioces are limited but very powerful for him. Today, my daughter has just me, not many friends yet, pretty worn out of boring mommy and she misses her "dada" pretty bad. so today is kinda a weaker one. Though we are looking forward to perhaps one more, we are an only family for several more years. I love my current only and prefer it this year.

I want to thank you so much for the job you and your husband are doing for our country. I'm sure you both miss him so, so much. I hope you know how many people are thankful and proud for the job your husband does while he's away and the job you do all by yourself. Bless the both of you.

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by katheek77

I figure, if Katie goes to school at 5 years old, I'm taking a good year or so to do *ME* stuff. I'll be the mother burning rubber out of the school parking lot that first day of kindergarten . ... I will definitely check into that bon-bon thing...I need to place a mega-order for Sept 2011. Maybe some liquor, too.

word up!

[boatbaby]

Originally Posted by widemouthedfrog

I'm still looking for an alternative way to satisfy those unreasonable baby cravings, though. Whenever I see a babe in an Ergo, I melt. Maybe I just need more Ergos.

My DH jokes that I don't want more babies, I just want more baby carriers. So true - what is it about those things!?

I admit I was pondering changing the family dynamics this winter -- but whatever hormone kicked on several months back kicked right off again. I went to visit a friend who just had her second a week ago -- I was ready to get all hormonal and baby-wanting... but I TOTALLY didn't. I was happy for my friend and all, but I was thinking - MAN I do not want this. No way!

Even though I had an easy pregnancy and even thought DS was really an easy baby... I just don't think I want to do it all over again nor do I think I can mother two. For me it's having a 1-2 year old again that makes me want to close the gate. I am so happy with DS, I don't feel the need to make any changes to our family dynamic.

Glad this tribe is here -- our culture is SO unsupportive for some reason - saying you want one is so frowned upon...???
People assume you have a medical reason or something, heaven forbid it's just your choice. And the end all is - IT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

rantalldonethanks

[msjd123]

I've just been reading lately, not posting much, but I wanted to thank all of you for being so honest. Lately, coming here is the only time I feel validated. I guess I've been kind of hard on myself lately, but it's so often that I think, "Man, what the heck is wrong with me that I feel THIS frustrated/angry/tired/exhausted/etc. and I only have one?!?!" As much as I feel in my heart that having only one will be best for me, for us, and for our sanity, it's hard to let go of feeling that having an only is still "only" one, if that makes sense. Just that word "only" makes it sound like it's not much, and that makes me feel like I must just be a big wimp or something. I don't know, just rambling I guess, but I've been struggling with my emotional limits lately, and I hate realizing that I do have limits, that maybe I just don't have it in me to do all the things other people seem to find so effortless. :

[rambunctiouscurls]

Originally Posted by msjd123

I've just been reading lately, not posting much, but I wanted to thank all of you for being so honest. Lately, coming here is the only time I feel validated. I guess I've been kind of hard on myself lately, but it's so often that I think, "Man, what the heck is wrong with me that I feel THIS frustrated/angry/tired/exhausted/etc. and I only have one?!?!" As much as I feel in my heart that having only one will be best for me, for us, and for our sanity, it's hard to let go of feeling that having an only is still "only" one, if that makes sense. Just that word "only" makes it sound like it's not much, and that makes me feel like I must just be a big wimp or something. I don't know, just rambling I guess, but I've been struggling with my emotional limits lately, and I hate realizing that I do have limits, that maybe I just don't have it in me to do all the things other people seem to find so effortless. :

oh mama
You ARE being too hard on yourself. I think it is smart to realize you have emotional limits. For me to be a good mom at all, I have to stop here with one even if it's 'only' one. I watch our neighbours do soo much with their 4 year old only daughter and I realize that would be us in just a few years and I get so excited about the thought. I can't say the same about going through another pregnancy and baby stage again though. Which, of course, to most people, sounds like I'm a big wimp who doesn't want to make the sacrifices.. but I don't care. All I care about is for our Present family to enjoy one another and life as much as possible!
...argh. Listen to me ramble so much. I guess what I just want to say is just remind yourself why you want an only and do not judge yourself for those reasons. It's probably the smartest and best decision for your family!

[caspian's mama]

i've had good success reframing the word "only". it feels a lot better now, like when i was snuggling next to cas last night, holding hands (per his usual request), and i leaned over and told him he was "my only" before he drifted into sleep. saying that has a damned nice ring to it.

[female18-]

Do you ever feel like you owe your child a sibling? That feeling is always in the back of my mind, as one of the pros of having a second. Anyone else?

[Sonnenwende]

Well, my husband had the snip on Monday. The procedure was easy, but the recovery was strangely complicated. We don't know exactly why and neither does the doctor, but he was fairly nausueous, had a lot of vomiting and diahrrea for a few days. As soon as his testicle swelling started to decrease, so did that. No one knows. I can't find this complication anywhere, so I assume it is extremely rare or was unrelated (intestinal flu). Regardless, he is doing better now.

I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.

