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post #221 of 1645
My little Adrienne will be my only baby for awhile. I have MS and I take meds that I cannot take during pg or BF. Since having her last week my health has gone downhill. I will continue to stay med free and use safe alternatives for those meds until she weans herself. After that we'll have to re-evalute the safety of having another child and what it will do to my health.
post #222 of 1645
Re: Siblings

I don't have a great relationship with my sister. Never did. We'd play together as kids, but we grew up in a sort of isolated area...no kids w/in walking distance. As we got older, we grew apart, and she...um...this has been detailed before. We get along a little better now that I am the mother of her niece, but, it was twenty years in the making.

My husband has a horrible relationship with his younger sister. His older brother died at 19, but, from what I hear, there wasn't a very close relationship anyway...

I don't think Katie "needs" a sibling to be "complete" and happy. I think I would have probably been happier without one, myself...*I* was the one who got blamed when my sister did something because I "should have known better and stopped her"...like the time she drove to a rave in connecticutt the day she got her license and came home high on X. Because, you know, I was studying for midterms, but, whatever.

RE: A "perfect" birth

I do sometimes wish for that...I enjoyed pregnancy. There were "problems" (which, in retrospect, I dont' think were problems...just unusual...I dilated early and bled a lot, but, baby was a week late and fine). I wish I'd had a natural birth...I wanted a homebirth...but there is a long history of complication in my husband's family (3 siblings dead at or right after birth), it was a first birth, etc. so, for him, we did the hospital thing, and some stuff was really messed up (I was 9 cm dilating and arguing with the OB about whether my husband could stay in the room while they put an IV in for the epi). I want to go back and do everything "perfectly"...but, then to have to go through a "first year" again...uh-uh.

I did the best I could, with what I knew. And I need to accept that. But the idea of the "perfect" birth still lingers. But, I have the perfect family, for us, so, why screw that up to placate my illusory dreams of a perfect birth (which are, of course, not guaranteed even if I *did* try for it)
post #223 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by devster4fun View Post
I'm glad your husband is feeling better...I hope that was an isolated incident! So, now you still have to be careful for a few months, right? Then he goes back in for sperm count testing to be sure? We're thinking of getting the snip sooner, rather than later. The condom thing is getting old.

I love what you said about going back, to do it again. That expresses how I feel to a tee. I would like to make improvements, but I just don't want to do it all over again.
Thanks you guys. I think it was just a fluke thing that he fell ill after the snip. Like I said before, he is doing a lot better now. We are both happy with the decision and are looking forward to our future and the plans we as a family have for it.

Condoms do get old and my husband and I both know that condoms would be a ticking time bomb for birth control. See our daughter for proof!
post #224 of 1645
Does anyone have a subscription to this magazine all about Only Children, http://www.onlychild.com

I'm wondering what it's like and if it's worth it to subscripe.

Thanks!
post #225 of 1645
Quote:
Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.
If I ever do have another baby, there are some things I'll do differently...but I've found that if I try to imagine a perfect birth, very quickly I start thinking, "But how could I ever make it up to EnviroKid? If I bonded with his sibling immediately after birth and never let them take her away and felt a special warmth for her because of it, that would be so unfair to him!" And I wanted a girl so much but have formed a special relationship with my little boy; if we had a second child and it was a girl, I'm afraid I would be so overjoyed that I'd lose some of my bond with my son.

The biggest thing supporting my only-child urges at this point is noticing my feelings when I see a toddler with a pregnant mother: I ache for that child who is about to lose his/her specialness and be pushed aside by a needy new baby, and I feel furious at the parents for letting that happen. I am the older sibling (brother born when I was 29 months) and I remember what that was like! : I don't know if a second child would make me hurt my EnviroKid like that, or if I would compensate by favoring EnviroKid over the baby, but either way it wouldn't be pretty!

Hey, I keep reading about vasectomies here, but has anybody decided female sterilization was the way to go? I am thinking about it because we have an open relationship, and all along I've been the one who finds more other lovers. Doesn't do any good for EnviroDaddy to be sterilized if I'm having sex with someone else!

Funny how I can be polyamorous but worry about being able to find enough love and resources for two kids.... Different kinds of love!
post #226 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by EnviroBecca View Post
Hey, I keep reading about vasectomies here, but has anybody decided female sterilization was the way to go? I am thinking about it because we have an open relationship, and all along I've been the one who finds more other lovers. Doesn't do any good for EnviroDaddy to be sterilized if I'm having sex with someone else!

