Any Moms of An Only Child Tribe - Page 13

[Juliacat]

I think I am probably just PMSing today, but I am feeling really upset because in a lot of ways I do think dd would benefit from having a close in age sibling, and I want her to have what I did not. But another child would destroy us financially and it would drive me absolutely batsh!t crazy and I would probably end up in a mental institution...all of which would be detrimental to the optimal health of dd.

[rambunctiouscurls]

devster4fun to you and your dd. Hope she feels better soon. We just got over a bug over here too. It was a ROUGH week. I hear ya on the moms with multiples too. I literally sat on a chair and nursed her 24/7 and she still lost weight. she is doing a lot better now though. I pretty much have my hands full with just dd.

[Raio de Sol]

I have been struggling with the idea of having another baby lately, I think it's hormones? Many friends are having seconds this year, and as soon as I see those little bundles I'm all "oooooohhh I want another one!!!"; I feel it in my heart sometimes, and it hurts, because I wish I had more help so I could have another one (family lives far away, we're both working parents juggling shifts without daycare for budget reasons). But I like it just the 3 of us (dd is 2 and easy-breezy as can be). But then I see those babies and it all comes back..... I'm thinking of doing some therapy to overcome these impulses in order not to make a dumb decision, because I can tell we wouldn't be able to make it with more kids without losing our sanity/fantastic relationship : : :

[msjd123]

Originally Posted by devster4fun

Ugh. Just had to share with my only mamas, we had our first bout of sickness this week.

DD had Roseola. No big deal, but DD has never been sick at all. She ran a 103.6 fever and was really, really, REALLY grumpy. We had to hold her all day and at 15 months and 24 lbs, that's a task. The fever broke and the rash cropped up, but she's feeling so much better.

Add to all that, she's cutting all 4 eye teeth at once.

Then I called the ped to get some advice from the nurse. Mistake. I got the "...well I see you've delayed some vaxes, we should probably see DD."

Me: "Um. Ok. So you think she has measles?"

Nurse: "Oh no, she would be very sick if she had measles."

Me: "OK, then I think it's simple Roseola and her fever is gone now."

Just felt the need to rant somewhere. I can't imagine how women care for multiple children when one or more is sick. Props to them.

Oh man, I remember roseola, and my DD was teething at the same time, too. It was really awful. Afterwards, I read somewhere that roseola makes them ache all over and their skin is very sensitive to the touch; that's why they're so miserable. I'm glad the worst has passed. We took pictures of our spotty baby when she had the rash just so we could say, "Look, we all survived!"

[msjd123]

Originally Posted by Juliacat

I think I am probably just PMSing today, but I am feeling really upset because in a lot of ways I do think dd would benefit from having a close in age sibling, and I want her to have what I did not. But another child would destroy us financially and it would drive me absolutely batsh!t crazy and I would probably end up in a mental institution...all of which would be detrimental to the optimal health of dd.

Those are my feelings EXACTLY. I've had issues with depression and axiety -- DH too; it's fun at our house! -- but I can usually get things under control by myself. I have no doubt that I would have to be medicated if I had another; it would just push me over the edge. What you said about giving your DD a sibling rings true for me, too, which is why I'm not ready to say we're done, even though I'd about 90% sure we are. I wish, I wish, I wish DD had been a mellower, more easygoing kid, but she's not, and I love her, but man, if I could be guranteed an "easy" baby for #2, I just might do it. I highly doubt that, though, and I'm usually right in my gut feelings, so, I think this is it.

[NYCVeg]

Mostly subbing--haven't read the whole thread yet.

Dd is 14 months and we plan on her being an only. We get a lot of "Oh, but she NEEDS a sibling" and "You'll change your mind when she's older." Um, no, I don't think we will. We also get some hints of the "you're not a real parent until you have 2" stuff. My BIL told me what a "great job" we were doing with one, but said it would all be different when we had two (assuming, I guess, that we wouldn't bf or cloth diaper if we had a second and would just plop the second one in front of the TV).