I think my experiences with siblings, having two, makes me think that I don't owe my child any siblings. It wasn't until we were adults that my siblings and I all got along. I only get along with my sister from a distance. After a few days together, we remember exactly why we don't care for each other. My brother and I have a decent relationship, but not a convincing argument to give my child a sibling. My brother and sister have almost no relationship. All a game of roulette. You can breed em, but you can't make em like each other.

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by female18-

Do you ever feel like you owe your child a sibling? That feeling is always in the back of my mind, as one of the pros of having a second. Anyone else?

Absolutely not. I get along well with my sibs (tho it probably helps that we're each six years apart), but the majority of people I know have at least one sibling they loathe. So it's a crapshoot on that front. And, honestly, to have a sib would mean less attention for DD. And I don't want to pay any less attention to DD.

But what it really comes down to is this - our family feels perfect at this size. We're content.

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by female18-

Do you ever feel like you owe your child a sibling? That feeling is always in the back of my mind, as one of the pros of having a second. Anyone else?

Nope...I owe my child the best upbringing I can give her. For us, that means having one.

I'm not sure how that is a "pro" of having a second.

Glancing at your other posts, you say you're desperately wanting a second baby. Are you posting in this tribe to be convinced otherwise?

[DaughterOfKali]

I only have one child. At my age, I don't think that is going to change.

I can't imagine having another child, at this point. My 4 yr old takes all my energy/time as it is.

[Sonnenwende]

Welcome!

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by Sonnenwende

Well, my husband had the snip on Monday. The procedure was easy, but the recovery was strangely complicated. We don't know exactly why and neither does the doctor, but he was fairly nausueous, had a lot of vomiting and diahrrea for a few days. As soon as his testicle swelling started to decrease, so did that. No one knows. I can't find this complication anywhere, so I assume it is extremely rare or was unrelated (intestinal flu). Regardless, he is doing better now.

I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.

I think my experiences with siblings, having two, makes me think that I don't owe my child any siblings. It wasn't until we were adults that my siblings and I all got along. I only get along with my sister from a distance. After a few days together, we remember exactly why we don't care for each other. My brother and I have a decent relationship, but not a convincing argument to give my child a sibling. My brother and sister have almost no relationship. All a game of roulette. You can breed em, but you can't make em like each other.

I'm glad your husband is feeling better...I hope that was an isolated incident! So, now you still have to be careful for a few months, right? Then he goes back in for sperm count testing to be sure? We're thinking of getting the snip sooner, rather than later. The condom thing is getting old.

I love what you said about going back, to do it again. That expresses how I feel to a tee. I would like to make improvements, but I just don't want to do it all over again.

[caspian's mama]

Originally Posted by Sonnenwende

All a game of roulette. You can breed em, but you can't make em like each other.

sorry your dh had complications. glad to hear he's better now, though. hope you're both content with your decision. we have never looked back since ours!

[APCDmama]

I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.

Sonnenwende, I can totally relate to feeling this way. I often wonder what would have happened if I'd had a positive birth/baby experience. Would I want a second child now or would I feel the same way (happy with an only)? Initially, there was a part of me which wanted to birth again, to "prove" that my body could do it naturally, and to restore faith in myself. I thought a VBAC would be a powerful healing experience. Then I began to realize that there are no guarantees...I could easily have another negative experience, a thought which terrified me, or I could have a positive experience. The positive experience wouldn't necessarily be better, since I would probably feel guilty about my first child's birth! I get what you're saying.

Two days ago, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen for a while. I knew she'd had a child 2.5 years ago, but noticed she was carrying a baby in a front pack as well. Turns out, she's had another baby. She looked completely tired/burnt out/depressed, and expressed how difficult it was to have two children compared to one. She said her first pregnancy/birth was an enjoyable experience, but adding another has increased the stress in her life tenfold. I felt badly for her, but WOW that really reaffirmed my decision to have an only! Call me selfish, but I don't want to walk down that road again. My 3-year-old just started sleeping through the night, and I feel like I have a new lease on life!

[female18-]

Thanks for your replies.
Devster I havent said anywhere that I want a second baby! Huh?! I made a post about wanting to go through another pregnancy but I definately dont want a second child, not anytime soon at least. I cant anyway, im just venting out my thoughts here and making comments that other people IRL say to me about having an only child.
To me it would be a pro for a child to have a sibling for reasons Ive mentioned before. But I dont plan on having anymore, I just dont feel totally happy about it. Im a natural worrier...this is just my nature, sorry!

[devster4fun]

Originally Posted by female18-

Thanks for your replies.
Devster I havent said anywhere that I want a second baby! Huh?! I made a post about wanting to go through another pregnancy but I definately dont want a second child, not anytime soon at least. I cant anyway, im just venting out my thoughts here and making comments that other people IRL say to me about having an only child.
To me it would be a pro for a child to have a sibling for reasons Ive mentioned before. But I dont plan on having anymore, I just dont feel totally happy about it. Im a natural worrier...this is just my nature, sorry!

My bad...you did say "pregnancy" not another baby! Sorry. I guess I kind of link those two things together.

And, I'm a worrier too.

Vent away.