Funny how I can be polyamorous but worry about being able to find enough love and resources for two kids.... Different kinds of love!
I just saw an add on TV for some form of female sterilization. It is permanent and takes a few months to work. Apparently, they go through the vaginal canal, so there is no incision.

www.essure.com

It looks kind-of creepy to me. I wonder what the side-effects would be of blocking the fallopian tubes? Oh well, I would definitely have to do a lot of research on this one. But, I thought of it when you posted.

post #227 of 1645
I thought I'd come here since my wife and I struggle a bit with this.

Our son is awesome, we love him more than anything and it's been the greatest experience of my life having him, but we're seriously considering having him be an only child.

I have a brother who is 4 years younger than me. We were always best friends and never really fought much. My wife has an older sister (5 years older) and a younger brother (11 years younger).

I can't speak for my wife (she's unsure right now also), but I feel a little like I'm obligated to have another child. I feel like we'd be doing it for our current son, so he could grow up with a sibling. After all, having a sibling can be one of life's great experiences.

It's okay to only have one child isn't it? I know it sounds absurd and that it's okay...I just need reassurance.

My wife and I both agree that now isn't the time. Our son is 17 months, and we'd want to wait until he is at least 24 - 36 months or so before we would try again.

But, we also agree that if it gets to the point where they would be about 5 years or so apart, we wouldn't do it.

Also, I we have a friend who was an only child who says he wishes he had a sibling. Both of his parents have passed away, though.

Oh well. Our thoughts will probably get clearer the closer we get to the 24 - 36 month old age window of our current son.
post #228 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by ericisbacchus View Post
After all, having a sibling can be one of life's great experiences.
Hey there! It's cool to get a Dad's perspective on this issue. Especially, since you already have a son.

I often ask my DH if he would ever want another, so he could have a son. (Our DD is 14 months old) He always responds...nope. And, obviously nothing would guarantee a boy anyway.

To the above statement....I guess. If that's been your life. My life as an only child certainly can't include having a sibling as one of life's great moments. And, I don't miss it, since I never had it.

I feel the same about partners who decide never to have children. It doesn't make their relationship/marriage any less valuable or meaningful. It's just something they're not going to experience. I have a close friend, married for 10+ years, who will not be having children. And, my BIL and his wife are choosing no kids.

I think that's cool. Knowing what you want from life...and not apoligizing for it.
post #229 of 1645
I wish my DH would agree to the big "V", but I don't want to pressure him. I don't think he's 100% sure about having an only yet, so I understand his hesitation. At the same time, I would love to have one less thing to worry about. Someone mentioned the "oops factor" of condoms...I agree with you! Actually, I am so paranoid about pregnancy that my worries are affecting our sex life. Not a good thing. However, I'm not sure about female sterilization either...
post #230 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by APCDmama View Post
I wish my DH would agree to the big "V", but I don't want to pressure him. I don't think he's 100% sure about having an only yet, so I understand his hesitation. At the same time, I would love to have one less thing to worry about. Someone mentioned the "oops factor" of condoms...I agree with you! Actually, I am so paranoid about pregnancy that my worries are affecting our sex life. Not a good thing. However, I'm not sure about female sterilization either...
What we did on the big V front was to make the decision - and then sit on it for a year. So DH told his doctor he was going to get it in a year, and then he just kinda sat on it, getting used to the idea, and making sure he was absolutely positive. Then he made the appointment.

I'm with you on the paranoid about getting pregnant thing - I have to tell you, that was such a relief, to not have to worry about it anymore. Carefree sex, woo hoo!
post #231 of 1645
Hi everyone. Glad to have found this thread, especially since it seems like so many of the mamas on MDC have 3+ kiddos. DH and I originally wanted 2 kids, then decided maybe no kids, and then finally decided to have one. We adore DS, and have pretty much decided that our family is complete as it is. We do get a lot of pressure from others (I hate the "2 is easier than 1" argument!), and you know, if we could GUARANTEE that DS and his sibling would have a close relationship, that might make it more appealing...but, there are no guarantees, and since I am 36 now and we wouldn't even consider trying for at least another 2 years, well, you know...I'm rambling. Anyway, glad to be meeting all of you parents of "only" kids, and looking forward to hearing more about raising single children as they get older!
post #232 of 1645
Hi,

Just joining this thread. I have an only DD, now 5yo. I myself grew up as an only. My older sis is developmentally disabled and lived outside the home. My husband is the youngest of 8. So we have really different life experiences where family is concerned.

I wasn't sure about wanting kids at all, but then the biological clock started ticking and at 37 I chose to get pregnant. After the birth and for the first year DH and I talked a lot about having another baby, but we also went through a lot of stress and unpleasantness in the marriage. There's no doubt in my mind that the stressors of having a child was really tough on dh and me. Now that DD is older dh and I are getting back to enjoying our relationship, even though we still have a lot of emotional work.