I don't get the "one is SO much easier" line. In some ways it is, in some ways it isn't, and SO much depends on your child. Dd is a pretty easygoing and independent little rutabaga, but with PPD, severe bfing issues (thrush, OAL, oversupply, cracked nipples, and Raynaud's, which is permanent), and now about a dozen serious food allergies (wheat, soy, peanuts, tree nuts, and eggs, among others), I certainly wouldn't call it "easy."

I have great respect for those who have many children (heck, my mom had 5 and wanted more!). But I don't have more to give than I'm giving right now, and, frankly, I'm okay with that.

We love not having to worry about financing dd's education (or worrying less!), about outgrowing our house, etc. We plan on giving her lots of time with her cousins and letting her take a friend on vacations when she's older (both me and my bf from childhood were the youngest in our families by 6/8 years, respectively, so we often went on vacations with each other and no siblings--it was a blast!).

I have a few friends who are onlies, and they all spoke very positively about their experiences--closeness with their parents, inclusion in family decisions, resources available to them that might not have been otherwise. I just don't think there's any one particularly family dynamic that leads to happy, well-adjusted children.

Originally Posted by devster4fun

She is wonderful and our lives are truly richer and fuller with her here. We feel so complete and happy. I like being able to focus on one thing. Part of the decision is financial. We want to be able to afford many opportunities for her & want to be home until she is in school. Part of the decision is, we know our marriage very well. We are aware how important it is to preserve and nurture...us!

I agree with this completely, particularly the last bit. We love dd so much, but we find parenting so unbelievably draining. It's hard to have anything "left" for each other--we are very much looking forward to her being a bit older, having some more flexibility and free time (and sleep).

Originally Posted by devster4fun

Sometimes I worry because I HAVE to get it right the first time!

This, too! We are still bfing, and most of the issues (except the Raynaud's) have been worked out, but I really grieve that I will never get bfing a newborn "right." Bfing was SO traumatic for both of us for many months. OTOH, given all the problems, I can't imagine doing it again.

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by msjd123

See, that is EXACTLY how I feel, but I've given up on thinking that DH and I must just be big wimps or something. We're not. We're strong people doing the best we can. We have our own lives, we have our life together, we have our jobs, our hobbies, our families, our house, our beautiful daughter -- all we want now is a sense of calm satisfaction. Life is every day, you know? I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now. I like the sense of immediacy that comes from knowing that I won't be doing all of these things all over again in another year or two. .

Thank you so much for posting this. This is it, precisely.

[EnviroBecca]

I'm not willing to make sacrifices for years and years and years just so that, one fine day, we'll finally enjoy our everyday lives. I want to enjoy life now.

Thanks for saying this so I know I'm not the only one thinking it!

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by Sonnenwende

I was looking at some newborn photos of my daughter. My birth and immediate post-partum experience was not great. But I have no desire to do it right with another child, rather I would want to go back in time and change my daughter's birth. That is impossible of course, but what I wish. Another kid is another kid, it is not my daughter nor our shared experience. Having another birth won't magically make the other birth better. In fact, I think it would just make it worse because then I would really know what we all missed out on wish my daughter's birth.

Just looking back on some older posts I'd missed. The bold parts of this message really hit home for me. When thinking about this, I sometimes find myself going down a road of "Well if there was a next time, we would do so many things differently (have a real babymoon, with no visitors for hours on end for consecutive days!; stress less about getting "everything" done; embrace cosleeping from the start, etc.)." But I wonder if that isn't just a power issue going on between myself and . . . myself. : Anyway, just because I would know so much more if there was a second time doesn't necessarily mean it would be the right thing to do for our family.

[msjd123]

Ugh, I have to get this off my chest because it's just BUGGING me! It's one of those things where, at first, I just shrugged and thought, "Eh, whatever," but the more I think about it, the more it's getting to me.

Our babysitter takes care of my DD and another little girl Alexa, age 16 months. Alexa has a 4-year old brother, and both kids are very sweet. I like the parents and the kids, so it's just a great set-up. My DD is quite timid around strangers, though, and it takes her a long time to warm up to people, so even though she sees Alexa's mom or dad everyday, she always gets very quiet when they come to pick up Alexa because she doesn't really "know" them. They don't interact with her and are only ever there for a few minutes, so I guess to her, they're still strangers. Normal, right? Well, today when I was picking up my DD, I saw that Alexa's mom was already there. My DD was quiet, just watching, but as soon as she saw me, she jumped up and said, "Mommeeeeee!!!!" (Love that!) The she started showing me the picture she made, taking me to see the bunny (the babysitter has a bunny!), telling me what she did, etc. -- just talking up a storm. Alexa's mom noticed and said, "She's always so quiet until you come, and then she just lights up, huh?" I said "Yes," with a smile and was about to say how that totally makes my day, when she said, "I guess it's because she's an only. Not used to talking around other people."

HUH?!?

Then our babysitter started talking about what the kids had done today, so the topic was changed and I didn't end up saying anything, but I didn't know quite what to make of it. She's such a nice person, so I'm sure she didn't mean any harm by it, but I can't believe people would really think that way! It's just my DD's personality. Literally BAJILLIONS (and you know that's a lot ) of kids and adults are like that. I'm like that. DH is like that. Really, it's totally normal to me. And honestly, my DD, like any 2.5-year old is a motormouth at home, so believe me, she gets plenty of talking in. She talks to anyone who takes the time to build some trust with her, and I'm not blaming Alexa's mom or anything (it's not like I have much of a relationship with Alexa) but I was just so shocked. I thought I must have misheard her.

Anyways, so it's bugging me, and I didn't know who to tell!

[widemouthedfrog]

Sarah, my dd is the same way. Definitely a personality thing, although I am sure that it will be "blamed" on being an only at some point.

Um, and if I have the math correct, wasn't Alexa's older brother also an "only" at your dd's age?

[widemouthedfrog]

Yeah, I think that the urge for a do-over of nursing is one reason I'd want another. Although the primary reason is that now I feel that I have "found my way" into my parenting style, and with dd I was really searching for the first 6months or so. I'd love to try it over again from the beginning. Then again, there is always the possibility that something else will go wrong with another babe - a do over doesn't mean that it'll be perfect!

[katheek77]

Originally Posted by msjd123

Alexa's mom noticed and said, "She's always so quiet until you come, and then she just lights up, huh?" I said "Yes," with a smile and was about to say how that totally makes my day, when she said, "I guess it's because she's an only. Not used to talking around other people."

!

And *my* DD will go up to anyone (strangers included) and begin babbling at them, let them pick her up, etc.

It can't be a personality thing...It *must* be because she's an *only* : and NEVER gets to talk to other people. You know, the whole "must be lonely" bit. Because, since she doesn't have siblings, she NEVER EVER sees other people. I keep her in a closet, in fact. To seclude her even more. Much easier with only one child...she can't escape while I put her brother or sister in.

We might as well just accept the fact that we're ruining our children by not birthing our own basball team for them to play on.

[bu's mama]

Hey ladies, mind if I join too?

I just have time for a quick intro...

My only dd is Hannah, 5 yo & truly the light of my life. I was originally thinking of having 2 children...about 5 years apart. I know my stress level & thought that it would be a good space. However, stbx & I started having significant problems after she was born. I should probably say the problems were always there, but became more pronounced.

In terms of the breakup of my marriage, I'm grateful we didn't have more children. While I see the benefits of the siblings bonding during the stressful time, I also can't imagine dealing with a third schedule on top of mine & dd's.

I've gotten some of the criticism of only having one, especially from a friend with two who seems to think I have it easy. It's not often, but I'm still always shocked when she says something.

Time to run...have to get ready for work. Nice to meet you all!

[ButterflyStarburst]

Hullo all,

Hope you don't mind if i jump in. I'm a mother to an only, by default. So this is rough for me. I envy all of you who have chosen only to have one and are so happy about it! Most days, i adore the fact that it's just me and DS though.