I identify with the pp who has a desire to get in right the next time. I wasn't able to BF due to a lack of milk and it is something I regret, though I had little control over the issue. I just feel so much more educated now and think it would be cool to apply the knowledge. Very unlikely. At age 42 now I'm less inclined to want to put my body through the physical demands of pregnancy and toddler-hood. Whoa!

My DD is one of those children who has a hard time entertaining herself and really demands a lot of attention. This is truly a challenge for us. And, I do have concerns about how as an only she'll have a burden of dealing with our issues when we are older as I am now dealing with my parents' health issues, money issues, etc. Hopefully, we'll have enough saved for retirement that we won't be a financial drain on her at that time.

Ok, i've rambled long enough. Nice to meet you all I hope to continue this conversation about our onlies.

~ Denise
post #233 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinecone View Post
Hi,

Just joining this thread. I have an only DD, now 5yo. I myself grew up as an only. My older sis is developmentally disabled and lived outside the home. My husband is the youngest of 8. So we have really different life experiences where family is concerned.

I wasn't sure about wanting kids at all, but then the biological clock started ticking and at 37 I chose to get pregnant. After the birth and for the first year DH and I talked a lot about having another baby, but we also went through a lot of stress and unpleasantness in the marriage. There's no doubt in my mind that the stressors of having a child was really tough on dh and me. Now that DD is older dh and I are getting back to enjoying our relationship, even though we still have a lot of emotional work.

I identify with the pp who has a desire to get in right the next time. I wasn't able to BF due to a lack of milk and it is something I regret, though I had little control over the issue. I just feel so much more educated now and think it would be cool to apply the knowledge. Very unlikely. At age 42 now I'm less inclined to want to put my body through the physical demands of pregnancy and toddler-hood. Whoa!

My DD is one of those children who has a hard time entertaining herself and really demands a lot of attention. This is truly a challenge for us. And, I do have concerns about how as an only she'll have a burden of dealing with our issues when we are older as I am now dealing with my parents' health issues, money issues, etc. Hopefully, we'll have enough saved for retirement that we won't be a financial drain on her at that time.

Ok, i've rambled long enough. Nice to meet you all I hope to continue this conversation about our onlies.

~ Denise

Hi Denise! Wow...your DH was the youngest of 8?? I'll bet he has some stories to tell. That's really amazing. What's his perspective on having so many siblings? Is he close to any of them?

I think this thread is really cool. It's helping me think through some issues around having an only child. Each day, it seems I get more and more questions about when we're going to have another.

I feel like a broken record.....
post #234 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinecone View Post
I identify with the pp who has a desire to get in right the next time. I wasn't able to BF due to a lack of milk and it is something I regret, though I had little control over the issue. I just feel so much more educated now and think it would be cool to apply the knowledge. Very unlikely. At age 42 now I'm less inclined to want to put my body through the physical demands of pregnancy and toddler-hood. Whoa!
I know what you both mean... we had significant difficulties with the pregnancy, the birth and the breastfeeding. I wish I had known then what I know now!

I'm 36, but I have some chronic health issues, and I know it would be much harder on my body this time around. This wasn't a decisive factor for us in choosing to have an only, more like a validating point, but I look at new mothers and think, I am so glad I'm not doing that again!
post #235 of 1645
I am really loving DS as a toddler--I sometimes wonder if I'll want another one once he gets older...but, by then, I'll be older too! One thing I know for sure is that I really have no interest in going through another newbornhood, even though by all reports DS was an "easy" baby. I really lost myself and am only just now starting to figure out how to carve out time for myself without feeling guilty for every minute that I COULD be with DS, but choose not to (and those minutes are rare and precious right now!).
post #236 of 1645
Quote:
I wonder what the side-effects would be of blocking the fallopian tubes?
As far as I've ever heard, there's no side effect to blocking them--the unfertilized eggs dissolve just as they would in the uterus but are reabsorbed by the body (and it's only one cell so doesn't make any difference) instead of being shed in the menstrual flow. There is a possible side effect to any method that doesn't involve cutting the tubes (tying, clamping, blocking with objects inside) which is ectopic pregnancy: because sperm are smaller than eggs, if the procedure isn't done quite right the sperm can get past the knot/clamp/blockage and fertilize the egg, which then can't get down to the uterus. My aunt had this happen and wound up with such infection that she had to get a hysterectomy. So if I decide to be sterilized, I will get the tubes cut!
post #237 of 1645
I too am an older (not old!) mom, with her first at age 39. DD is now 3 months to the day and the light is at the end of the tunnel now that she is sleeping mostly through the night. I didn't have a difficult pregnancy or birth or even these few months compared to many other moms, but it took all that I had both in physical and emotional wherewithal to get here! I know I couldn't have done this earlier in my life, but perhaps one of the things about having lived so much life already without a bebe is that you have a very strong set way of lifestyle, which of course has already changed substantially with the advent of our sweet bee, for which DH and I are infinitely grateful to the universe for. It remains however, as with anything, another CHOICE to make, for another. We believe that each little small human is it's own choice, so how could things be like "more of the same"?

Like others here, family and friends all assume that we are having another, even though we don't even know for sure. What we do know is, esp. with this first one, is that, to do a good job on each one will take a substantial amount of work, and a hit in economics, which I haven't seen too much talked about - in order to give both the kids and us the life we want. At our age, both of us 40+, there is still so much we want to do with our lives, both in our careers and exploring the world, that one child is still compact enough of a family unit to do, that a second would change. Our dream would be to find a situation where we would find friends or family with a child(ren) to be close to that we could have a close relationship with, sort of a sibling-ish relationship.

All that being said, both DH and I grew up with siblings, and wonder how it would be without them. On the other hand, neither or my siblings have been that family oriented that makes me feel like it is imperative, although DH's sister is very family-oriented. Although she lives almost 3 hrs away, she came down to help us for a week after our birth and has stayed in touch alot regarding our DD.
post #238 of 1645
Quote:
Originally Posted by chloe.speaks View Post
What we do know is, esp. with this first one, is that, to do a good job on each one will take a substantial amount of work, and a hit in economics, which I haven't seen too much talked about - in order to give both the kids and us the life we want. At our age, both of us 40+, there is still so much we want to do with our lives, both in our careers and exploring the world, that one child is still compact enough of a family unit to do, that a second would change. Our dream would be to find a situation where we would find friends or family with a child(ren) to be close to that we could have a close relationship with, sort of a sibling-ish relationship.
You're so right--many of the folks who assume you will have more than one child quickly forget about the financial realities of having said little ones or perhaps just don't take them as seriously as we do. There are so many factors to consider. Not only is there an immediate loss of income when one parent stays at home, there is also no contribution to retirement funds/investments/etc. for that person (at least not employer-sponsored--I'm still waiting for a "Mama 401-K"!). And health care coverage may change too if one parent gives up outside work. It was unusual, but my husband and I were on separate work-provided health care plans until mine ran out when I didn't return to my job, and the baby and I had to be added on to my husband's early this year. And of course there is the child care issue. Maybe if we had grandparents/other relatives who were in good enough health and lived nearby to help with child care on a regular basis I would have returned to work last year when my leave ended. But we didn't have that kind of family help, and paying for outside-the-home child care would have eaten up half of my paycheck. So that financial factor played a big role in our decision that I would stay home (indefinitely?).

Even if we limit our family a threesome, I'm still worried about our financial future. We live in a two-income culture nowadays, that is clear to me. While the area where we currently live (for work reasons) is particularly expensive (Bergen County, NJ, about 15 miles from New York City) we don't exactly fit into the giant house and giant SUV-driving mentality (not judging--just describing ) that is pervasive here. We'd like to buy a house before we are in our fifties, but at this rate, who knows when it will really happen. Anyway, my point is that the world we live in and are raising our little ones in is much different financially than the one in which our older relatives, even our parents, grew up in and raised their kids in. Limiting family size to try to live within a certain level of financial means is just a fact of life for some of us!
post #239 of 1645
chloe.speaks, your post sums up many of our thoughts perfectly. We have changed many aspects of our lifestyle (gladly) with the birth of DS--but we also hope to get back some of those aspects as DS grows up a bit.

Most of the moms of 2+ that I see are absolutely stretched to the maximum in at least one area (financially, time-wise, emotionally, maritally) and I just don't want to create that kind of situation for me and for DH and DS. As it is, it's stretch enough with just DS!

Anyway, it's good to find this tribe, and to hear our feelings mirrored in others' posts...
post #240 of 1645
Ugh. Just had to share with my only mamas, we had our first bout of sickness this week.

DD had Roseola. No big deal, but DD has never been sick at all. She ran a 103.6 fever and was really, really, REALLY grumpy. We had to hold her all day and at 15 months and 24 lbs, that's a task. The fever broke and the rash cropped up, but she's feeling so much better.

Add to all that, she's cutting all 4 eye teeth at once.

Then I called the ped to get some advice from the nurse. Mistake. I got the "...well I see you've delayed some vaxes, we should probably see DD."

Me: "Um. Ok. So you think she has measles?"

Nurse: "Oh no, she would be very sick if she had measles."

Me: "OK, then I think it's simple Roseola and her fever is gone now."

Just felt the need to rant somewhere. I can't imagine how women care for multiple children when one or more is sick. Props to them.
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