However, i'd prefer to make the decisions about whether i will find another partner and have more children at some point, myself. I don't need perfect strangers telling me that i really should find that special someone so DS can have a sibling. As if telling a married couple to have a second child isn't meddling enough! Don't you think i'd LIKE to find someone who doesn't hate me/feel repulsed by me? Thanks a lot.

And often, i just don't think upseting DS's life SO incredibly much is worth it. If i were still with my H, then i'd be allllll about #2. In fact, i believe we'd already HAVE #2. However, at this point i'm happy that i at least have DS from all the horrible stuff i went through....

So yeah. Joining the ranks!

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by katheek77

It can't be a personality thing...It *must* be because she's an *only* : and NEVER gets to talk to other people. You know, the whole "must be lonely" bit. Because, since she doesn't have siblings, she NEVER EVER sees other people. I keep her in a closet, in fact. To seclude her even more. Much easier with only one child...she can't escape while I put her brother or sister in.

Seriously, if DD had siblings, she'd get out less. Because she's an only, I make an extra effort to get her to playgrounds, activities, etc. It's be easy for me to just stay home with her, but I don't.

I know plenty of families with multiple kids who don't socialize nearly as much outside of the home - partially because it's so much effort to get out the door, and partially because they figure the kids can entertain themselves. (And this is what these families themselves have told me, not what I'm interpreting.)

[NYCVeg]

So a question for all you moms of onlies who found the baby stage to be really, really, really difficult...when did it get really good? Dd is 14 months and I am enjoying this age SO much more than I enjoyed babyhood. But I feel my life will feel so much more settled and less stressful when she's a bit older--can communicate verbally, can more readily engage in activities I enjoy (drawing, going to museums, playing board games, etc.), can play with less supervision, etc.

How have you found your experiences with your only changing (for the better or for the worse) as s/he got older.

[rupiezum]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

So a question for all you moms of onlies who found the baby stage to be really, really, really difficult...when did it get really good? Dd is 14 months and I am enjoying this age SO much more than I enjoyed babyhood. But I feel my life will feel so much more settled and less stressful when she's a bit older--can communicate verbally, can more readily engage in activities I enjoy (drawing, going to museums, playing board games, etc.), can play with less supervision, etc.

How have you found your experiences with your only changing (for the better or for the worse) as s/he got older.

DD is now 4 1/2, and it's been getting better and better since about your DS's age. I just love her more and more. I love the person that she is becoming. I love hearing her thoughts and views, watching her work things out in that busy little brain...

[bu's mama]

Originally Posted by NYCVeg

...How have you found your experiences with your only changing (for the better or for the worse) as s/he got older.

I have to say I really loved every age so far. I think one of the best parts about having an only is that I can really savor each stage with her & get to know her better. The only age I didn't love as much was around 2 or so. She was a late talker, though we did sign language and she would get so frustrated but not able to say what she needed.

Dd was 5 in May & I really love this age too. She's independent, can verbalize what she experiences and wants or needs. I have to watch myself that I give her room so she can grow, make mistakes, etc. Especially with her father & his family, they can be overbearing and do every. little. thing. for her instead of letting her be.

We are really close & I don't see that changing any time soon.

[APCDmama]

People assuming your child is a certain way because he/she's an only:

Very annoying. As many PP's have already stated, personality has more to do with certain characteristics (i.e. being slow to warm in social situations) than family size. My DD's demanding, high-maintenance personality is often attributed to being an only. Believe me, she's been like this since birth! : Also, she's 3 years old and still learning some of the social graces. She was having trouble telling a younger child she wanted to play alone at the playground. The other child's nanny asked, "Is she the only one?" I said, "Yes." She replied, "She really needs a brother or sister." I know the nanny didn't mean any harm, but what a frustrating comment!

When does it get easier after a challenging infancy?

I found 18 months to be a turning point, and it got better from there. I love that DD (3) can communicate well with me, and that she FINALLY sleeps through the night. The lack of sleep was the worst part of infancy/toddlerhood for me. We are having lots of fun now that she's older.